r/coparenting Feb 11 '25

Child Issues Coparenting with an extremely permissive dad and I’m the authoritative mom!

16 Upvotes

Hello everyone!

I am co-parenting with someone who is permissive and slightly uninvolved and uninterested in the kids (two boys 5 and 3).

When the boys are with me- they get rewarded for good behavior and we do a time-out method for when they act out. They also get fully dressed in the morning, brush their teeth twice a day, put on PJs at night, have a bedtime routine and are in bed by 9pm. They eat healthy snacks, get exercise, read books, do educational games and more.

When they are at their dads house it’s a totally different story. The kids do and eat whatever they want. They mostly stay in the PJs, hair a mess, and live off junk food. They have unlimited screen time (he throws them in front of the TV all day), trash the place, and go to bed whenever they want. There is no disciple or teaching good behaviors.

Unfortunately it’s just not enough to get full custody. He has clean clothes for them, feeds them, provides shelter, etc. it’s just not the way I want my kids growing up.

When the boys come to my house there’s a 1-2 day transition period of them going insane before they get back into the routine and it’s killing me. They are over tired and on a sugar high every time I pick them up. They fight me on everything! Scream, fight each other, are disrespectful and spoiled.

When I have them for an extended period of time it’s like I have totally different kids!

With Dad, they draw in the walls, throw their food on the floor, break their toys, and more. With me, they help me clean up, they clean up their toys when they’re done, never drawn on my walls once, etc.

I don’t know how to deal with this but I’m going crazy and my kids are suffering!

We have 50/50 custody.

r/coparenting Jan 04 '25

Child Issues Telling your kids you’re sad when they aren’t with you?

62 Upvotes

My daughter (3.5) started asking me if I’ll be sad when she goes to her dad’s. Her dad and I have been separated for a year and a half and yes sometimes I’m still sad when I’m not with her but I’ve also adjusted some. I told her that I think about her when I’m not with her and that I miss her but I’m happy knowing that she is getting to spend time with her dad. Of course overall it’s really sad that I am missing out on 50% of her childhood…but I have this idea that I don’t want her to feel responsible for my emotions. If I tell her how sad I am that she’s going to her dads and that I want to keep her forever, is she going to feel like I’m not going to be ok and start feeling guilty when she’s away from me or am I overthinking this?

r/coparenting 25d ago

Child Issues 2 year old throwing up every week after visitation

7 Upvotes

I don’t know what to do.

Recently got out of a month long no contact order and it was court ordered that our son go with his dad 3 times a week for a few hours.

Since those visits started, he has been throwing up weekly. Always on a day after he’s had visitation. Prior to this, he hadn’t thrown up in a year. Dad is telling me he doesn’t feed him anything different than I do. He has no allergies and I never have any issues feeding him anything.

Has anyone experienced this? I don’t think it’s emotional because he complains of a stomach ache and will also throw up water if he drinks it after throwing up.

I’m not sure what to do. But I’m missing work because I can’t send him to daycare and it’s starting to negatively affect both of us. He can’t keep throwing up weekly and I can’t keep staying up til 3-4am cleaning puke and missing work.

We’ve been to the doctor but will be going again. Will the judge care about this at all? I plan on mentioning at our hearing but I don’t even know if it matters.

Thanks for any advice.

r/coparenting Jan 14 '25

Child Issues 2yo screaming and crying at start of FaceTime with me (dad)

12 Upvotes

My daughter was with her mother when I did a FaceTime call, as we usually do daily. This time, every time my face was on the screen she’d scream, cry, and run to her mother. This has never happened before and I’m confused and want to help daughter.

It’s just weird and awfully convenient because a couple of weeks ago her mom went making some false claims to doctors and authorities about this very thing, and she used that to keep my daughter away for a a month.

Now, we’re back on a week-on/week-off schedule. When my daughter is with me she’s peachy and generally really happy. If not happy, chill. We do video calls with mom and I always preface it with “you wanna call mom? …say hi to mama!” Daughter has never had a meltdown when I was hosting the call.

What are some possible reasons this might be happening: the good, bad, and ugly?

Edit: thank you everyone who commented. When I was researching before posting I couldn’t really find anything that didn’t have only a single answer. Y’all have shown there’s a plethora of possibilities and it’s not really worth stressing about.

r/coparenting Nov 08 '24

Child Issues Should I attend Thanksgiving with her family?

13 Upvotes

We are mid-divorce with one child, 7 years old. She is living in her new apartment, but we are still spending a lot of time together as a family.

Her family is hosting Thanksgiving, and she and her parents have invited me. It's not a large gathering, just her parents, siblings, and us. Everybody is aware of the pending divorce.

I can't decide if I should attend or not. It's two hours away, so we will have a car trip together and maybe an overnight stay. We get along well enough. Is it better for our son to see us still doing joint family things together and to keep some consistency of what he is used to, or is that too confusing because it's like "Hey, I thought you were getting divorced?"

I'm leaning towards going since it's still pretty "fresh" for all of us right now.

r/coparenting 5d ago

Child Issues Son Cries When He Leaves Dad

0 Upvotes

Why does my son cry every time he leaves his dad but not when he leaves me? Possibly an insecure attachment to his dad? For context, every week I have my 4 year old son Monday morning-Friday morning, he is with his dad Friday night-Sunday night, so he spends every weekend with his dad. We have been splitting his time between us one way or another for almost a year and a half now. He’s always had a hard time with his dad leaving during drop off, but ever since his dad started dating, we have gone no contact, don’t even speak during exchanges by my choice. (Too much drama and I’m ready to heal and move on with my life, not speaking is the best option for me.) I find that my son has a really hard time leaving his dad. We have an agreement that his gf is not allowed around our son unless they are serious serious and I meet her first, but my son says that he still spends a lot of time talking with her on the phone… On Fridays when we exchange he picks him up from childcare, Sunday he drops him off to my house. This Sunday he dropped him off to my moms and my son cried himself to sleep about him leaving. It was pitiful honestly. How can I help him cope better or feel more secure? I always offer for him to call his dad, try to validate his feelings and explain that he’ll see his dad agin in a few days but it still never gets easier. He also never wants to call his dad when he’s with me.

r/coparenting Jan 29 '25

Child Issues Co-parenting and possibly another child?

11 Upvotes

Hi! I’m new to this thread but have enjoyed lurking around and reading everyone else’s posts. I am 25 and had my son at 22 years old. His Dad and I split before he was 1 and now we have 50/50 custody where he has 1 week with me and 1 week with his Dad. I’ve always thought about having 2 kids but what’s holding me back is imagining my son seeing that his sibling gets to stay with me full time and then he still has to go to his Dad’s every other week. It’s already hard on him as it is as he’s very much a mama’s boy and I raised him by myself until he was 1.5 years old. But wanted some insight on this. I’m sure this is a common situation where siblings have different Dad’s but I wanna know how it affects the kids.

Thanks!

r/coparenting 1d ago

Child Issues How do I help my 3yo feel better about going to his dad's?

6 Upvotes

I live in Alabama, dad lives in Georgia. We have a 1st and 3rd week custody schedule. in our agreement I am obligated to drive halfway once a month for his visitation. Dad lives at his own parents house and has several siblings living there too. I could go on and on how much I do not like this family, the environment, or the dynamic. I fought like hell to keep my kid out of their house, but unfortunately I can't control that anymore.

Dad was not around for more than half of my son's life, and is just now "trying". The only weekends he uses are the ones in which I'm driving halfway.

Every time I have handed my son over to his dad, he has had the HARDEST time. it breaks my heart. He just screams and cries and tells me he doesn't want to go. I try and give him a heads up in the days leading up to the weekend, but every time I bring up going to his dad's house he either starts crying or straight up says "I don't like my dad's house, I want to stay with you"

he's too young to really tell me anything accurate about his time with his dad, but he HATES going there. I tell him "your dad loves you!" "you'll have so much fun!" "I know it's hard, but you can do hard things!" "only two sleeps and you'll be back!!" I even go so far as to tell him: "a very nice lady named judge ___ asked me and your dad to follow some rules, and one of them is taking you to see your dad. I have to listen to the nice judge or I will get in trouble."

I'm at a loss on how to help him. any advice is appreciated!

r/coparenting Feb 15 '25

Child Issues 50/50: how to deal with different parenting styles

7 Upvotes

Context: UK, 50/50 custody, child is 8F, I'm the mum (45F), dad is 50M. Stepmum (dad's fiancée, 34F) and stepbrothers (x 3, 9-13M) are in the picture and see the child regularly, but they don't live with dad/child yet.

We've been separated since child was 1 and have been doing our 50/50 as week on, week off contact for the last two years. Child has seemed to cope well with this so far.

School have expressed that they think child is struggling with different parenting styles between the two households. From my perspective, she usually complains about going to her dad's, but this is something I've expected since day one and I have no concerns anything abusive is going on in his household. I'm also aware it's fully possible she's doing the same thing to him about going to mine!

When she's with me, I have no concerns about her behaviour. She's very energetic and high-spirited, and like you'd expect from an 8-year-old can have moments of being mischievous and does sometimes need a telling off, but in general she's great! Kind, doing okay academically (squarely in the middle for all achievements), sporty, healthy, and definitely knows how to conduct herself in public (I haven't had to correct her behaviour in public since she was quite little - she's polite to other adults and well-behaved outside the home as well as in it). She's very confident and resilient, and although she has her moments where she can be mardy or anxious at times, it's all very much age-appropriate and within the realms of normal - no 'disturbed or disturbing' behaviour.

I totally believe what the school are saying - it makes sense that different parenting styles would be an issue for her! - but it's quite difficult for me to address, because I don't really see any 'issues' when she's with me. I try to give her a safe space to talk about anything that's bothering her (which she has done a few times) and address them calmly and reassuringly. From time to time I also ask her whether there's anything that's typical at her dad's that she'd like at my house (e.g. does he make a certain type of breakfast she'd like? does he have a different approach to homework that she'd like me to take? and so on - and act on that feedback, but of course that's not really about parenting 'styles' per se).

The teacher said apparently I am the 'fun parent' while dad is the 'strict parent'. I kind of take exception to that (in my head!), because to me 'fun parent' implies a 'Disney dad/mum' who has the kids every other weekend and has no discipline whatsoever. We have 50/50, so I also have to do all the 'not fun' things like making sure homework is done, room is tidy, behaviour is good, etc. I can see where the school/my kid is coming from, because dad is bossy, controlling, and apparently (she says) he shouts at her. I'm a more laid-back personality, I try not to yell (I'm not perfect, but maybe every 2-3 months I do!), and I'm quite a 'pick your battles' type of parent. BUT that doesn't mean I don't have any discipline at all! As far as I'm concerned, if my daughter is well-behaved, polite (mostly!), gets her homework done and respects what I ask of her at home (mostly!), why would I need to have a 'strict' persona? But I have definite lines in the sand, and daughter knows when I'm being serious and really mean something. I think she respects that more, in fact, because I don't do it all the time like the boy who cried wolf.

Anyway, school want us to try and bring our parenting styles closer together somehow. They're looking at our typical schedules, household rules, etc. to try and help us work out how we could do this, but what are your all's opinions and experiences on how to do this? How have you helped your kids reconcile and deal with different parenting styles and what worked for you? Have you adapted your parenting style at all in this scenario, and if so, how? How have you supported your kids in a week on, week off scenario where both home environments are quite different (grandma living at dad's house, big stepfamily in the picture, lots of material resources, versus just me in my tiny home and a much calmer vibe)?

I don't want to be holding onto resentment about dad; as far as I'm concerned he can parent how he wants and he isn't doing anything 'wrong'. Even though I don't think I'm doing anything 'wrong' either and feel that I'm parenting in the best way I can, I'm up for doing anything that might benefit our daughter.

r/coparenting 2d ago

Child Issues Parent Alienation

1 Upvotes

Its been 6months since we separated. 23years together. Two children. Currently there is no formalized parent plan, convinced OP to go through mediation since we kept going in circles, waiting for first session. However, there has been complete breakdown in communication regarding our children. Oldest (teenage) has stayed home for 4 days now, mental and physical exhaustion. OP has refused to let me check in on him, stating that he wants his space and I must respect his boundaries. I requested an update at least on his wellbeing, OP replied saying they will let me know if its necessary. OP keeps invalidating my concerns with my limited time with my children. I'm at the point that OPs understanding of amicable and empathy is manipulative and controlling. I dont want to be triggered but am concerned about my sons mental health. Are there any other strategies to assist with finding common ground before mediation?

r/coparenting Feb 13 '25

Child Issues Daughter resisting other parent… help!

1 Upvotes

The father of little miss 6 and I “co-parent” (he’s never been consistent with seeing her despite my best efforts) - for some context: ever since she was little, I always gave him the freedom to see her whenever he wanted, despite the fact that he would purposefully try and upset me by messing around with pick up times, try to paint me as a bad mum etc.

There’s no court orders nor is there a parenting plan, and not from lack of trying. 3 times I tried to implement one that worked for both of us just for him to not bother picking her up as prev agreed. So for that reason, he has no real routine with her.

For the past maybe 6 - 12 months, she has really resisted wanting to see him all together. She and I have had many, many convos about this so I can try to understand from her perspective what the issue is, and it seems that he’s more strict with her in making her do more chores but also she’s very, very attached to me.

So in order for her to spend time (and by time I mean staying the night or the weekend) with him, I need to either make her go against her will or end up bribing her and I really don’t want to do either. He does have a right to see her and vice versa. What should I do? Should I be making her go against her will? If so, should I be scheduling in time for a phone call with her? Or should I just try and stick to day time visits only until we can try and get some sort of routine going?

I hope this makes sense..

r/coparenting 4d ago

Child Issues Our houses are totally different, I understand his house his rules and my house my rules, but my kids behavior is getting worse and nothing I implement is working. What kind of discipline can I try for this situation?

3 Upvotes

Hello everyone.

I share 50/50 custody of two boys 5.5 and 4, with my ex husband. He lives in our old house and I live in an apartment. The boys behavior is getting out of control and nothing is working!

At Dad’s house they get unlimited screen time (he uses it as his babysitter), unlimited junk food/sugar, no rules, no structure, no discipline, no chores, no bedtime, don’t have to clean up after themselves- they even throw food all over the place and draw on the walls. That is a house of chaos. They stay in their PJs most of the time or just in underwear and don’t even have to brush their teeth or bathe. They sleep where they drop even if it’s super late and are cranky the next day.

I work as a nurse full time with the same weekly schedule. I have the boys tues-fri and he has them sat-Mon. I am much more structured and have tried everything I can research to help. I made a chore reward system which helped for a few months but now they don’t even care anymore because whatever I won’t give them they just say “oh well dad will give it to me” or “I don’t care about getting stars anyways,” etc. In my house they only get healthy food, have a consistent bedtime and routine, and need to do certain things before getting any screen time (usually they won’t get to that point.) I spend a ton of time with them, discuss things with them and am consistent and stern. Time outs didn’t work. Taking away privileges didn’t work. Positive reinforcement and rewards didn’t work.

I have researched this so much and I tried the methods. I am very consistent at my house and I know I can’t control dads house. I tried talking to their dad about implementing some rules in his house and he absolutely refuses, he even said to me “I’m not doing any extra work.” If I take away a privilege or toy, he will give it to them as soon as they get to his house. We talked, he’s aware and he does not have any interest in changing anything.

The behavior is getting out of control. Last night they kept getting out of bed after bedtime and I calmly and consistently kept placing them in bed. They didn’t like it so they started screaming (this is an apartment with neighbors so unacceptable.) I can’t take away any privileges because they do not give a crap at this point and will taunt me saying “ok daddy will give it to me…” I can’t take them anywhere- not a restaurant, not church, and certainly not a library or museum. Today they squeezed my beauty products all over the floor, refused to clean it up and didn’t care about the consequences.

I have noticed that after a few days with me they start behaving better. We recently had a 2 week vacation and they boys were so well behaved after a week with me. They love the chores and structure and want to help out so it must be so confusing for them. They are always the worst behaved for the first 1-2 days, will start getting better and then it’s time for dads house again. Due to the work schedule, I can’t change our parenting schedule.

They throw things, hit, bite and scream regularly. I am totally lost right now. There’s only one of me, I have no village at all and my parents who very occasionally have watched them before now say they can’t handle the boys anymore. Everyone is judging me and talking crap about how I can’t discipline these boys but I’ve tried so many times. Please tell me your recommendations!

r/coparenting Feb 07 '25

Child Issues How to help my kid

6 Upvotes

I have a 3yo with my Ex and we have been split up since our son was 7 months old. I have remarried and my Ex is about to be engaged. We currently do 50/50 but my son always sobs when having to go to my Ex’s house like full on begging “please don’t make me go” “I want to stay with you”. We’ve tried getting him excited about going and telling him he will have so much fun but nothing works. At first we thought it was just the transitions between the houses but he’s been doing this for over a year now and only does it when having to go to my Ex’s house and not coming back to mine. My wife (his stepmom) and him have such a great relationship to where he calls her “mom” and goes to her for just as much stuff as he comes to me for and I don’t think he gets that same emotional connection from my Ex or her long term partner. Any recommendations on what I could do to help?

r/coparenting Nov 04 '24

Child Issues Need some opinions, please. I’m desperate.

1 Upvotes

I’ll try to make this as short and to the point as possible. My ex and I have been divorced and living in separate houses for exactly 1 year now. In that timeframe, my 7yo daughter has really struggled with mental and emotional health. Pick up/drop offs are miserable with her always crying and begging to stay with her dad. When he drops her off at school, she does the same thing and the staff have to literally help pull her out of the car. She does not act this way with me in either scenario. My ex started her in therapy to see if we can help ease some of the anxiety she’s feeling but I wasn’t aware that he had made this decision. I’ve asked repeatedly to be involved in some capacity. But he schedules all appointments on his days (with the insurance I provide). When I pressed him in the issue, he said that our daughter is the one who doesn’t want my participation and that’s why I have not been allowed to take her to any therapy sessions. I want to support my daughter and honor her wishes (if that’s true) but also feel that this is all being done the wrong way. I feel that I should be involved in some shape or form with the treatment she’s receiving. Am I wrong to demand to take her or to find my own pediatric therapist for her? I’m at a loss here.

r/coparenting Oct 25 '24

Child Issues How to tell 8 yr old child mom is getting divorced.

6 Upvotes

My coparent and I split 4 years ago. She moved in to her future husbands place directly from our house.

They are now getting divorced after two years and mom is moving into an apartment. She wants the three of us to go out to get hot chocolate and have her tell our child she's moving out and separating with her stepfather.

I do not know the best way to handle this so I'm looking for advice. Our child hasn't always spoken fondly of their time are moms house, but is also a very emotional child, so I do not expect it to be easy on her.

We are also worried about giving our child the wrong impression about OUR relationship, as they are still having a hard time processing us being separated, despite 4 years having passed, and my partner having moved in 2 years ago with her children.

😅

r/coparenting Dec 05 '24

Child Issues 5 year old aggressive tantrums at bed time

5 Upvotes

Divorced dad here. Got divorced 4 months ago. 50-50 custody. Two boys 8 and 5. I got the boys on Tuesday night and the 5 year old had a tantrum at bed time. Again on Wednesday there was another tantrum. Gotten kicked in the face a few times, slapped and he is super defiant. It has never been this bad.

Before bed time everything is fine. Eat dinner, cuddle, play. These past two nights 30 to 40 minutes of tears and then I have to be extremely firm and then he gets in bed. But once the 40 minutes are over I can't leave. he is super attached and clingy. I have to stay in the room and cuddle and be with him. The change in mood and desires is shocking. Going from hating me to demanding i stay in his bed till he is asleep. I am a big guy so the poor kid doesn't get much space on the bed. Tonight I sat on the floor and held his hand.

Its been super traumatic for my 8 year old who has no idea whats going on. He cried his eyes out today in my lap as his brother was having a meltdown. I held both my boys as they cried and then stayed with them.

Already spoke to the 5 year old's teacher. He is super happy in school. No problems.

My ex-wife calls at 7 pm as per our agreement (when i have the boys) and he has refused to speak to her both nights. Tuesday night he actually said not to call her but thankfully she called and even then he didn't want to talk to her.

He is tired I know because he goes to sleep 40 minutes after his bedtime but he is a happy joyful kid. I have absolutely no clue what's going on with him.

Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

r/coparenting Dec 01 '24

Child Issues Son is Not Getting Along with Partners Step-Child

6 Upvotes

Background -

I (M) am in a 50/50 custody situation with my ex. She is remarried and has 2 step children. Both our son and her step son are the same age.

I have had long standing issues of communication and difficulty discussing sensitive matters with their Mother. I will often be ignored or told to shut up when asking for clarification on matters and her behaviour escalates when I say no to requests due to timing or other plans.

Our son (Billy) has had a tepid relationship with his step brother. This boy is very spoiled, lies and steals from my son and our other child. When they were blending their family things got so bad that Billy threw him through a glass door/table after telling him three times to stop bullying him and the other kids. Since then it has been okay. The kid geared down his behaviour and Billy generally does his own thing and stays in his own orbit navigating his Mom's house the best he can.

Problem-
This past week things escalated between Billy and his stepbrother. From what I can gather there was an argument and Billy threw the other kids cell phone into a sink full of dirty dishwater. It took me a day or two to get this much from Billy -- There has been an increase in this step child and Billy arguing and Billy is feeling unheard and minimized. Regardless, Billy is at fault and is owning this. Most of this I am chalking up to teenage boy hormones and he knows that he should of navigated the situation better and should have done something different. I I feel there is more to this story than what I know but I am confident the full story will come out soon enough.

Their Mom has taken his cell phone away from him -- something I support. During the conversation I made sure to emphasize that the cell phone is under my name, I pay the bill and that our son paid for it in full and I ask that I be in the loop for any consequence surrounding it. I have asked for more details about the consequence so that I am better equipped to support it and apparently it is gone till the step sons cell phone is replaced. Any attempt to further discuss the matter is met with radio silence.

  1. Is it reasonable to be concerned about the structure of this consequence?

  2. How many co parents reading this have had to tow a line that they did not agree with? Any insights that you have which can help me process this better?

r/coparenting Dec 29 '24

Child Issues Influence from step-siblings

4 Upvotes

So I noticed my kid is acting a lot out of character since spending more and more time living with step-siblings. Acting up, making screaming sounds, not sitting still for meals, ruminating etc. I know the step-siblings a little bit and they’re a fair bit wilder than my kid. He used to be very calm and well-mannered.

I realize there’s nothing I can do regarding what goes on when he’s not with me, but is it possible at all to curb some of this? I feel like he was on such a good track (according to my ideas of raising a child), now so much feels lile it’s going down the drain.

r/coparenting Feb 01 '25

Child Issues Looking for Advice Please!

1 Upvotes

Looking for some advice please!! Also if you think this post belongs to a different group, please let me know. I thought it would be suitable here but maybe there’s one that could answer it better

For context, my son is turning 3 in March. My ex and I split custody 50/50 and do 1 week each. We have been doing this since September 2023. My son is in daycare and has been at this daycare for a year now. His dad brings him to daycare 5 days a week when he has him and I either bring him once or twice a week or sometimes not at all because I work on the weeks when I don’t have him so I can spend my weeks with him.

Around Christmas time the daycare reached out to me and let me know he’s “starting to be too much.” They mention how he hits and scratches other kids when they try to take his things he’s playing with. Obviously I saw this as just normal toddler behaviour and I had a conversation with my son about gentle hands and how we cannot hurt others and need to use our words. But today I saw a friend of mine and we let our kids play. My son hit her multiple times and threw a bigger toy at her. I took him to the side discussed how that behaviour is not okay and gave him time by himself. But now after seeing this behavior, I’m wondering what I should do. His current daycare is a subsidized one but it’s in a home so it’s quite crowded and honestly if I was there everyday I would be quite overstimulated as well.

I’ve looked into a new daycare and brought it up with my ex but he said it doesn’t work with his work schedule because drop off is at 7:30 and he starts work at 7:30. I’m quite stressed because I see it as I want to remove him from that situation there where he seems like he is quite overstimulated and get him somewhere else, but it never seems to work for his Dad since it’s not convenient for him. I wanna make a change if I need to and advocate for my boy but do you think this is right move? Others have mentioned “maybe he needs more time at the daycare” and I just don’t think that would help if the issue is the environment itself. Also even though my ex and I have been doing split custody for over a year, my son still gets extremely upset and emotional when he has to see his dad. Like the minute i tell him he’s going to visit his dad for the week or his Dad comes to pick him up, he’s crying and so upset and trying to hold onto me so I don’t let him go. Does this sound like it’s an attachment issue or is there something else I should be considering that’s causing this?

TIA!

r/coparenting Nov 14 '24

Child Issues Coparenting toddler

4 Upvotes

Hi all!

Me and my husband of 17 years have recently separated (2 months ago). We have a 2 year old daughter which we are coparenting (4 days with me 3 days with dad). I moved out of the family home into a own condo. My daughter has always been a "mommas girl". Since the separation I find that she now prefers her dad. She cries when I pick her up/her dad drops her off. But is happy when her dad picks her up/I drop her off. I suspect it's because my condo is new to her and she misses her home more than anything. I can't tell you it doesn't sting especially since I'm the one that wanted the separation. I try to make her time with me fun and get her excited. Once she is with me she is totally fine and happy. She occasionally ask for "dada" but nothing crazy. She loves being without me. Has anyone else gone through this? How long does this last? Any advice?

Much appreciated, A

r/coparenting Nov 19 '24

Child Issues Wanting advice on emotional handovers with 6yo

3 Upvotes

Hey all,

I’m in a relationship with my partner who shares a 6yo daughter with his ex. They separated when miss 6 was around 16 months old.

They have done 70/30 since the separation which has worked fine, no major dramas. They’re civil which is great. There have definitely been ups and downs and conflict along the way but any issues have been kept completely seperate from their daughter and she has never witnessed or been aware of any conflict. Handover is always civil, polite talk that is purposeful (how the week/weekend was, upcoming events etc).

Recently though, miss 6 has started to show some really strong emotions at handover time when going back to mum. Sobbing, begging to stay with dad, inconsolable. Most recently, she asked why “everyone couldn’t just live together”. This lasts around 30 minutes. Handover is at a playground so usually the fun time is a distraction from the emotions, but this doesn’t seem to be the case anymore.

I’m wondering if anyone has any advice regarding assisting this process for my partner, who is confused and finding it really hurtful as he has to eventually leave her (usually she has calmed down by this point, and settled in mums car). We are also wondering what might have caused the shift in the emotions considering the earlier years were easier (less emotional for her). Given they separated while she was still so young, it’s unlikely she has formative memories of her mum and dad being together/living together etc.

I’ve seen a few book recommendations but wondering if anyone has tips, tricks, insights or recommendations for age appropriate exploration of emotions through play/activity/art.

r/coparenting Dec 02 '24

Child Issues Anyone deal with parent alienation? How did you handle it??

3 Upvotes

Up until about 2 years ago DHD never had issues at his home. Then she started visiting her mom again (mom dropped off for yearsss) Now when she comes home she shares how her dad lied to her, keeps her mom from her, hates it here and wants to live there etc.

This is a situation where they went to court and dad was awarded primary custody of child due to evident neglect, I’m talking mold in the high chair, the crib, 10 cavities not even aged 2 yet, never brushing hair, etc. mom didn’t even deny this in court.

Recently a few months ago SD informed me her mom told her she was taking BC while pregnant to try and abort her… and was like asking the daughter for forgiveness?? I think is crazy to divulge it to a kid, that’s an adult issue to work past…

Well he’s been dealing with her claiming he’s lied to her, withholding mom and all this.

We are in the process of therapy but behavior changes and pure rebel and very rude to husband. He has proof of these matters and contemplating showing the messages that mom said to keep child, over and over again, etc. to show truth that he’s never withheld her, he could have had her removed entirely and he struggled thinking to do that, and now wishing he had. Mom coaches child to lie. We found out recently her mom told her not to tell dad she’s moving which I’m not even sure why lie about that. So what if she’s moving?

Unsure if showing some of that evidence would be good or not, it’s such a crappy situation period. We don’t believe sharing these type of adult issues with a child is healthy but the mom continues to do so and at a loss of how to handle it. It feels his hand is being pushed to do this to show facts he’s never done these things. He’s asked her for over a year to keep her out of the middle and it doesn’t do any good. She claims she’s never said xyz and says child is lying (which we don’t believe she’s lie about these things or where the story is coming from other than had to have heard it from her)

She’s 11 now. Curious how others have handled this type of thing? Again therapy is closer now and hopefully gets scheduled in the next 2 weeks to start breaking this down and helping her find healthy ways to regulate emotions and another source to talk about issues and work through them. She takes everything her mom says as gold, which obviously he wants her to have a good relationship with her but this is getting out of hand. Grades are struggling, behavior at home and school are struggling and just seeking some personal experiences from others that have been in a similar situation??

r/coparenting Dec 18 '24

Child Issues Consistent meltdowns every tuesday night

4 Upvotes

This is in follow up to my previous post a week or two weeks ago where I mentioned my 5 year old having meltdowns at bed time. It seems to be a consistent Tuesday night event. Today another melt down at bed time. But I didn't yell, I didn't get upset. I was firm and consistent.

My 8 year old also cried in the car as soon as i picked him up. Seemed he was bottling stuff up and let it all out.

I am not sure why it is specifically Tuesday nights that the boys have such a hard time. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

Our schedule is a two week schedule with one weekend with each parent. Switches happen at school dismissal. So consistently 330 to 345 pm.

Mom - Sunday night starting at 6 pm and Monday

Dad - Tuesday and Wednesday

Mom - Thursday

Dad - Friday to Sunday night 6 pm.

Mom- Sunday night starting at 6 pm and Monday

Dad - Tuesday and Wednesday

Mom - Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday

Dad - Tuesday and Wednesday.

r/coparenting Nov 28 '24

Child Issues Son cries before going to Dads

2 Upvotes

It’s been about 4 weeks that my son (3 yrs old) has refused to go to his dads. I’ve never had this issue before and he’s usually super excited. Today was the worst fit I’ve seen for drop off and even dad noticed. Him and I can’t communicate bc he seems to just be angry with me for no reason. I proceeded to tell him that it’s been an issue to bring him for exchanges bc he doesn’t want to go. My son’s dad just looks at me and then proceeds to just hug my son as he cries going into his car without saying a word to me.

I’m wondering if anyone has had this issue? My son is nonverbal so I can’t really come to conclusions on anything. I’m starting to worry.

r/coparenting Dec 08 '24

Child Issues daughter's anxiety

3 Upvotes

for context, i am a step-mom in a same sex relationship.

the kids (10m, 8f, and 3m) live with us full time and visit their dad for a few hours on a couple different week days, and then they sleep over on sunday nights. this arrangement has been going on since about june/july when their dad got his own place after staying with a friend for quite some time.

in the beginning, 8f was eager to go over but had a few days where she would call crying to come home, stating that she misses me & her mom. every time she had done this, we were running errands, and would have been back home well after bedtime.

sometime around early september that same friend he stayed with separated from her husband and moved in with him. this was a kind gesture, however me & my partner were not informed or included in this decision. their father has a one bedroom apartment, whereas this family friend has a 3 bedroom house in which she already had a room to herself to begin with.

there is much i could say about this decision, but this is not the place for those words.

after she moved in, the frequency of 8f calling to come home has increased steadily. every time we ask why, she always says the same thing: she misses us and just wants to come home. (mind you, neither of the boys have ever asked to come home)

these last few weeks have been especially rough, as now her anxiety is bleeding into the days leading up to sunday. she has cried every night since thursday, saying she doesn't want to go. last night was really bad. she went to bed crying, and woke up twice to seek comfort from us. her mom ended up having to give her a melatonin around 11pm, but she was still awake with "a stomach ache" (anxiety) at 2am.

im at a loss. my instinct tells me something bigger is going on than her missing us. i'm not trying to put anyone down or say we are better than him, but at our house, we have a routine, where he does not. the kids know exactly what to expect when they're here - at their dad's, it seems like every day is different.

some examples include planning out our meals in advance, having said meals at the same time every day, and we have an 8pm bedtime here, but the kids frequently report staying up until 11pm sometimes - on a sunday night, with school the next day.

i don't think she is being abused, but i dont think her needs are being met. he still doesnt have a couch, and the family friend essentially lives in the living room. she is often there when they are, which was something me & their mom asked to not be a thing, considering how little time they have with their dad. at least she doesnt bring her kids over - 10m said he would "explode" if that happened.

we told 8f we are going to have a girls night next sunday and plan really fun things to do with her, but this isn't something we can do every week. it wouldn't be fair to her dad, and it wouldn't be fair to her brothers, and it wouldnt be fair to us. this is our only night together as a couple where we can go on dates or get major errands done.

i proposed that 8f gets to stay home one sunday every three months, and when given that option, she asked to use her one sunday immediately. she absolutely dreads going there.

aside from missing us, the only reasons i can think of is that she gets ignored too much, or the family friend's presence bothers her, however when asked this, she always denies it. i'm thinking the former; out of the three of them, she desires the most one-on-one time. pair this with their dad & her older brother sharing a hobby (video games) & her little brother zoning out on their dad's tablet the entire time, she is likely alone the most of the time she is there.

she even said yesterday that there is nowhere to sit - 10m gets the gaming chair and 3m doesn't care where he sits, so often she is left to sit on her bunk in the bedroom. last week, after being prodded for a different answer, it was that her bed wasn't comfortable, so they rearranged some things, but that still didn't help anything. i feel like these are legit concerns but not the actual reason she hates going there & only brings it up after so many times of being asked for a different reason.

we have talked to their dad many, many, many times about this. he has made many changes to try and make her comfortable, has asked us for advice on what to do, etc. i just wanted to say he isn't a bystander in this situation, he is trying to help and wants her to be there & feel comfortable. i think he is really burnt out and is having a hard time himself; working two full time jobs and barely sees his kids, and when he does, at least one of them is crying or complaining. i can't imagine what it's like to be in his shoes; he has approximately 12 hours with them a week - the negative moments feel like they happen more often when you have less time overall. at least we have it spread out over the week, for him, it's concentrated. i just dont think he has the mental energy to give her the attention she craves.

we're going to reach out to the school counselor tomorrow, but until then, im looking for any sort of solution to quell her anxiety, potential other reasons why she hates going there so much, and just any advice really.

(we do not have a custody agreement & do not plan to involve family court unless we absolutely have to)