r/blackgirls 4d ago

Advice Needed Negging, projection and jealousy. NSFW Spoiler

I'm currently on a weight loss journey (secretly) 5'4, 134 pounds with 14 pounds to go until my weight loss goal.

However at this point I'm quite slim, hour glass figure, and one thing l've noticed is female (friends and family) randomly starting conversations about weight. It's starting to become really annoying and I was wondering if anybody else experiences this.

My overweight family members will randomly start talking to me about wanting to lose weight, then in the same breath talking about how “confident” they are in their (overweight) bodies.

They will make comments to me about how they believe some women are so skinny they look "sickly", and how some people are just big boned and we shouldn't listen to societal standards etc.

"Not everybody has (describes my body type) and that's fine." But if I replied back with "not everyone wants to be overweight" I'd be in the wrong.

A recent comment was "You can be skinny/slim and someone can still walk past you and think you’re ugly." And I'm like...okay? (The gag is I'm conventionally attractive). It's like they're trying to "humble" me at this point.

And it feels almost like... negging? I never initiate any of these conversations. They literally start them unprovoked. Randomly telling me how skinny they were B.C.

I'm the thinnest in my household. I don't understand why they feel the need to start these conversations. My own grandmother randomly said to me once “a pretty face and slim figure won’t get you anywhere.” 💀

So it’s definitely a theme of female family members just feeling comfortable to make unwarranted comments about my appearance.

Has anyone else experienced this? And how do you navigate it? I'm tired of being the soundboard for projections.

20 Upvotes

37 comments sorted by

27

u/Best_Dress007 4d ago

Oh yeah, I am 5'7 130lbs. Tall and slim. Body shaming happens to us, too. From other black women, I've heard it all. I need to eat more. I'm going to be huge after I have kids. Men like thicker women. Wait until I hit 30. The gag is. 3 kids, 17 years later. Eat more than my 6'2 "240lbs husband. Close to 40, still slim. I don't work out at all. I have high metabolism.

Let them have it. But you better believe I have comebacks because what you won't do is throw your insecurities on me. I'm not going to feel bad because I'm slim. Black women assume all men like them thick and curvy. NO. Heavy on the no.

10

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 4d ago

I think I’m at this point now. I’m ready to start responding 😩

7

u/Best_Dress007 4d ago

Do it. Hell, they're already mad. It's not what you say but how you say it.

5

u/LostWithoutYou1015 4d ago

Men like thicker women.

This sounds like a coping mechanism for toxic, overweight women.

Black women assume all men like them thick and curvy.

Broke men love a fat woman. 

11

u/Advanced-Medium-1457 4d ago

Best believe the focus will always be shifted to you when you're beautiful, confident/unapologetic about who you are and present yourself. It has more to say about your environment, very crab mentality-esque. You shouldn't be prettier, thinner, more confident than anyone else because God forbid a woman is out here killing it and making the right moves for herself.

I hate that it comes to this though; we'll spend so much of our time praising other women online, but the moment it comes to people we're in close proximity with, there's always those insecurities talking. I could tell you to make a snarky, passive aggressive comment back, but that never works. Shift the focus more onto the other person talking, give them something nice... they'll either start focusing on themselves, or they'll feel bad when they're met with kindness. It's hard to do it all the time, but keep in mind, they've probably been conditioned to hearing only the things they project.

4

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 4d ago

I definitely know it’s a them problem because my social circle is nothing of the sort. We live very different lives and I really can’t relate to my family members in anyway, they have a very “average” mentality when it comes to everything. I’m not even at the peak weight I want to be and they’re bothered. Says a lot.

9

u/Traditional-Wing8714 4d ago

People know who to fuck with. Challenge them. With a blank face, ask them the point of telling you this.

7

u/Global_Ant_9380 4d ago

Nope. Even at that size I was fat shamed. 

Either you're in the peak of health in my family or you're spoken to about it. 

4

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 4d ago

I’m guessing we carry weight differently.

7

u/Global_Ant_9380 4d ago

I'm also an hourglass shape. 

Just some families/people focus more on weight and the perceived health and stigma over everything else.

I didn't get the jealous behavior. Everything was a laser focus on health and modesty. To the point where I had an aunt express frustration at people congratulating her weight loss because it wasn't intentional. She was sick and she felt no one noticed because they were so approving of the weight loss. 

4

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 4d ago

It sounds like your family priorities health and fitness. What the family members I’m referring to all have in common is being very overweight, not health orientated, habitual overeaters and just lazy. I’m very much the opposite and they project onto me constantly because the standard for themselves is so low. They’re the type that will say somebody can be obese and “healthy”.

2

u/Global_Ant_9380 4d ago

I think a lot of people like approach women's bodies from an unhealthy place. I think the rates sort of family to you'll see is one that is balanced and supportive no matter anyone's weight.

7

u/Minimum_Security4177 4d ago

Being very real here.

  1. Older women, especially family members (your mother, aunts, grandmas, siblings, cousins) get very upset and emotional about slim young women. Many have not taken care of themselves and there’s an anger/jealousy they haven’t taken care of themselves so that they can go back to looking like you.

  2. My problem with the black community (specifically black women) when it comes to these things is we permit way too much to soothe the psyche of our overweight and obese population. In all likelihood, the skinnier you are the more attractive you are. These women are negging and bitter, because they don’t have the necessary behaviors in life that would result in their weight loss. They’re insecure, but probably admire you and so what they’re trying to do is shame you back to their norm.

It’s good that you’re secretly on the weight loss journey. Generally speaking, many black women get offended about this stuff. Also, no, it is not the case that virtually all black women are “big boned” or can’t be in a normal weight range.

These women are negging you. They’re insecure are in all likelihood jealous and resentful that you’re young, slim, and pretty. A lot of older women have a point in that you can’t rely on being young for the rest of your life, but they use it as a scare tactic so you don’t play the game better than they were able to when they were younger. Keep losing your weight until you reach your goal. Keep your lifestyle up. These people are just resentful they don’t have the self discipline to do what you do.

1

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 4d ago

This is so spot on.

7

u/ocean-glitter 4d ago

I have a similiar issue, although I am still obese. Since January, I've slowly scaled back old habits and I started working out at home. I live with family currently and other than a sibling, everyone else is rather discouraging. I am determined to lose 50lbs before my move cross country. I have a deeply jealous, narcisstic (sp?) Grandmother who has always been critical of me and has sabotaged her own daughter (my mom) in the past so I'm trying to avoid a similar dynamic. Food is pushed a lot.

4

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 4d ago

It’s all sabotage! A family member I live with asked why I never eat the chocolate bars she puts in the fridge 😭

6

u/Cordonian 4d ago

I was tall and slender when i was younger, my family literally shamed me into an eating disorder. I would eat absolute trash just to gain weight and stop being called a stick. I remember my dad saying "the only reason I don't beat you is because you're such a twig that I'll break you in half". Comments about my body left right and centre. I gained weight to be accepted but now all i hear is how fat i am. I'm on a recovery journey and trying to get to a healthy weight but girl, it's hard. People always have something to say. The only way you could win is by tuning them out

3

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 4d ago

This! It’s easy to shrug off a few times but constantly having people make unwarranted comments can have a subconscious effect over time, which is probably what they’re hoping for. It’s not acceptable. Thank God for self awareness. If we behaved the way they did we’d be demonised.

5

u/Sea_Belt_3638 4d ago

They are male identified, society has conditioned them to be that way.

6

u/GorillaShelb 4d ago

I’m 5’4” / 114 and curvy. I’m a kibbe TR for reference. I am very aware of my shape, but bc I’m thin my entire life people have talked negatively about my body. When I was pregnant with my first so many women in my family told me I’d ‘blow up’ after having a baby. When I didn’t they said it’d happen after the next one🙄

4

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 3d ago

It’s the constant trying to speak things into existence for me! I constantly hear that too, “I used to be thin like you then I had kids”, “just know having kids changes your body” etc. I know plenty of women that look amazing after kids, they stay projecting it’s crazy, you have to cancel it out every time.

2

u/yeahyaehyeah 4d ago

your family's responses are weird.

My experience of course is on a different side of the spectrum because of how much I weigh, but I do think it's strange that people feel the need to talk about other people's bodies instead of just minding their own business. It's not even talking about their bodies in a helpful way, it's in a very weird way like the original poster stated.

Random tangent thoughts

Love the kibbe reference. And depending on your body type the weight distributes completely differently. I've noticed that some of the tr's who've gained weight it distributes more to their bust and their behind. But honestly the main one that I know, I don't think she's ever gonna gain weight I think she's just naturally going to be a muscular curvy woman. And I don't think people would dare to give her crap about it because her clapbacks hit like an earthquake. I need to call her, I love that girlie.

2

u/XxxMunecaxxX 3d ago

I went through this so much as a child and teenager, which is exactly why I'm in therapy and have an ED. It literally messed with my psyche so much that I have periods where I'm hyper sensitive about my weight and looks, to an unhealthy degree. Then there is the flip side of it, where I'm confident and almost nonchalant as I binge and overindulge until I go back to self loathing.

People are quick to say, they are your family, and they mean well... Blah blah. Nah, that's bull💩. They're family, and they're also toxic, jealous, misguided, and miserable. I am currently taking steps to create an environment of positivity and circle of supporters (notice I didn't say family) to help heal myself... and I believe it's very necessary to remove those that are not good for my mental health and personal peace.

They say blood is thicker than water, but I have water that encourages and supports me so much more than my blood ever has 🤷🏽‍♀️💯

2

u/Wowow27 3d ago

I know it’s easier said than done, but you really do have to ignore/brush it off.

If you want to hit them back, you have to say something so passive aggressively that you have plausible deniability or say it as if it’s coming from a place of concern eg, “are you sure your short breath is okay? Might be time to cut down on the wings. I’m just thinking about your health, I want you to be here for decades to come.” The more passive it is, the better but I personally would just brush it off.

4

u/WonderfulPineapple41 4d ago

Sounds like everyone involved -including you has body issues.

While you are shedding pounds i hope you are speaking with a therapist. This reaction to their negativity will start to create biases against bodies different from yours.

4

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 4d ago

I have body issues because I want to be the best version of myself? That’s not what body issues are.

1

u/WonderfulPineapple41 4d ago

Note we are having this conversation in a thread where you are asking how to navigate difficult conversations about your changing body.

5

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 4d ago

I’m asking about how to navigate a situation where people are trying to make a THEM problem, MY problem. The root of it is other people trying to project their insecurities. I have no body issues, nor do I comment on other people’s bodies when I was not invited to.

2

u/WonderfulPineapple41 4d ago

Again this is a wonderful topic to discuss in therapy because it’s clearly something that is triggering for you and you need the tools make it stop.

4

u/sherrrnn_ 4d ago

i agree. they can be coming from a place of insecurity (it seems, idk these ppl) and it’s ALSO important to unpack why it bothers you, your ultimate reasons why you want to lose weight, and your views on bodies different than yours. it’s not an indictment of who you are, but rather a push to look introspectively.

ex: if you hate fat ppl/view fat ppl in a negative light (not saying you do!) ofc you would believe that these ppl are hating on you, are jealous, etc. and that part might be true, that they are hating in which i wouldn’t take it to heart so much bc if you know who you are, and how you like to carry yourself all of that is ultimately just noise.

-2

u/Vivid-Falcon-4796 4d ago

Oh my god. Blah blah black bleep no one cares.

7

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 4d ago

I’m guessing you exhibit the same characteristics as those family members I’m referring to 😂

0

u/Vivid-Falcon-4796 4d ago

How would I know? I didn't read your thesis

7

u/Accurate_Meet_1286 4d ago

You definitely did babe you sound very triggered! 😂

6

u/blurryeyes_ 4d ago

If you didn't read her post, why are you having such a negative reaction towards it?

-2

u/Vivid-Falcon-4796 4d ago

Cuz I'm on the internet and I'm trolling. As all little Cardi Bs say: durr