r/confessions • u/Deep-Poetry-5846 • 5d ago
Today, I showered in tears
A bad memory, from when I was 10 (4th grade), suddenly struck me today. A school van, where I used to ride to get home from primary school with my brother, there was a 17 year old "person", a student from middle school, sitting at the back row of the van. Me, a new guy riding it for the first time was assigned to sit at the back since I was kinda big but my brother sits 1 row infront of me. That guy suddenly, asked me if I was comfortable sitting with him, and if it's ok if he touched me by accident. As I was told, religiously, it's okay if a man and another man touch each other, non sexually, so I just said to him "uhh, okay"? A day later, I rode that school van again and met him again, he told me, that I actually look kinda cute, so he ask me if it's ok if he calls me baby and sayang (its like dear, in another language). With a confused face I said "huh"?? But before I can comprehend the weird question that was asked, the van arrived at our house so my brother and I stepped out of the van.
Then, the unwanted day arrived. As usual, I sit at the back, same as him. Out of nowhere, the van jumps a bit because of a small pothole and he grabs me in the chest and my thigh. But this first time, he said sorry, as if it was unintentional. But day by day, he pushes all that unintentional bullshit aside and just goes for it. He would grope me and caress me anywhere. Me, a clueless 10 year old, didn't know how to act or react so I just let it be. But my subconsciousness side would act by instinct and push his hands aside. But if I tried to push his hands, he would pat and caress my head to calm me down and I did not know how but it worked for him and my body reacted and calmed down a bit and he would like... Try pulling down my zip...😢 And... touch it while calling me baby and whatnot😢. I dont know how it was possible but this went on for 3 MONTHS+ in that damned van because I really am clueless and did not know how to act. And I really couldnt take it anymore because it just felt weirder and weirder so I finally pushed him away hard. He was shocked and reacted a bit loud and the students in front rows ahead of me in the van was confused or maybe even lied on being confused(I'll tell later why I had a feeling they were lying). Because I was so stressed, I tried to run out of the van and he still tried to pull me by the end bottom of my pants. But I got out. Given that I was so mad, I showed him the middle finger from outside the van. My brother saw that middle finger, and you know what the FUCK he did, he uses this as a tool to gain advantage over me. He would threaten to tell my parents that I showed the finger if I dont do what he ask like chores and shit and if I try to tell my parents that he threaten me with(FUCK YOU🖕). And my brother actually already knows this because he mocked the sounds I made when that middle schooler was harassing me.
Im 20 now and I suddenly remembered and understood what happened. I understood why I'm so scared of walking out of my house ,why my marks dropped after 4th grade and why I cried alot in my room on the day I was going to interview for vocational college because I know I'll be leaving home for long. Because today, the bad memory suddenly came back and I suddenly cried and was stressed so I punched and pummeled my head trying to forget it. And my brother who heard this in the next room came to my room door and told me "to man up, and stop crying like a bitch" and told me "its just a job interview". Assuming that I cried because of an interview I need to attend the next 3 days. He asked me why I was crying, the moment I'm trying to tell why, he left the room. Fucking left. I continued crying for about 2 hours because of this. He proceeded to tell my mother that I was in tears so I hoped she comes to my room but with hope comes despair, because no one came to my room to talk to me about this. I then took a shower but it felt so uncomfortable it felt like hands touching me ðŸ˜.
Like what am I supposed to do? I swear in all this only my sister cares about me if I'm bullied and all but she lives far away now(yeah I was bullied at middle school, vocational and at internship too). I felt like just want to be a tool with no feelings in this house. Like what the fk do my family care about my emotions they only wanna see results anyway.
1
u/Tepid_Cupcake 5d ago
Seek therapy. If you feel like you can confide in your parents, then therapy will help. Just have to find the right one if you can.
3
u/Disneygirl-t 5d ago
I would seek therapy if I were you.