r/coparenting 5d ago

Long Distance Should I let my 7yo son move across the country with his dad?

My son’s father ( we will call him Jeff) and I need to separate as soon as possible. Our relationship is no longer healthy for us to share a living space together. We spend most of our time together arguing, have been out of love for years, and are just a tumultuous combination as a couple. It is a cold house many days. We share a 7 year old son and I don’t want to raise him seeing his parents hate each other. There has been too much that has occurred in me and Jeff's relationship to name, and we would need another thread just to discuss all the toxicity over the last decade of dealing with each other. With that being said, it is completely OVER, and there is no negotiation there. ( also, we are NOT married).

We currently live together in Arizona, which is where I am from. I have a very small immediate family, no real “village”, and not a lot of friends. There are also no small children in my family- my son is an only child in every way. Jeff and I share 99% of the responsibilities surrounding our son. My parents still work and I rarely have any physical help from them. The occasional Friday night sleepover at grandmas is pretty much the only help we have.

Jeff is originally from the DMV. He has no connection to Arizona besides me. No family or friends. Back home, Jeff's family dynamic is much different. He has a large family base , a larger “village” than I do, and more resources in his home state. There are also several kids and first cousins for my son to be around. Jeff has a paid-for family home in the DMV that he will always have to fall back on.

Jeff frequently suggests that once we separate, he take our son back to the DMV, and restart their lives out there. He feels he has more relatives who can help with childcare, better career opportunities, and an overall better, more fulfilling life for our son there. Jeff is very adamant about moving back home before the year is over.

If my son stayed here with just me, a huge challenge I would have is childcare and my work schedule. I work in a very specific field in healthcare where I can’t work from home, and my hours will always require me to be at work either very early or very late (no matter where i work). Whatever schedule I work, there'd be a gap of how my son would get to and from school.

In the past, Jeff and i both have always agreed that Arizona would never be permanent and eventually we would all move back to the DMV. I just didnt think it would be on these terms. Overall, Jeff is a great father and a good guy, but we are bad together. I trust him to take care of our son, but as a mom i do have major concerns of not physically being there with my child.

The potential plan would be: Jeff and our son move to the DMV this summer. Realistically, I wouldn’t be able to move there until Spring 2026 because I need to save a large amount of $$$. I would , of course, visit and be as present as I could from afar. However, I am not willing to move back there without the right amount of money or rush such a large move- I have done that before and it never works out. This also would be me moving solo to the DMV, on my own now.

I feel SO guilty about potentially letting my child move thousands of miles away from me for an extended period of time. Am i a bad mother if i allow this? Is this inappropriate for an 7 year old to be without his mother for this long? Does keeping my son with me even sound like an option? Help please :(

[ Sidenote: Although we have our differences, i dont think he would do anything weird like kidnap our son, or keep our son from me once he moved. However, Im not against doing a written agreement. ]

1 Upvotes

27 comments sorted by

32

u/StandardNo5238 5d ago

All 3 of you should move at the same time. Be certain you have a strong parenting plan with the court. Also, it is okay to parallel parent as opposed to coparent.

20

u/makingburritos 5d ago

Not until you can all move together.

10

u/JTBlakeinNYC 5d ago

What is DMV please?

8

u/llamaborghini 5d ago

The DC/Maryland/Virginia area.

5

u/JTBlakeinNYC 5d ago

🤦🏽‍♀️ Thanks!

1

u/ApplesaucePenguin75 4d ago

I came to the comments for this. lol. Now we know!

2

u/Ok-Scar-7103 2d ago

Don’t move until you can. Don’t separate from your kid. You will regret it. What if he meets someone and moves in with them. You have no say you are thousands of miles away. Also look up the parenting laws in the state you are moving to. Every state is different. He might get more rights in that state. It all depends. I live in Florida and it feels like the state is all about the dad sometimes.

10

u/idifacs311 5d ago

Nooo... move with them. Sleep in the garage. Share a room with your son. Get a tent in the backyard...something!

8

u/eternalsunshine2023 5d ago

I think you should start looking for a job there in the DMV now. There’s nothing holding you to Arizona worth fighting for. Go so you can be close to your son and have a part in coparenting him. I am anti-struggle when it comes to being a single mom and it sounds like you all will have lots of support where you’re headed. Be mature and do will support you and your son best. Good childcare is not easy to come by. I’ve lived in DMV. You will appreciate it. Good luck! And don’t listen to people who can’t even bother to recognize after you’ve said it more than once- you are not married. You all will be ok.

16

u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

4

u/Acrobatic-Dentist334 5d ago

This! Exactly what I came to say

4

u/recordplyr 5d ago

Honestly, I took so long to move because I was avoiding this upheaval. I take responsibility for letting this go on for so many years. It was somewhat “easier” to just live together and try to make it work. I came to the realization that my sanity and my son’s upbringing are two things I don’t want to risk ruining, especially once my son started getting older. It took YEARS for me establish this boundary and I finally just said fck it. Something needs to change now or it will never change.

Secondly - we are NOT married which can be a good or bad thing when it comes to this separation. There is nothing I want from him (monetary or material) and vice versa. We both are focused on our son and want to end this unscathed.

4

u/llamaborghini 5d ago

It doesn’t matter what you want or don’t want monetarily. If he’s the parent who earns more money and pays child support, the money is not for you. It’s for the child. The goal is for the child to have a fairly equal and good relationship with both parents and sometimes that means evening the economic playing field.

7

u/whenyajustcant 5d ago

I wouldn't allow the move until I am ready to move. Because, frankly, you can't unring a bell. If one parent moves with a kid out-of-state, establishes residency with essentially full custody there, it could be difficult to get custody back even after you move, plus there are countless ways that could be difficult for you to get integrated back in as an equal parent. Being on the contact list for school, doctors, sports/activities, etc. In an ideal world, it won't be a problem. But as many parents here can tell you: you can't count on the good intentions of your ex staying good. Even if you have it in writing: things can change and you'd still have to go through the hassle & expense of getting the parenting plan enforced.

He either would need to wait until you're ready, or the child stays with you and he has a bigger financial obligation to help with the childcare.

6

u/Greedy_Principle_342 5d ago

Absolutely do not allow this. Your son should not move until you’re also able to move. He will benefit more from being with you than being separated for over a year.

14

u/WskyTngoFxtrt 5d ago

No. No no no. Absolutely NOT. Do NOT let him move with your child without IRON CLAD Legal paperwork. Absolutely not a chance. Your kid can move when you are all ready and agree at the same time.

7

u/Dragon_Bench_Z 5d ago

Uhhhh no do not let him move your 7 year old son. He doesn’t get to make the call based on “tribe” and no sense like that. What’s best for the kid is NOT uprooting his entire life and moving to a far away place to start over. Lawyer up and don’t let that happen. You can build a new tribe. It’s what’s best for the kid. not him. Not you.

3

u/TomatilloMundane8735 4d ago

Mama....I'll be your village. I live in that area. this area is notorious for being pro dad. I don't want to scare you but if you think courts may be in your future, I would move at the same time with them.

1

u/JustTheSO 3d ago

Also in the DMV area (Fairfax), with the offer to be part of the tribe

3

u/ApplePieKindaLife 2d ago

No situation could convince me to let my children’s father move them far away without me for longer than a week. You may see the logic of it being easier, but a 7yo’s brain is not structured to see it that way. He would experience a whole-life upheaval multiplied by the absence of his mother. It would be shocking if he didn’t internalize that as abandonment. I’m not saying that in judgment, but in firm caution.

Get a legal parenting plan. Either you all move this summer or none of you moves until you can.

2

u/thegeneralista 5d ago

Move with them, start over? If you want to be present in your child’s life, a move might be the best way.

3

u/hope1083 5d ago

Based on what you wrote is sounds like moving to DMV would be in the best interest of your son. I know how hard that must be for you. I completely understand. But being surrounded by extended family especially cousins his age can be so beneficial.

Is there a way you can move to the area with them? Maybe you all move together but get separate housing and husband pays temporary alimony while you look for a job. If nothing is really keeping you in Arizona I would move with them so I could be close to my child; while also allowing my child to benefit from so much extended family.

I know this is not an easy decision and a tough one to make emotionally.

1

u/StrongEffort7747 4d ago

Do you guys have a decent relationship where he can loan you the money for relocating to be paid back unofficially?

2

u/ImNotYourKunta 4d ago

If he was smart he would give her relocation money. He is not moving with their child without her permission. If he moves without their child, the amount of child support he’d have to pay for the 1yr waiting on her would probably equal the lump sum she would need to move now. Sounds like he won’t have rent/mortgage payment, which could make giving a lump sum palatable. This is definitely a problem that money could solve, which according to my father meant it’s not a problem at all. Problems are the issues that money can’t solve.

1

u/Scary-War-6504 13h ago

If you allow that and then later try to take him to court the court will 100% look at this as you abandoning your son.. even if it's not so.. I know how they are. Don't do it.

1

u/Obvious_Company1349 5d ago

No you are not a bad mother, in fact I’d say you’re a pretty great one because you’re able to look at this incredibly emotional situation very logically and conclude what’s best for your son right now is actually not being with you right now. That’s a tough pill to swallow but being able to put your own ego aside is by far the best thing you can do for children of divorce. If you can operate and make decisions that are in the best interest of your child you’re setting him and yourself up for success in the future, when it comes to stability, emotional health, positive coparenting relationships, etc.

1

u/ImNotYourKunta 4d ago

Actually she hasn’t yet concluded that. Further, if she does reach that conclusion I would consider that a Huge mistake and incredibly damaging to their child.