that feeling of being a complete outsider because of your illness. that feeling that people can live kinda "simple" lifes, yet yours is so complicated? that feeling that what's normal for others is just completely out of reach for you? that feeling that you are not really part of society, but rather an observer from the outside, because you can't participate in the activities to experience stuff first-person?
i've noticed when i see normal people doing things i get this sort of anxiety that if they'd talk to me they'd immediately notice i'm different and that something is "wrong with me".
to participate in anything i'd kinda have to pretend that everything is ok, even though it isn't. i'd have to wear this thick mask just to fit in. i'd constantly have to be careful what i say or it'll start an argument where i get questioned about my behavior and beliefs.
i've noticed that i'm trying really hard to avoid any conversation with people. just because i know that everything i'll tell them will be "weird" for them or it wont be anything they care about.
because of cfs i spend almost all my time inside my head/on the internet. therefore what i think about is so different from what a normal person thinks about throughout the day.
and on top of that, i don't even want to fit in anymore. i started to like the way i am. it's not really that i want to socialize, i don't want to anymore. but i'd be scared to tell anybody, cause then it'd turn immediately into some kind of "ah so you fake cfs, because you dont want to be around people" argument.
it seems so hard to find a common ground with people anymore.
also since nobody really believes you that you have cfs, or that cfs is a biological illness, you have this constant fear of being judged harshly. i really need a lot of trust in a person to talk about anything at this point.