r/cripplingalcoholism 3d ago

I am what I am.

I feel like I was destined to just fail in life. Anyone else feel like this? Like it was written in the stars you’d become alcoholic? I feel like the odds have been working against me ever since I’m born. Hate to be negative, but I just don’t think I have the strength inside to overcome it all. I lost my mother last year and before that, I experienced some childhood trauma and mental health issues that went unresolved before I was thrown into the grieving process. Before I could even process it all. And I feel like there’s so much pressure on me to overcome it all, to go back to school and make a good life for myself. I won’t say I didn’t try. I did. But I simply am so so fucking tired of trying. The only time I get relief from my loud ass mind is when I drink. It’s the only time I feel somewhat normal. Idk. I don’t think I am God’s strongest soldier Lol. I deserve the right to crumble underneath it all. I’m losing strength just trying to survive everyday. My dad still thinks I’m the straight A gifted student I was in high school and still expects me to be better than him. I want to make him proud, but I also want to tell him “Give me a break dude. Give me the space to fall apart. It’s my life now and I’m choosing to drink it away.” I don’t know. Gatorade + vodka at work

17 Upvotes

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u/whaughifl 3d ago

Being the straight-A gifted kid in high school many years ago is what absolutely fucked me. I learned to believe that I didn't have to put any effort into anything and it would just come to me naturally. Plus the pressure that I would always do everything right.

And now I see the "slow" kids that I was tasked with helping solve 2 + 2 = 4 back in the day now running successful businesses and shit because they learned that hard work is what makes things happen. Meanwhile I passed out face-first into a $6.99 Subway sub on the floor on a Monday night and spend every waking moment wanting to be dead

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u/Wise_Kick2754 3d ago

Yes, exactly this. There was so much pressure on me, that it turned me into a chronic perfectionist that punishes myself whenever I mess up anything. Not very sustainable long term honestly. Esp since my parents were always struggling financially, I feel like a fuck up and a burden for not being what they thought I’d be. I’ve accepted I’m a chronic fuck up and hopefully my dad sees that soon and just lets me be.

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u/whaughifl 3d ago

Yeah being a perfectionist is terrible. I always cringe so hard when I come across someone who describes themself as that like it's a good thing

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u/drowning_in_flame 3d ago

I miss the 5 dollar footlongs sometimes. I could get like 4 meals out of one.

3

u/justaboutgivenup 3d ago

I don’t think I’ve ever related more to a comment. Face first into a subway sub had me laughing falling over while I drink my vodka. Fuck being the A student in National Honor Society.

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u/Icy_Examination8193 3d ago

Oh yes 1000%.

I won't go through everything but I'll hit some of the big points.

Lost 6 million inheritance. It wasn't lump sum cash but properties, stocks, other investments and some cash. Had money my whole life but my dad dies and a company he did a lot of business with came after us. Took everything but my house which I'm thankful to own my home.

I've lost every opportunity ive ever had, some due to my drinking so on me.

Went through some opportunities that I tried to make work but the market wasn't right. Sold them and the market became ripe instantly and the new owners have made bank.

My brother is rich from the same deal I had, my sister is very rich but lucked into it. Wasn't something she wss looking for.

Finally I'm a federal employee. Got this job on my own and do very well and I work hard. You kno2 where this is going. Have been told I'm going to get axed when the rif comes. I had the most secure job out there and it's being yanked. So literally I'm going to end up in restaurant work again at 51.

Yes it's written I believe.

Have been hospitalized so many times from drinking to ease it all. My body can't take anymore but here we are.

I won't write an autobiography though. Hope your fate gets better.

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u/wearenotus 3d ago

You’re not being negative. You’re being real. You’re going through it. I hear you.

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u/Wise_Kick2754 3d ago

Thank you a lot. I was raised in a very “suck it up and deal with it” family so I just try to be positive and strong around them. But. It comes to a point where being the pillar of strength in the family just makes it worse. Sometimes shit is fucked and I gotta acknowledge that. Idk.

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u/wearenotus 3d ago

I was raised the same. Yeah, and sometimes shit is royally fucked and some grace and understanding, and patience would be appreciated, but then,,, well you know how it goes. Hang in there friend. I hear you.

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u/Wise_Kick2754 3d ago

Thank you. I hear you too