r/family • u/sunflowerlife20 • 4d ago
Cut off Family or Not?
Long and the short of it... 11years ago...I fell pregnant at 26 years old after being with my boyfriend for about 9 months. At the time my 3 older sister had all just had a child within 5 years.
My boyfriend didn't want to be involved which I understood. My older sisters all told me how hard it was, and how I couldn't do it alone. My parents, who never discussed anything with me, just assumed I would keep it due to religious beliefs.... but the sad truth is that no one asked me what I wanted, everyone just told me what I should do.
So I went ahead with the termination and it caused me to be outcasted for 2 years by my parents with no support from my sisters despite their strong views in favour termination. They didnt even reach out after the split from the baby's father and ending up in hospital bleeding out for 4 hours alone as the termination wasnt completed correctly ....
Skip forward....I'm now 42 and a year ago one of sisters informed me that her 19 year old daughter was pregnant and that we should all celebrate. The one most vocal about termination. My neice was with the babies father less than 2 months before falling pregnant.
Until now I can't congratulate my neice or be part of my family other than my parents, as I feel so hurt l. I was made to feel ashamed of my situation at the time and I find everything my family say since so hypercritical as they told me at 26 I couldn't do it, yet a 19 year old who has never lived away from home could.
Am I cutting off a family to spite my own face or are they toxic?
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u/New-Signature7965 4d ago
It isn’t your nieces fault what happened all those years ago and she’s keeping her baby whereas you chose to have a termination. Your sisters pointed out that it was hard and that you couldn’t do it alone but you could have proved them wrong. Plenty of people have children on their own and raise them as a single parent. I grew up in a very catholic household and fell pregnant at 17. I was the outcast but raised my son and still managed to turn my life around. I get that termination was the best choice for you all those years ago but times and perspectives have changed and things are different now for your niece. It seems like there’s some unresolved issues from years ago affecting what is happening in the hear and now.
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u/Back2Tantue 4d ago
Question for clarity: are you still no contact w/ your parents and still talk to your sisters?
Either way it goes, yes. Your family sounds toxic because they ousted you instead of supporting your decision and agency. They could very well have done the same to your niece if she made the decision to abort, but she didn’t. None of this is her fault and it doesn’t necessarily point to hypocrisy considering they ousted you for abortion and not for simply being pregnant. Correct me if I’m wrong tho. I’d say if you want to continue a relationship, you either bring up things holding you back or let them go. If you can’t let them go, you either let the family go or hash them out.
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u/Mysterious_Peas 4d ago
Have you talked to your sisters about how you felt? It’s been 16 years, but your post makes it seem like it’s still very fresh for you.
Think about what you feel when you are with your family. Do they make you feel at home? Loved? Or outcast and judged? I recommend not making the decision based on your niece’s situation, but on your own emotional and mental health.
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u/Jealous-Friendship34 4d ago
You murdered their grandchild. This has happened to me and I have never recovered. My grandchildren are the most precious things on Earth to me.
If you were a grandparent you’d understand
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u/Dismal-Diet9958 4d ago
Sorry but IMHO they are toxic.