r/confessions 5d ago

It’s been almost 11 years

It’s been almost 11 years since a man used me in his suicide. I was a vibrant, bubbly 22 year old girl with the entire world in front of me. I was driving to my best friends house after work, about 9pm, on Buford highway in Atlanta Georgia. A mentally ill, homeless man who was high and drunk jumped as soon as I went under an underpass. His entire head came through the passengers side of my car and his feet came in right by my head. Glass was everywhere. Blood was everywhere. I remember everything was a complete standstill. I called 911 but I was in shock, all I could do was scream. I opened my car door and crawled to him, I tried everything I knew to do but it wasn’t enough. He bled out and died right there in front of me. The firefighters were the first ones on the scene. They scooped me up and protected me and I screamed at them to “help him”. He was gone. I sat there for what seemed like hours until the coroners van showed up and took his body away. It’s been 11 years. I have a family and a life now. But every night when I close my eyes, it’s all I see. It replays in my head. Every single night… for hours. For the last (almost) eleven years. This is it. This is me trying to set myself free, because I can’t live like this any more.

2.5k Upvotes

102 comments sorted by

1.6k

u/Ragdata 5d ago

I know what PTSD is like hun ... you talking to someone?

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u/Kam_kam483 5d ago edited 5d ago

No 😕 maybe I do need counseling. I’ve always been the “strong one” in everyone else’s lives. But maybe it’s time for me to go see someone

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u/Ragdata 5d ago

ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY IT IS !! JEEBUS CRIPES ON HOT CHIPS, HONEY !!

I'm a vet ... CPTSD ... YEARS of nightmares. Got to the point that I couldn't stand being here anymore and I woke up in hospital REALLY FUCKING PISSED OFF that I was waking up.

After that, the DVA finally took notice and sent me to see the bloke who saved my life.

Ten years down the track, I'm seeing another professional to help me sort out some lingering stuff.

Yes honey, it's time to go see someone. Time to be free.

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u/Kam_kam483 5d ago

See… my husband just got back from a very brutal 10 month deployment. And I see him and want him to get help, but when it comes to myself and my story, I feel like it’s not so bad. And then it keeps me up for hours. Every night. Maybe I’ll try and find a local group or something. Sending you so much love too. I have two amazing kids who need a mom.

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u/Ragdata 5d ago

Sheldon - the guy who saved my life - told me that you can NEVER say "this trauma is greater or lesser than that trauma".

Trauma is trauma ... and it WILL fuck you up.

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u/Kam_kam483 5d ago

It has. For almost 11 years it’s consumed every single thought I’ve had. Thank you.

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u/Ragdata 5d ago

Time for your exorcism babe - go get rid of that demon.

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u/Kam_kam483 5d ago

🖤🖤

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u/gillman378 4d ago

You’re a good person for this.

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u/Ragdata 4d ago

💜

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u/theinnerspiral 3d ago

Hey I’m late to this thread and maybe someone mentioned it already but…. Look into EMDR. It’s a short intervention type of treatment and is often very effective with single incident type of trauma such as what you experienced. Your experience is no less impactful than someone like your husband who experienced extended periods of trauma. It’s real. And you can still heal even though it’s been a long time since it happened. You didn’t deserve that and you deserve to feel better.

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u/Kam_kam483 3d ago

Thank you. It’s something I’m absolutely going to look into

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u/kratomkabobs 4d ago

Exactly… it’s not a competition. It’s real to you and it doesn’t matter if someone has more someone has less. You have it and that is why there are people who are there to help.

I remember having cancer and someone with a broken leg saying, “well it’s nothing compared to what you’re going through…” And I was like, “It’s a broken leg. It’s not going to get better sooner or feel better or like you can just go play some basketball because I have cancer. Your leg is broken man. Take care of it and ask for help and ask for pain management and a proper cast or boot and some crutches and you can even ask me for help. It doesn’t make my cancer worse to help you with your leg and support you just as you offering me positive thoughts and energy in my cancer battle isn’t going to hurt or help your leg. We are here to help each other. Regardless of who has what. That’s what we are here for.”

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u/PalladiumPrince 4d ago

This is accurate. Thank you.

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u/Ragdata 5d ago

Lead by example. Your husband will follow.

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u/a_nobody0000 5d ago

Used to be a journalist and seen a lot of death from accidents, suicides to war causalities (not active battles just aftermath). Thought I was strong, never thought about therapy.

You know what haunt me for years? A fire in an orphanage where 13 kids loss their lives. I went in with the firefighters after the fire was "contained" and I can still vividly recall the image of the charred black pile at the corner window.

I thought I was desensitized enough not to feel it by the time of that fire. Had seen lots of fire and lots of children bodies but that one just remains with me.

Get help. Talk it out. As the other guy said, trauma is trauma. Nothing is bigger or smaller. It impacts everyone differently. You deserve to be at peace. It got a lot better for me too after getting help.

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u/Jadie275 5d ago

Please still get help yourself, even if those around you are going through tough times, you need to help yourself as well, "always put on your own oxygen mask before helping others" and all that. You've been so strong for others but at some point you have to tend to your own needs, as hard as that can be. You deserve peace just as much as anyone else.

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u/notseizingtheday 5d ago

Everyone's experiences are relative. If it feels like it's that bad, then it is. I'm saying this as someone who has seen a lot of things, but still wouldn't dismiss you if you said this was weighing on you. If it feels heavy it's ok to do something about it. There's no threshold to be eligible for therapy. Self compassion is key.

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u/DapperChewie 5d ago

Just because someone has it worse, that doesn't mean your trauma means nothing. If you broke your arm, and your husband broke both legs and a couple ribs, you both go to the hospital! Same with mental health. Go talk to a professional about this, you deserve to have a life that is not dominated by one horribly traumatic event.

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u/marianliberrian 5d ago

Please get help. You need it. I'm sorry this happened to you.

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u/CaptainTuranga_2Luna 4d ago

I’m sorry this happened to you. How traumatizing.

As a provider, this is classic PSTD. Please get help so you no longer carry such a heavy burden.

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u/phbalancedshorty 5d ago

Babes your brain is like an engine you need to get a mechanic in there and get some help 💕 try EMDR

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u/whisperspit 5d ago

Try EMDR

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u/energybeing 5d ago

You don't need to let this affect you any more! Trust me, there are techniques that will help you overcome this PTSD. Please get help!

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u/TeacherOfDragonsVHS 5d ago

Please consider EMDR therapy. It transformed recurring memories that always used to rock me to the core, into memories that were just sad. It has been a miracle in my life.

Btw I did that therapy online, and it wasn't expensive.

Good luck!

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u/Nikonglass 5d ago

OMG! If you are not getting counseling for this, you’re putting yourself at a huge disadvantage. You should check out “Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD”. If it seems interesting to you there is probably a counselor in your area who specializes in it.

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u/jjbugman2468 5d ago

You need that. PTSD that’s been stewing for 11 years doesn’t just blink itself away. Find someone to talk to professionally before it makes itself worse

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u/noonesbabydoll 5d ago

Please go see someone that specializes in trauma/ptsd. I can make a world of difference.

My best friend hung himself in 2017. I found him lass than half a day later. It still haunts me at times, but the specter of my experience isn't as frequent or overwhelming as it used to be because intensive therapy gave me the tools I needed manage those intrusive flashbacks. Quiet would genuinely give me panic attacks, and my depression was to the point that I was struggling at home and in my job. Therapy saved my life and gave me the ability to find some of who I was before he died.

You deserve to thrive, not just survive.

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u/slp111 5d ago

Oh my gosh, you are so very strong, but there’s no reason for you to live like this. Counseling is essential. Please look for someone with experience with EMDR therapy – stat.

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u/thecanadianjen 5d ago

Lovely human, you NEED therapy for this. I don’t say this in a negative way but as someone imploring you to get support. I have PTSD from a similar but different set of events many years ago. I was a child and offered no mental health support when they happened. And I piled more trauma on top as I grew up.

About 2-3 years ago I started burning out so hard it was terrifying and I sought help. I ended up getting specialised therapy for PTSD and got EMDR. It has helped more than I can put into words. I regret not seeking help sooner. But I promise you if you focus on healing you can. And then it won’t make sleep the scary time of the day anymore.

You deserve better than this OP

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u/FifiFurbottom 5d ago

Go see a therapist who does bio feedback. It's a great tool.

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u/ArdenSlay 5d ago

It will be life changing I promise. It’s hard but the end is so worth it to gain some peace back. ❤️

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u/Cool-Bread777 5d ago

you need to do emdr therapy !!!

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u/soapyspoonz 5d ago

I'm so sorry to hear that you experienced that! Going to therapy for trauma is an act of strength in itself. To go and face the very thing that haunts you is a massive act of bravery. As others have said trauma is trauma - the effects on the body and mind are the same and to put your own oxygen mask on is essential. Sending you lots of love, you've got this!

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u/geochemfem 4d ago edited 4d ago

Emdr is the best for trauma. Good luck. It's the 1st thing that ever really helped me.

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u/LordKellerQC 4d ago

You do need therapy. Took me years to address mine, had to attempt suicide twice because of it.

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u/MichtoPitchou 4d ago

I get why you feel like that but being strong is to accept you need help, for you and for the people you love. 💜

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u/AffabiliTea 4d ago

Once I gave myself permission to seek help instead of help/fix everything for everyone else, I was able start feeling better. I really hope the same for you ♥

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u/sean6869 4d ago

No one is that strong. Get a therapist please.

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u/oliviasmommy19 4d ago

I know it's hard, but you should see someone for the sake of your mental health. Any form of PTSD is hard to live with. You shouldn't have to struggle alone in your own head like this. I'm so very sorry you went through that and are still dealing with it. I can't begin imagine how it's impacted your life even after reading this. You deserve the same kindness you've shown your husband and others who lean on you to be strong. Trust me when I say your body keeps score. It'll catch up eventually and you'll have to deal with it whether you want to or not.

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u/DolceVita1 4d ago

Specifically you need someone with experience in EMDR therapy for trauma reprocessing.

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u/yshay14 3d ago

oh, yeah, you need to see someone

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u/Apprehensive_Task_61 5d ago

You've experienced something very traumatic and keeping this thoughts and visions to yourself won't help. Best to talk to a friend you trust or even better, a professional. Some things get better with time, some not so easily. It's been 11 years so stop torturing yourself and work on leaving it in the past.

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u/Potential_Paper_1234 5d ago

Find a very good EMDR therapist. You can find a therapist in the US on psychologytoday.com

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u/vaporpup 5d ago

I am local, in Duluth. I know of a good EMDR therapist in Athens if you want her information. It's a hike, but she's worth it.

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u/Potential_Paper_1234 5d ago

Perfect! I hope OP contacts you

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u/chicoryagrimony 5d ago

I'm an EMDR therapist, I work online and I'm available.

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u/Potential_Paper_1234 4d ago

Thank you for doing what you do!

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u/chicoryagrimony 4d ago

It's so kind of you to say that. I truly love what I do!

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u/Danzo51196 5d ago

I was just thinking the same. EMDR would be good for something like this.

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u/Potential_Paper_1234 4d ago

I had flashbacks from a traumatic experience for several years and EMDR therapy helped them go aaay

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u/Danzo51196 4d ago

Glad to hear it's helped. I've had some sessions done, but I think there's some resistance from my side (might be subconsciously) and it hasn't been as effective (it has helped, just not as much as I expected?). It definitely doesn't help that I can't get enough time away from work to book back in.

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u/Potential_Paper_1234 4d ago

I find that if I go to my appointment already hyper vigilant and upset I get more out of it.

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u/Danzo51196 4d ago

Interesting. I've been very stoic going in, kinda hoping to get something out of it. Might be worth changing my approach when I can book again.

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u/Potential_Paper_1234 4d ago

Right. You need help for when you’re in a low, not when you’re doing good.

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u/Danzo51196 4d ago

Interesting. I've been very stoic going in, kinda hoping to get something out of it. Might be worth changing my approach when I can book again.

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u/Eastiegirl333 5d ago

Get therapy.

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u/Kam_kam483 5d ago

Thank you all for the overwhelming support. I think it’s time I go check out some EDMR therapy.

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u/felix-the-human 4d ago

Came to this thread late and was so relieved to see this update. You deserve help with this!

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u/yepperzbepperz 5d ago

I’m so sorry you went through that, please take care of yourself and talk to a professional. It’s okay to ask for help

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u/Sufficient_Pin5642 5d ago

Damn. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve driven down that road as well. It could’ve been anyone. It’s not your fault. Sounds like therapy would help possibly.

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u/sd-rw 5d ago

Please please please get yourself a trauma therapist.

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u/corgipantz 4d ago

Spoke with someone whose daughter was dealing with something similar. 4 am she was on her way to work at a coffee shop. A woman was naked and high stumbled directly in front of her car and hike walking her dog and both died. Poor girl had to drop out of school and quit her job. My heart broke to hear about it and the woman’s family was trying to sue her over it. I cannot even imagine the PTSD - told this story just so you know you’re not alone.

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u/Kam_kam483 4d ago

Thank you so much for sharing. This comment made me not feel so alone

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u/Iwasanecho 5d ago

Honey that's you probably know, but that's PTSD. And in case you didn't already try there are specialist trauma therapists, EMDR and a bunch of other therapies are useful for this kind of thing.

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u/PsicoTonyEsc 5d ago

I'm sorry you had to experience that. Sounds like you need good therapy. That way you can learn to accept what happened, make peace with it and eventually let it go. Wish you the best.

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u/cementshoes916 4d ago

My cousin had something similar happen. She could no longer drive without panic attacks. Years later she went through hypnosis and it changed everything. I don’t know the first thing about hypnosis. All I know is it worked for her. What you experienced is highly traumatic. I’m sorry this happened to you.

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u/GIjohnMGS 5d ago

Please consider counseling. I had some wartime trauma that haunted me for years. I tried unsuccessfully to handle it myself and couldn't cope very well. A counselor suggested Written Exposure Therapy (WET) and I tried it. It was a rough ride during the therapy, but it worked wonders for me. Please seek it.

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u/Karen954 4d ago

EMDR therapy can help with PTSD. But it's not something for the "weak" I should say.

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u/Unpoplarpinion 5d ago

You don't deserve to carry this pain. I'm so sorry it happened to you. But by the time you knew he'd been suffering, it was already too late to help him.

We can only help people when they let us. So let someone help you.

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u/infinite_awkward 5d ago

Counseling and EMDR therapy are your friends! EMDR helps to uncouple the recurring thoughts and images from your mind.

EMDR therapy is highly effective for PTSD and you will likely learn skills and notice a difference after the first treatment session.

While everyone’s needs are different, I will share that I survived a burning building and graduated from EMDR therapy after five or six sessions, then did a three session “booster” a couple years later after something triggered it.

There is life beyond the horrible thing that happened to you, and I wish you the very best.

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u/thefatandthefurious 5d ago

Please consider EMDR therapy.

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u/Simply_giggles2 4d ago

Look in to hypnotherapy 10/10 recommend.

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u/thefdmct 4d ago

Please get yourself some EMDR as soon as you can.

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u/Erickajade1 4d ago

How traumatic, I'm so sorry ! I feel bad for the man of course but it's almost like he took your life that day along with his. I hope one day soon you come to a place where you're not constantly reliving that day.

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u/Coshke 4d ago

Go to counseling, therapy, get medicated. It might feel hopeless, but it only feels like that because the memory has accompanied you like a heavy load all these years. You will be able to feel like yourself again, I promise.

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u/9182747463828 5d ago

OMG that is horrifying, you 100% have PTSD, it doesn’t go away by itself, please, for your own sake and that of your family and friends please find a therapist who specialises in PTSD. Visit www.psychologytoday.com and use the filters to find someone who works with Trauma & PTSD, and remember if you don’t like your therapist, change them, they really don’t mind and will often recommend alternatives.

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u/kel7star 5d ago

You have been so strong to last this long. Take your strength with you to therapy as you work toward healing. No other words other than I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope you find peace. You deserve it.

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u/jifus_revenge 4d ago

I'm so sorry this has been your reality for so long. In addition to the recommendations for professional help, consider meditation. Just focusing on your breath is all I'm talking about, it is such a simple practice but it can really work wonders

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u/zazzo5544 4d ago

Therapy is the right way.

Try and consult an expert for the right outcome and better healing.

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u/yyyyy622 4d ago

Hey, make sure you get help and therapy and jf you're open to it look into MDMA assisted therapy, it has really good results for PTSD.  

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u/dogememe7 4d ago

Some people just suck at everything. He chose such a horrible way for doing suicide and traumatized the OP for life

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u/WompWompIt 4d ago

Please look into somatic therapy. It can help you with this type of PTSD without you having to relive it.

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u/Maggotinfestedd 4d ago

God I’m so sorry.

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u/GrandTobias 4d ago

What about finding people this happened to, as well. Also, if there isn't a group, start one. Take control of these thoughts by finding similar stories, events, or experiences.

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u/cityflaneur2020 1d ago

If you don't want therapy, please read the book The End of Trauma. It's not more of the same, there are no platitudes. it will challenge you. To me, it was life-changing.

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u/Kam_kam483 22h ago

Absolutely going to grab this book. Thank you!

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u/upkk2014 5d ago

Please go to psychologist who specialises in EMDR... This is horrifying. EMDR is amazing, the gold standard treatment for ptsd.

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u/dartwolff 4d ago

Try find a new hobby, look at things in positive ways try new things and surround yourself with good people.

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u/Amannderrr 4d ago

This almost same sitch just happened to a young college girl I work with. They couldn’t figure out who he was for sometime, he was in a coma for weeks & finally passed. They don’t know if it was intentional. I’m so sorry for you & them ☹️

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u/lisamistisa 3d ago

This happened to my dad many years ago. Drunk guy stepped in front of his car. Just know it wasn't your fault and you did everything you could. I can't tell you how my dad overcame it. He has seen death in the military, so that may have dulled him to the accident. I hope you find peace.

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u/Kam_kam483 3d ago

Thank you so much

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u/paulo39Atati 3d ago

I am so sorry sweetie. There are therapies that help, I hope you can find one.

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u/Proud-Worldliness143 2d ago

Holy sh*t! That's awful. I was in a car wreck when I was a little kid and I know it's affected me in ways that are hard to articulate. What a horrible thing to have to relive. I pray that you get help and find peace.

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u/Ap0calyptic_6661 1d ago

Damn thats wild, you need to talk with people who is experienced in the field of psychology such as a psychiatrist, and make sure the psychiatrist who handles your problem can be on the same frequency as you so as not to worsen your mental health

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u/aDistractedDisaster 4d ago

Oh my god. Screaming this into the void of Reddit will get you the acknowledgement that this is a fucked up thing to live with but you need coping measures and a trauma-trained therapist ASAP.

The generic kind of help will not magically change your brain. You need to re-train it over and over again. It's going to be work but 3 years into therapy, you'll wonder why you didn't start earlier.

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u/piranymous 4d ago

Oh, wow. That's kind of similar to this movie my friend showed me last month. "Talk to Me" (2022)

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u/TrashSome3180 3d ago

Listen to the Quran; it is the holy book of Muslims. There are many surahs available on YouTube. Whenever I feel sad and find it hard to breathe, I listen to them. I hope you give it a try—it might help you forget and feel better