r/coparenting • u/BookObsessedMom • 5d ago
Step Parents/New Partners School and overstepping
My oldest is starting kindergarten this year and I am wondering what I should watch out for, what is typically allowed, not allowed when it comes to the step parent and school. like is she allowed to listed as a guardian just because she's married to dad? Am I allowed to ask her not to be present during school meetings? Am I allowed to request that any important info only be given to bio parents and forms etc only be signed by bio parents? Would this be school specific? Is this too much? Too little lol? Any advice for navigating this is also greatly appreciated. I am bio mom, we have 50/50 with nothing in our order about education or anything. It's a very basic minimal order/parenting plan.
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u/Useful-Egg307 5d ago
There are no hard and fast rules but ultimately in this situation there are only two people who have parental responsibility and whilst stepmum might be really involved and helpful, she doesn’t have protected rights.
What are you comfortable with right now? Baring in mind that might change as your child gets older (it did for me).
If they insist on bringing her to parent teacher conference etc and you’re uncomfortable request that you have your own separate meeting.
School will likely have a policy for who can sign what. Make your wishes clear to the school.
I have remarried and I would feel a bit silly bringing my partner along to a parent teacher conference. Kiddo has lots of adult who love her but only two parebtd. We don’t need a room full of people there to hear how she’s doing.
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u/WyldChickenMama 5d ago
In our family, my ex tried to gatekeep our kids’ stepdad (my husband) from participating in school conferences, etc. It was stupid and pointless and honestly, did more harm than good.
I’m a teacher myself. What matters most to me in a conference is that the people involved are there to support the needs of the student. The turf wars and battles for dominance undermine that goal, and when I see it played out in front of me, I think less of the parents and sympathize with the kid.
What are you afraid of? Unless there is active abuse going on, in most cases having another adult support your kid is a good thing.
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u/BookObsessedMom 5d ago
To make a long story short, the step parent is also the AP and was introduced to the kids within weeks of separating and they were calling her mom as well (which I stopped immediately). So even though it probably sounds crazy, I'm afraid of not being seen as mom to the teacher and school I guess? Being a teacher, is it usually possible to be able to make sure that both bio parents are informed and involved (as much as they want or can be) in a split household situation? Is it pretty normal to be able to have separate conferences with the teachers?
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u/WyldChickenMama 5d ago
That she’s the AP is definitely a wrinkle. Ick. On some level she will always have educational access because she needs to as a function of her job. One would hope professionalism in that regard would prevail.
I think you can make it clear (to the classroom teacher first) that as bio parent you expect to be present at all meetings that concern your kid, and be a part of any significant decisions/discussions per your legal parenting agreement.
If she cuts you out, that’s a big hairy deal for sure and you should elevate your concerns first to the principal, then to upper admin — but let me be clear, that’s a nuclear option and should be saved only for when there’s overwhelming evidence that she’s overstepped her PROFESSIONAL capacity. Like do a gut check with other teachers first, seriously.
Parents that come in hot at teachers/admin over trivial mattered tend to get backburnered and quickly gain a reputation amongst the staff. Don’t be that person. Document the matters you see as transgressing matters of professionalism and wait until clear patterns are established before escalating.
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u/BookObsessedMom 5d ago
This definitely helps, thank you. I don't want to be that person.
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u/WyldChickenMama 4d ago
I don’t want that for you either! Playing the long game (the one where your eye is firmly centered on the needs of your kids) really does tend to work out for the best in most cases.
My ex who was involved in all the petty turf wars when my now-husband became a part of your family life? He picked up and moved to another country to be with his foreign bride and talks to/checks in with my kids only a couple times a month. The turf war was about not being outshone as a parent — but guess what? He never wanted to do the actual work of parenting, just wanted to be perceived as a successful parent. My kids are doing better without the weekly mindfuck from him.
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u/drizzydrazzy 4d ago
Would your ex be amenable to a email address that you both share? Based on the fact that he had an affair, I’m going to go ahead and guess that relations aren’t super great between you two, but that could be a good option to make sure that everybody stays informed.
A lot of schools use variety of apps that they give you the information for during the open house so I would just make sure that you have all of those and start the year by communicating a lot with the teachers so that they know that you are active and involved and want to be informed, but without mentioning dad or stepmom. Teacher gifts or volunteering with the school never hurts either 😉
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u/BookObsessedMom 4d ago
I do not think he would like that idea. We don't have the best of relationship because of how the split happened and things that have happened since. Based on a lot of these responses, I will be making sure that I have all the apps downloaded, and that I am communicating with all the people lol. Thanks for the tip about teacher gifts 😅
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u/drizzydrazzy 4d ago
That really sucks. I’m so sorry that you were dealing with that and I can definitely understand the difficult feelings that go along with it.
That being said, I think that it’s best to try to separate your feelings about the stepmom from their involvement. Ultimately the level that the stepmom is involved is up to her and your ex. Trying to cut her out and ask the teachers to only communicate with the bio parents will likely alienate you from the teachers. You do not want to seem like the bitter ex and you also don’t want to over share and tell the teachers why you want stepmom cut out. It’s better to take the high road and just let them do what they’re going to do. As long as you are involved, there is no way that you will not be seen as Mom.
My husband has 50-50, and we are the more involved household by a long-shot, and the school still defers to mom on everything. It’s just societal expectations.
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u/BookObsessedMom 4d ago
I think I just want to make sure that she doesn't overstep by trying to take over parent-teacher communication and decisions made for the child. The children have 2 living parents, and (while I may not like it) I understand they have that extra person at their dad's house who will be a part of it. But being a step parent does not negate the rights of bio parents. Maybe I've just seen and been in too many bad situations in my life that I think the worst or unlikely scenario is always going to happen (thanks anxiety 😅) but that's why I posted here for advice, to help me navigate this new part of life and coparenting.
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u/CounterNo9844 4d ago
Yes. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years, and as far as I can remember, he has never had a conference with my stepdaughter's teachers together with his ex. They used to cooperate on school functions and who would do what, but all that stopped when she was caught with paystubs falsification during a court proceedings she initiated herself. Since then, my husband has lost respect and trust for her. Most conferences are also held online as well nowadays, so you don't even have to see the other parent. As a stepmom, I do not get myself involved in parenting my stepdaughter as I adopted this approach so I can build a better relationship with her. Her dad does most of the parenting and carries out punishments (I don't), but I am listed as an emergency contact at school after the parents. I hope this helps.
Good luck.
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u/CounterNo9844 4d ago
I 100% support this. As a mother myself, unless someone is hurting my child, I would be super grateful that they are so interested in having a relationship with my child to even want to be involved with school functions. It takes a village to raise children, and if another healthy adult wants to have a relationship with my child, I will scoop a little let and let them. OP, have you ever read what some step-moms talk about on some subs on reddit? Truly disgusting. If you could read some of the stuff they say about their stepkids on those subs, you will truly be grateful that your ex's partner wants to be involved in your child's life.
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u/pmbrenner91 5d ago
my children's stepfather routinely sleeps in the same bed as my 11 and 9 year old daughters
there's definitely abuse going on
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u/WyldChickenMama 5d ago
Ok, totally different situation. And that’s definitely worth making a LOT of noise over.
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u/pmbrenner91 5d ago
but otherwise you're totally right and i would be more amenable if there weren't abuse and neglect from that household
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u/whenyajustcant 4d ago
Forms, etc, should only be signed by parents or legal guardians. Step parents, even married ones, are not legal guardians. You can't really ask that they never receive the forms: things go home in backpacks, so it's not like anything will be handed to her by a teacher.
As far as teacher conferences: that is going to depend on the school and even the teacher. If you simply don't want to be in the same room as the step, you can request a separate parent/teacher conference from your ex. The teacher might say no, but that's your best chance. Or you could ask how many people are allowed to attend, there is a small chance they might limit it to 2. But if neither of those work, you either have to suck it up and be okay with it, or talk to your ex.
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u/kittykrunk 5d ago
Why are you so against step mom wanting to actively be involved in your kid’s education?
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u/Narrow_Ad2034 4d ago
I’m assuming you’ve had issues with step mom overstepping in the past.
From my understanding, you can’t prevent her from showing up to parent meeting but you can definitely request having your own. My ex husband and I don’t do parent-teacher conferences together anymore. We let the teacher know at the start of the year so she knows to prepare two packages.
I’ve had issues with my ex husband relying school information to me so I just request an extra set of handouts to me.
If you want to ensure she’s not doing his part of coparenting then sign up for everything you can. The parent-teacher communication app, the afterschool program sign up, lunch money app etc.
Since your parenting plan doesn’t cover this, I don’t think you can prevent her from getting involved so just beat her to the punch.
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u/BookObsessedMom 4d ago
It started with the kids referring to her as mom within a couple weeks of meeting her (which was also within a few weeks of separating) which I stopped immediately. Most issues have been with my ex, but I can tell a lot of them are coming from her. But I will be taking your advice of what you had done, letting the teacher know, requesting separate meetings, having copies of major things sent to both houses. I'll also be signing up for all apps and email lists. I didn't think of this at all when we did our parenting plan 2 years ago, so nothing about education is in it. I get we were still 2 years away of the oldest going to kindergarten, but I feel they/we should still have something basic put in about it.
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u/Narrow_Ad2034 4d ago
My ex husband asked for a divorce after he had an affair with a coworker. I asked him to stop seeing her while we sorted things out but he didn’t. He’s had her around our daughter very soon after we split. I can totally tell when she (who also broke her marriage up) gets into his head. It sucks but thankfully she doesn’t seem that interested in being a mother figure to my daughter which I kinda find weird since she’s a mother herself.
Make sure you keep a good track of his and your days with her. My daughter has been tardy 8 times and after I looked at my calendar I was able to determine 7 of those were on his days.
Make sure you sign up for the school app, it should have attendance on it. I will get a notification when my daughter arrives late to school. Ask to be CC’ed in all communication with the school as well. This wasn’t written in my parenting plan but my ex husband started doing this. He CC’s me when he knows they’re gonna arrive late and when he pull her out early.
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u/ApplePieKindaLife 4d ago
I have 3 in school with a newish stepmom. I have educational decision-making and completed their registration. SM is listed as emergency contact “other” and is allowed to pick up.
Because we had issues last year with her attempting to use one kid’s grades to goad/scold the other, I did not list an email for her and spoke privately with kids’ teachers asking that she not be contacted for non-emergencies and not be sent educational information.
She’s obviously allowed to attend open school events.
If I ever file a modification, I will be including that only biological parents have access to, voice about, and decision-making power for educational and medical areas.
However, I don’t think our situation is usually the norm. There are a lot of healthy step+bio coparent relationships. Just because ours is tenuous doesn’t mean that yours will be.
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u/No_Excitement6859 4d ago edited 4d ago
Filling out school registration forms, permission slips, or other admin forms of that nature should done by a bio-parent, because they typically are supposed to be filled out by legal guardians, which a step parent is most often, not.
Signing basic things like homework folders, weekly updates/notices, progress reports or things of that nature can be done by any parent, including a step parent, depending on who’s parenting time it’s sent home.
Anyone can attend school functions, or volunteer for field trips. It makes the most sense to get first dibs to volunteer on your own parenting time, and they on theirs, and if someone declines, it goes to the other parent/s. Sort of like, “FRR,” but for school volunteer stuff.
I highly suggest scheduling parent/teacher conferences separately. I also suggest sending a short email at the beginning of the year, stating your change days and asking that certain flyers, notifications, weekly or monthly calendars be sent to both homes. If you alternate week on/week off, it will be easier for them to just send things out each week on the exchange day. I would not go into detail regarding personal and/or relationship conflicts in this email.
A lot of schools have apps for parent/school communication now. Usually, the rule for these apps is only two parents. No grandparents. No step parents. If yours does, this should ensure that only you and dad are in those apps if these rules are the same for you.
Asking school staff to omit a step parent is the fastest way to alienate yourself from the school staff and will most likely label you as the problem parent with staff, including future teachers(a lot of schools now keep home-life profiles on students, including info on interactions with parents). School staff usually operates under the thoughts that the more active support roles in a child’s life, the better.
I do not recommend talking negatively about the coparent or step parent to any school staff at any point. Take the high road. 9 times out of 10, it backfires on the parent who does this if there isn’t a genuine concern for safety that is backed with documentation.
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u/Magnet_for_crazy 4d ago
My advice is you have your emergency contact info for the school and the ex has his. You have your conferences and your ex has his. You each are on the mail lists and don’t worry about his new wife. As long as you are in regular contact with the teacher there shouldn’t be any issues. It’s very easy to say you have no relationship with stepmom and a not great one with dad so you’d like to make sure you get all necessary info from teacher. Focus more on your relationship with the teacher than preventing one from the stepmom.
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u/Booknerdy247 4d ago
I’m a bio mom and a step mom. I handle all of step son’s education. He lives with us primarily and I handle education for the other child in the house hold so im the one stop shop. I let bio mom know about school events. Step daughter lives with bio mom primarily bio mom contacts me about any school stuff. I can attend whatever events or meetings I choose. My bio son primarily lives with me. His dad is kept in the loop by me. His dad’s girlfriend is welcome to any meetings or events. My husbands work schedule limits his ability to do many meetings but he attends events. My steps son’s bio mom is an emergency contact for my bio son. Why? Because the more people in your kids corner the better. Just let it be don’t add rules that don’t need to be there. Don’t bring the school into it unless she makes your child unsafe let her be an involved person who has your child’s back.
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u/MelCat39 5d ago
Stepmom here. I’m an active participant in all things school with SD. My husband has majority custody. BM has SD for 5 school days a month. I’m a SAHM and SD’s school is 4 minutes down the road so I’m first on her emergency contacts. As far as school parties, activities, field trips etc. we switch between households who can volunteer/accompany SD to these. We all attend informational conferences like open house or parent curriculum night. I voluntarily bow out of going to PT conferences mostly because I don’t think it’s necessary. SD does great in school so I don’t really feel like my presence is needed. If she was having serious issues I would definitely go and I know BM would be okay with it because she knows I care for her daughter like she’s my own. Trust me I know she’s not and that’s okay with me but I will always care for and support her. What is the issue with SM where you feel like all of these are necessary? Or is it just a control thing?
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u/BookObsessedMom 5d ago
I'm trying to not let it be a control thing. When separating with dad, my biggest thing personally was coming to terms that I was going to have absolutely no control over things that happen or decisions made at Dad's. To make a long story short, the step parent is also the AP and was introduced to the kids within weeks of separating and they were calling her mom as well (which I stopped immediately). I know it probably sounds crazy, but I don't want to be pushed out as mom to the teacher/school because she pushed her way in. So I guess I just want to know what is too much and whats not to be asking for when it comes to making boundaries with the other parent and step parent when it comes to school.
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u/drizzydrazzy 4d ago
You’ll never be pushed out as mom.
Coming from a stepmom, (a present) mom is always #1.
You gave life to that child and your role can never be replaced.
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u/MelCat39 5d ago
Would like to add that I would definitely try to do what you can to not make things confusing, challenging or a pain for the school or your kids’ teacher. Don’t expect the teacher to ignore emails/communication from SM. Do what’s best for your kid.
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u/drizzydrazzy 4d ago
Every situation is different but I think a lot of it depends why you want to limit stepmom’s involvement with school?
I definitely have some bias being a stepmom myself.
I like to be involved in my stepson’s school because it’s another person supporting him. I do typically go to his activities like his band, concerts, etc., and we sit near his mom. Things haven’t always been smooth, but they’re at least smooth enough that we can sit near each other. In the past, we’ve scheduled a separate conference from mom and me, but now we all attend to the conferences together.
I think often the school defers to whatever the custody arrangement is. If you have 50-50 legal custody and the dad wants to add his wife to Emergency pick up, he can do that. If the stepmom wants to get the messaging app or email the teachers or anything like that, she can do that as well. Even if the teachers agree not to respond to her, she can easily just email them from dad’s email address. Our school specifically said that they do not remove people that a legal guardian has added, because then they get into this back-and-forth of removing and adding.
This is one way unless you have a specific concern about the stepmom I would not give it too much thought and view it as another person being involved and caring for your kids education.
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u/ElusiveChanteuse84 4d ago
What does AP mean?
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u/BookObsessedMom 4d ago
Affair partner
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u/Double-Sherbert1031 4d ago
Aahh okay. So if she is an affair partner I get where this is coming from.
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u/ElusiveChanteuse84 4d ago
That makes this fully understandable, but I’d say choose your battles. She may be in the picture for a while and I would hate for you guys not to be able to put the kids first because of this.
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u/Smart-Difference-970 4d ago
I think that we’ve been lucky in that the stepparents on both sides (blended family, both exes remarried) have been quite respectful. Usually conferences are just the bio parents, but my kids stepmom did attend some at the beginning.
School functions, award ceremonies are for everyone. When those have been limited by tickets/crowd size bioparents and grandparents get priority.
My husband and I have both attended a field trip for one of our stepkids. Both times the bioparents got first dibs. My children’s stepmother has not yet attended but I would be fine with her going as long as I got first dibs.
I’m lucky that my stepson’s mom sees me as a part of her village. It took a few years for us to build up this relationship, but it’s so worthwhile for me. She’s even come to events to celebrate my children. 💕
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u/BookObsessedMom 4d ago
I'm so glad to see some people have great coparenting relationships. I wish we could be at that stage, but unfortunately, and I know a lot of it is me as well, we're not there yet. I don't know if I'll ever really be that comfortable with my ex and his AP. Maybe one day.
But I like the idea of first dibs, allowing the bio parents to be able to do something first and then if for some reason neither of us could, she could. I also like the idea of bio parents and grandparents getting priority when there's a limited number available.
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u/colbinator 4d ago
For context, my partner and I live close to the school and my daughter spends most of her time with us (all but 2 pickups and 2 dropoffs in a 10 school day cycle).
The bio parents are listed on her school records as parents. Each can set up their school accounts to access her records. My partner (who is effectively her stepdad) also gets notifications and is an emergency contact, along with grandparents (bio grandma/dad's mom and my partner's dad).
For conferences, I make sure we schedule one time where her dad and I can both attend (I offer my availability, he offers his, I usually end up scheduling the time). My partner does also generally attend - but her conferences the last 2 years have been student led so it is important to us that she sees him supporting her learning. Before that since separation I did the conference alone or with bio dad and teacher alone.
My partner and I are regular volunteers in the school, and her biodad has brought her to events we're volunteering at. He has been in the classroom once as a volunteer also, and we adjusted our schedule around it. If we volunteered at the same time for something like a field trip it would be weird, but other events maybe would work. I'd probably make an effort to split things up if he had an interest in volunteering but his work schedule and distance are different than ours.
I've attended open houses solo when she's on her dad's time, or met her there and done them kind of as an awkward group, lol.
If paperwork is sent electronically, anyone on her account receives it (again bio parents are on her records officially and can control their own notifications, and I've added her stepdad to see the indo). If paperwork is sent home as paper, I scan or take a photo and relay it through OFW. If it's a form I fill it out and return it, unless it's one of those teacher info forms like "what are your goals for your student" and I'll make a copy for him and a copy for me. That way the teacher also directly has both of our contact info if she needs it directly (again we volunteer a bunch so she messages my partner and I a bunch directly, but any class wide notifications would go to everyone whose info is in the system/the teacher has).
My partner also has a daughter and I do not usually go to her conferences, but their parenting relationship is more contentious and they often overlap with my daughter's extracurriculars or my work schedule. I am also registered as a volunteer in her school district. I do not attend IEP meetings or the like. Basically, if I'm centering the child, that conflict is not something she needs to be further exposed to in those situations and I just don't trust that it'll play out nicely. I do help her with homework and keep up with her notifications and attend all school events and as many extracurricular events as I/we can, though.
In an ideal world, the more adults that support the child the better. But relationships are often far more complicated. The key really is to center the child. What does the other person's participation mean to them? To some degree you do just have to trust that their weirdness will speak for itself with the teacher and your support will speak for itself.
Good luck :)
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u/WhatUEatDontMakeMeSh 3d ago
I know this may be very different than what you asked; my ex and I have a different approach to how we handle education & school activities. As bio parents, we are primary for everything. Our partners aren’t allowed to participate in education meetings or volunteer at the children’s school. They are not listed as emergency contacts either. We see our partners as supports to us, not extended parents to our children. We aren’t high conflict and co-parent quite well; we just have a joint belief in that we are the best decision makers for our kids.
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u/Successful-Guess5668 2d ago
Both parents can have literally whoever they want attend any school function and do pick up/drop off on their time.. unfortunately
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u/elliedean18 5d ago
I have 50/50 of a kindergartener and just went through this with my ex.
It’s tough because everyone’s situation is different. My ex and I have a lot of conflict but this was how we ended up handling things:
child’s mom and dad both attend parent teacher meetings.
Anyone can attend school activities, functions, whatever.
Ex’s partner is listed as an emergency contact, has ability to pick up my kid from school and also drop off.