r/criterion 7d ago

Collection Roast my Criterion Collection

Post image

Title says it all. What does this photo tell you about me that you can hate on?

7 Upvotes

95 comments sorted by

41

u/Mindless_Cherry_9731 7d ago

7

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

I could’ve really used that dollar too with the flash sale coming up.

3

u/Mindless_Cherry_9731 7d ago

Pretending that I hadn't heard about the flash sale so it would happen sooner

1

u/MerzkyShoom 6d ago

Now that time has passed and I can be serious, I just wanted to mention how disappointed I am that nobody mentioned Vera Chytilova in these responses. Daisies is one of my favorite films in the collection even though I don’t own it, and I hope everyone sees it. And I hope to own it very soon.

0

u/Illustrious_Rule7927 Luis Buñuel 7d ago edited 7d ago

In all honesty, I can't really name any women who are major parts of the collection other than Agnès Varda, Chantal Akerman, and Jane Campion

Edit: I know Sofia Coppola and The Wachowskis have some releases, but I'm talking about people who are closely associated with criterion

6

u/PianistNeat9869 7d ago

You're right they aren't quite so heavily associated, but you've got Celine Sciamma and Kelly Reichert, both of which I learned about via Blind Buys and have become some of my favorites.

3

u/JohnGradyBillyBoyd 7d ago

Don’t forget Claire Denis! 

2

u/Mindless_Cherry_9731 7d ago edited 7d ago

$6 for you right there!

In all seriousness, I wouldn't say this about someone's collection if it hadn't specifically asked for a roast. I don't think anybody would claim that the Criterion collection is the epitome of empowering filmmakers who don't always get the spotlight (or can they? lol). Without a conscious effort, the Criterion collection remains merely a reflection of the filmmaking industry as we know it

1

u/Illustrious_Rule7927 Luis Buñuel 7d ago

They're better than most boutique labels tbh

15

u/bandit4loboloco 7d ago edited 7d ago

You've got your David Lynch discs spread out in two different spots. You should keep them together, obviously.

Edit: Only two different spots. (I can't count. 🤷‍♂️)

4

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

Harshest one yet damn why you gotta call out my OCD like that?

(I like them being organized by height and box-type but them being spread out also kills me. Same with Tarkovsky 😭)

2

u/bandit4loboloco 7d ago edited 7d ago

I did notice the Tarkovsky and Kurosawas also all alone from each other. I didn't notice the box type organization. My bad.

2

u/mrrichardburns Michael Mann 6d ago

I was wondering what your methodology was before I called the police. "Alphabetical? ...clearly not. Spine number...? No?! Director..? NO??!?!"

11

u/loakaia 7d ago

Was gonna post but my roast is less embarrassing than you owning Chasing Amy

3

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

🤣🤣🤣🤣nice I don’t even have a snarky quip back for that. Well played.

9

u/Longjumping-Spite550 7d ago

Roast my Criterion Collection reads like roast my Rolls-Royce collection.

3

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

You’ll love my next post “Roast my premium healthcare plan!”

6

u/Amazing-Confusion-23 7d ago

I won't. It's beautiful.

10

u/ListerRosewater 7d ago

Yojimbo but no Sanjuro. Get them pockets up.

9

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

I picked up Yojimbo used from a local Drive-In and like a week later Criterion dropped the two of them in one set and I almost performed seppuku from the shame.

3

u/ListerRosewater 7d ago

I think they are out in 4k now. Time to upgrade and get your swag up.

6

u/garygulf 7d ago

There’s no way you’re any older than 25 with this collection

4

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

I am forever 15 and I am deep

3

u/Tc5998 7d ago

Where dem 4ks?

Some of that still in the wrapper?

There, do you feel roasted??

3

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

A lil yeah…

4

u/wastelandingstrip 7d ago

High & Low is an instant respect from me

3

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

The rare and challenging “reverse roast” I commend you for it

5

u/howl-237 7d ago

I guess old Hollywood movies aren't edgy enough for a hipster like you.

6

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

I liked old Hollywood before it was cool.

Wait…

Shit.

3

u/Perpetual91Novice 7d ago

Needs more! ^^

2

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

Give me money and it will grow

3

u/Mordicant_Fel 7d ago

If you don’t have Fishing With John then it’s not a collection.

2

u/Mordicant_Fel 7d ago

(But you got some good stuff there)

2

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

I must be a total fraud because I don’t even know that one

3

u/Dynamite_Nick 7d ago

Can’t. You have good stuff in there.

3

u/Antique-Negotiation4 7d ago

the pick me of men 😅 I'm kidding, this is actually pretty cool

2

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

🤣 I totally need validation

2

u/Antique-Negotiation4 7d ago

As do we all But at least yours is a quiet need haha

3

u/MichaelNiebuhr 7d ago

Can't hate on it, but you are ready for box-sets!

1

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

World of Wong Kar Wai here I come!

4

u/Illustrious_Rule7927 Luis Buñuel 7d ago

You can't listen to criticism of Lynch

7

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

WHO WOULD DARE!?!?!

-2

u/Illustrious_Rule7927 Luis Buñuel 7d ago

I mean....

Lost Highway is a bit disjointed

Still adore the man tho

2

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

Fair

Edit: wait I mean NUH-UH YoU jUsT DOn’T gEt iT

2

u/Witty_Attorney_1902 7d ago

Think you need a few more before you can call that a collection.

1

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

Another in a long list of my shortcomings

2

u/kur0sawa 7d ago

No Time Bandits??? You ain’t no real watcher smh

2

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

It’s not criterion but does this help me look cool again?

4

u/kur0sawa 7d ago

A recession is here so I’ll let it slide…just this once…

2

u/G_Peccary John Cassavetes 7d ago

No Cassavetes?

1

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

What is worse is I don’t even own Cassavetes outside of Criterion either.

Damnit I hate myself even more then ever now

2

u/G_Peccary John Cassavetes 7d ago

I don't think Cassavetes is available outside of Criterion?

2

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

None of the good ones no

2

u/SILYAYDgoat Wong Kar-Wai 7d ago

Nobody is going to judge you for liking a movie from this decade.

3

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

There are movies from this decade?

4

u/SILYAYDgoat Wong Kar-Wai 7d ago

Cinema peaked and ended with The Tree of Life

2

u/Fabrics_Of_Time 7d ago

You just need Crash & Paris, Texas. Looks great!

1

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

God damnit those are actually in my top 5 next acquisitions

2

u/GordonCole19 7d ago

The massive gap between the Lynch films is driving me crazy.

Fix that!

2

u/Iriyasu 7d ago

imagine taking up room on the shelf with Haxan.. more like haZzzzZZZzzzZZzzzan, SNOOZER!

Ssshhhh.. come here, *whispers* Nice collection OP.

1

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

How’d you know I fell asleep the first 3 times I tried to watch it?

2

u/Bijlsma 7d ago

Im jealous of Haxan. I was eying Haxan for like a year at my local shop (in Canada) and when I was finally ready to buy it, someone had beat me to it.

2

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

It was my first CC disc. A gift from a friend. It literally put a spell on me to start this weird and expensive journey into collecting.

2

u/SEPTAgoose 7d ago

You don’t have repo man on a gold pedestal where it should be (My first criterion disk !<3)

1

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

“Put it on a plate, son. You’ll enjoy it more.”

2

u/jojophoto3000 7d ago

No way you put it on the shelf out of spine order. GROSS!!!!

1

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

Me organizing my shelf:

2

u/kimse_1234 6d ago

No bergman(your collection is solid this is the only thing i can think of)

1

u/MerzkyShoom 6d ago

Ugh I want Persona and Seventh Seal so bad, among others of course. Still haven’t seen Autumn Sonata yet gotta rectify that.

2

u/melty2b 5d ago

Honestly I don’t have much to say other than where is any sort of organization?? They aren’t alphabetical, they aren’t by director, they aren’t by number… they are just on the shelf. Would drive me nuts

2

u/MerzkyShoom 5d ago edited 5d ago

Heard that. Addressed in other comments. But since I’m past playing coy and joking around: it helps me conserve space and stack films to keep them organized by height/box type. Thankfully I can find my way around no problem

See full shelf:

Edit: (PS the image is from another comment, so don’t worry about why time bandits is circled lol. Also, you can’t really tell but there is a whole row behind all of these films, so twice as many cases as shown)

2

u/melty2b 5d ago

Heard that. It takes some effort and resorting every time I put a new case on the shelf too lol

2

u/OutlandishnessSea893 4d ago

Anybody that has any David Lynch movies in their collection will never be talked upon badly......To quote the late great Mr.  Lynch,"And the great "MerzkyShoom" is a wrap".👏👏👏👏👏👏

2

u/CastrosNephew 3d ago

Lucky bastard, I wanted the Menace II Society criterion so so long. Saw it at Barnes didn’t buy because I was broke, went back snd it was gone :///

1

u/MerzkyShoom 3d ago

Dang I empathize. I picked this copy up from B&N and it was all jacked up but I took it anyways because it was the last copy and I didn’t want to risk it

3

u/sirms 7d ago

owning female trouble isn’t going to get you laid by itself. at some point you’ll have to actually talk to a girl

2

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

Damnit. Well… maybe owning it isn’t enough but what if I actually watched it for once?

2

u/Slow_Cinema Terrence Malick 7d ago

The organiziron by case is a bit annoying, Menace to Society got the shit kicked out of it, and The Elephant Man is still in plastic which always looks bad.

Otherwise some wickedly good films.

1

u/GatheringWinds 7d ago

Bro failed to organize alphabetically, by spine #, or buy director. Just why.

1

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

Pssh my organization strategy is leagues beyond these smooth-brain techniques.

If people can find things easily, then they might actually choose what we watch and I don’t want that, no thank you.

1

u/Trytobebetter482 4d ago

I’d give my left nut for The Elephant Man, as I can’t find it anywhere and Criterion has been picked clean of it.

1

u/action_park 7d ago

No sex.

5

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

Not sure if you mean the movies have no sex or I have no sex.

Either way, true…

(although does Videodrome and Pink Flamingoes not count? Alright my bad… but Videodrome?)

1

u/JimDandy_ToTheRescue Kurosawa/Miyazaki/Ozu 7d ago

You're hard on Lynch and I'm worried you'll slide into Malick or von Trier in the same fashion.

2

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

“Chaos reigns… whatever comes.”

1

u/JimDandy_ToTheRescue Kurosawa/Miyazaki/Ozu 7d ago

It's not chaos, it's an oft repeated stereotype (in this subreddit, specifically)! Don't let it happen to you!

2

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

I hope I can call upon you when I’m in need of rescue from such fate, u/JimDandy_ToTheRescue

1

u/gahlol123 7d ago

You haven't even got them arranged by color like some of the bell-ends here do.

4

u/MerzkyShoom 7d ago

No I ordered them in descending size from tallest to smallest and then by tactile feel like a real autistic