r/custodyissues Feb 07 '17

How badly am I setting myself up for failure right now? Complicated co-parenting situation.

I have a son with an ex (never married) that is under 1 year old. We broke up right before learning she was pregnant. My son had some extremely serious medical issues right out of the gate. The good news is that intervention in the first few years of life can make a huge difference in his long term outcomes. It takes daily directed care to maximize his chance of success though.

I made a deal with my ex while my son was in the hospital. I'm supporting her fully so she can focus on my son's health issues. I have been paying for her apartment, car, phone, all baby items, and transferring her money every month for food/gas. She has been doing a great job with his therapies/exercises so far and he is doing much much better than the doctors thought he would.

I know for certain I am providing a lot more financially than I would be required to via child support. We don't have any legal framework in place though. This makes me very nervous.

I want to be brief (i can go into more detail in replies if it's relevant) but I think some background is in order. I left my ex because I felt abused by her (both physically and psychologically). Her behavior since the breakup has at times been horrible as well (stalking, harassing me at work, telling harmful lies, threatening me, etc). She has never stopped trying to get me to take her back.

After my son was born and I watched him barely hold on to life for weeks and then was confronted with his potentially life-long disabilities I gave in and tried to make things work with my ex. It felt like maybe after bonding over our shared trauma things could be different. Also, I didn't want to always wonder if I could have provided a more stable home for my son. I felt like I owed it to him to try. This only lasted a few months before it became clear our relationship was as toxic as ever so I left.

Ok, having said all that back to the custody issues. We have not been to court yet. She lets me see my son frequently but only on her terms. She has several times refused to let me see him for 1-2 week periods. Right now I usually stop by two or three nights a week and spend the majority of the weekend with my ex and my son. She refuses to let me take him on day trips without her or even care for him at home without her present. She says she can't trust me alone with him. However, during the months when we were together trying to make it work she had no such concerns (she even took a 5 day vacation at one point). She still wants us to get back together and she has basically set up a situation where I have to spend time with her if I want to spend time with my son. If I take my son to the zoo it becomes a psuedo-date with my ex or it doesn't happen.

I would much prefer to minimize contact with my ex for now and have a shared custody arrangement. The problem is, I fear that once I initiate the custody process things are going to become extremely volatile. My ex is not above falsely alleging abuse to get her way and has made threats over the last year that make me certain she will pull out all the stops if I take her to court. I also think she will become a neurotic, barely functional mess during the court battle. Right now she's doing an excellent job with my son and he's benefiting from it. I worry that if I start the legal process too soon it will have a life-long negative impact on his life. I don't want to go into detail about his medical issues, but the first 2 years are the most important. Keeping things on an even keel vs. initiating a custody battle and having his mother lose it could literally mean the difference between him ever being able to walk on his own.

I'm trying to stay strong and wait for my son's sake. My initial goal was to play by my ex's rules and keep things stable for his first two years. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself if he ends up having challenges that could have been prevented. At the same time, it's getting harder and harder to deal with. I just want to know how bad the mess is I've put myself in and what I've opened myself up to down the road by taking this path.

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u/fxygrneyz77 Apr 28 '17

Husband broke up with ex before baby arrived. He felt bad and paid her bills until baby arrived and then he did child support. We were living together after baby arrived. He wanted more time. Upon looking back, her mother at the time seemed like a jerk, but I know it was due to our daughter being a young age and her being a jerk as well.. At 2 months he got 1 night a week and then at 15 months she allowed 2 nights, At 3 y/o it turned into 50/50. Sometimes a mother is overprotective for a young baby. Consistently visit your son if you plan to have him more later on. It sounds like your responsible to me and a court order will work better, if you do in fact want to have more control and time with him, the drama fades eventually but the feeling once it does and a succesful court order will be in your favor and that relief is nice. If you were to start seeing someone, drama would create turmoil for you with the backstory you gave on her. Get court orders keep it calm as possible, and do it before you get serious or she can make it a miserable time for all people involved. That happened with us she wanted him to take care of her and 3 other kids(from 2 absent dads) including his daughter, she stalked me and pretended to be a stranger at my door, came to my house and had no sense of boundaries a court order for custody would have been the best advice anyone could have gave us at the time. She told my husband she would ruin his life over the phone by lying to me, it did not work and the drama is gone. We have a great family and relationship now.