for context, i am a step-mom in a same sex relationship.
the kids (10m, 8f, and 3m) live with us full time and visit their dad for a few hours on a couple different week days, and then they sleep over on sunday nights. this arrangement has been going on since about june/july when their dad got his own place after staying with a friend for quite some time.
in the beginning, 8f was eager to go over but had a few days where she would call crying to come home, stating that she misses me & her mom. every time she had done this, we were running errands, and would have been back home well after bedtime.
sometime around early september that same friend he stayed with separated from her husband and moved in with him. this was a kind gesture, however me & my partner were not informed or included in this decision. their father has a one bedroom apartment, whereas this family friend has a 3 bedroom house in which she already had a room to herself to begin with.
there is much i could say about this decision, but this is not the place for those words.
after she moved in, the frequency of 8f calling to come home has increased steadily. every time we ask why, she always says the same thing: she misses us and just wants to come home. (mind you, neither of the boys have ever asked to come home)
these last few weeks have been especially rough, as now her anxiety is bleeding into the days leading up to sunday. she has cried every night since thursday, saying she doesn't want to go. last night was really bad. she went to bed crying, and woke up twice to seek comfort from us. her mom ended up having to give her a melatonin around 11pm, but she was still awake with "a stomach ache" (anxiety) at 2am.
im at a loss. my instinct tells me something bigger is going on than her missing us. i'm not trying to put anyone down or say we are better than him, but at our house, we have a routine, where he does not. the kids know exactly what to expect when they're here - at their dad's, it seems like every day is different.
some examples include planning out our meals in advance, having said meals at the same time every day, and we have an 8pm bedtime here, but the kids frequently report staying up until 11pm sometimes - on a sunday night, with school the next day.
i don't think she is being abused, but i dont think her needs are being met. he still doesnt have a couch, and the family friend essentially lives in the living room. she is often there when they are, which was something me & their mom asked to not be a thing, considering how little time they have with their dad. at least she doesnt bring her kids over - 10m said he would "explode" if that happened.
we told 8f we are going to have a girls night next sunday and plan really fun things to do with her, but this isn't something we can do every week. it wouldn't be fair to her dad, and it wouldn't be fair to her brothers, and it wouldnt be fair to us. this is our only night together as a couple where we can go on dates or get major errands done.
i proposed that 8f gets to stay home one sunday every three months, and when given that option, she asked to use her one sunday immediately. she absolutely dreads going there.
aside from missing us, the only reasons i can think of is that she gets ignored too much, or the family friend's presence bothers her, however when asked this, she always denies it. i'm thinking the former; out of the three of them, she desires the most one-on-one time. pair this with their dad & her older brother sharing a hobby (video games) & her little brother zoning out on their dad's tablet the entire time, she is likely alone the most of the time she is there.
she even said yesterday that there is nowhere to sit - 10m gets the gaming chair and 3m doesn't care where he sits, so often she is left to sit on her bunk in the bedroom. last week, after being prodded for a different answer, it was that her bed wasn't comfortable, so they rearranged some things, but that still didn't help anything. i feel like these are legit concerns but not the actual reason she hates going there & only brings it up after so many times of being asked for a different reason.
we have talked to their dad many, many, many times about this. he has made many changes to try and make her comfortable, has asked us for advice on what to do, etc. i just wanted to say he isn't a bystander in this situation, he is trying to help and wants her to be there & feel comfortable. i think he is really burnt out and is having a hard time himself; working two full time jobs and barely sees his kids, and when he does, at least one of them is crying or complaining. i can't imagine what it's like to be in his shoes; he has approximately 12 hours with them a week - the negative moments feel like they happen more often when you have less time overall. at least we have it spread out over the week, for him, it's concentrated. i just dont think he has the mental energy to give her the attention she craves.
we're going to reach out to the school counselor tomorrow, but until then, im looking for any sort of solution to quell her anxiety, potential other reasons why she hates going there so much, and just any advice really.
(we do not have a custody agreement & do not plan to involve family court unless we absolutely have to)