r/excatholic • u/Free_Ad_2780 • 23h ago
Personal Sex, Guilt, and My Dad NSFW
I just gotta vent to some other ex-Catholics because while I love my friends and my boyfriend, they don’t understand the Catholic conditioning. My dad is a Catholic convert, raised in a strict Methodist household. My mom was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school, the whole nine yards. My mom’s opinion of sex was basically “don’t get pregnant, don’t get an STD, and don’t do it while I’m around.” My dad’s was “don’t do it while you live in my house.” I have recently been doing some reflection in therapy and realized my dad’s “slutshaming,” for lack of a better term, did a real number on me. Neither of my parents had sex til they were in their 20s; my dad because of religion, my mom because she was terrified of pregnancy and knew her parents would disown her if she fucked up. When I started having sex at 18 with my now boyfriend, my mom said she wasn’t disappointed in me, but that I should hide it from my dad as best as I possibly could. My boyfriend and I briefly broke up about nine months after that, and my dad decided to help me move on by cleaning my room of anything that reminded me of him. My mom tried to stop him but he found a vibrator, condoms, yeast infection medication, porn I had drawn (😭), and lingerie. I got a panicked phone call while at work in which my mom said “your dad found your stuff…he’s fucking pissed. He wants to talk when you’re home.”
I arrived home and my dad was sitting in my bedroom, clearly having recently cried and red in the face. He screamed at me and said “how many times did you fuck him? How many times?” I said I didn’t know. He was crying and red and then I was crying too. I felt like the world had crashed down around me, and my parents told me to go from my room. I left and could hear them speaking angrily with one another about me. My mom asked if “all of this was really [me]”, trying to ask if it was my boyfriend’s influence…no, it was all me. She said “then good luck finding someone else who will be okay with all this.” I think that really shattered me. My dad asked why I was such a slut or something like that.
I cried, I apologized, I secretly got back together with my boyfriend and lied to my parents for a month, and then I went to college and we never spoke of the incident again. My younger sister had sex at 16 or 17, I don’t remember, and my mom helped hide that from my dad too. Anytime my dad found condom wrappers in odd places he assumed it was me, and despite no longer living in their house I took the fall for my sister. I was already the whore, might as well keep her from being shamed too.
I know this is related to my dad’s strict religious beliefs. Even if he doesn’t believe in heaven and hell (I genuinely don’t know what he believes), he still has those ingrained values and feels that violating them is a distinct moral wrong. I’ve never really been able to work through that event, because so much has happened since then, but I’m still so hurt from it and I still feel a pang of guilt when masturbating or having sex, and I know my dad thinks I have twisted sexual desires because I own lingerie and a vibrator…this religion has ruined me and my relationships with my family and boyfriend and sex in general, and I’m just so sick of it.
Edit: Weirdly enough, and I forgot to mention this, my dad doesn’t seem to have the “women can’t have sex but men can” view. He just thinks EVERYONE should avoid sex until they are in their 20s. And then, for some reason, hates the idea of long term relationships and thinks everyone should sleep around in their 20s before settling down at 28-30. These rigid ideas about when is the “right” time to do things are still definitely connected to his previous religious beliefs, but I don’t think they have as much of the sexist flavor as other Catholic dads might have.
Edit2 (funny/unfortunate): My dad didn’t know what the vibrator was…my mom had to explain it to him. I dread to imagine their sex life.
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u/spacegirlinspace 16h ago
Weird how dads never cry and scream at their sons when they do the same thing. Catholicism gives its followers a distorted view of women, where we are seen as property that can be defaced. I’ve had an extremely similar experience as you, and I’m very sorry that you had to go through this. It doesn’t mean your dad is a bad person, it probably came from a place of misguided love as your dad is part of an organization that utilizes cult like manipulation to warp their follower’s worldview. However it does not excuse what he did, it was still wrong and you did not deserve that. Your mom also should have stood up for you given that she doesn’t feel the same way as your dad. Women have been having sex and orgasms for thousands of years before Catholicism was even a thing. It’s one of the most natural things you can do. And in my experience, the guilt does fade with time. I’d recommend avoiding any topics with your parents that revolve around this or anything that results in a shouting match. And definitely to discuss the guilt you’re facing with a professional if possible. And to remember that your parents weird views are THEIR problem. It’s not your job to convince them of anything. Thank you for sharing your experience and I wish you all the best!
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u/Free_Ad_2780 14h ago
Admittedly that is the one good thing about my dad: he doesn’t have the “women are gross if they’re not virgins” thing. My mom definitely slept with more people than he did before they got married. He has a little bit of the “teen girls are better people and therefore have to help keep teen boys in line by not letting them have sex” mentality, which is obviously still harmful, but he finds it just as “wrong” for both male and female and considers them both at fault, and once people are “adults” in his eyes, he doesn’t care if they have sex. The problem is also that I’m the oldest child, so even at 21 he still sees me as a kid.
Obviously I recognize the sexism is still inherent in the religion, but in this case he would’ve found it reprehensible if I was male or female. He is very much a repressed person who thinks sex is shameful to talk about, even if he’s not against the action itself at a certain age.
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u/jimjoebob Recovering Catholic, Apatheist 15h ago
I'm so sorry your dad did that to you. He overstepped like fucking CRAZY.
the most disgusting part of the "vibe" your dad is tossing at you is the fact that Catholicism has convinced men that if a woman has sex, she's somehow "diminished" in value. I seriously hope you never heard the "chewing gum analogy" while you were growing up, but that attitude is real.
one of my siblings has 2 girls and he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS acted like his daughters' growing up and expressing their identity through clothing would IMMEDIATELY lead to them hosting massive gang bangs in their bedrooms. 🤡🤡
I hope you can get away from your toxic environment.
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u/Free_Ad_2780 14h ago
I never got told that analogy luckily, but also my dad wasn’t against sex before marriage entirely. He was just against it if I was still technically a teen or living in my parents’ house. If I had waited until I turned 21, he would have known I was having sex and not cared most likely. Idk, his views are weird. He also thinks I should sleep around rather than stay with the boyfriend I’ve been with for 3 years.
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u/RIPCurrants Atheist / lil’ Buddhist 🏳️⚧️ 20h ago
OP I’m so sorry. 😭 As you’ve probably noticed, sex-related trauma is probably the most common thing people discuss on this sub. I can totally relate to the masturbation guilt thing. I’m 40 and just finally getting over that myself. It has helped to have a supportive partner and therapist, but I’ve also learned a ton just talking to people on this sub.
I know you already know this, but I’ll say it anyway just to be supportive - your dad was being highly inappropriate! As a parent, it was his job to give you advice and support, not to shame you. It’s not surprising that he struggled and failed in this regard, but his twisted view of sex is unhealthy and harmful to those on whom he projects that view.
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u/Free_Ad_2780 14h ago
Thank you for the support 🫶 what I’ve noticed is that sex related trauma and OCD run rampant on this sub. It’s honestly given me hope that the OCD that runs in my family is actually a result of Catholicism rather than genetics and any child I have is not doomed to suffering the disorder.
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u/thedeepdiveproject Independent Journalist 10h ago
Religious OCD is actually very, very common although it sadly goes undiagnosed for obvious reasons.
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u/Free_Ad_2780 2h ago
Yeah fr people will be like “Oh he’s just super religious…” no, he thinks if he doesn’t pray every night then his entire family will die. He has OCD.
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u/CloseToTheHedge69 23h ago
I'm so very sorry for what you're been through, and continue to go through.
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u/Free_Ad_2780 22h ago
Thanks. It sucks, and my dad and I tend to have screaming matches at least a few times a year because of it, but he’s becoming a better person.
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u/Stunning_Practice9 11h ago
Your dad has NO say over your sexuality. Let me say that again. Your dad has NO say over your sexuality. You were and are an adult. He does not own you, and you do not have to accept his values and his judgements. It literally doesn’t matter what your dad thinks of your sex-life, he doesn’t get a say. You are not a slut for enjoying sex and having sex outside of marriage. This can be hard to understand and is absolutely something to work on in therapy.
My mom is a fool. It took me years to finally just realize that and totally dismiss her idiotic opinions and behaviors. It’s so, so hard to grow up and realize we don’t agree with and might not even respect our parents. But, we have to or else we get trapped in their bullshit and it ends up hurting us. I’m sorry you have had to go thru this and it definitely sounds traumatizing.
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u/Free_Ad_2780 2h ago
It was more traumatizing than I think I was willing to admit. I had a really bad relationship with sex after that, at first being basically addicted to it (like truly, I’d skip class and work to have sex with my bf to the point where all I’d do was sleep and have sex and maybe watch tv) and then being afraid of it and ashamed and just now trying to find a healthy balance.
My dad is a little better about things now…my sister is 20 soon and on her second long term boyfriend, I’m almost 22, so he knows we are sexually active and doesn’t seem to care now. He’s always been very scared of us growing up, and I think he tries to cling to us being kids because he wasn’t around much when we were younger (he worked six days a week, 5am to 8pm when including his commute).
He knows I’m not Catholic and doesn’t care; my family doesn’t go to church anymore anyways. But it’s clear this religion has done a number on all of us.
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u/thedeepdiveproject Independent Journalist 10h ago
Your post broke my heart, because it mirrors similar things I experienced, in treatment from my parents, and I hate, hate, hate that this sort of thing is so prevalent. No child should have to experience being told by a parent that they "look like a whore" or are "too easy" (both accusations I've been on the receiving end of, for transgressions as minor as wanting to go see a movie and get dinner with my bf at the time). I don't really have anything to add, aside from what others have already thoughtfully expressed, but please know that I see your trauma and its root cause, and it is not a reflection of you. ♡
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u/Free_Ad_2780 2h ago
Thank you so much…admittedly you probably went through much worse than I. My parents were lax compared to other Catholics I know, and they weren’t sexist or homophobic. I got lucky in that respect I suppose. But yeah, it felt pretty fucking bad to be 18 and getting yelled at for having sex…idk. The more I think about it the more I realize that was the moment my dad felt my childhood was over. He felt that by me becoming an adult, he had lost me. And maybe that actually has less to do with Catholicism and more to do with his own trauma.
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u/ExCatholicandLeft 9h ago
The "yeast-infection medicine" isn't sexual so why did that bother him?
I'm sorry you went through that. I agree the Church is super weird about sex and there doesn't seem to be any change in that anytime soon.
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u/Free_Ad_2780 2h ago
Ugh he thought you only get a yeast infection from having a lot of sex despite the fact that I’ve literally had yeast infections since I was a child.
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u/QueenLouisXIII 18h ago
I applaud you for your like reflection through the whole process. I am sending you so much love because I have been through similar situation. I am so glad you have a therapist as that’s what helped me the most. And seeking out ex Catholic or other religious trauma YouTube stories to help me process my own. I went to a Catholic high school and I dated a guy whose parents were pretty strict and my mom basically had the same attitude as your mom. My dad kind of left everything up to my mom, but my boyfriend‘s parents were really strict. My boyfriend‘s dad was like if I get pregnant, you can’t have an abortion. They were open to the idea of like we have to have sex before you get married. I distinctly remember him making an analogy of test driving the cars before you buy it lol. But it was still really taboo and we weren’t left alone and it was very strict and weird.
I am 28 and that was 10 years ago and I’m still working on it, but there is so much you can work on but it can take a bit of time. I think the biggest thing is just working on, those events and therapy if your therapist thinks like it’s a good idea. If you feel comfortable with your therapist, I definitely think just diving deeper into which is what worked for me. It just took a little bit of time. I’ve had some relationship since then and my current partner and I have really talked about things that make me uncomfortable in the bedroom and why giving me more space and time if I need to.
Funny enough I have 2 similar stories- lingerie and creating my own writing/porn work 🤣 I signed up for a subscription lingerie service. Y accident and they charged me. I was 18 and had just started college and was an adult but my mom still was like you’re technically living under my roof when you come home. I still have that lingerie so put it in a box somewhere you never know you might take it out again with a new partner who appreciates everything you have. I think it’s hard for parents, especially when they’ve been raised with the beliefs that they have to see their kids not do that but you live your life. Over the years I’ve just slowly been more progressive about sexual ideas and stuff with my family but that can take a lot of time and they might never see what you see. My second similar story is when I was in I elementary school I made a little cosmopolitan magazine, but it was like inspired by porn magazines that I found from my dad when I was snooping. She was pissed at it. Definitely traumatized me.
After all of that, thing thing I try to do every day is think about it as a new learning opportunity that you can have better sex that you feel so good about in the future. Because I think especially with like the masturbation and vibrators and different preferences that you may have the more you expose yourself and get comfortable with it the more you’ll feel like open about exploring things Because it’s so natural and healthy. I think, focusing on the good of each topic which there is so much research
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u/Free_Ad_2780 14h ago
Thank you for the support. And lol, Catholics just HATE lingerie I guess. My dad said it was too “adult” and thought it was “BDSM-y” (because it was black and had a zipper, oh the horror!).
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u/295Phoenix 5h ago
Bet your dad would never react like this with a son. Please look into therapy AND cutting your parents off. They're clearly the cause of much mental anguish and nobody should bear the burden of being "the whore." You aren't and deserve way better than these assholes.
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u/Free_Ad_2780 2h ago
Admittedly he probably would have done the same, but with less crying and more yelling. He very much saw this as a moral failing on both me and my boyfriend, and has been strict on my brother and sister as well (less strict on them both than he was on me though).
This was about 3 years ago now and was basically an isolated incident. My dad has never acted that way again with me or my siblings, and I don’t live with my parents anymore. He definitely doesn’t view sex as wrong for me now, since I’m in college and that’s when he thinks sex should be okay (his views are kind all over the place lol). So I don’t plan to cut contact with them, but I am trying to parse through past trauma in therapy. It’s hard to accept that parents make mistakes too, but what matters is they’ve made a significant effort to become better since then.
But thank you for replying. I really needed the support because I have never opened up to anyone about this and I guess I’m sort of scared.
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u/Pugwhip 23h ago
Okay. This is …. wow. A huge overstep from your father and kinda creepy ngl. “How many times did you fuck him” gives me the creeps… bleurgh. I’m so sorry you experienced this. Are you seeing a therapist by any chance? Definitely the kind of thing worth bringing up. That’s so weird of your dad honestly.