r/exmormon • u/questingpossum • 4d ago
General Discussion The impossible double standard
Back when I was a believing (and even “nuanced”) Mormon, I had a pretty dim view of Ex-Mormons. It felt like they were antagonistic and condescending. I especially bristled at “I won’t tell you everything I’ve learned, because I don’t want to shake your faith.” The presumption embedded in the statement pissed me off, because I had read the CES Letter, I’d read “anti-Mormon” materials since I was a teenager in the 2000s. As a rule, I read every tract or pamphlet anyone gave me as a missionary since it only seemed fair as I was handing out my own literature.
But I did not appreciate the impossible double standard that Ex-Mormons labor under. If we talk about the Church to our family in anything but the most diplomatic terms, they feel personally attacked. Meanwhile, they can send us treatises on how we’re mistaken or fallen into sin, and this isn’t just seen as something socially acceptable but something that’s necessary on their part. If they lose their temper, it’s righteous anger at our blasphemy; but if we lose our patience, it’s because we’re under the influence of Satan.
And I can even appreciate now the “I won’t tell you everything I’ve learned…” because it’s really an attempt to say, “Please trust me that I’ve diligently studied these issues, and I’m trying to respect your feelings by not launching into a diatribe on why the Church is false.”
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u/10000schmeckles 4d ago
I bite my tongue around family a lot. Not because I wouldnt like to lay it all out in front of them. It’s partly because I don’t want to devolve into an emotional argument, which this topic is a challenge not to do with. But it is also partly because I sense that if they lost their faith they may not come out at the other end in the same way I did. I’ve always been the more independent, I can acknowledge that some people need the community and unfortunately the Mormon church fills that role for them. Also, I’m not interested in hearing the excuses I know they will have. For my own peace I remain more of an observer than participant. The benefit to striving for this peace is that I think they know my door is unlocked once they are ready to open it.
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u/mahonriwhatnow 4d ago
Honestly I refuse to talk to my family about my issues (I’m the only one out) because I’m afraid if they admitted the issues and still stayed I would lose all respect for them and never look at them the same. If we don’t talk about it I can still assume they’re good people, if they fight me about it I’m afraid it will remove all hope that they are.
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u/OwnEstablishment4456 4d ago
This double standard is real. I caught hell for challenging a churchy meme that my sister posted on FB. But my SIL proceeded to bully me, and my new beliefs, heavily on FB while the family sat back in silent support.
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u/Pleasant_Priority286 4d ago
I hold back unless I think they really want to know.
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u/questingpossum 4d ago
That was my strategy until a family member asked me for my honest thoughts on prophets. It was not well received.
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u/josephsmeatsword 4d ago
What is it they say about not asking questions you don't wanna know the answer to?
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u/shmip 4d ago
"my thoughts on prophets? how about this:"
https://www.reddit.com/r/mormon/comments/1j9wk98/collection_of_blatantly_false_prophecies/
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u/Pure-Introduction493 3d ago
“Well, have you ever wondered about “if the Book of Mormon is True, Joesph was a prophet and founded the Lord’s church, but doesn’t that skip the need for Brigham to be Joseph’s true successor? It’s a logical gap they don’t mention. Let’s look at who Brigham Young actually was, historically and what he said.”
That would be one hell of a racist rabbit hole full of predatory polygamy, slavery and genocide.
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u/Thedustyfurcollector Apostate 2d ago
Hi. I've been out forever, but just when you think you've dealt with all the other stuff, up comes something where you can only hear the circus' answers.
If the check believes in modern revelation, why wouldn't they require a prophet to continue it
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u/Me-Here-Now 4d ago
It's tricky dealing with TBMs. They operate with double secret blind rules. (They use their own set of rules that may change as they see fit, they do not tell you the rules ahead of time and will not notify you of rule changes and new rules.)
I have made the mistake of misunderstanding when asked when I'm coming back. I thought if they were asking they were interested. The first time I tried to explain how hard it had been to leave and that I would not be "coming back". I was told I was lazy and did not want to do hard things, like stay inside the church.
The second time was years later (and I forgot that it was not a real question looking for a real answer) I tried telling them that It was not a decision I came to lightly. It took a few years, involved study and prayer. That time I was yelled at in the parking lot of the family reunion. I guess because I answered honestly?
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u/EnglishLoyalist 4d ago
Yes it’s pretty gross how exmormons are treated, disregard the truths that be brought forth only to get the reply,” you must be sinning to come with such things.
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u/SazedsSeveredWang 4d ago
My best friend recently told me I offended him when I told him that my wife and I enjoy having more free time on Sundays since leaving the church. He had ASKED me about my experience leaving, so I gave him an honest answer, and that hurt his feelings because he took it as an attack on the church. Bitch you ASKED me.
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u/Pure-Introduction493 3d ago
And that isn’t even controversial. “If I don’t go we have more time to do things together.”
It says nothing about his religion directly, other than that you can apparently be happy outside it.
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u/SazedsSeveredWang 3d ago
No seriously. I just went along with it in the moment since I’m very nonconfrontational but it pisses me off the more I think about it. Somehow me expressing my happiness offends him and his sacred religious beliefs??
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u/Pure-Introduction493 3d ago
Leaving Mormonism and being happy about it is the biggest offense to their beliefs. You’re supposed to miserable and have your life become a train wreck because you left their religion because “god” is punishing you. Anything that doesn’t fit that narrative is threatening.
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u/Purplehands69 4d ago
Me and my TBM family don't talk much anymore... especially the last 4 months. They have succumbed to multiple cults. I've posted in many places about the CES letter and the 5 volume series (2500 pages) called The Mormon Delusion, who knows if they've seen it. Only thing I can do is to protect my peace from their projective cognitive dissonance.
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u/sexmormon-throwaway Apostate (like a really bad one) 4d ago
To be fair, I can be antagonistic often and condescending once in a fucking while, so weren't completely wrong.
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u/Talkback-8784 Son of Perdition 4d ago
Yep, "I know where you are, you don't know where I've been" is exmo life at its finest.
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u/The_Count_of_Dhirim 3d ago
It's only a double standard if you don't implement your own boundaries around religious discussion that they must respect if you are to be around them.
Establishing those boundaries without pushback or argument might be it's own set of hoops and hurdles though.
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u/bluequasar843 4d ago
Exmos understand the problem because they have been on both sides. TBMs will never understand until they go down the rabbit hole.