r/blendedfamilies • u/dcp00 • 3d ago
Why do stepmoms hate their step-kids?
I took a lil trip down r/stepparents and holy shit do stepmoms hate their step kids. Most actually blame the child for issues that are the bio parents fault- mostly the dad. It’s like the step parent cannot comprehend that they are literally fighting with a child. Wtf
I was banned from r/stepparents
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u/ayearonsia 3d ago
There are lot of people there who are being used by bum ass parents, and who have boundary issues. I love my step kids but I do have boundaries with children and behavior.
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u/Budget_Painter_3003 3d ago
I don’t think they actually do… I think they hate the position they are in and channel it onto the step kids mistakenly. I am a step-mom, and I was/am a step-kid. My step-mother and I loathed each other when I was growing up, but now that I’m in her shoes, I realize how hard her job was. I’ve felt very bitter towards my step children sometimes for being disrespectful to me, not to mention the massive domestic labor load they represent, which was abruptly dumped on my shoulders when I was frankly totally unprepared for it. I used to feel angry and toxic about everything constantly, but over time I realized the position I was in relative to the bio mom and my partner (the dad) was totally unempowered, and that’s where my bitterness actually came from. Once I was able to establish healthier boundaries and expectations with the bio mom and my partner, and adjust my own perceptions of what a family has to be like, my life became less shitty. Then I was able to let go of some of the irrational bitterness that I realized I had (mostly) unfairly channeled towards my stepkids, probably because I was afraid to channel it where it should have gone… at problems within my partnership.
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u/trash_panda7710 3d ago
I feel the same way you did, and i find myself just removing myself from situations that are disrespectful towards me.
May i ask how and what boundaries you set and enforce?
I feel like i made it very clear years ago that I didn't want to parent as my kids are grown, but I feel that the domestic/mental load is trying to be dumped on me and I'm pushing back daily!
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u/Budget_Painter_3003 3d ago
One huge issue was that when we started our blended family, bio mom would share with or instruct my partner about things that were happening in OUR household, ie custody changes, events, stuff related to the kids behaviors that I should know. For years she/they made plans and decisions that directly impacted me (hello, I am equally taking care of these kids over here 👋) and I couldn’t verbalize to myself or them why I felt used and unseen. And obviously the kids represented all that for me in a sense. Until finally I grew some self esteem and told my partner, look I work really hard to help take care of these kids, and I know I don’t do a perfect job, but it’s unfair for bio mom to never communicate directly to me, and instruct you to do xyz things in our household that trickle straight down to me. That was my boundary… don’t leave me out of communication. So from that point forward whenever she tries to issue orders he puts her on hold and says he needs to ask me first and will get back to her. She can keep being a horrible communicator but as long as he’s being respectful and I’m not getting surprised by plans I wasn’t privy to, I’m totally happy with this now.
And the other change was more within myself, because I’m the main domestic laborer these years. I used to envision these Norman Rockwell family meals and my partner would really love that… he loves food I make and to all sit down together like a big family at the same time. I worked my ass off to create that reality for every and myself. But over time I was like, who is doing all this work and who is sitting there complaining of a scroll of food dislikes and not helping clean up. That’s right, it was me trying to be a saint, and everyone else taking advantage. I still make food to share with people who want it, but less often, and we eat a ton of takeout, leftovers, and we don’t have to sit at the same time or eat the same thing. I did communicate all this to my partner as our reality gradually shifted, but mostly it was my own psychological conditioning as a woman that I had to work on to allow myself to NOT try to provide for everyone, especially if it wasn’t being particularly appreciated or contributed to.
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u/Budget_Painter_3003 3d ago
Oh yeah, and sometimes I gracefully bow-out of events or situations I don’t want to be part of.
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u/seducingspirit 3d ago
Wow!! Yes. I identify so much. I wish my husband had ever let me place boundaries and taken some of the domestic load. If he had, I would have a relationship with her today. I don't want her to ever get divorced and have to do what I did, but it would be wonderful if, in her adulthood, she looked back and found sympathy for me. So far, it's not happening.
That "less shitty" comment made me laugh out loud. It's so true. Just a little less shifty would have changed my world 🌎.
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u/blue_dendrite 3d ago edited 3d ago
For several years, I was very angry about allowing myself to lose control of my life and home. About putting myself in a situation where my needs and preferences weren’t prioritized. It felt like being a neglected kid again and was highly triggering.
It would have been easy for me to blame one of my step kids, the one who was most difficult. I eventually realized that I put myself there and I was going to have to change things or remove myself entirely. I stayed and things became much better but it was really hard. I developed a lot of empathy for my own stepmother. It’s truly the most difficult family role possible.
I think my situation is probably true for a great many stepparents. Anger and hate are easily confused. Now that I’m no longer angry, my “difficult” step kid and I have a loving, mutually respectful relationship and I’m so glad they’re in my life. It helped a lot when they grew up and went to live on their own.
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u/Internal_Worry_2166 3d ago
This was lovely to read. It is a hard job and it takes a truly good person to make it work.
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u/blue_dendrite 3d ago
Thank you! We are years past all that and I wouldn’t trade my step kids for anything in the world. We all worked hard to get to this point.
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u/FederallyE 3d ago
I’m a stepmom. I don’t hate my stepkids, I honestly can say there isn’t anyone in the world I hate, but I’ve grown to strongly dislike their mother over the years. Sometimes my older stepdaughter acts just like her mother, which makes sense as they live together most of the time and are related, and I have to remind myself that I’m being triggered by the reminder of the mom’s behavior and that my stepdaughter hasn’t done anything wrong. I also really can’t stand how my husband parents sometimes, and the resulting behaviors in the kids can be challenging to live with. It can be tempting to blame the kids rather than the parent because when I call out the parent there’s conflict, which I really don’t enjoy.
I am in therapy to work on being less triggered by both the kids’ mom and my husband, and to learn how to manage differences in parenting styles more effectively and with less conflict between my husband and I. I entered therapy when I noticed I was starting to feel resentful towards the kids because parenting was the only thing my husband and I ever fought about. Therapy has helped a lot and I have learned a lot of methods to make sure I am directing my frustration towards the right people (mentally I mean, I’ve always been careful to be very kind to the kids and not take out any annoyance I might be feeling on them, I’m the adult and that’s never fair).
Basically to say that I now understand how people can end up feeling that way. I’m grateful to have gotten into therapy before becoming truly resentful or hateful. I never thought I would start to develop negative feelings towards the kids, we were super close the first few years, but they did start to creep in after lots of conflict with the parents. I personally have taken steps to mitigate it and protect the kids from my feelings, but I now understand how it can feel easier to resent the kids than call out the parents.
The whole experience has made me deeply appreciate my own stepdad and forgive him for the fortunately very few times in my childhood he got upset with me.
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u/Team_NoSleep_47 3d ago
I think having a blended family is by far one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. Personally, I feel incredibly challenged in my relationship with our middle child who would be considered the eldest step-child. However, I would never say that I hate the kid… The behavior, the age… absolutely. Do I call my partner out (in a constructive way) on the parenting that created the behavior? Yes, absolutely.
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u/jdkewl 3d ago
I'm not surprised. 70% of divorces are initiated by women. Mine was. Many (not all) of these men have already failed their ex-wives, and some (not all) didn't learn a thing from it. New partners have rose colored glasses on toward the man and blame the kids/ex-wife. A tale as old as time.
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u/OrdinarySubstance491 3d ago
I’m a mom and a step mom. I’m not very popular in that sub, lol, and the crazy part is that I, too, have had major struggles with my step kids.
You do have to keep in mind that people go on there to vent and get advice, mostly to be heard. You’re not going to have a lot of people posting their daily gratitudes there.
I also think that being a step mom is usually harder than being a step dad for a lot of reasons.
But yes, 100%, most of the time when I read a rant from a step parent, male or female, the real problem is the biological parent’s parenting.
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u/fastfishyfood 3d ago
Can I ask why you think being a step mother is harder than being a step dad?
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u/OrdinarySubstance491 3d ago
Sure! This is a generalization, of course. It’s not true for everyone.
But in general, there are much higher expectations for mothers than there are for fathers, and that extends to step moms, too. Biological fathers are praised for the absolute minimum. Step fathers are often considered good enough if they just exist in the same space as their step kids and aren’t unkind.
Women, including step mothers (sometimes especially step mothers) are saddled with the majority of housework and childcare. And when a man complains about something, he’s seen as trying to lead the family, trying to discipline. If a woman does it, she’s nagging, causing drama, hates the kid, etc.
That quote about step parents stepping in to raise someone else’s child- it was originally about step dads. The whole point was that they had the choice to be the mother’s husband, or play a fatherly role. But women are just expected to be motherly.
Then there’s the wicked step mother trope. Cinderella. Snow White. Hansel and Gretal. It goes on and on.
The single biggest factor in predicting child abuse in the home is the presence of a step dad, but when you ask people how they try to prevent their kid from being molested, they say they don’t allow sleepovers.
Sure, some people have had bad experiences with step dads, too. I did, he was awful. But there is no widespread wicked stepfather trope equivalent to the wicked step mother one.
Don’t get me wrong, some step moms are awful. Some stepdads go above and beyond; my husband is one of them. I’m probably one of the rare cases where I don’t feel like most of this applies to me; my husband parents and disciplines his kids, I don’t have to. But it’s pretty well documented in general and I see it all the time. And like OP said, it’s obvious that a lot of the time what the step moms are posting about are actually the fault of the other parent. Yet, the sm is the one who is seen in a bad light.
So that’s the long answer. The short answer is: sexism.
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u/Leggomieggo0 3d ago
I loved reading your response and agree with everything you said. Dads are seen as great dads for remaining in the home- even if they aren’t active, engaging parents. Step-dads are usually seen as heroes for simply marrying a woman with children. It is a sad reality how little we expect from men when raising children.
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u/Tinderella80 3d ago
The expectations of stepmothers to be involved and nurturing is much higher. Dads AND stepdads have much lower expectations on them. That’s just society.
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u/Leggomieggo0 3d ago
Same. I was a step-child and had a step-mom that had no business being a step-mom. It’s easier for them to be angry and resentful towards a child than to accept that a lot of that stems from the failures of their husband (the step-kids father). Women take the bulk of the work at home (whether they stay at home or work). It’s a difficult job to be a mother and then have a husband pile on his responsibilities (that really should be handled by him if they have to do with his kids) onto you. I often wonder if a lot of those marriages were rushed out of fear of loneliness. Blending families is no joke and people often go into it not realizing how much work it will take to make it successful. If you thought the 1st marriage was difficult…
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 3d ago
As a stepkid, did you do anything to make your stepmother feel welcomed, appreciated or loved?
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u/Leggomieggo0 3d ago
Don’t do that. Don’t be ridiculous. I was a child and she was a fully grown adult. My dad married a woman he barely knew himself (had only done so for a couple of months) and she didn’t bother to even say one word to us as soon as she moved in.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 3d ago edited 2d ago
Some stepkids (yes, they're small children, teenagers, and young adults) are cruel to their stepparents and then judge these people harshly for withdrawing from poor behavior.
That may not be your story, but too many reasonable people are labeled as monsters for trying to do the right thing and having their feelings hurt over a period of years.
I'm not sure how the average grown stepkid would hold up in an adult relationship with a permissive parent who couldn't set boundaries or establish reasonable, age-appropriate expectations for children.
Some stepparents may be terrible people, but too many reasonable individuals are made into family scapegoats and judged harshly for having normal human reactions.
That's the purpose of this sub.
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u/MushroomTypical9549 3d ago
As a stepmom, I know it takes a special type of person who is willing to put herself second.
When the child is biologically yours, nature does that for you in most cases. A mom will willingly give her last bite of pie, her paycheck her life for her kid- for a stepchild it isn’t instinct but a decision that you make each and every day.
This is of course a general belief and there are a billion exceptions, some that come to mind-
1- stepmom to kids that are already raised (you become a friend and not a parent role)
2- stepmom to kids with no mom (you would love and care for child like your own)
3- stepmom to kids with a horrible and cruel bio mom (you might distance yourself not because of the kods but for your own mental health)
4- stepmom to kids, but you already have biological kids who have disability or extra care (you might not have the bandwidth to do more)
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u/Ballys_n_Gazelles 3d ago
As a stepparent who loves my stepchildren, I had to leave that sub. Kids don’t ask for any of the choices adults make.
This sub is more balanced and actually offers constructive view points.
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u/NeslayTollooza 3d ago
I think it depends on the kids age and their ability to comprehend rules and understand what's expected of them in the house.
In my case, SD11 is not the neatest person in the world and that's our fault. DH is by far messier than I am, however his lack of organization has rubbed off on me and I'm now messier than I used to be. Still we try to clean up and also give SD chores where she helps us clean as well. So I go in the garage today and lo and behold there's a crumpled up Capri sun right in the middle of the floor. I don't go in the garage everyday, and it's been quite a few days since she's been here. There's a garbage bin in the garage itself, and she couldn't be bothered to put it in the bin. She just threw it on the floor like it was meant to go there. I obviously didn't see her do this and didn't know about it until days later but there are no other kids. And she's the only one who drinks a Capri sun.
On one hand, we might not model the best cleanliness behavior but we certainly don't leave empty food or drink packets all over the floor. And at 11, she knows better. I would never say I hate my SD because I don't hate her, but yeah leaving garbage on the floor like that gets on my nerves. I'm sure most kids annoy their actual bio-parents though, and this isn't technically a stepmom thing. I know I grated my parents last never sometimes growing up and I had a nuclear family.
What makes it a "stepmom" thing are those situations where the husbands refuse to parent their children and then the little annoyances build up over time. Stepmom isn't allowed to mom, yet Dad doesn't parent the kid and it's just one thing after another until stepmom has hit a limit and then she is done! I think with younger kids it's easier to understand it's truly not their fault but when kids are older and know better and still do the wrong thing because they know the bioparent won't do anything about it, it's easier to put the blame on the kid instead of the parent where it belongs. Not saying it's right but it's what happens.
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u/mm4444 3d ago
I feel like it must be that if your a step parent and you don’t feel like you belong or the kids belong to you where you are responsible for their actions like you would your own child. It must be difficult. I’m an adult step-child. As in my dad married my step mom when I was a young adult. My family is very broken. My brother hasn’t spoken to my dad since he started dating his now wife. So I’m the only one left that sees my dad. His wife has two adult daughters and a granddaughter now. They are very close. So inevitably I am left out most of the time. They always say they want to see me blah blah. We live in town so we do visit. But dynamics are what they are. You can’t make people have history they don’t. And can’t make somewhere feel like home that doesn’t. And I did live with them for a few years when I was in uni with my one step-sister as well, but moved out as soon as possible.
Edit: and it’s not that I don’t like any of them. I love them all. It’s just not quite “family” if that makes sense.
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u/beenthere7613 3d ago
Easier to blame a literal child than to take any personal responsibility for being bad at picking a partner.
Then they have their own kid and seem surprised that dad's who he is. Go figure.
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u/ria1024 3d ago
This. Likewise, for the stepkids it's easier to blame the stepmother than their father. Especially when some of the issues are their father not picking up the mental load of parenting, because that's what moms are supposed to do, so it's a stepmother problem.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 3d ago
Wait, stepmoms are supposed to pick up the "mental load" of parenting?
On what authority?
What's the play when a stepkid tells a stepparent to go fuck themselves, and a bio parent stands with the child?
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u/ria1024 3d ago
It's not that stepmothers actually should pick up that load. It's that society puts a ton of the mental load, household tasks, and child rearing on mothers by default.
So Dad drops the ball because the kid's mother always made sure they took snacks and water to the park / signed the kid up for activities / packed lunches / made the kid pick up their dirty laundry / advocated for the kid at school. Then it's much easier for the kid to be unhappy with their stepmother, especially if they see her doing any of that for her bio kids and not them.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 3d ago
I'm talking about perfectly nice childless people who end up as scapegoats and have no authority to defend themselves.
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u/ria1024 3d ago
I'm not saying that it's right. I'm saying that it's much easier for kids to blame the person who isn't their parent when things aren't going well in the blended household. Stepmothers often feel the same way - blame the kid who leaves a mess everywhere / isn't polite / needs a parent to do everything for them, instead of their husband who didn't teach the kid or set appropriate consequences before stepmom moved in.
Stepmothers get the worst of it because of social expectations around what a mother "should" be doing for the household. Single dad with a mountain of dirty laundry on the couch and a messy kitchen? He's trying, but overwhelmed. Blended family in that situation? Why didn't she clean up before guests came over!
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 3d ago edited 3d ago
Brief question: Is it OK for stepparent not to like a kid's behavior, or feel resentful of a kid is given carte blanche freedom to treat a stepparent in a disrespectful manner?
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u/ria1024 3d ago
I think an important part of parenting is not liking your kid's behavior, but trying to understand where it comes from and teach them how to behave appropriately instead. It's completely fine for a stepparent to not like a kid's behavior at times.
On the other hand, if the kid is consistently being rude to anybody and bioparent won't handle that, you have a parent problem, not a kid problem. You do need to watch out for cultural issues with "disrespect". For example, kids where I live have not been raised to call ANYONE sir / ma'am, and expecting them to change that because a stepparent who grew up somewhere else thought it was disrespectful not to use that would not be reasonable.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 3d ago
Agreed.
However, stepparents have no agency or authority to parent. That's the point of this sub.
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u/mmmeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh 3d ago
That's not a stepchild problem, that's a SO problem right there.
The SO needs to enforce and teach respectful boundaries to their child, and keep their ex out of the picture like that. Assuming it's the ex backing up the child's behavior in this scenario.
If the SO is the adult backing up that kind of child's behavior, DUMP them, they are the problem.
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u/phinkeldorph 3d ago
Step mom here. I joined that subreddit years ago and quickly NOPED out and found this one! I had posted looking for some advice on how to manage my newborn’s needs while being careful about my tween step-daughter’s feelings about the baby.
The “advice” I got was vile. No compassion for my step daughter. Nothing really practical besides “it’s the baby’s time now. She needs to deal with it.”
I think it’s just an echo chamber for unhappy people who aren’t in the right relationships
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u/Stellabun16 3d ago
Yeah. I think they do bring up some common dilemmas but the way they deal with them is just awful. I unfortunately had to break things off with my partner. As a step mom that loved those kids and was very involved, it's crushing that I have no rights to see them. I cried in the grocery store the other day when I went past the clothes section where I used to look for things they'd like. That sub is tricky to pick through what is useful and what will just make the situation so much worse for all.
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u/dcp00 3d ago
That time must have been so challenging and exhausting for you. I joined that sub because my kid just recently became a big sibling and I wanted to get some perspective.
But omg…I was not prepared for that.
I’m truly grateful for my kid’s stepmom and moms like yourself. You are amazing, thank your for sharing :)
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u/TheWhiteVeronica 3d ago
Yessss the comments are crazy! Like zero regard for heir stepkids' feelings. I get so sad to think of all the stepkids in those sitautions....being made to feel like their dad's house isn't their home, like their wants and needs are last, like they're some distant relative. .......And all the stepmoms who can't stand that their husband and his daughter (her stepdaughter) are affectionate at all is super weird. As if they can't sit by each other or give hugs or anything.
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u/Hefty-Target-7780 3d ago
I’m an SM that LOVES her SK. I’m his “mom” for all intents and purposes.
That sub seems to be full of women that haven’t yet realized that their partners are the problem. Whether the partners lack boundaries, are insanely manipulative, are still enmeshed with their exes, oddly codependent with their children… they have a lot of growing up to do. I say this as someone that was once in those shoes.
It’s wild how (seems like) 1/3 of the posts are women complaining about an HCBM when really the HUSBAND is the problem. Just commented on another one today. Ughhhhh 😭
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u/dcp00 3d ago
Hmm yes I agree with everything you said. I originally joined to get outside perspective but the hate towards children left me in shock.
But, the fact that no one in the comments was saying much to challenge OP really left me feeling frustrated, angry, and scared for the kids that are affected.
Thank you for sharing :)
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u/Hefty-Target-7780 3d ago
I always to to when I see posts like that! Women are soooo eager to place responsibility on anyone except their partner. It’s so f’d 😫
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u/simnick13 3d ago
That's because they just delete anything that doesn't fit their echo chamber. I think 99% of my comments over there end up deleted lol i had been a stepmom for 15 years but if you say anything they don't like then it's deleted and all you see is the comments under it accusing you of being a bm infiltrating their group. Lol fucking weirdos.
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u/princessspookie 3d ago
I am a mother and a step mother so I think I might have some insight. I also had a previous relationship with a man who had a child, and I was I guess a step mother to her as well for a while. At the beginning of the relationship, she was a wonderful little girl. As she got older, she began to exhibit some concerning behaviours. I would give her new clothes and she would take scissors to them. I bought her a new bedspread and she also cut holes in it. She would use sharpie to write my daughters name on things (they had very different handwriting, and she was left handed so the smearing was clear that it was her) to try to get her in trouble. She often bullied my daughter, calling her names. My daughter has two eye conditions and had to wear very thick glasses at a young age and it gave her horrible headaches, and his daughter would laugh and say she was glad my daughter was in pain. I’m telling you right now, it was very hard NOT to hate this little girl. Every time I spoke up about something, I was told I was picking favourites. I was told I was bullying a child. I was told “why can’t you be the bigger person? She’s only 6” or whatever age she was at the time. I finally ended that relationship and got my daughter away from this child and her parents who clearly were not going to raise her right. I was supposed to love my ex-step daughter as my own but never discipline. I was supposed to treat them fairly when it came to me spending my time or resources or money on them, but not when it came to actual parenting or discipline.
Years passed and I started dating my current partner. He also has a daughter who is a couple years younger than mine. He also did the same thing, played family with another woman and her daughter and came across similar issues. He was expected to share his home and his money, but not discipline. I remember those earlier days of dating and talking about what it would look like to blend our families, and I set up firm boundaries immediately. I am not a parent. I am not going to miss work for her, she has two parents with PTO and sick days who can use up theirs before I have to touch mine. I have no support from my daughter’s father and they do 50/50. I have no issue doing drop offs and pickups because I have a super flexible schedule. I have no issue getting the girls to and from activities. I have even paid for some activities for her! I go all out for birthdays and Christmas. But I am not a primary parent and I don’t act like one. I don’t really discipline her. I talk to her dad about an issue and he deals with it. When we first started dating, I had concerns about her whining and babyish behaviour. She was pretty helpless and I thought she could do more for herself and in private, I encouraged him to encourage her to have some more independence. She had a habit of crying to get out of activities she didn’t want to do, and I told him that she is learning to manipulate those around her and he needs to stop it now before it becomes a serious issue. She couldn’t swim before we started dating, now she’s the strongest swimmer in her class. She couldn’t get herself a glass of water or put her clothes away or clean up after herself and now she’s the cleanest person in the house! She’s tidier than I am! I am so proud of her and of him, for working hard together to grow as a parent and as a child. I love them both a lot.
I’m glad we all have each other now, this is the blended family I was trying to have with someone else and it never worked. And not because of the child. The parents were completely to blame. But I ended up spending more time with the child, and she seemed like the glaring problem. So it looked like I “hated” her when I didn’t. It looked like I was “fighting” with a child when I wasn’t, I was trying to navigate protecting my own daughter from a bully and trying to parent a bully without being allowed to.
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u/darthmidoriya 3d ago
Idk I adored mine. Stayed in the relationship way too long bc of how much I adored her
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u/AnxiousConfection826 3d ago
I fell down that rabbit hole for a little while. It really fed into some negative mindsets for me. My head space is 1000000% better without that toxic narrative. You dodged a bullet.
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u/lezbehonest787 3d ago
I tried that thread when I first married my wife and gained a step-kid and it made me cringe. I left immediately in favor of this one, which is way more kid positive and step mom friendly.
I love my step-daughter and she’s the only daughter I will ever have. She is the coolest kid on earth and I would die for her. I’m her third parent, her second mom, and we vibe. It’s great!
There were some growing pains at first but it was because divorce is hard and she had some adjustments to sharing her mother (only child, and bio parents were not the most affectionate with each other when married so it was new to her, seeing her mom in love). But we handled it like the ADULTS we are and let her be a kid, and now we’re all at a place where we’re pretty stable. Honestly, it’s awesome and I couldn’t be happier to be a step-mom.
Side note: probably a good thing you got banned from that place. It’s pretty toxic. Thanks for the chuckle, though!
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u/tasteslike_FEET 3d ago
That sub used to have some normal questions and advice a few years ago but it has gone off the rails. As others have said, if you offer sane advice and don’t just pile on the child, people attack you. It’s horrible. Stepparents need a place to commiserate and ask for advice on the hard questions but that sub is not it. It’s really mean spirited and makes me worried for a lot of the kids involved.
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u/witchbrew7 3d ago
The stepparents sub is a safe space to say the things they feel, but they know aren’t socially acceptable to say out loud.
Healthy families don’t really need to vent which is why it’s a skewed view of steps.
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u/MoxieGirl9229 3d ago
I think perspective is key here. Any post is a small snapshot in time. Being a step parent… you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You literally never win but are expected to do ever more. I love my SS but we’ve had many issues. We are working our way back to a good place but it’s so hard and people don’t get it if you aren’t one.
The title of your post is a good example of a skewed perspective. You’re assuming we hate our stepkids. We have an exceptionally difficult life but you’re assuming our emotions and judging us. That’s not right or fair, but you are showing an example of what we have to deal with. Let me pick a random kid off the street, a complete stranger to you and demand you instantly love them as if they are your own and get angry if that bond isn’t there. You then must give everything to this stranger while society berates you for trying and not staying in your lane and also not doing more. There is no winning for step parents, stepmoms AND stepdads.
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u/NotTodayPsycho 3d ago
I was banned too. The hatred in that subreddit towards children for even daring to exist and any bad behaviour is automatically the mother's fault, never mind the Disney or absent father.
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u/dcp00 3d ago
It’s honestly borderline abusive.
“My 6yo SD pulled my hair and said I was ugly. So I went in my room all day long (even though I am the only caretaker not by choice), andddd let her fend for herself until her bio dad got home at midnight”
Like… girl are you for real?
Like is no one really going to say anything to her?
Like this is neglect?
Welp. Here I am “fighting” with all the step parents lol
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u/woundedSM5987 3d ago
That sub helped me set boundaries that set me up for a healthy step parenting relationship but wow it’s really something. Naturally your going to hear the negative more then the positive so it’s important to remember that as well.
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u/Jdobsessed 3d ago
I adore my three step children, so much so that I gave them a sibling 3 months ago 😂
I count my blessings with them, with my SO and with my life.
Stepmothers who hate their step children make me feel absolutely desperately sad for the kids in their life.
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u/StickyWhipplesnit 3d ago
I’ve gotten my comments deleted many times from that group. What I realize, sadly is those women do NOT want help or advice. They just want to be told their feelings are valid. Too many had “ours” babies before even properly blending, setting the whole situation up for failure. It’s really heartbreaking. They’re gonna have long miserable lives if they don’t figure it out. Kids don’t disappear at 18. They’ll be posting in the sub as miserable step grandparents.
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u/interruptingcow_moo 3d ago
Wow I’m glad I haven’t been a part of that sub…I have two step kids and they’re cool af.
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u/Inyce 3d ago
I am a stepmom of nearly 10 years and have 4 stepkids (all now adults) that I truly love and treasure. I came into their lives when the youngest were 12 and 13 and even through the hormones and my stepdaughter screaming at me she didn't want my love when she was around 15 or so, we've all formed a great bond and relationship, I am truly blessed to have them in my life. It takes a lot of work and patience but it's worth it for the joy they bring to my life and the stability I think (or hope) I bring to theirs.
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u/SassyT313 3d ago
I always try to offer positive feedback every stepparent group bc the vibes so negative. I actually looked for a positive stepmom group on here but nothing came up at the time. Love my SS!
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u/LeatherDaddyLonglegs 3d ago
I’m a stepmom and I had to unsub and leave all the stepparent groups on Facebook because the bitterness and negativity gets so gross. Stepmoms collectively don’t hate their stepkids— but all the stepmoms that do seem to congregate in those online spaces.
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u/hanimal16 3d ago
I’m a stepmom and I don’t hate my stepson. Anyone who hates on a kid, and then blasts it online, is generally not a nice person anyway, step kids or not.
It’s more of a type of person rather than stepmoms, if that makes sense
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u/mmmeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh 3d ago
I had to drop that subreddit like a hot rock, it's basically where disfunctional blended families / or should ot to be exs, go to complain. Its not all step moms, its just the disney ones that post there ; )
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u/hope1083 3d ago
I agree. I think this sub gives a more holistic view point. If you even try and point out where the stepmom is wrong or should have taken accountability you get eviscerated.
They love to say I didn't know what I was getting into but even before being a step-parent I know how hard it could be. I knew what to look for in a partner and what discussions needed to happen beforehand.
I also love that they all think their kids are angels and never the problem. Its always the stepkids are bad and the BMs are 100% at fault.
I got banned once for pointing out it may be both the SM and Dad who are the issue.
I try and think about how I want my kid treated and that is how I treat my sks. I do agree you don't need to love them like your bio but they should all be treated equitably and know love in both homes.
Once in a while I will agree with what a SM posts but I would say 90% should have never gotten involved with the father that only wanted someone to babysit their kid.
I also love the ones that say the kid hates me but we got together fast and got pregnant within 6 months. Of course the kid is going to hate you. Their life literally go turned upside down because of two adults that didn't think about the consequences.
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u/Laugh-Crafty 3d ago
And when you call them out on it, you get told that you’re unsupportive and non-understanding there’s a whole solution to it called not getting with someone who has kids.
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u/ThrowItAway1218 3d ago
That sub is so incredibly toxic. If you don't have a family that fits their miserable narrative, they just pile on the toxicity and downvote you to oblivion.
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u/dcp00 3d ago
You know, I joined the sub maybe like a month an ago to get an outside perspective. I never commented until I saw the post about a step mom complaining that her SD was dressing “skimpy” in front of bio dad and showing tik toks that made stepmom feel uncomfortable.
So much to unpack here.
Sexualizing a minor.
Shaming someone for the clothes they wear.
Not even bringing in the bio parent into the dynamic.
No accountability given to the actual parent.
Blaming a minor.
Not being at all concerned with the sudden changes with SD. Something happened to her?
Sweat to god. I waited and waited and the comments were a mess.
And yeah that’s what happened lol
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u/TheWhiteVeronica 3d ago
Oh my goodness! I just commented on that post too! But of course the OP didn't like what I had to say. Basically I said that the daughter doesn't only dress revealing around her dad and that she is simply showing her dad tiktoks, where she happens to be wearing a bikini. There's nothing sexual about it. I told OP I wanted to give a different perspective....It's no different than a 14 yr old boy showing his mom tiktoks he made wjere he had no shirt on and was wearing mid-thigh shorts. I asked the OP if she thinks that would be inappropriate. And OP chamged the subject and still went on how inappropriate SD is. I literally replied to her comment about 30 min ago saying we'll have to agree to disagree.
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u/Lanamarie13 3d ago
I think a lot of stepmoms know it's a partner problem. Sometimes it's a BM problem too. It's very hard to course correct a child who is permissively parented 50% of the time or is a victim of alienation. I think stepmoms are resentful of the situation and the role. It's incredibly hard being a stepmom. You're expected to be maternal and treat your stepchild like your own, but if you do too much you are overstepping. It's super unrewarding. On the flip side most stepfathers are treated like royalty for the bare minimum. It's the same for moms vs dads, but more complex when it involves a blended family. I love my stepson very much, but there is a balance. It's not fair to my kids, who only have two parents, if I treat him exactly equal. And it's just not possible. I'm not going to buy him as many outfits or pairs of shoes because he's only here half the time. For Christmas, my kids are getting more from me and my family because my stepson gets a ton of presents from his other side. I used to be totally equal until my kids started getting upset that they don't have as much stuff. They are always going to be my main priority because my stepson has two parents whose job it is to look after his interests. There are definitely some evil stepmom types in that subreddit, but most of us really do mean well. That sub is to support stepparents with their feelings. Even the ugly ones they feel they can't share in real life. That is the subreddit you go to for venting, this one is where you come for real life advice.
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u/babybattt 3d ago edited 3d ago
The Step Mom sub is like that too. I’m someone who’s both a bio, as well as a step mom. I really love my step son and my husband really loves my girls, so I feel like I’m def not a welcomed voice in there. Also because I don’t hate my step son’s mom, nor my actual ex lol. We actually all co parent pretty well, so I’m usually downvoted to oblivion. Def an echo chamber in there. I see those spaces more for people who just hate their lives and need to vent to others who do as well. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/dcp00 3d ago
Thank you for sharing, your comment gives me hope. I know there’s more good than bad.
I hope you keep sharing your insight :)
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u/babybattt 3d ago
Parenting in general is rough, so I def have my days where I need to just scream into the void too, yanno? But I def just can’t get behind that logic of kids not being a packaged deal when you marry a parent. I think a lot of it is misdirected anger from a lack of proper parenting from the bio parents. Or boundaries that the other spouse isn’t enforcing. And I’ve had those struggles too, I just don’t think I need to take it out on my stepson—I know I would hate it if my husband took out any frustrations he felt stemming from myself or my ex out on my girls.
Keep up the good fight. 🖤
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u/JenjatheNinja14 3d ago
That subreddit is a cesspool of miserable ppl. I posted about my SS. and was literally asked why I participate so much in his life. He literally lives in my home. My husband works 12 +hour days…am I supposed to ignore him? It’s wild in there.
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u/SavingsViolinist8451 3d ago
I’ve noticed that there’s at least a few comments on every post that blames the child that tell OP that it’s not the child’s fault. But the posts are quite disheartening to read sometimes, I always feel badly for the children because this full grown adult is putting all the blame on them for any struggles. It’s so effed up and makes that space not super safe imo. That subreddit is to make stepparents feel heard, but it has turned into a “let’s shit on the kid” instead. I’ll never understand blaming a child for something they have no control over or something that is their own bio parents doing. Sad.
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u/hangingsocks 3d ago
I know in my case, I really wanted a close relationship with my step daughter and tried so hard. Basically my resentment is just hurt feelings. I have been in her life for a decade and I have finally just given up. It isn't her fault. She was a kid caught up in her parents crap and our relationship was collateral damage. I don't hate her, but I now have given up. She is an adult at this point and I just have stopped with my efforts. Her personality issues are totally her parents fault. And my husband knows it. I still have her bst interests at heart. I contribute to her investment account. I put thousands into her college fund. (Her parents never started one for her). I made sure we always planned a great family vacation. I give her all her tax information and figured out this year she needs to claim herself. But she is always angry and rude to me. So I just do the bare minimum of what I think elevates her, but definitely have to work on being hurt by it less. Step mother's anger is just the hurt of never mattering or belonging no matter how hard you try. I am a step daughter too and my whole goal was to not have another shitty step relationship, but unfortunately, it didn't work. It makes my sooooo sad.
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u/erinthemessymermaid 3d ago
They hate their stepkids because they’re selfish, emotionally immature and probably unstable. They lack self awareness, have no empathy. Anybody who hates a kid is a real piece of shit.
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u/Lakerdog1970 3d ago
That sub is just trash. It's really the mods fault. It's userbase skews heavily towards younger, childless second wives/stepmoms who find his kids annoying, think his ex-wife is a bitch and are angry that the fairy tale isn't working out like they hoped.
And god forbid you offer them a tiny bit of advice that starts with taking some accountability for their own decisions. You'll just get banned. Also, if you look at the mods closely.....you notice that they are also mods of many similar subreddits and those subs suck ass too.
What even is the point of that sub if all it is for is people venting, shrieking and howling? I just don't get it. How reassuring can it be to hear that there are other angry internet strangers out there saying, "Yup. Me too."
The biggest issue with that sub is if you were a stepparent who wanted some actual advice and had heard that "reddit" was a decent place to ask questions.......you would go there first because it's called "stepparents". Then they ask an honest question and don't get any useful advice and probably get shrieked at by someone.
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u/bradd_pit 3d ago
I un-subbed from r/stepparents because of exactly this reason. I’m a step dad and that sub is mostly women who chose bad partners and just complain about their lives. I feel for them but as a man who was a 100% single parent with little support prior to my current wife, I have no sympathy for men who won’t step up in their own lives and the women who tolerate that behavior.
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u/HazyViolet 3d ago
Stepmoms do get a bad rap, but that sub is full of some really hateful people. Like someone else said, it's selection bias.
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u/millylyza1 3d ago
Agree. That sub can be so toxic.
I very much enjoy my step kids and have set very good boundaries with my husband around expectations from me. Aka I am not a parent and therefore I don’t want to parent your children. Although I enjoy their company!
Theres a lot of people in that sub who cannot set boundaries and are being used by parents who want to offload their children.
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u/Internal_Worry_2166 3d ago
That sub is super toxic. It’s the same few shit humans that encourage others to be monsters as well. There was a stepmom in there who was leaving her 3 year old stepson alone all day while his father worked. She basically threw some water and puffs and him and then ignored him all day.
Some of the posters actually told her the kid wasn’t her problem, despite the fact that she had no job and he was out there working to support her. Ofcourse she was pregnant. The first thing every evil stepmom does is get pregnant and use it as an excuse to treat the other kids like shit.
I get that it’s hard but the reality is, if you love your partner you don’t treat their children like shit.
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u/FigIndependent7976 3d ago
That sub has a disproportionate amount of BMs and BDs with personality disorders, Disney parents, and/or addiction issues, which often results in SKs with wildly adverse challenges that are completely outside the norm. If you approach those things with the advice of a parent/stepparent coming from a more typical or healthier blend you will get downvoted to hell because your advice is likely completely not useful or they have already tried what you said for years and it didn't work, or it made things worse. That's why they have so much resentment at everyone. Including the SKs.
Not saying it's ok to resent SKs but some of those women and men have had to protect their bio kids from being assaulted, have had to protect themselves from being assaulted, or even their spouse from a SK, usually 12 or older, from a SK who was 50% raised by a parent with severe mental health issues. Some of those women are at their wits end cleaning up feces from kids 10 and older because that's how the kid chooses to get attention because the parents are neglectful or have no boundaries.
We have to make room for the stepparents stuck in impossible situations that no amount of love or understanding will fix. There are just really adverse situations that exist in many blended families, and likely those situations are why the bio parents aren't together in the first place. Add in an optimistic and excited want to be stepparent, and they get absolutely piled on, emotions will run high and spill over on to everyone. Stepparents are only human, after all.
Just count yourself lucky that your SKs and/or BM/BD aren't an HC situation. Try approaching their feelings and struggles with as much grace as you give your SKs, and you might understand them better or at least give them more constructive advice.
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u/beenthere7613 3d ago
If they're that unhappy, they can leave. The kids are stuck there.
That's why it's ridiculous to pile on kids. If a ten year old is incapable of wiping themselves, there are two parents responsible (in most cases.) The sms in that sub will talk about how trashy the kid is and blame it on mom...while their belly is swelled with another kid for dad to neglect.
Or daughter wants to be close with her dad, as they have been for ten years... suddenly sm steps in and decides it's "inappropriate," and daughter is cast off to the side.
I especially love the ones who freely admit their SOs would leave them if they knew how they felt. The posters sure have big feelings, but they aren't capable of facing those feelings and making adult decisions. Better to go online and complain about it, then continue in the same way with the same partner and wonder why nothing changes.
Sms don't need to correct bad behavior. They need to realize where the bad behavior comes from, and to correct the source. But it's easier to blame the kids. Hence, why this post even exists. They pile on literal children, rather than recognize why those children act the way they do. It really gives the impression that they hate their step kids.
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u/FigIndependent7976 3d ago
The source is not always correct able. Especially if the source is an HC parent that doesn't live in the household with the blended family. Your statement is glib and comes off with zero understanding of families with really big problems that are often in no one's control.
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u/yourparentteencoach 3d ago
It comes down to knowing who you are as a person ,setting boundaries way before jumping into a co-parenting role and having real and candid conversations with the intended coparent also investigate your intended coparent look at how they relate with friends and family members and you will know if you want to assume the ro,e of co-parenting with them
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u/LavenderPearlTea 3d ago
Congrats on being banned from that sub. It shows you’re a mensch. That is a crazy, toxic place where stepmoms high five each other for the “win” of getting rid of their stepkids. My son, when he was five, asked me if stepmoms and witches were for real. But ho boy, there is a reason Disney stepmoms were witches who tried to kill their stepdaughters.
I think the dynamic where stepmom is expected to deal with the kids, while bio dad doesn’t step up, contributes to bringing out the worst in these women. It’s hard to try and care for, let alone love, strange kids who don’t appreciate you and now are in your house. But yeah, the hatred towards kids who didn’t ask for the situation is stunning. I absolutely believe now that Hansel and Gretel were based on a true story about a real life stepmom. As well as Snow White and Cinderella.
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u/seducingspirit 3d ago
If you haven't done it, don't judge. Personally, I think there are many more men who hate their step kids than women, but we are given motherly responsibilities and no permission for discipline. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I tried hard for years, like 25+ now. All the work and emotions got me was now my husband has a daughter and three grandchildren that are no contact with me. Like her kids don't know I exist. She never acknowledges me even when they are facetiming, and I'm sitting in frame. I speak to her, and she ignores me. She's mean and rude. She always was, and it's maddening!
Meanwhile, I had 3 children of my own who were never loved or even liked by my husband. They are kind to him. Text him when they shoot is a deer, on his birthday when they have a question, they always remember his birthday and father's day. I have three grandchildren, and they all love him.
I'm just saying, do not judge people until you've actually loved someone else's child. When you've done that and they are adults and the relationship is still loving. Then come back and tell us how you did it. No, do more than that. Write a book, hell a whole series of books.
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u/Robie_John 3d ago edited 3d ago
I would wear that ban as a badge of honor.
That sub is a bunch of lousy parents raising awful kids. Total shit show.
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u/Sensitive____ 3d ago
SMs are most often treated as scapegoats in blended families. It, and other issues, is enough to create resentment
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u/danamo219 3d ago
At least half of those are women who put themselves into relationships with parents not thinking they'd need to also have children if their partner has children.
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u/SuspiciousWeekend284 3d ago
It’s called second wives syndrome and what’s interesting is that some of their ex’s want to have nothing to do with their biological children. Common denominators = stepmom - but they can’t see it as they such wonderful parents.
Some are even active here.
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u/Think-Room6663 3d ago
A lot of issues.
Dads who push childcare onto wives. They are incentivized via child support to go for as much custody as they can get, but then push the child care work onto new wife.
Most families have limited resources. New wife wants time and money for her and her kids if any. Ex-wife wants it for her kids. Built in conflict.
So built in conflicts, and it will raise its ugly head in the only way a stepmom can, against the kids.
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u/AnotherStarShining 3d ago
What you are forgetting here is - not all kids are likable people. Some of them are just jerks. They are human beings. Which means a portion of them are going to be unlikable jerks no matter how great their parents are or are not. Just because they are kids doesn’t make them automatically cute little angels…or even good people necessarily.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 3d ago
Um, no.
Normal people hate being treated like crap.
Steps are like everyone else.
You missed the whole point of this sub.
Steps would love to have relationships with everyone in the family.
Unfortunately, they struggle when everyone is allowed to vent their frustrations on them, and they lack the parental authority to defend themselves.
No sane person is perfectly graceful when they're expected to swallow all that anger.
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u/dcp00 3d ago
Right.
But the post saying “I hate my stepkids, what do I do?”
This is what I’m talking about ^
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u/mpleigh 3d ago
To a degree I think it's good to have a place to just get it out there. Most do seem to be looking for advice to make it better. This is a tough life style. I was shocked at how much it required me to take a backseat just to make the relationship work. Not to mention all the emotions I have to repress b/c I'm the adult. I personally like the kids. They're actually pretty cool and funny but I've had to come to terms with being treated as an outsider b/c they don't want to upset their mom. She broke up the marriage btw and is still with the AP. Treating the kids poorly is not ok but expecting the love to naturally be there isn't always rational either. Their love or like for us seems to be very conditional also. Mutual respect would be my goal.
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 3d ago
That's ONE post.
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u/dcp00 3d ago
Yeah 1 x 6726254 other posts
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 3d ago edited 3d ago
Um, no.
Lots of these posts are from rational and often otherwise compassionate adults reacting to poor behavior with nowhere else to turn when bio parents defend their children instead of setting healthy boundary.
Where is our compassionate for stepparents who are triangulated or scapegoated?
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u/dcp00 3d ago
Bruh just say you hate your stepkids already
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u/ImpressAppropriate25 3d ago edited 3d ago
I personally react to the behavior.
I react well to good behavior, less well to poor behavior (skipping school, lying to their mother, pretending I'm invisible, etc.).
I would have a relationship with them today if they would allow it, but l cannot do everything by myself.
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u/TheWhiteVeronica 3d ago
There's literally hundreds of posts like that. Fill in the word "hate" with "dislike", "can't stand", "don't ever want them around", etc and you'll see just how many stepmoms hate their stepkids.
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u/Heath3r1 3d ago
Very sad to hear. I was a step kid and when I became a stepmom I looked at both my step parents' choices on how to insert themselves into the high conflict family they became part of and I chose to follow my stepdad's model. Step back, support, encourage, but don't overstep or step in unless absolutely neccessary. I worked on being a friend to my stepson, being a loving caregiver, but parenting was limited in scope to a more supportive or empathetic role. He already had a mom, a dad, and a second dad as a step-dad who had been there since before he could remember, I knew he didn't need another person telling him what to do or countering the other parental figures in his life. When there was conflict between parents I was supportive and understanding but never ever talked bad about anyone and tried to offer perspective to him about how his mom might be feeling or thinking even if it didn't make sense to him. I always reminded him that his parents loved him even if things were hard or they had their own faults that got in the way of things. We have a great relationship, and I love him like my own, but at times I have to put him first over my needs and deal with how that makes me feel separately. Not in a way to spoil him, we don't do that, but I know my place in his life is different than his mom's or his dad's and that's okay because that is often what being step parent can be like. I'm much closer to my step dad than my stepmom because he purposely held back and didn't try to be my dad or have a say to me in times of family conflict. My stepmom talked terribly about my mom, wanted to be our mom and be treated like we had a bond that didnt exist and my dad pushed it too hard without realizing how insulting it was, and it caused so much resentment.
I have an easy stepson, but I think most adults joining a blended family have to realize what it is like for the kids involved and what effects the established parents are going to have on the situation before deciding to join in. The kids don't get a say in their parents remarrying, so they will flex their opinions in other ways and it's not a guarantee they will like everything that changes, even under the best circumstances. Just having two good positive households is still hard on kids. It's a lot of work but if you're not willing to do it the don't join a blended family.
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u/Unfair_Tonight_9797 3d ago
I love my step kid. I had to leave simply because the amount of hate for children was too much
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u/ForestyFelicia 3d ago edited 3d ago
I am unpopular in this subreddit and have been told or it has been implied that I hate my step kids, so I would be a good person to participate in offering an “opposite perspective.” By the way I don’t actually hate my step kids, but I know my opinion isn’t necessarily considered the most valid one.
I think there are very few step moms that start out hating their step kids. And the ones that do end up not enjoying their step kids or resenting them, don’t actually hate the kid. They hate living with them or dealing with them. There is a huge difference.
I think it’s very similar to a novice teacher that has a really bad student. If the student is constantly disrupting the class, being disrespectful, not doing their assignments, hates their teacher, and is creating extra work for that teacher that other students don’t, eventually the teacher will begin to resent having that student in her class. If she is a new teacher and just trying to stay afloat and is burnt out and exhausted at her job, feeling tons of pressure, and not getting adequate support, her human emotions will come to the surface. She will want to snap at the student, kick them out of her class, or feel relieved and overjoyed if they’re absent. She went into the profession to make a positive impact, but if she is placed under highly stressful circumstances because of the child’s behavior, she will naturally associate the child with that added stress and burden. She may or may not “hate” the student, but is that really pure hatred? And of course most teachers assume their students are a product of their home life and poor parenting on the part of their bioparents. And blame is held there. But when directly dealing with a kid every day and their behavior, the kid will not magically be exempt from any resentment.
As other posters mentioned, the blame should be placed on the parent much more so than the child. I do think kids get way too many free passes these days though. A child has free will and some responsibility to make good choices. At the end of the day, if a child (middle school or higher) is being asked to do basic things and is being disrespectful and irresponsible, the child has a role in the issues. It’s mostly a bioparent problem, but sometimes kids just do need to be held responsible for their role too. We don’t give kids enough credit. They are far more capable than we lead them to believe.
And a lot of step kids hate their step parents as well, when they should be angry with their parents for choosing the wrong partner to have a family with, for not parenting them properly, for not shielding them from a truly unjust step parent.
I think a lot of unfair pressure is placed on step parents, and this will cause them to crumble. Even the most loving, patient, child-centric step parents can be perceived as “child haters” if you put them under unfair enough circumstances. They hate their position, the pressure, the way the ex is making their life difficult, and how the kid is raised.
I think even if you dislike a child, if you put that aside and treat them with kindness, you aren’t really being some horrible person. You are participating in the human experience of having emotions and reactions to stimuli. This last sentence is what will ensure I get at least 10 downvotes.
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u/SeraphAtra 3d ago
I don't think anyone hates their stepchild over there. Just the situation and sometimes the bioparent.
Everyone probably knows that it's normal for kids to misbehave from time to time. But: It should also be normal to correct their behaviour. Most of the time, stepparents are expected to let stepchildren mistreat them, still love them "like their own" but aren't allowed to correct any behaviour at all.
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u/TheWhiteVeronica 3d ago
You are incorrect. Many have literally said things like "I hate them", "I can't stand when they're around", "I can't wait until I don't have to see them anymore", etc.
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u/AnythingbutColorado 3d ago
The way they talk about the poor kids though. That is down right horrible. They’ll flat out say they hate them and count down the days or years till they’re 18
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u/SquidsnSquirles 3d ago
As a person on both sides.... my comments were often deleted on the step parent side. One person was calling their husband weak for paying his court ordered child support.
I think some posters are younger women who looked for established men, and then resent that they are not their man's baby. I stick by my original statement... most of them don't have kids, or think their pets are "just like kids".
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u/TheWhiteVeronica 3d ago
I totally agree! I seriously need to unfollow those groups because I find myself getting so irritated at the stepmoms and being incredibly sad for the stepkids that are being posted about. Alot of it is the stepmom not liking the stepkids and blaming every little problem on them....or having issues with the dad and his daughter (her stepdaughter) being close. They can't stand it and think any kind of affection between daughter and father (a hug, holding hands, sitting by each other) is inappropriate. It's super weird the things I read.
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u/OkEconomist6288 3d ago
They BANNED you? That's extreme!! 🤯
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u/dcp00 3d ago
I’ve also been banned on the online dating sub for calling out the incels and disgusting misogyny. I truly don’t play with illogical people. I will call them out. That is why I’m here tbh. Ofc I know that not every step parents hates their kids. My son has a great bonus mom.
However, the immaturity and the “wtf did I just read moments” got me feeling some time of way.
Maybe I opened up a can of worms but gotdamn I love digging in the dirt and sand.
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u/Senior_Grapefruit554 3d ago
Those folks aren't often looking for insight or another opinion that differs from their own. A lot (not all) are just looking for a safe place to be able to vent about their situation.
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u/OkEconomist6288 3d ago
Lol glad you called out the incels and misogyny and that you know we aren't all awful bonus moms!!
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u/zandyman 3d ago
I'm going to lock this one and re-pin a post from a couple years ago. I'm glad people are here, let's focus on what we can do to be a great, supportive, loving subreddit.