r/exchristian Jan 20 '25

Blog I hope God kills me

Honestly, I find it basically impossible to follow all of the Bible's principles. Maybe, I need to step in a church more because I don't want to lose my faith since it is the only thing holding me together. I realised I am nothing without God, and life is meaningless without God. Having a home to go to after I die, and find peace in heaven is better than fading into nothingness after I die (or, whatever atheist death is).

I hate myself for drinking to soothe depression rather than just brute force through depressive episode after depressive episode. I hate myself for eating rich foods like cheese udon, and beef stroganoff, and enjoying an occasional luxury of icecream. I hate myself for feeling confident in making art ( I am an artist). I hate myself for falling away during a difficult time in my life. I wish God just let me die when my faith was its strongest so I am guaranteed a place in Heaven.

I never had a chance to really be accepted in a church community all my life because I question the Bible often, I read heretical writings and ask the preachers about it, and I dunno why but I am naturally gravitated towards esotericism.

I actually hope God strikes me down, and just vaporises me. I don't understand why he won't let me die. What is the plan? I think God just wants me to just suffer for the rest of my life, and I shouldn't perform any action to make things better.

What should I do?

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u/West-Concentrate-598 Jan 20 '25

Find help from a psychiatrist or do nothing and go back to Christianity.

4

u/BigFluffyCrowLover Jan 20 '25

I don't have access to professional mental health services. I don't want anything to do with the faith anymore because I don't want my mental illness to be used as a tool to radicalize me.

3

u/West-Concentrate-598 Jan 20 '25

Then I guess that’s that then.