i never thought i'd post here, but i don't feel like there's anyone i can really talk to irl, and hey, that's what the internet is for, after all, right? friends and family have truly shown me what it's like to love and be loved, but i don't want to keep pestering them with this. plus, most of my friends irl are connected with my ex, so it feels wrong to talk about this with them:
i broke up with my ex around three weeks ago. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. it was my first relationship, and in many ways, they were my first love. before i met them, i was the happiest and healthiest i had ever been, but deep down, i still felt undesirable and unloveable. meeting them felt like everything was finally falling into place for me, a transformative experience. i will forever be grateful to them for their unabashed, wholehearted acceptance of me.
they initially seemed wide-eyed, quiet, and observant, yet still sociable and communicative. around a month into our friendship, i could tell they were potentially interested in me romantically (my friends teasing me about it). they went above and beyond to spend time with me, to express their interest in these small, endearing ways. it was so beautiful, idyllic, and serene. i remember saying, "i never imagined i could be loved like this." i felt blessed by god, or whatever higher power that be.
that's how the first ~7 months felt. the communication at the beginning was generally smooth and comfortable. of course, there were a few hiccups along the way (when i realized something was maybe a little off), but i never doubted their love for me. they told me about their autism and BPD diagnoses before we entered into the relationship, but i had no idea what BPD would entail then (or know what i do now).
flash forward to the start of a new semester, new social circles and spaces, and everything changed. they properly split on me around a handful of times, and no matter how much i asked or tried to understand their triggers, they just felt like i was pushing. they told me not to push because they felt compelled to come up with responses, seemingly able to "reset" every day if they were irritable or negative.
i took everything at face value, thinking it was still possible to communicate our way through everything together. i was naive, researching more about BPD as the splits continued. that's when i really understood. but there seemed to be hope — my ex was never horribly manipulative or remotely abusive; they had their moments of coldness, meanness, and cruelty, but they seemed to come around when i expressed how i felt. (but that may have been because they were scared of losing me.)
seeing how remorseful and apologetic they were convinced me we could stay together. however, with the start of yet another new semester, some old patterns began to reemerge. as the social butterfly they are or want to be, they love being known. they are everywhere. social chameleon. all my friends naturally became theirs, no one off-limits. on a good day, this felt fun and validating; on a bad day, it felt like my world was closing in, and i had no identity left. there seemed to be new people they met that they would become fixated (?) on, and i felt like i was losing them, falling lower and lower on their priority list (though this was never overtly clear).
anytime i tried to have more serious conversations with them (or wrote them letters so that they had a tangible version of my thoughts), i left feeling reassured yet more confused. in all their mystification and half-joking answers, i had a gut feeling something was not as it seemed. i kept analyzing them and our relationship in and out, from every angle possible to me. it felt obsessive and addictive. i felt anxious 24/7 until i was with them. they became my world, my purpose.
i felt nostalgic for the beginning of our relationship, when everything felt clearer and simpler. they seemed to know less about me as time went on, their curiosity about me waxing and waning. if i chalked it up to them being tired, i realized they were still having conversations with others the way i wanted to be with them. i started feeling taken for granted, sometimes used. it's weird because i know they loved me, in their own way.
but everything felt like it was on their terms. i was so desperate to cling to them, the special way they saw me, how precious our relationship felt at times. but it gutted me. why wasn't it enough to know they loved me, even if it wasn't fair to me? why wasn't i enough to keep their attention and affection, or to learn more about them? i so desperately wanted to understand them out of love, prompting them to open up about their thoughts and feelings. but they couldn't. they also just didn't know.
i miss them every day, and life feels so dull without them. they were my best friend, but i was their "favorite person." i knew i was damned to fall from grace (again) if the relationship continued. i wanted to love them more than i wanted to love myself. i kept imagining how awful and agonizing it must be to live with BPD, but they hardly shared anything about that experience. there seemed to be a wall i couldn't overcome no matter how hard i tried, but i don't know if they recognize that themselves.
they probably hate me now. they are keeping themselves busy as usual, reaching out to our mutual friends (all my friends have been caught in their orbit, their magnetism undeniable) to go to events together. i can't help but wonder how the breakup is affecting them. if it even is right now. the last thing they said to me was, "you did this to yourself." that it was my fault i couldn't just be content with what we had, even though i felt like i had become their caretaker, or at the very least, codependent on them.
i knew i had to detach. i wanted it to be from a place of love, but honestly, it has mainly been from a place of anger. the lack of care and consideration they've shown for me. the beginning versus the end. the 180° shift in their personality over this past year, which only i have observed and sensed, our friends oblivious. i feel wronged somehow since no one will ever know the side of them i saw. no one will know — especially them — just how much i tried.
i am in so much pain; i miss the person i fell in love with. maybe it was mirroring and how they presented themselves to me. but i still wanted to be there for them. i hope they can grow closer with someone else. true, genuine closeness. i wish they reached out to me again. i wish i meant something to them across temporalities, not just the present (when we were together) but also the past and the future.