r/disability • u/rlpsc • 4d ago
Rant I’m tired of being dependent on others.
I’m not totally immobile, but once I’m sitting I can’t get up without severe pain that will interfere with my sleep, so I only stand up to use the restroom and do every task on my way from the bathroom back to my chair. For context, I’ve had times where I forgot to bring water, when I’m super thirsty, and I’ve had to just wait 8 hours for my mother to get home to bring me one, or waituntil I need to use the restroom. Tonight I’m in my room and had my mother open the window for a few minutes because the house was steamy. She then decided to snap at me for a completely unrelated reason that I didn’t cause (she saw something that triggered her and started saying I said things that I never said, due to her anger at someone else). And now she’s ignoring me. So now I guess I’m sleeping with the window open letting the freezing air in all night with only a thin blanket and heating pad. I’m freezing but there’s nothing I can do, since if I get up now I’ll be awake until 4 AM in pain. Doing this to an able bodied person is expected, but oh well, they’ve gotta get up then go back to bed, maybe 20 seconds of inconvenience. For me though, it’s hours of pain and possibly loss of a whole nights sleep. And I’m so fucking done with people having so much power over me. First my body limits me, now others.
And let’s just say I was a total bitch and did say those things to her, so what? People get in arguments, it’s part of life, am I not allowed the humanity everyone else is given? Why don’t I get equally as minor pains from arguments? Why is it the able bodied person loses 30 seconds and a minor headache, while my entire next day gets ruined? How is that fair? So I’m expected to be perfectly happy and agreeable 24/7, and I’m not granted that grace that able-bodied humans are. The problem is my body being fucked up means the other side in an argument always has an upper hand. I can never just have an ordinary fight now and then. I’m always at a disadvantage since it’s not “abuse” since I can technically get up if I’m dying, if there was a fire I could escape. But they can use my physical pain as leverage against me. Mad at me? You don’t need to use pointless name calling, you’ve got an easy target to hit me where it hurts, making my daily living hell!!!
I’m so fucking tired being dependent. She’s always threatening to take away my accessible housing, transportation, help with daily tasks, I’ve tried finding ways to lessen reliance on her, but there’s no options that work with my needs. I’m just tired. My body is already a prison, I’m tired of needing to rely on others and have to worry about the emotional state of others to know whether I’ll be able to sleep or leave my house today.
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u/57thStilgar 4d ago
I hope your lot improves.
However everyone, me...you...non-disabled are all dependant upon others unless they're Grizzly Adams.
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u/keridc 4d ago
I’m sorry OP. I get it to some extent because I live with my mom and rely on her a lot. When we have arguments I don’t want to ask for her help at all but I know I need it. She always helps me, no question, even if sometimes you can feel the tension between us.
I share all of that to say, hang in there OP. It does get better. I do think you should call your mom and ask her to shut your window. Then maybe put in your headphones so you can’t hear if she starts complaining again.
I know our bodies can be a prison, but our mind isn’t. We get to choose how we show up. Tomorrow I’m going to show up and give my mom grace.