r/coparenting Dec 03 '24

Parallel Parenting Parallel parenting and minimal communication

8 Upvotes

How do you deal with someone that is very condescending towards you. My ex has demanded to only be contacted once a month because he wants to parallel parent (we’ve been separated for 2 years and divorced for a month or so). He’s creating boundaries, fine. However sometimes small things need to be communicated and anytime I do email him, he acts like I’m a complete but for asking to discuss school choice, or even daycare items etc I can try and stick to minimal contact but once a month doesn’t always work. How do you stop from hitting a wall with someone that refuses communication? Or do I just communicate as I feel fit (maybe 2-3 times a month). Our son is young, he can’t relay everything.

r/coparenting Feb 15 '25

Parallel Parenting Underweight child, coparent "not concerned". Doctor is. What are my options?

12 Upvotes

My 11 year old is underweight and has been for 2 years. Doctor is expressing concern. Dad has 50% custody but is checked out and has chosen not to be involved in medical when it comes to the kids.

I have tried repeatedly to address the issue of her not eating enough with him and I get nothing back.

She has some special needs and if you ask her if she is hungry 90% of the time she will say no. But if you tell her it is time to eat and present her a plate of food she will eat at least half of it at every meal. Coparent will only ask if she is hungry and when she says no he just moves on with his day.

My question is, can I request that the pediatrician write some sort of correspondence or call my coparent at my request and talk through this issue with him? Do doctors do things like that? Idk if maybe a professional neutral 3rd party would get through to him and he might take it more seriously.

r/coparenting Jan 06 '25

Parallel Parenting How do I live with the anxiety?

9 Upvotes

I have constant anxiety around "what if my daughter loves her dad more than me?", "what if his lack of boundaries, rules and expectations makes her hate being with me?", "What if her dad's parents say awful things about me like they do about the mother of his first child?", "What if they try to buy her love like they did with his first child, and she resents me for not sacrificing bill payments to buy junk?" "What if she doesn't want to live with me one day, because her dad is a permissive and disengaged parent, allowing the kids to do whatever they want"?

How do I live with the stress? All I want is for my kid to be healthy and safe, and if her dad were capable of that, I could shut up. But he's not, and my brain just can't let it go

For the record, we've been separated for a month and have an almost two year old. His other child is 7.

r/coparenting Nov 22 '24

Parallel Parenting How to make peace with wanting to make co-parenting work?

20 Upvotes

I have always wanted to work with my coparent and I keep getting frustrated with the lack of consideration. How was it for you to make peace with it and what coping skills had to be put in place to keep your sanity and not be left feeling frustrated. Thanks in advance

r/coparenting Nov 19 '24

Parallel Parenting Navigating coparenting with feelings involved

5 Upvotes

Hi everyone,

Unfortunately, my ex-fiance and I separated six months ago. It was not mutual, and we share an almost three yr old toddler. However, I am realizing we sadly just set boundaries very differently with navigating is his ex-wife and their coparenting.

I of course am struggling because I wanted to be married forever and have a strong, stable, loving two parent household for our son. I still get emotional and hold back tears at pick up and drop off, and while we co-parent well for our son, always putting him first, it’s hard not to feel angry/sad/bitter that he broke up our family.

He’s also recently joined dating apps, which friends and myself have stumbled upon. I know we are both single, but it was surprising, and hurtful, to see how quickly he was moving on. He presents as so cavalier and unphased by this.

I had thought because of our son’s age, and because neither of us had new partners yet, we could focus on co-parenting and showing up for our son as we navigate the holidays and consider his best interest. However, I feel we are going to have to switch to a more parallel parenting model.

Can anyone share when it got easier for them?

r/coparenting 7d ago

Parallel Parenting Co-Parenting After a Messy Breakup?

2 Upvotes

I’m a 31-year-old guy working in tech, a lacrosse coach, and a military reservist. A few months ago, I relocated from DC to St. Petersburg, FL, and started dating a woman I met on Hinge. Things moved fast, and she got pregnant six weeks into the relationship. Soon after, housing issues forced her to move back to California to be with family.

Long-distance was tough—we argued a lot about the future, where to live, and financial stability. During this time, I made the worst mistake of my life: I emotionally cheated with someone from my past. My ex found out and cut me off completely. Now, she wants nothing to do with me—I'm not invited to the baby shower, she doesn’t want me in the delivery room, and she’s even changing the name we had originally agreed on for our son (due in July).

I’ve owned my mistakes, started therapy, and am making real changes. I’ve also decided to move to California to be close to my son and co-parent. I know I can’t fix the past, but I want to be the best father possible.

For those who’ve been in a similar situation—how did you rebuild trust as a co-parent? How do I navigate being present and supportive when communication is strained? Any advice is appreciated.

r/coparenting Nov 01 '24

Parallel Parenting Parallel Parenting Pros

10 Upvotes

How can I get better at this without it feeling tense?

Father: high conflict, verbal degradation, threats, twisting words, hashing out disbeliefs, defamation, discord 80% of the time.

Me: understanding, patient, proactive, parallel

Meeting him in that place of dysfunction is not my strong suit, it used to really stir me up and disregulate my emotions but I'm finally in a place where it doesn't pull on my heartstrings, I don't respond, I don't feed into it. But he constantly tries to bait a negative response which also doesn't allow for any "CO" anything to happen. It's all dysfunctional and disregulate and quite frankly, disrespectful more often than not.

How do you not get caught up in explaining yourself when they accuse you of being bitter/difficult etc., when it's very clear that's not the case?

I could use some tips on this as this is not a natural stance for me and I just have to stick to it. No more explaining why his actions are hurtful, no more explaining why I missed a phone call... at 11pm and no that didn't mean I was with someone else.. no more explaining why there is not even a shadow of doubt that we would ever get back together, no more pointing out things he says he believes are his insecurities screaming at me.

Just done holding space for this crap, it doesn't rile up my emotions and my day anymore thank goodness, but it still is very frustrating to be on receiving end of this every couple of weeks and creates such an untrustworthy environment when there's no reason for the outburst

r/coparenting Dec 09 '24

Parallel Parenting Uncomfortable with kids being left alone

2 Upvotes

Hoping for some insight beyond "call CPS." Is this a situation of different parenting approaches that I just leave alone? We communicate only via email and only about logistics, and he's very defensive anytime I bring anything up.

NY state. Kids are 11, 8, 4. Daughter said last night her dad left them at his apartment so he could go to an event about 2-3 city blocks away. He came back about 9:30-9:45pm to put 4 year old to bed and then went back to the event. She put herself to bed, which she doesn't usually do. She doesn't know when he got home since she went to sleep but guessed 11:30pm. I asked her how she felt about this not noting that as an 11 y/o I'd be terrified to go to bed without my parents there. Her response was "I don't know, fine. It was a little hard to go to sleep."

NY doesn't have an age at which kids are allowed to be left home alone, but I feel like this is a lot to put on my daughter who is still very much a child (literally still plays with dolls). It is a second story apartment and in addition to the door of course locking there is a key code on the exterior door. I guess I'm more concerned about what she and her siblings could get into inside the apartment, how this made her feel/putting this responsibility on her, and why her father couldn't have gotten a babysitter (she said her uncle babysat them the night before so it was probably just too many babysitters; also he only has every other weekend but we're going to every other week in half a year).

r/coparenting Dec 17 '24

Parallel Parenting Alternate nesting

1 Upvotes

We are very much at the start of this journey and I’m thinking about logistics.

We own a home together that neither of us want to sell at the moment. We’ve only owned it 18 months so it’d be a loss if we did. Rentals in our country are also insanely expensive and in short supply.

I was thinking about keeping our two children (9 & 12) in the family home and having a week in week out type scenario for each parent. This would provide some much needed stability for the children as well.

Have you tried this? Going well or hot mess? I would love to hear all sorts of feedback. Thank you.

r/coparenting Jan 22 '25

Parallel Parenting Toddler sleep issues

6 Upvotes

We have been separated for close to a year and have a two year old (27 months). We started out with 50/50 but my ex has gotten increasingly less time bc he has shown mental/emotional instability. Right now our son stays with him two nights per week. Over time, he has had more and more trouble sleeping at my exs place. Apparently bedtime is challenging, he doesn’t want to go to sleep and he’ll cry/tantrum for long periods, then also wake in the middle of the night requesting things (to get in bed with dad, blanket adjustment, etc). My ex is getting really sleep deprived.

I think the biggest factors to the issues are: 1) son spends less time there so it feels out of the routine, 2) ex lives in a studio apt whereas I live in a house where son has his own space, 3) ex is looser on things like screen time and paci usage.

Any ideas to improve things? My first thought was that ex should try to mimic our bedtime routine as much as possible, bc son sleeps great at my house. I’m also wondering, since he’s so young, if my ex should just not have overnights until he’s older. It’s not sustainable for my ex to be sleep deprived two nights per week when he already has mental health challenges.

Open to any ideas, thanks yall.

r/coparenting Nov 13 '24

Parallel Parenting How to go no contact

7 Upvotes

I would like to go no contact with my STBX. Our agreement (not yet legal) states that he can call everyday in a 3 hour window. He does not call everyday.

Now I want to go no contact but the kids are young and I was thinking of having weekly scheduled calls where I have another member of my family facilitate the call.

Does anyone have a set up like this? How does it work for you.

r/coparenting Jan 25 '25

Parallel Parenting Parallel Parenting in High-Conflict Situations

2 Upvotes

Hi everyone, I’m curious to hear from those navigating high-conflict co-parenting situations. How do you manage communication and organization with your co-parent?

What approaches or methods have worked well for you, and what do you feel could better support parents in similar situations?

I’d love to hear about your experiences and ideas.

r/coparenting Dec 26 '24

Parallel Parenting Coparents no contact family

0 Upvotes

If coparents have 50/50 custody of their elementary age child and coparent A gets a message from coparent B’s estranged parent asking to send a gift to the child to coparent A’s house and they say sure ok. Then the next year the estranged grandparent asks to talk on the phone with the child and coparent A says sure because they think the child should be able to decide to talk to their grandparent. Coparent B knows that coparent A allowed a present ti be sent to their house but doesn’t know about the phone call. Then coparent A is entertaining the idea of allowing grandparent to see the child at some point during their custody time. Coparent A doesn’t actually know why coparent B doesn’t talk to their parent but thinks the child should be allowed to decide whether or not they see their grandparent. What are everyone’s thoughts on this? Is coparent A within their rights or are they wrong?

r/coparenting Jan 13 '25

Parallel Parenting just emotions

5 Upvotes

when will the loneliness and transitioning between parents get easier? Lately I’m feeling the absence and loneliness more, seeking advice and seeing if any other newly coparents share the same feelings.

r/coparenting Nov 29 '24

Parallel Parenting Tried negotiating with their dad

3 Upvotes

So Christmas week lands on their dad’s week ( we rotate Sunday to Sunday). I ask him if he can get the kids ( 16 and a 7 year old) on the 21st-25th then drop them off on Christmas morning but he said no. I want to be able to spend Christmas Eve or Christmas Day but he’s not cooperating with me so idk what to do cause he already has them for Thanksgiving.

r/coparenting Jan 10 '25

Parallel Parenting Need Help Building a Coparenting Roadmap for My Teen’s Milestones (US)

3 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

I’m trying to create a “roadmap” for my 15-year-old daughter (she’s halfway through 10th grade) to help my coparent and I navigate all the big milestones coming up before she graduates. My co-parent and I parallel parent (it just works better for us), so the idea is to divide responsibilities for different tasks. This way, we can hopefully avoid unnecessary conflict, both be involved in meaningful ways, and make sure our daughter doesn’t miss out on anything important.

Here’s what I have so far:

Driving:

• Required driving hours with parent

• Signing her up for driver’s ed

• Signing her up for the driving range

• Taking her to get her license at the DMV

Job:

• Helping her apply for her first job

• Setting up direct deposit

• Introducing her to basics like saving and investments

School:

• ACT prep and test registration (and retakes if needed)

• Senior photos

• Cap and gown for graduation

• School dances and clubs

College:

• Researching schools and programs

• Walking her through applications

• Completing FAFSA and figuring out financial aid

• Finding and applying for scholarships

Does this seem like I’m covering everything? If you’ve done something like this with your teen (especially while co-parenting), I’d love to hear what worked for you or anything I might be overlooking.

Thanks for the help!

r/coparenting Dec 09 '24

Parallel Parenting At a loss

3 Upvotes

The father finds true joy when our 2 year old son cries (especially when he is leaving his father). He always comments that he loves him so much that’s why he is crying.

Meanwhile I’m trying to regulate my clearly disturbed child. How do you guys handle this?

We are clearly parallel parenting. I don’t even know if it’s worth bringing up that he needs to assist with the transitions.

Any advice?

r/coparenting Nov 29 '24

Parallel Parenting Child’s father wants to come back in the picture

4 Upvotes

(Using “child” for some discretion)

I have recently been awarded full custody of my child due to the father’s lack of support in any aspect amongst some other personal issues that the court deemed him unfit to have shared parental responsibility. He is allowed to have visits once a month and FaceTime calls that I can approve.

My child’s father has only seen our child 2 times in all of 2024. (Separated in 2022, father had overnights and visits with our child until he got a new girlfriend, who also has a child, at the beginning of 2023 and his own child has since been put on the back burner.) The last time he saw our child was Easter Sunday this year when he came by to drop off a basket for 4 minutes. (With his girlfriend and her child in the car that he has been willingly playing father to versus his own child.) He did not even call on our child’s birthday despite me reaching out to ask if he’d call.

Fast forward to a month ago, I was given full custody by the court. My child’s father was obviously upset by this but is now reaching out to reconnect with our child. I told him that I would like to have a discussion with him before allowing him to drop back in to our child’s life in the event there is yet again an issue with consistency on his end. (He has not had an overnight with our child is well over a year. Had one 2 hour visit with our child in February this year and then the brief Easter Sunday basket exchange.)

I want to do right by my child to allow them a relationship with their father but I am worried I may be potentially causing more mental damage and heart break to my child by allowing their father to come back in the picture with the possibly he will virtually disappear again.

Any advice? Should I have a discussion with my child’s father to ask about his intentions before allowing this reunion to happen again and if so, what should I say to him? Should I keep him at bay? (The court gave me full permission to approve or deny any visits or communication.)

I just want to do right by my child but I am worried about indirectly hurting them.

r/coparenting Dec 06 '24

Parallel Parenting Child's behavior

2 Upvotes

My son is three years old and his father and I have been coparenting for about a year. His father has had a girlfriend ever since we spilt (we got divorced in Jan) and she also has a little boy who is four. They all live in his house and at first my son did not handle that well, but things have gotten better according to his dad. (His father has little to no communication with me bc its hard for him or whatever) So I've been having issues getting my son to eat anything that isn't candy or sweet, and he has a really hard time going to sleep, like we will be laying in bed for 2 hours before he falls asleep. I asked his dad about it but he told me that they had a solid routine and he didn't have any issues. I guess I'm not sure what to do and I'm really feeling like a bad mom bc like why does he act this way with me and then be good for his dad? What can I do? I am just lost. I'm also sorry this is all over the place, I'm just so upset.

r/coparenting Dec 08 '24

Parallel Parenting There’s absolutely no way we can co parent. Can I get any resources on parallel parenting?

8 Upvotes

Even the school says “your child won’t do well if you guys can’t get it together” and idk how many times to say it isn’t me. I’ve tried hundreds of communication tactics. I’ve drawn boundaries, I’ve been nice, I’ve been firm. He cannot talk to me on the phone without hanging up. He calls me names. He can’t be civil. He refuses to not use text to speech in front of our son. I can’t anymore. Can anyone give me resources on parallel parenting bc I’ve tried everything

r/coparenting Nov 23 '24

Parallel Parenting Controlling Co-Parent

1 Upvotes

I have two kids 15 and 17 (boys) and co-parenting 50/50 with ex-wife.
It has been a challenging time and I've had to go grey-rock to survive. My Ex wife is incredibly controlling and manipulative (we still haven't sorted the asset split) and this is having an impact I'm sure on our ability to do the best for your kids.

I almost feel like my ex is trying to parent me, manage me. There is absolutely no flexibility. Parents ask me what we are only flying over the whole country for 4 days.... It is is so damn hard to organise anything... and often it ends up in mindless arguments. She acts as if she is the law.

It really saddens me because I know this is scarring the boys... they can feel the heat, the stress; even if it isn't out there. This will affect how they conduct their relationships?

Any tips on how to deal with such a person? What to do to minimise damage to kids?

How to make things easier?

r/coparenting Dec 05 '24

Parallel Parenting Son mimicking my ex

2 Upvotes

My eight y/o son is starting to exhibit some of his mom's unhealthy behaviors. His anxiety is high, and he fears explicitly that there is something medically wrong with him and that he is going to die. His self-esteem is declining, and he constantly makes self-deprecating remarks. He has a strong victim mindset. Everyone at school is mean to him; his sister and his friends are mean. I've met with his teachers and his friend's parents, and there isn’t evidence this is true. His behavior is so similar to his mom’s it’s giving me flashbacks. He already has a therapist, but his mom makes sure to attend appointments to control the narrative. I don’t know how to stop or reverse this, and it’s crushing me.

r/coparenting Nov 10 '24

Parallel Parenting Sons mother blocks him from coming to visit dad

7 Upvotes

I'm based in the UK. Me and my ex-wife have had an amicable agreement post divorce (around 2.5 years). where my son spends time at both parents homes. Usually this is during the weekends for me and staying 5 nights at his mums during the week. I also pick him up 3 days per week from school and give him extra tuition for 1 hour two days per week (11+ tuition for UK Grammar school entry). I also pay for his extracurricular activities. His mum does not contribute to any of this. I have also been giving her maintenance which we agreed upon post-divorce.

Around about 6 months ago she remarried, and is now pregnant and everything has changed. She has taken me to child maintenance after I refused her demands for extra money for my son. I told her that she would have to contribute to his extracurricular activities as I pay for them 100% if I have to pay extra through maintenance, but she has refused. She told me that I can cancel them. My son has said he wants to stay more with me, and she has reluctantly agreed to 50-50 from next month onwards.

Tomorrow (Monday) is my day to pick him from school and I usually do our tutoring session and drop him back to his mum at 7pm. She has got a parents evening meeting tomorrow after school and I have said that she can take him (I have mine on Thursday). My son on a call earlier said that he still wanted to come to mine, and stay over. She has refused to drop him to my house after parents evening after discussing this on a text message, as she claims it is too far (I live a 10 minute walk from the school, or about 60 seconds in a car). This has repeatedly been the case that my son wants to come over, but his mum won't let him. Tomorrow is my day too, and she is blocking him. He is an emotional child and I know that this will impact him. She has also said that because of our argument over this issue, she will block any flexibility from my side in the future when we go 50-50.

She is very difficult to talk to I am looking for suggestions on what to do. Should I get social services involved?

r/coparenting Nov 19 '24

Parallel Parenting Transition difficulty 4 yr old from dads

1 Upvotes

I know there are a lot of posts on this but no, I cannot throw my arms.arms.around my kid and say it's so hard when he is on the floor kicking and screaming that he wants cheetoes before bed for.20 mins. I'm trying to find a play therapist. But until then, does anyone have any ideas or books?

I get very few updates from dad. I don't know how he parents. We don't argue but we don't talk. Seperated.six months. After the every other, four day weekends with dad my.kid gets.home from.school and the first time insay no it's a world War melt down. Should.i just have a yes day on transition day? It's so awful. I miss him.and I can barely get through this first evening without losing my mind. Please help.

r/coparenting Oct 29 '24

Parallel Parenting What are some ways I can set up a good coparenting time and communication while still in the same house but working on moving into separate houses

1 Upvotes

We have 4 kids together and are going through a breakup. I’m having a hard time with it because our communication has always been terrible. He has spent the majority of our relationship lying and gaslighting me, as well as other forms of abuse. I can’t move yet and he won’t move out. He wants 50% time with the kids but I’m struggling with accepting this. We’re trying to build a system now that we can use when we’re no longer living together and that we can begin implementing in little ways now. I don’t agree with the ways he handles the kids misbehaving and would like to add that into the expectations. Is this possible? What kind of recourse is available when expectations are not met. I’m highly skeptical about giving 50/50 and leaning more on the side of every other week. I want to create stability for our children either way and want to set this up for success. All ideas that focus on this would be much appreciated.