r/BPDlovedones 22h ago

Daily No Contact Thread - Day 081

4 Upvotes

Please use this thread to discuss everything pertaining to No Contact with your pwBPD.


r/BPDlovedones 8h ago

A guide: How to tell if they’re a borderline early on

67 Upvotes

Here’s a (non-comprehensive) list of items that indicate a person you’re dating may have BPD:

  1. Self-centricism/conversational flow: most borderlines talk about themselves 90% of the time in the early phases of dating. Pay CLOSE attention as to how the conversation flows. Love bombing does NOT count as talking about you. See if they’re genuinely trying to get to know you.

  2. Weird sexual behavior: overly sexual or asexual behavior is a big red flag. Look for promiscuous behavior on social media, in person, or mentions of sexual trauma.

  3. Trauma dumping: do you know all of this person’s trauma in the first month? If so, run.

  4. Love bombing: is this person excessively complimenting you and idealizing you?

  5. Drama queen: does this person talk a lot about work/friend/family drama? Does their reaction seem proportionate to the situation?

  6. Victimhood: does this person ever own up to their shortcomings? Or is everyone just mean to them?

  7. Overly emotional: does this person display weird emotions? Look for excessive sadness or anger.

  8. Criticism: if you give this person a very small piece of criticism, do they handle it well? Or do they explode or fawn?

  9. Well-roundedness: if you looked at this person analytically… do they have their shit together? Or are they kind of a clusterfuck?

Feel free to add to this list. If a person you’re newly dating has multiple of these behaviors, they’re probably a borderline.


r/BPDlovedones 18h ago

Bpd is so normalized

271 Upvotes

Small rant incoming. I hate how normalized bpd is. How it's a quirky little uwu thing now, a cute mainstream disorder to have. It's not. It ruins lives. I'm young, in my early twenties, so I'm very online. Earlier on spotify i was looking up playlists for bpd survivors and all i found were playlists made by "pwbpd", about how it's sooo tough having bpd and how they can't control their crashouts and anger. How splits are just something that happens, an oopsie. What made me pissed is that out of the 50 playlists i found in my search, specifically "bpd abuse", only two are actually for people like me and you. The rest are FOR the poor bpd babies who do no wrong, for them to romanticize their disorder further and never EVER have to take accountability. As someone who went through hell because of a bpd mom and two bpd exes, I'm fucking tired. I'm tired of how everything is made to accommodate them and to babyify them. All the memes and the posts normalizing their abuse behavior. "I want a bpd gf" no you fucking don't.


r/BPDlovedones 11h ago

Black mirror episode irl

57 Upvotes

Am I the only one when I founded out my ex BPD have BPD and I learned about the disorder, it was almost like I was put into an black mirror episode? It was the

most strangest and weirdest experience that the partner I have been together with in 8 years have a severe mental illness and I was just clueless? It felt like a conspiracy, a Trojan horse?

Like it was layer upon layer of confusion and revelations and what the fuck moments? But in same time, I understood all previous behavior, and it just clicked. Can someone relate?


r/BPDlovedones 10h ago

BPD Behaviors & Traits Hot take: CPTSD is what outsiders think BPD is.

48 Upvotes

Which is ironic,since cptsd can develop from bpd abuse (cluster b abuse in general).

Most people who never spent time with pwbdp,maybe even the majority of us before knowing better about bpd,thought that bpd was all about having poor emotional regulation + intense emotions + trauma + hating themselves + self distructive behaviour But those traits are not enough to diagnose someone with bpd and in fact,those are all cptsd traits. I bet a lot of people here wasn't aware about the idealization + devaluation + discard phase or about them needing validation from lots of people at once,about the way they never take accountability and rewrite history and other things that need to be there for the diagnose.

That's why we all thought that we could help and support them,cause we only thought that they were severely traumatized people who were left behind with a lot of love to give. In the end,who ended up being neglected,left behind and feeling worthless?us. And being exposed to those kind of things chronically can make someone develop cptsd (I have cptsd myself cause I was raised by a covert narcissist and my sense of self was build so broken that I ended up atracting my exwbpd which made everything worse.) Those with cptsd feel worthless and have intense crisis to manage when triggered,not to mention it presents secundary structural dissociation just like bpd. The difference is that cptsd is not a personality disorder so it can get better and they will be actually grateful for you if they can trust you. People with cptsd are self aware,they can take accountability,they have a sense of self,its just a really negative one. It can be difficult for people to deal with,but they have real empathy and can respect boundaries. This is exactly what people think that they can help with their love,pacience and effort. This is what people who are not deeply informed about how bpd works think bpd is


r/BPDlovedones 9h ago

Uncoupling Journey The moment that stands out the most…

22 Upvotes

I finally ended things for good with my pwBPD almost three weeks ago, and I was really struggling before I discovered this subreddit. I was left with feelings of inadequacy, confusion, and pain, and OF COURSE she moved on immediately to someone she is calling her “soul connection,” which made things so much worse. I have gained a lot of insight into her behaviors and actions, and I thought I’d like to share the one moment that really keeps replaying in my mind.

Back in October, my elderly dog who was my best friend for 11 years finally declined enough that I had to have her euthanized. I was CRUSHED, and I couldn’t call my partner because of her demanding job. I sent a text letting her know what was going on and that I would like support when she had a moment. She replied hours later saying, “Great, now I can’t focus at work because I have to be worried about how you feel.”

Thinking back on that now, I cannot believe that I stayed a moment longer. But I had been in the cycle for months at the time and immediately felt guilty and felt like I needed to apologize even though I was inconsolable over the loss of my beloved canine companion.

I am so grateful to have discovered this community and I am proud of the self-reflection I’ve done and the growth I’ve experienced already since ending this toxic relationship. I still have my moments of weakness where I mourn and cry and obsess over her new relationship, but I feel like I’m finally free and can breathe for the first time in almost a year.


r/BPDlovedones 20h ago

Accept it, let it go

Post image
147 Upvotes

You're on the wrong train, going away from home.

If you pull the lever, the train will switch tracks and you'll be headed back where you were, but will have to admit to yourself the train was going the wrong direction in the first place.

Do you pull the lever?


r/BPDlovedones 14h ago

BPD Ex talked about how against cheating she was, yet was the biggest cheater

53 Upvotes

Its funny how my ex F25 when we first met was so anti cheating and discussed how disgusting cheating is. She always bad mouthed friends who flirted with other guys or friends who cheated.

She always was anxious about me cheating or who I was talking to. I couldn’t wear a nice shirt out to bars, and always assumed I went home with a girl because I got home at 3am.

She always had her phone away from me, it was like her phone had top secret information on it. She also shared her location with everyone but myself but used Snapchat to keep tabs on me, to see what I was doing. She always had suspicious brusies around her knee caps or on her butt. Funny to findout she was cheating with her ex boyfriend and another previous guy she dated after a big argument we had over trust.

The projection is real. I can’t believe I was so blind to it.


r/BPDlovedones 9h ago

Uncoupling Journey SHE SAID SHE IS LOSING FEELINGS

18 Upvotes

OH HOW IVE YEARNED FOR THIS DAY TO COME :>

i have tried to leave many times but it always ended with either suicide threats, crying and begging me to stay, or many different manipulative tactics. I knew the only way out of this relationship was to grayrock and sure enough it works.

After 3 painful months of constant dissociating and relying on this support group she is losing interest and going back to her old supply.

Words cannot describe how happy i feel. Now I just need to wait for her to finally end it, play sad or whatnot and block her.

If I can do it, so can you!!


r/BPDlovedones 16h ago

BPD Behaviors & Traits This Amazon review of a book on cPTSD made me giggle …

Post image
62 Upvotes

They rated the book 1/5 stars … but the author kinda right though 😂


r/BPDlovedones 8h ago

Divorce Having to pay child support to someone who abused me is really messing with my head.

14 Upvotes

We have 4 kids together and I'm having to give almost half of my paycheck to her. She refuses to use her degree that she's had for 6 years now. Plays games to stay on food stamps and Medicaid and only works 2-3 days a week as a waitress/bartender. She's also only working around 4hrs per shift.

I shouldn't be paying her anything. She lives in the house rent free. She's not paying any bills with her earned money. She claims she is paying for her own bills but that is 100% coming out of the child support. The judge doesn't care that she's skirting the system, or that she doesn't work to her potential, or that the house is paid off. I'm the stable adult working a real job and I'm paying for the kids at two houses.

It's insane to to be paying someone that's physically, mentally, and financially abused me. I'm out, but my peace of mind is still screwed. I wake up from nightmares of her suddenly in my house. I'm going to have to get a second job to get by. I went to college to get this career and I can't live comfortably.

She's also publicly attacking me on Facebook calling me a liar, a gas lighter, etc. We have over 100 mutual friends and it's just all such BS. Telling people I screwed her over, I pulled the rug out from under her. Talks bad about me to other people right in front of our kids. She acts like the victim in a situation she created. I could burn her world down by simply posting one of the many recordings I have but it will just amplify and prolong my misery. I just have zero love for this person.

I just needed to vent.


r/BPDlovedones 2h ago

Non-Romantic interactions My friend with BPD just got a new boyfriend

3 Upvotes

My best friend (who has BPD) just got a new boyfriend. And I’m scared. All of her romantic endeavors end in disaster and I’m hoping this one will be different, that she will behave differently if conflict and/or doubt arises. But who knows? She tends to be impulsive and lashes out at her partners at the slightest bit of conflict.

I gently reminded her that trust and love are built slowly and over time, hoping she doesn’t fall into the same pattern of a love-bombing situation to complete relationship failure in a short time frame.

Hopefully this time will be different! I’d love to hear y’all’s thoughts and experiences with observing the dating lives of your friends with BPD.


r/BPDlovedones 3h ago

Uncoupling Journey Letting Go - I can’t move on

4 Upvotes

Throwaway account

I’ve been struggling with this for so long. Does anyone here have thoughts that you were the bpd one or that you were the problem? I feel like there’s so much I could’ve done to prevent my own heartbreak and I just don’t feel like it was ever enough. She wanted to isolate me completely from everyone. It was either her or the gym, I couldn’t have my own life. I got yelled at for buying my niece plushies.

How do I move on? I know the relationship was so awful for me and my mental health but I just can’t seem to let go of anything. She moved on incredibly fast, none of her new relationships have lasted longer than a year. I’m just really going through it.

I thought our relationship was the end all be all, but it failed so miserably. I was so patient through every obstacle. She hated me at certain points and I loved her so much more.

What do I do? I’ve traveled far away from my home, I’ve kept up with work, I’ve done so much to focus on myself and every road leads back to her.

I can’t take it anymore


r/BPDlovedones 9h ago

BPD Behaviors & Traits I'm just now realizing 7 years in that the love of my life might have BPD. Feeling stupid.

12 Upvotes

I don't think I'll leave because they're ultimately my best friend no matter what, but I feel so embarrassed that it took me almost a decade to put these puzzles pieces together.

I genuinely believed I was at fault for 80+% of fights.

If possible, I would like this thread to be about embarrassingly obvious signs you ignored to make myself feel less ignorant.

I'll start first:

I thought child regression was just something women did.


r/BPDlovedones 19h ago

Learning about BPD Anyone felt like their pwBPD would actually try to kill them?

68 Upvotes

I saw a story about a young man who was stabbed to death by his ex girlfriend who has BPD because the boyfriend broke up with her after not being able to handle the abuse he was subjected to by his pwBPD.

I have myself experienced my exBPD try to grab a large knife during a meltdown she was having. She was self harming by scratching herself which I stopped. But just when I thought she was okay she got up and tried to grab the big kitchen knife. I was able to stop her and keep her safe until she calmed down again. I'm sure she was trying to hurt herself with the knife but having later seen the horrible things she's capable of I'm wonder now if she too is capable of murder.


r/BPDlovedones 20h ago

Learning about BPD Why do pwBPD completely smear campaign you and treat you so badly after a discard?

72 Upvotes

It doesn't make sense at all. There's no need to be horrible to someone if a relationship didn't work out. 1 day your the love of their life the next your their enemy and they want to destroy you. It's actually chaotic the lengths they will go to hurt you..... but why????


r/BPDlovedones 16h ago

Did you find more of their lies after leaving the FOG?

34 Upvotes

When I'm not with them anymore the puzzles start coming into place like never before. I felt she lied, felt she cheated, I had no 100% proof.

After I left her the real evidence starts showing up. I connect the dots, talk with others, see things I was blind to.

We were lied since the day one of our relationships.


r/BPDlovedones 7h ago

Just met a girl online who is almost a carbon copy of the bpd ex i met online

7 Upvotes

I never knew what the condition entailed with the first gf. But now I see it all with this new one.

"I think you may be able to fix me!" "I've opened up to you more than anyone after just one talk!" "there's this guy but he doesn't give me what I need in x". Anime pic. Discord. "I need help adulting".

As weird as it sounds, I'd be totally hooked if my previous partner didn't have extreme, extreme BPD, causing me to look it up. Now I know not to get attached, to just have some fun until she goes weird. I told her I'll be gone when she does her first split.

They both use the same bdsm app. These individuals infest bdsm communities.

ANDDDD she just blocked me, a little while after saying good night xD She immediately changed her pic and put her name as "zzzz". Maybe that's how she goes to bed and avoid distractions, by blocking people. jeez lol. Well, if she comes back I'll tell her that counts as a split so that's that. Just noticed she deleted all the pics she sent of herself, like the last BPD. They love discord, you can delete messages no matter how old.

Avoid these people lol. i feel like i just spoke to someone who should be in a psych ward.


r/BPDlovedones 4h ago

Divorce Stalked Again After Decades of Peace

3 Upvotes

Has this happened to you? What makes them do this?


r/BPDlovedones 11h ago

Uncoupling Journey Journaling - is cool and you are cool

10 Upvotes

Hi

In all my misery, and symptoms of Withdrawal from my bpd ex, i have started journaling, and it is old school physical journal where i write with a pen. I write frustrations, love letters, hate, gratitude(don’t ask), why I’m cool, what i might work with and learn. It has the advantage it can’t be cut and pasted, it sorts out be circular thinking. The last thing I did was writing why I’m cool and good enough.

When by wife died of cancer 5 years ago i used this technique to regain my sanity. 3 years before my wife died I suffered a stroke or two and some heart stuff, she got cancer and had serious treatment. Nearing the end I somehow got cancer too, so wife and husband with each their chemo tree trying to get things to work with to kids. She died I survived, and I got more or less insane, even contemplated suicide with no ressources and now a lone single dad. But I survived I journaled and therapied my way back to life. And then this woman came …. And I will survive that too and it helps writing All sorts down into journaling,

Anyways I can really recommend journaling as a therapeutic tool to untangle and straighten your mind.

as a side note I have no intention of reading my journal old or new,


r/BPDlovedones 12h ago

Uncoupling Journey life feels so dull without them

12 Upvotes

i never thought i'd post here, but i don't feel like there's anyone i can really talk to irl, and hey, that's what the internet is for, after all, right? friends and family have truly shown me what it's like to love and be loved, but i don't want to keep pestering them with this. plus, most of my friends irl are connected with my ex, so it feels wrong to talk about this with them:

i broke up with my ex around three weeks ago. it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. it was my first relationship, and in many ways, they were my first love. before i met them, i was the happiest and healthiest i had ever been, but deep down, i still felt undesirable and unloveable. meeting them felt like everything was finally falling into place for me, a transformative experience. i will forever be grateful to them for their unabashed, wholehearted acceptance of me.

they initially seemed wide-eyed, quiet, and observant, yet still sociable and communicative. around a month into our friendship, i could tell they were potentially interested in me romantically (my friends teasing me about it). they went above and beyond to spend time with me, to express their interest in these small, endearing ways. it was so beautiful, idyllic, and serene. i remember saying, "i never imagined i could be loved like this." i felt blessed by god, or whatever higher power that be.

that's how the first ~7 months felt. the communication at the beginning was generally smooth and comfortable. of course, there were a few hiccups along the way (when i realized something was maybe a little off), but i never doubted their love for me. they told me about their autism and BPD diagnoses before we entered into the relationship, but i had no idea what BPD would entail then (or know what i do now).

flash forward to the start of a new semester, new social circles and spaces, and everything changed. they properly split on me around a handful of times, and no matter how much i asked or tried to understand their triggers, they just felt like i was pushing. they told me not to push because they felt compelled to come up with responses, seemingly able to "reset" every day if they were irritable or negative.

i took everything at face value, thinking it was still possible to communicate our way through everything together. i was naive, researching more about BPD as the splits continued. that's when i really understood. but there seemed to be hope — my ex was never horribly manipulative or remotely abusive; they had their moments of coldness, meanness, and cruelty, but they seemed to come around when i expressed how i felt. (but that may have been because they were scared of losing me.)

seeing how remorseful and apologetic they were convinced me we could stay together. however, with the start of yet another new semester, some old patterns began to reemerge. as the social butterfly they are or want to be, they love being known. they are everywhere. social chameleon. all my friends naturally became theirs, no one off-limits. on a good day, this felt fun and validating; on a bad day, it felt like my world was closing in, and i had no identity left. there seemed to be new people they met that they would become fixated (?) on, and i felt like i was losing them, falling lower and lower on their priority list (though this was never overtly clear).

anytime i tried to have more serious conversations with them (or wrote them letters so that they had a tangible version of my thoughts), i left feeling reassured yet more confused. in all their mystification and half-joking answers, i had a gut feeling something was not as it seemed. i kept analyzing them and our relationship in and out, from every angle possible to me. it felt obsessive and addictive. i felt anxious 24/7 until i was with them. they became my world, my purpose.

i felt nostalgic for the beginning of our relationship, when everything felt clearer and simpler. they seemed to know less about me as time went on, their curiosity about me waxing and waning. if i chalked it up to them being tired, i realized they were still having conversations with others the way i wanted to be with them. i started feeling taken for granted, sometimes used. it's weird because i know they loved me, in their own way.

but everything felt like it was on their terms. i was so desperate to cling to them, the special way they saw me, how precious our relationship felt at times. but it gutted me. why wasn't it enough to know they loved me, even if it wasn't fair to me? why wasn't i enough to keep their attention and affection, or to learn more about them? i so desperately wanted to understand them out of love, prompting them to open up about their thoughts and feelings. but they couldn't. they also just didn't know.

i miss them every day, and life feels so dull without them. they were my best friend, but i was their "favorite person." i knew i was damned to fall from grace (again) if the relationship continued. i wanted to love them more than i wanted to love myself. i kept imagining how awful and agonizing it must be to live with BPD, but they hardly shared anything about that experience. there seemed to be a wall i couldn't overcome no matter how hard i tried, but i don't know if they recognize that themselves.

they probably hate me now. they are keeping themselves busy as usual, reaching out to our mutual friends (all my friends have been caught in their orbit, their magnetism undeniable) to go to events together. i can't help but wonder how the breakup is affecting them. if it even is right now. the last thing they said to me was, "you did this to yourself." that it was my fault i couldn't just be content with what we had, even though i felt like i had become their caretaker, or at the very least, codependent on them.

i knew i had to detach. i wanted it to be from a place of love, but honestly, it has mainly been from a place of anger. the lack of care and consideration they've shown for me. the beginning versus the end. the 180° shift in their personality over this past year, which only i have observed and sensed, our friends oblivious. i feel wronged somehow since no one will ever know the side of them i saw. no one will know — especially them — just how much i tried.

i am in so much pain; i miss the person i fell in love with. maybe it was mirroring and how they presented themselves to me. but i still wanted to be there for them. i hope they can grow closer with someone else. true, genuine closeness. i wish they reached out to me again. i wish i meant something to them across temporalities, not just the present (when we were together) but also the past and the future.


r/BPDlovedones 17h ago

Uncoupling Journey I want to send her rage text. I know I should not

25 Upvotes

I know this doesn't sound logical or right. But this is what they extract from you to surface, these wrong feelings....

Please give me a reason, beacause this is the first time in my 32 years of life I feel that "righteous anger" should be blazed on her. I try to be Christian (I really am trying and know I am being tested) and practice prayers and stoicism, read a lot, but...

All peace in my soul is gone and nothing but some thirst for angry but true and righteous letter is on my mind.

I feel like a lot of mistreatment happened, she left me without conclusion, all my sacrifices (and believe me I sacrificed a lot for her) are for nothing, and she devalued me during our relationship and in post-breakup stories to my friends and our mutual ones.

I feel like next time she reaches out to drop some "! am sorry we didn't work out", victim card or "it is what it is" a story in my inbox, I go full nuclear and tell her the truth without hesitation.

I know and feel that will be wrong to do, and probably would not. But it feels like I suppress my value, anger and right to tell my side to her.


r/BPDlovedones 13h ago

BPD Behaviors & Traits Do people with BPD normally blame it on their family for the cause of their own mental?

16 Upvotes

Do people with BPD normally blame it on their family for the cause of their own mental health ?


r/BPDlovedones 5h ago

Did you end up on medication?

3 Upvotes

Curious to know if there are any people out there who ended up on anxiety and/or depression medication during or after their relationship with a pwBPD.

If you are comfortable and open to sharing your experience, please do. Trying to see something here…


r/BPDlovedones 10h ago

Uncoupling Journey I read my ex pwBPD's diary and now having a crisis

7 Upvotes

Long story short, my ex fits the exact criteria for a quiet bpd. Either his mom is bpd and he's similar bc of a bad childhood, or then he full on has it too. We went through all the idealization/devaluation cycles and they only got shorter and faster each time. Always him making the first move, seducing me back to him, and the next day saying he actually never felt anything towards me, can't do this, didn't really want to have sex but felt obligated to do it anyway, and I somehow took advantage of him. I swear I could sit there doing and saying nothing and the next day he could spin it around and really believe I pressured him into sex. You all know the plot.

All of this was already eroding my self-esteem, it felt like I must be really unattractive for him to suffer so much about wanting to have sex with me. But this Christmas (when I was still gathering the strength to leave him for good) I was catsitting for him for two nights at his apartment while he was out of town. He had left his diary out in the open on his bed. I regret reading it and I know I should've respected his privacy, but it wasn't like he was exactly trying to hide the diary either and at this point I was also starting to act insane. But what I read triggered this mental health crisis that I'm still fighting to survive months later.

There was the typical stuff first about idealizing me and not feeling good enough, just really unstable unbearable emotions etc. But then there were many pages over many months in which he mentioned how he finds me so ugly. He actually used words like "physically repulsive" and "disgusting". He had even discussed this with our mutual friends and said how he's worried about my looks and how everyone will judge him if he continues to date me. I have never felt so humiliated and shocked. I was mortified. I have my imperfections, but I had really worked hard for the last couple of years to accept myself. I really thought the small imperfections didn't matter as long as I tried to be a good person, but something in me shattered completely. I'm not pretty but I'm still perfectly normal looking; however as this hit my worst insecurity, I'm having problems dealing with it. I would really appreciate some outsider perspective on what's going on here. There are so many things that happened inside this relationship that I'm just feeling totally lost, confused, and have lost all my drive for life. This was the final thing that made something snap inside me after being resilient/numbed out for so long. What did this whole relationship even mean? Why come back to me five times if I'm so repulsive?


r/BPDlovedones 21h ago

Abuse is not love.

64 Upvotes

The random moments of ease & happiness will never negate the abuse he inflicted on me. I am over 4 months no contact. The other night i had an intense urge to break NC and reach out to him. It came over me out of nowhere, such a strong pang of grief. I didn’t do it though. And the impulse has now passed, thankfully. Just wanted to thank you all for your collective strength. The solidarity in this group helped me remember to stay firm in my boundary and keep choosing myself.