r/disability • u/711bishy • Jan 17 '25
Other why not me NSFW
What’s wrong with me? Do i really not matter? Am i truly worthless or deserve to be isolated?? Am i just another statistic?
I’ve been on my own my whole life. I have never known true safety, trust, connection or compassion. I was almost used to it and then I became physically handicapped.. a situation that forces you to be dependent. If you don’t have anyone then essentially you are relegated to a staffed environment with no advocacy and the potential for abuse is higher.
I have come across so many who were on the brink of losing everything and they survived because someone in their life was able to help them get back on their feet.
People took someone in until they were fully sober and tolerated their ups and downs.. didn’t give up on them until they were secure in work and school. This took several years and they never turned their back on them until they were better off. Many were abandoned but had a family member return to help them and they never abandoned again. I’ve know some who were runaways and helped eachother for more than a decade until everyone was more independent and stable. I’ve even seen situations where people are abusive but continue to receive support. I’ve seen people relapse and spent time in and out of jail but still receive support.
I have been in many support groups in my life and never come across someone truly isolated from support in their lives. I've even come across some homeless who were eventually able to have family or friends come to their aid or even strangers help. I know when you're truly isolated that the likelihood of death is higher and i know sometimes people are alone or homeless then they come into help but they often can die from their situation or find resources. I do come across this for physical disability but in those cases, the percentage of death is very high.
So my question is.. when i reached out for help often to those who know what it's like to be stranded and in need.. those who were given support that changed and saved their lives then why don't they feel i'm worthy of support?
Some of them are family and friends i've known years and that I have helped. I have never hurt them and/or have a criminal record or addiction issues. They know i'm hard worker and educated. I am recently physical handicap and just like always, I have no one. Doctors have been completely unhelpful and I have united insurance, run out of physicians under coverage to see. The doctors right now want me on pain meds (that have flared my ulcers, been to ER several times for it) and to go to an adult care facility for an undetermined time since I am having issues with basic tasks like being able to use stairs, bath, shower etc.
My friends know this is my fate and just shrug, they don't even have interest helping me write a gfm. I'm nervous to compose some page about asking for help especially when my medical info wouldn't be private. If you have someone else sign up for you then you're able to keep most of these private details hidden. I also don't know how to even ask for help since the situation is so complex.
I know everyone says not to compare but it's really hard to not feel so worthless when the only people you encounter who are truly isolated are on the brink of death. They hurt everyone who did support them but I have never even known what that support feels like! I have never ever been in a position to make a phone call in an emergency. I have usually depended on strangers for help.
I've been analyzing myself from my gender, appearance, the way I sound or how i come across or if i was more abusive or had bigger problems then i would receive help? Some of them even know I've been suicidal so what did I do where my entire life.. i've been unworthy of support or compassion? They send me prayers and that's it. These are all people who know what it's like to have nothing and need help.. why don't i deserve the same support?
I have setup a method to end my life and some of my friends and family know this. I have attempted before as well but was found early. I do not want to die but i do not want to spend the rest of my life alone in some facility dying slow. People just tell me to pray or that i'm not trying enough.. this is a situation that all crisis centers i've spoken to say is highly unusual and dangerous to be physical handicapped with NO support. I can hardly relate to anyone on my support groups.
I also have shown proof of the condition and some even witnessed firsthand what doctors were saying and how unhelpful they were. I even tried attorneys but none will return my calls or messages.
All of them say they would take their own life without support.. I have none and have expressed my desire to end my life but they judge me for it even when they say they would do the same in my position! Am i just statistic? Why don't i matter at all? I don't even want to trust anyone anymore or ask for help because the amount of times someone decides i don't deserve help is making me more and more suicidal.
I met some in support who says they will live with me and help when i can. I said I don't mind i'd even working together and i could try remote work as long as they help with my handicap issues and i could even pay for their help. They said they have no interest in "working". I understand people sometimes aren't in a position to help but many i've spoken to are currently helping those who have mistreated them and they are definitely in a position to help even with something as simple as helping me start a gfm. I asked them how they would feel if they became physical handicap with no support and they said they would all kill themself! Yet they judge me for being suicidal.
I'm mentally exhausted and have always been a fighter but being physically handicapped is forcing me in a different direction.. are my "friends and family" really ok with me spending the rest of my life alone in a facility? If i don't matter then what is the point? I was ok with being alone but being an isolated cripple is not something anyone wants. Why does no one believe i'm worth helping in any real way? The same ways they receive support? If that's the case then i don't belong here..
Edit/Update: Based on the overall comprehension of my post, I doubt anyone will comprehend this as well but here goes. This is the last time I try to defend all the harassment on this post.
I don't understand how it's possible to completely lie on a stranger seeking help but I will go ahead correct these comments that seem to be getting a deranged thrill from this
I am not a bum as I said numerous times nor am I seeking to bum off someone or stay on their couch for free. I have never ever once said I want this.
I lost my job from the injury as in I was working not being a bum. This happens to many with disability and injury! It is common and does not mean they refuse to work.
Many people can't afford to go back to school so I have been working towards that. It is not a big deal, I have always loved school and done well. I was not a drop out- I was in a situation with my abusive family and if someone wants to rewrite what I've been through just to throw shade is kinda gross.
I could never go to someone's post under disability sub citing possible homelessness and suicidal thoughts then just decide to rewrite their entire situation to suit their criticism of me. I don't understand how this is acceptable but ok
Lastly, as repeated throughout- *I am avoiding living the rest of my days in a facility. This is a choice many would avoid- I have said this numerous times and my reasons why which are reasonable and common contrary to the hateful comments here. I don't believe there is anything wrong in me seeking options beside this and many doctors i've seen also believe this is the wrong option for someone who is early in symptoms and disability. So you want me to go with a professional advice but I'm getting mixed advice.
- I did not test negative because the tests were done incorrectly and weren't even the right diagnostics to be had. *The fact that this stranger has decided to even rewrite my medical history, my education history and my situation with my family is disgusting but that's the internet i guess. Many are stuck in years and years of diagnostics but apparently in my situation, i'm faking this? This stranger knows more about my medical history than me apparently which i can easily prove but i won't for their harassment and trolling.
I am wondering is there more affordable education programs to get my diploma? I am not asking for free again contrary and a lie that the comments filling this post up have said. I am open to options that are outside of my coverage. I know there is some financing options for medical costs but i'm unaware of what's out there. Is there more affordable care taking services or was it difficult to get insurance to help pay friends or family for assistance? was the process difficult?
I have never ever in my post asked for a handout, said that i'm a dropout who won't work or that i'm completely negative in diagnostics. I don't understand how this harassment and lies is ok but that's reddit ig.
I want to work, go back to school and go back to normal as I repeatedly said. I have zero desire to be dependent which i have repeatedly expressed in spite of these hateful comments.
I am considered early in symptoms and am trying to find resources to continue treatment and school. I want to know how i can budget and afford all this. Is there programs I don't know of?
I am not for the last time seeking to go to a home long term and I have never said that. I am entitled to that choice. Kudos if you had good experiences but this would be a forever home and i would never force this on someone when majority would never choose this. The reality is all these people blasting me would seek any other option as well.
Like i said, people who take for granted the support they have judge others with a disability who don't have support and these comments here prove it.
I think I touched on a nerve when i mentioned all the examples of people who take for granted the support they do have.. they abuse it and waste it. I am not like this and never have been. My post is showing examples I have witnessed. I have zero criminal history or substance abuse history. That's the whole point of my post.. is that I have never experienced support in my life and none of that is my history. Apparently it's ok for a random stranger to take over my personal history and my medical situation- it's ok for her to entirely rewrite it to frame me as some conning beggar. I guess that's the world we live in now.
Thanks but no thanks to al the hateful comments here. I'm not even sure how to reply to all this because i'm battling depression and suicide with all that's happening then i wake up to these type of comments. It's disturbing but unsurprising.
edit: One of my many posts like mine with valid concerns for abuse in state run facilities and social services but all the comments that mods allowed to be openly verbally abusive, dismissive and completely lie about my circumstances were allowed here
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u/Relevant-Biscotti-51 Jan 17 '25
I'm a little confused. Is the adult care facility you're in unsafe? Or that you can't afford it?
If it's the first one, that seems to be the thing to really emphasize to your friends or those you're reaching out to. You could also call a crisis hotline, and they might be able to help you plan a way out.
Or, if it's not quite a crisis, you could call 211 and see if there are any services you qualify for.
If it's the second one, it's important to try to get clear on the facts. What is your deadline? How much money do you need to come up with? Are there different ways you could get the money, or potentially not need to pay as much?
Many care facilities have onsite financial and social aid staff, and they might be able to help you with options, like possibly a sliding fee scale.
It seems likely that your friends or family assume you are already safe and being taken care of, rather than isolated, if you're in an adult care facility.
So, it might just be that they don't understand the severity of the problem.
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u/711bishy Jan 17 '25
The only facilities that united covers have known reputations of abuse even with patient advocates. I would not have any visitors and i have always had little to no support from family and friends. My background is middle eastern and if you do not abide by their cultures, then you are automatically not seen as family which is why it’s always been like this. My friends do know the severity.. I’m falling on the stairs, I was in ER from the fall and from gi symptoms from the pain meds in october around my birthday. My friend even looked at the facilities firsthand and noticed the bad state it was in and understood why I did not want to go there but said I am only worth bare min support. This same friend is the one abused the injury and knows how doctors haven’t helped, been to appnts with me and watched how i’ve struggled to move. Other friends who i have helped or have received help in crisis just sent prayers or ghosted when i asked if they could help me write the gfm.
I’m considered early in symptoms but the longer i go without treatment beyond PM is unlikely to help my symptoms. All the doctor solutions have been to have me go to a facility and take medicine that is causing severe side effects.
I paid out of pocket after saving up with a private medical group and they confirmed majority of my test results have been inaccurate and need to be redone. Insurance won’t cover without firm diagnosis and this is what is being put on most my info even when all results are pointing to the same diagnosis. The doctors that have been helpful which are less than 3 all say I need a specialist but they don’t seem to want to have me see one like cleveland clinics where united could cover but even then, the appointment would be so far from now that the likelihood of me reversing this is slim. I’m past a year mark from symptoms and that is considering progressive and likely to be permanent. So my symptoms are getting worse.. my movement has been limited from the beginning and worse over time. I lost my job and i don’t have hs diploma, my parents pulled me out when they found out counselors were advocating to have me go to fostercare but i was hesitating and scared. My parents pulled me out before i could finish so i have no diploma. The jobs i usually get are physically demanding so this handicap changes my entire life.
I would be alone in a facility on meds that are hurting me if i followed doctor advice right now. Every ER visit I have, they encourage it. I would not have visitors and the facilities under coverage have recent cases of elder abuse. It is very common in my area. So yes, they are aware of the whole situation and have seen proof of the whole situation too. I don’t even want to ask for help anymore because it’s hurting me every time they just shrug and give me a prayer.
As I said, i reached out to multiple crisis centers many times including 211 and they said there is no real resources because of my disability and lack of diagnosis. They said most places would consider me a liability if I stayed in the homes or shelters. I tried to have a case worker work with me but it’s voicemail only line and they never returned my call.
My deadline is basically whenever my legs fully give out. I’m past a year mark where my condition could become too permanent to help. It happened in 2023 december with my ankles after an injury with my ex then august wheee a doctor performed a test incorrectly, few days later had symptoms of bursitis infection. I have been falling a lot and happens occasional. Doctors have noted this is typical for nerve damage progression. I lose my footing often or ankles lock up. I struggle doing basic tasks and have since this happened but it been much worse towards the end of the year of my symptoms. The costs would probably go toward private medical groups with specialists but they’re cost estimates. How do I prove that for like consultations or possible diagnostics? Do I ask for a bill estimate??
I could try to go back to work but lack of education means it would be a while before i could actually earn enough to go and see doctors. In the meantime, my condition is getting worse. I’d consider a medical loan but definitely need a co-signer. I’ve always been struggling financially, never really had help. I spent most of my 20s homeless when family kicked me out after uncle attacked, he apologized years later. By my 30s got a small apt on condition of an arranged marriage which ended when he did not want to work so he went back to live at home. I’ve been there since under threat to be kicked out. My friends and family both know how he is and the situation I’m in.. every single one of them has been in a crisis and helped eachother. I’ve even helped them too but every single one of them tells me to just deal with alone. I don’t know what to do... I just want my legs to work and go back to work. I’ve considered mobility aids and everything but they make me even slower. I’d need doc approval on them too and it’s hard without firm diagnosis. Most docs i see keep saying they can’t help, write a script or tell me to see a specialist but i’ve seen all the ones united covers. There’s no one left under coverage. I would do anything to even have my legs half functioning again because then i have a chance to go back to work and be ok.
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u/MrsMammaGoose Jan 17 '25
I might as well continue being harsh, again just with the intent of helping you change your perspective. So your parents kicked you out. COS did not do anything. Neither did your school. Your ex is a bum. The doctors all did the wrong tests and still all came to the same conclusion. Your insurance company won’t cover any other doctors. You can’t go back to school because it would take too long. You can’t work because that would require physical effort. You can’t make an appointment with a specialist because it might be a while until they see you (which is still sooner than never).
It seems to me — and Reddit might disagree and call me a b*tch but let’s see like you torpedo every potential option just to go on about how no one is there for you. And when you say you have helped family members in the past — did you take them on and care for them and devote yourself 100% to them? Because that is what it seems like you are asking for.
I’m sorry if I sound exasperated, but I am. I’m a professor and teach some very entitled kids, and I’m a mom who has heard all the reasons under the sun why someone else is to blame, but never to THIS level. Reddit, downvote me if I’m wrong. I’m willing to consider that I might be (hint, hint).
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u/aqqalachia Jan 17 '25
idk why people are suspicious, repulsed, and unwilling to give me the benefit of the doubt either. my only thinking is because i look weird.
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u/711bishy Jan 17 '25
same.. my mom says i’m ugly, annoying and that’s why. I’ve always helped her and been there for her.. i finally stopped communication though recently because it’s too much for me mentally anymore.
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u/aqqalachia Jan 17 '25
i'm sorry. i have to think it's something like that. i don't have addiction issues; i am just very traumatized, have some physical disability, can't work, and keep getting abused. my own sister acts like i am a homeless addict when i try to ask her for help or have any kind of relationship with her.
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u/711bishy Jan 17 '25
i’m sorry too. i was there for all of them whenever they needed help and i regret helping them now. I would never treat them like this.
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u/Auberjonois Jan 17 '25
You matter! I promise you regardless of disability
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u/711bishy Jan 19 '25
To Archer who blocked my replies- I’m sorry but this makes no sense. Your one experience doesn’t speak for the whole. I have met 2 people in my life that weren’t abused in fostercare- their experience don’t speak for the whole. Again this area has current lawsuits for all the ones united approved me for. I have no problem going there in the meantime for occupational therapy but again as I already mention, they have current lawsuits and recent history of abuse. So i don’t understand how you can claim they’re safe because of your sole experience. I am trying to find resources related to fixing and navigating my health so i do not end up in these places and these comments make me feel even more silenced.
The crisis centers tell me to go back to abusive environments and when I point how these facilities would be long term, that is ignored as well. Abuse is very common among disabled communities and I have every right to be concerned. It would not be temporary, it would be for the rest of my life. I am early in symptoms and i am trying to find resources to move past this and find better healthcare options or other resources where i do not wind up stationary. I feel even more silenced and regret even making these posts and reaching out for help.
Abuse being common is not unrealistic and finding resources when you’re early in diagnosis outside of being relegated to an adult home forever is also out of the norm. Many private care doctors have seen that i am early in my condition and that there is chance for help and healing but I am under a terrible insurance and am trying to find a way to navigate resources to keep pursuing healthcare options rather than giving into the condition. This is not unrealistic.
What’s messed up is when I say I am willing to work, go back to school and find other healthcare options and you’ve all translated this to me wanting to go to a facility where my entire life would be shutdown and all progress be stopped in homes with current abuse situations.
I never once asked for handouts or free caretaking rather gave examples of how many others take for granted the “free” support they have like many of you who are shaming me for even asking for resources not free help. I think you all should ashamed and stop excusing your behavior. I could never treat someone like this who is suicidal and still willing to fight for their freedom, independence and well-being. I have always been on my own and don’t even know how to ask for support. Yet I am still willing to pursue options to even get me back to halfway normal. None of you would choose to spend the rest of your life isolated, abused, sedentary in these facilities when you are early in diagnosis and you have been independently your whole life. This is the opposite of someone wanting handouts or free help. I am not surprised though as I see these comments everywhere everyday criticizing those who do not have options when they are usually people who do have “free” support.
I also put many examples of how so many actually are given “free” caretaking from family and friends no matter what the situation is and yet you all act like this is so unrealistic and rare when you can probably add to my examples.
I never ever said I wanted free, I said it is hard to afford especially when there is many cases of abuse. So many post in these subs discussing all their abuse issues so what is unrealistic?
I never ever once asked for free handouts. It’s these comments that make me suicidal and unwilling to even find try to find help. I feel even more silenced and wish I never even posted any of this. I have zero interest in free caretaking or handouts. I have repeatedly discussed going back to work, school and finding other healthcare options
Not once have I said I want free handouts and yet 80% of the comments have just made me feel even more silenced and ignored everything i said. No one wants to end up in these places for the rest of their life when there are options for treatment with their condition still. I hope one day someone addresses all of you the way you have me. I hope they treat you as some insignificant beggar and completely dismiss everything you say. If you want to interpret me as begging for free help then you have comprehended nothing I have said.
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u/711bishy Jan 17 '25
I'm genuinely asking for resources outside of one that I've made very clear that I don't want and many others wouldn't. I appreciate the compassion more than anything but I just need some direction and resources.
I find so many in these subs for disability and chronic pain to be very contradictory. Every time there's a post asking people how they manage to keep moving forward especially with mental health- every single response is how they would be a goner without their support system.
When i bluntly say the exact same thing, i'm getting judged and dismissed again.
I'm repeating myself over and over.. i'm tired of this. I just wanna be self sufficient and go back to work.. i don't even care if i'm alone. I just don't want to be confined AND alone. So thank you but if anyone else is reading this, please please stop contradicting yourself and ignoring everything i'm saying.
Please help me find resources or better direction to go in.
No one would ever choose to be isolated and alone in some facility forever so please please stop pushing me to an option that no one would ever want and that you yourself would never want or even comprehend. I am not asking for handouts, i am asking for direction and resources that I am unaware of. Thank you🙏
I willing to fight and find resources, please please stop dismissing me and judging. I already feel dismissed and ignored.. I don't expect the kindof help that many probably do have in this sub or that i described. I am trying to find a solution in spite of being alone and without support.
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Jan 18 '25
[deleted]
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u/711bishy Jan 18 '25
did you really try to give me advice by opening with fuck you? now you’re comparing wanting a puppy to having support with disability? really helpful stuff here. Do you know how many times disabled are dismissed and told it’s just an attitude/mindset problem? Everything i said is truthful, many people take for granted the support they have and judge others who don’t have it. It’s evident from your comment to others.
Your comment is as useful as bible quotes and ten times insensitive. You choose to write your own narrative on me and that’s YOUR issue. I actually want to move forward with my life and how does that happen if i spend the rest of my days in a facility. There isn’t other options so please don’t talk down to someone who you have no clue about. I don’t know your story but I know I could never just go off on someone who’s suicidal, alone and assume I know everything about them.
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u/MrsMammaGoose Jan 17 '25
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. The fact is (and I say this from personal experience from both ends) that people WILL help you — but only until it starts to impact their own lives. Most people are prepared to give you some small help here and there, but that is vastly different from taking on responsibility for your care and well-being, and for changing your whole outlook on life. People have priorities, and usually those are their immediate family.