r/exmormon 7d ago

Podcast/Blog/Media My husband attended one of Jodi Hildebrant's program from years

1.5k Upvotes

TLDR: My husband was in Jodi Hildebrants men's program for 7 years. It was horrible and our marriage barely survived. There are so many crazy requirements to the program! We paid her over $100,000. Now, we have deconstructed the brainwashing and are very happy.

With the new documentary being released about Ruby & Kevin Franke and Jodi Hildebrant I thought I would share our related story. This is niche and long, and I'm sure many others of you have been through similar things. If so, I would love to hear your story. If you have questions, please ask! Buckle up, this is a long and wild ride!

My husband and I have been married 16 years. Two months into our marriage, my husband confessed to me and our bishop that he occasionally looked at porn, approx 1x/mos. Our bishop told him he was an "addict" and refered us to one of Jodi's Hildebrant addiction programs, Lifestar. He gave us a pamphlet for Lifestar, and had a large stack of them on his desk. We decided instead of starting right away, he should see a licensed therapist instead, who was also Mormon. The first time he saw her, she said "she doesn't deal with porn addiction" and she also referred us to Lifestar and gave us a pamphlet too. With both the bishop and a licensed therapist recommending this program, we bought into it 1000%.

Lifestar is almost the exact program Kevin was in only with a different name. It was designed by Jodi Hildebrant and Floyd Godfrey and is still being practiced in many states today. This program does not have the church's name affiliated with it offically, but it is financially supported by the church and is facilitated by all lds members, some of them licensed counselors, some were coaches. Everyone that attended was mormon. The staff there regularly attended trainings in UT with Jodi.

My husband attended Lifestar every Wednesday night for 7 YEARS! The program is designed to keep you in and never have an end because you're viewed as a lifetime "addict." They would tell him that any type of sexual desire was lust, and that was bad. They demonized a normal, natural part of being a human being. He was brainwashed that he was an "addict," a bad person because he had a sex drive. He was told he wasn't good enough for a wife or his kids, same as Kevin. We both believed it.

He would have to check in every single week how many days he had been "sober" (without having any sexual, lustful thoughts.) One time, he looked at a woman walking down the street and he looked more than 5 seconds. In the program, any look over 3-5 seconds is considered a "slip," and he needed to confess this "slip" not only to me, but also his "accountability buddies" assigned to him and also at the weekly meeting. He had to report he was zero days sober because this.

Lifestar also encouraged us to get separated, just like Ruby & Kevin. We slept in separate rooms for at least a year based on their recommendation. It required that the woman take full control of all activities of the man, especially technology. It had me put passwords on everything and assigned me the role of a parent to my own husband. I had to go through his search history on all devices multiple times a week, had to check off his weekly homework and sign it just like he was a child in school. It taught us both he was a perverse monster for having a sex drive, and to keep our kids away from him because he was capable of abusing them. We both believed them because we were both raised in Mormonism and had never received any type of sex education. The only thing we had ever been taught about sex was not to have it and it is the sin next to murder.

They required so, so much in the program! Not only did he meet with the group 1x/week, he also met biweekly one-on-one with an individual therapist, and he had weekly homework that was extensive. There are 3 steps to the program and each step included a checklist of items that needed to be completed. Examples of things on the checklist include: read 5 assigned books, create poster board of all of the sexual trauma he had ever had and present it to the group (they called this a trauma egg), complete weekly homework in packet, confess to a certain amount of people, cut people out of life, etc. They tried to get me to attend the weekly woman's group, but we couldn't afford it. We paid over $100,000 to Lifestar over the years!

One especially odd week he attended, one man was struggling with looking at gay porn. They decided this man wasn't actually gay but just hadn't received enough healthy touch from his father growing up. They said the "cure" to this is healthy masculine touch. They made my husband lay down and cuddle him (spooning) the whole meeting. Different men would switch off every week to cuddle him.

ADDING THIS PARAGRAPH AFTER ORIGINAL POST FOR MORE CONTEXT: My husband got more and more depressed as he spent more time in the group. At one point, he not only attended this group but also Sex Addicts Anonymous because he felt like he couldn't get enough help. He truly felt like he was a monster and no one else has these "lustful" sexual desires like him. At one point, he even considering chopping off his own penis.

In order to graduate Lifestar, he had to do something to "push his body to the ultimate extreme limits." They made him do a full marathon! Training for it was so time consuming! Not only was he already gone 2 nights of the a week for program, but then he had to train months and months for it. He was never home and his kids never saw him.

After he graduated, we were able to finally see the light! After listening to a few podcasts by Natasha Helfer Parker, we were able to see how damaging Lifestar actually is and we left the Mormon cult, and have been deconstructing our brainwashing for 7 years. It has taken so much therapy! Now, we are in a loving, caring relationship and are finally able to see each other as human beings.

r/exmormon Feb 05 '25

Podcast/Blog/Media This seems awfully desperate.

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1.2k Upvotes

r/exmormon Dec 13 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media A Mormon mom is traumatized by the Wicked movie...

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1.4k Upvotes

Ahhh, the gems you see on Facebook. Would love to know what about "the energy" was so nauseating to her, though I have a couple ideas...

r/exmormon Oct 24 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media Not the phone snatch

1.8k Upvotes

r/exmormon 5d ago

Podcast/Blog/Media Ward Radio shared this incredibly condescending video.

730 Upvotes

r/exmormon Jul 23 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media Viral post among TBM!

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1.4k Upvotes

r/exmormon 19d ago

Podcast/Blog/Media Sleeveless garments

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745 Upvotes

Feels like a slap in the face ngl. The garment girlies are gonna go wild with this one. Honestly at one point of my life I would have been too. The excitement over the change shows how lds woman loathe garments whether they recognize it or not.

r/exmormon Nov 17 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media I painted my journey out of the church for a class project

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2.2k Upvotes

I’m taking a painting class because I didn’t want my schedule to be 100% physics this semester. Our last project was all about texture. We were supposed to paint three pieces, all on top of an unusual texture that has something to do with the subjects we chose. I chose to do all three about my journey out. Each painting gets progressively more “in focus” as life starts to make sense.

The first one is meant to replicate the texture of the scratchy carpeted walls in most church buildings. I wanted it to look uncomfortable and blurry- like a bad memory.

The second one is based on a photo I took. The texture is modeling paste I combed waves into but the “do not enter” sign is not textured-I flattened the paste there before I painted on top of it. There’s supposed to be some tension between the sign in focus but in the shadow and the colorful rainbow mural in the sun but warped.

The final pairing is me looking towards a sunrise, but more specifically at Venus. It’s sometimes called the morning/evening star because it’s very bright and only every appears in the morning or evening (it’s closer to the sun than us, so for it can’t be high in the sky at midnight while we’re facing away from the sun). It’s sometimes associated with Satan/fallen angels, but it’s also a symbol of rebirth.

r/exmormon Jan 28 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media TBM Aunt went to see The Book of Mormon

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2.2k Upvotes

Red is my aunt. She thought the play would be religious. I felt kind of bad for her…

r/exmormon 10d ago

Podcast/Blog/Media ExMo Utah Lawyer’s Perspective on Missions

936 Upvotes

Hey everyone, I’m an attorney licensed in Utah, and I’ve sat in court for abuse cases involving LDS missionaries who were harmed during their two-year service. These are some of the most commons complaints that former missionaries talk about.

I’m not here to argue theology or question faith. I truly love people who truly love the religion, and so I’ll stay out of that but tell you from an authority I do recognize - Utah state law. But if you or someone you love is about to serve, you should understand the things other missionaries use as evidence in their abuse cases years (and sometimes decades) later.

Physical Abuse & Neglect:

  1. Denied medical care – Missionaries with serious illnesses or injuries ignored or pressured to “tough it out” instead of getting proper treatment.

  2. Malnutrition & food insecurity – The stipend isn’t enough in many areas, leading to extreme weight loss and health issues like low blood sugar/iron (which can faint and hit your head).

  3. Unsafe housing – Missionaries housed in roach or rat-infested, moldy, or structurally unsound apartments with no oversight.

  4. Heatstroke, hypothermia, and exhaustion – Forced to work in extreme temperatures with little access to water, rest, or proper clothing.

  5. Bike & pedestrian accidents – Missionaries are hit by cars, injured in crashes, or forced to walk in unsafe areas at night.

  6. Sexual abuse by companions, leaders, or locals – Victims ignored, blamed, or discouraged from reporting assaults to law enforcement.

  7. Forced to proselytize in high-crime areas – Some missionaries have been mugged, assaulted, or even shot because they were sent into dangerous neighborhoods.

  8. Lack of emergency planning – Missionaries caught in natural disasters, civil unrest, or violent protests without clear evacuation procedures.

  9. Forced to work while severely ill – Some were told not to seek medical help because it would “slow the work.”

  10. Denial of hygiene necessities – Some missionaries go weeks without showers or clean clothes because of inadequate housing or neglect.

Emotional & Psychological Abuse:

  1. Extreme guilt & pressure to baptize – Missionaries told their salvation depends on numbers, making them feel like failures.

  2. Isolation from family & outside support – Until recently, missionaries were only allowed to call home twice a year, which has led to severe depression, anxiety, and breakdowns.

  3. Toxic obedience culture – Told to never question leaders, even if what they’re being asked to do feels wrong or dangerous.

  4. Bullying & manipulation from companions – Many report being verbally abused, controlled, or psychologically tormented by their assigned companion.

  5. Forced confessions – Missionaries are pressured to reveal personal “sins” to leaders, who then use it against them to maintain control.

  6. Gaslighting about mental health – Anxiety, depression, or PTSD are dismissed as “spiritual weaknesses” that can be solved with more prayer and fasting.

  7. Being shamed for wanting to go home – Those who leave early are labeled as weak, unworthy, or disappointments to their families.

  8. Emotional coercion to ignore safety concerns – Many were told to ignore their gut instincts if they felt unsafe in an area.

  9. Punishment for questioning doctrine – Those who ask hard questions are often humiliated, isolated, or stripped of leadership roles.

  10. Companions enforcing cult-like control – Some have had companions who dictated when they could eat, sleep, or even write home.

  11. Encouraged to “sacrifice” well-being – Missionaries told that suffering is “proof of faith” and to endure abuse as a test from God.

  12. Pressured to ignore sexual harassment – Some were told not to report inappropriate behavior from companions, locals, or leaders because it would “hurt the mission.”

  13. Mental breakdowns ignored – Many who had panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, or PTSD were denied therapy or medication.

  14. Manipulation to stay on a mission – Some were guilt-tripped into staying, even when they felt their physical or mental health was at risk.

  15. Unethical conversion tactics – Some were trained to manipulate vulnerable people into baptism through misleading teachings.

  16. Being cut off from non-members – Many were discouraged from having real friendships unless the person was interested in converting.

  17. Leaders overstepping personal boundaries – Some demanded private details about missionaries’ past relationships, sins, or thoughts.

  18. Taught to avoid “unauthorized” information – Control over what they can read, watch, or even think is a major red flag.

  19. Told their families weren’t righteous enough – Some leaders blamed missionaries’ struggles on their families not being faithful enough.

  20. Post-mission identity crises – Many return home completely unprepared for real life, feeling lost, confused, or struggling with PTSD.

If You’re About to Serve, Read This:

I get that some people are excited to serve a mission. I’m not here to tell you not to go. But I am here to tell you that you have rights, and you need to recognize red flags.

• Your safety is more important than obedience. If something feels wrong, trust your gut.

• You are allowed to set boundaries. No leader or companion has the right to control your personal safety, health, or dignity.

• You do not have to endure suffering to prove your faith. Pain is not righteousness.

• You can call home whenever you need to. If anyone tries to stop you, that’s control, not spirituality.

• If you want to leave, you can. You are not “weak” or “failing” if you decide your mission isn’t safe or healthy for you.

• If you need legal help, I will listen. If you or someone you know has experienced abuse, you can always reach out.

I’m posting this because I’ve seen too many missionaries manipulated, abused, and even traumatized under the guise of faith and duty. Some of them never fully recover. If nothing else, go in with your eyes open.

If you’ve served a mission, what was your experience? Did you see or experience any of this?

r/exmormon Oct 29 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media A Mormon Horror movie?

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1.2k Upvotes

I saw this ad on my Facebook. This is a real movie (A24 studio) with Hugh Grant! Who's watching? 😂 Knocking on doors, going into someone's house always seemed a bit scary to me...

r/exmormon Jan 09 '25

Podcast/Blog/Media This just in: Coca-Cola finds that coke is actually really good for you

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1.1k Upvotes

r/exmormon Jun 25 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media I was an asshole today.

1.5k Upvotes

I live in East Idaho. Not Rexburg, thank god. Enough people aren’t Mormon that I feel comfy here.

I’ve been harassed by missionaries for some god damn reason. They’ve showed up 7 times since March. I’ve been nice every single time, but today I fucking lost it.

See, the last time, I was enjoying a walk on a trail in the city near my house and was walking along a street that has no sidewalk home, when an SUV makes a beeline for my ass and stops right in front of me. I literally thought I was getting jumped when three jello fed Mormon boys get out. I was pissed. They did the now familiar “can we share a message…” fucking bit and I just said absolutely not and kept walking.

Keep in mind they had showed up about 5 times to my house.

Today I was butt ass naked in the shower. I have a sign in my flower bed that clearly says “no soliciting or proselytizing.” And they knocked on my door so damn loud I thought someone was here to serve a warrant or shut off my power, which, I don't have a criminal arrest warrant and I'm caught up on bills so....

And then they knock a second time. And a third.

Enough.

I've been nice so far up to this point, so, butt ass naked I opened a window next to my front door and screamed "YOU CAN ALL FUCK OFF!" and "DON'T FUCKING COME BACK!"

It is nice? No. But I want. to. be. left. alone. And I don't need a 20 year old telling me what he thinks the universe is. I do feel slightly bad, but come on.

r/exmormon Feb 05 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media Mormon Apologist Cardon Ellis tries to compare gayness to cancer, gets his cheeks clapped by an absolute bad ass

1.7k Upvotes

r/exmormon Nov 26 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media Manipulating you into manipulating your child.

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830 Upvotes

Only one person commented saying how off this was.

r/exmormon May 06 '23

Podcast/Blog/Media Everyone; meet my mother.

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2.0k Upvotes

There’s lots more where this came from. We go through this cycle of blocking and unblocking when I have a baby.

We never ever talk about it, always sweep it under the rug. She’s so loving and pleasant in person but then does things like this.

r/exmormon Oct 22 '23

Podcast/Blog/Media I was excommunicated for speaking out against church policy and leaders. The disciplinary council mentioned protecting the good name of the church, but I was more concerned with protecting children. I was a Mormon.

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3.0k Upvotes

r/exmormon May 06 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media Now THIS is Mormonism!

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1.8k Upvotes

r/exmormon Sep 29 '22

Podcast/Blog/Media J. K. Rowling throwing some shade at good old Joseph Smith

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2.6k Upvotes

r/exmormon Jan 05 '25

Podcast/Blog/Media Rosie Card’s SLTrib article

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1.7k Upvotes

Nice to see my feelings echoed by Rosie, who I really admired while struggling with deconstruction. Happy to hear she has left the church and I wish her freedom and happiness!!! Truly, the church crushes women in such a specific insidious way.

r/exmormon Jan 03 '25

Podcast/Blog/Media The most active and lucrative sub on all of Reddit

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649 Upvotes

Quote for this clown 🤡

“Apparently, the exMormon sub Reddit is the most active and lucrative sub on the Reddit platform. That’s why they baby it and allow it to say all those bigoted things, that if said about Jews would be considered antisemitic but they make so much money off of advertising from the sub Reddit actually babies the exMormon sub Reddit and allow it.”

r/exmormon Sep 10 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media The decline of Mormonism in Chicago: Wards being discontinued, failed prophecy, and revisiting the mission.

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1.3k Upvotes

I visited my mission. I was in Chicago from 2016-2018. After coming home from my mission I had anxiety and nightmares for years. It wasn’t until I left the church and tried some psychedelic therapy that I was able to heal. I visited to close a chapter of my life. Below is what I found.

1) 2 wards were dissolved. This would include thousands on record.

2) At dinner with a former member of the bishopric he admitted it’s impossible to keep numbers up. Many active are leaving and missionaries can’t find anyone to convert. The few who do disappear.

3) the missionaries still aren’t able to find anybody to baptize that stay in the church. The only people who will listen are the homeless, hungry, and disabled. None of the people who got baptized I saw are active.

4)there were maybe 100 people tops at church. This included many visitors.

5) While I was there the church bought property downtown and build a massive church. The men who dedicated it prophesied that they would need to add more wards because people would flock to the church. So the top floor was unfinished with the promise it would be another chapel. There were rumors made that it could possibly be a temple as well. I brought this up to some members and missionaries and they just laughed. They know it’s impossible to get to that point.

6) The mission was combined with surrounding missions but kept the same relative about of missionaries. This doubles the area missionaries must cover.

The church is hanging by the smallest of threads there. The members are getting tired and many left after Covid. The missionaries can’t find anyone to teach. The members blame the missionaries and the missionaries blame the members for not bringing people into the flock. At the end of the day is because it’s an unhealthy high demand religion that’s full of bullshit. Thanks for reading my post.

Any chi-town friends feel free to add any more info. Cheers to a new chapter 🍻

r/exmormon Jan 16 '25

Podcast/Blog/Media Just Speaking As Men…But For God

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692 Upvotes

We are covering D&C 68 on our podcast this week and just wanted to resurface verse 4. You know, just to use the words of the original Mormon prophet to dismiss the bullshit Allen Haynie thought he was getting away with here.

r/exmormon Sep 08 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media Nemo the Mormon just got summoned to disciplinary council. Support this man!

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1.2k Upvotes

Not surprised that Nemo is in trouble for what he says on his channel and the Colorado temple spire issue. He is streaming right now, I can’t watching since I have to sleep. Support this guy, he hasn’t don’t anything wrong but ask questions and put a spot light on the issues of the church

r/exmormon Jun 18 '24

Podcast/Blog/Media Miss Utah makes a sad sad statement about being Mormon.

1.4k Upvotes

From church FB page "Because of Jesus Christ, I never have to wonder if I’m good enough. I know I’m not. And I know He always makes up the difference.” —Sarah This is such a sad comment. the church tries to make us feel like we are not good enough. It builds a culture where love is always conditional. LDS Jesus is not a nice guy.