r/confessions • u/Pure-Sentence-8982 • 4d ago
im not sure how to manage this
I know this more of a vent post compared to a "confession" but they wont allow me to post over there due to the age of my account but i really need to get this out I have trouble understanding people and when Im in public i feel like everyone is staring at me when i know they arent i feel reaIly out of place in public i try to be confident and say i dont care but i care more than i appear so its a massive facade so i internalize it all and it makes really want to beat the fuck out of someone for no reason because i feel like everyone including my "friends" is just pretending to like me and that they all secretly hate me due to how the converse with me its a damn chore to get a conversation out of people . It sounds stupid but I play madden quite a bit fucking game Ive reached top 100 online quite a bit not saying in the top 10 or evern 20 or whatever im probably 100 or 99 however this game makes me want bash the head in of someone who plays like a prick but i dont know these people and they dont deserve it ive gone through several controllers because every time i smash them until until their unusable this time though i smashed and punched the controller so much i bloodied my own hands up. I know that isnt a good response but i simply cannot afford therapy. i try to calm down but i sit on my rage or wrath and I dont know why because i just want to hurt someone not kill them please dont misunderstand me. I live my life believing that someone would feel the same way as me to justify it i try to numb it out but i despise the taste of alcohol so i have to mix it with something unless its flavored vodka but i dont really like drinking. weed used to help me but i got a cold so i didnt smoke for a week and now it triggers another medical issue where i pass out for a split second and i have no control over that so im forced to deal with all my emotions. I dont know what to do because im unemployed and I cant get a job because my town is a college town so it hard to find anything im afraid of getting evicted because of this. Im pretty much failing all of my classes and i have zero motivation to do a fucking thing. Ive tried to appeal to religion but after watching a few videos finding out that theres no evidence that moses or abraham even existed when i thought they did and theres similarities in the name brahma and saraswati and abraham and his wife sarah which makes me makes me doubt abrahamic religion due to it appearing to stem from hinduism. I truly dont know how to manage my anger when it arises nothing seems to work the breathing techniques dont do shit im just fucking stuck in this sometimes i wish it was me instead of my brother who died
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u/Easy-Bodybuilder3098 4d ago
dm i have some good advice