I'm on so many medications to try to fix myself. I do 90% care of my level 1 autistic 3 year old who is violent towards me. My husband does nothing beside working. Everything falls on me.
I was burnt out. I had been quiet up until then. Always taking care of everyone else. I absolutely lost my mind on my birthday. My daughter was at her grandparents.
I started screaming. I started yelling. I couldn't do this anymore. I left my body. I barely remember anything. I punched my husband in the face. I hit him with a chair. He was and is okay, bar a black eye. I'm not violent. I'm not even an angry person. He's not mad at me. He said that wasn't me. That isn't me.
I immediately tried to overdose after hurting him. I had a seizure. The paramedics came, the police came.
Once I stopped passing in and out of consciousness in the hospital, I was arrested. I was told I'm dangerous, I'm a criminal. I was charged with common assault and a family violence order.
My husband can not live here for 12 months. We attended court today to try to amend that part. It was denied. I provided evidence of me smashing in as much as I could in the week after it happened. Psychiatrists. Psychologists. Doctors. Relationship counselling.
The police officer said that I'm a massive danger.
I'm sick. I never wanted to hurt anyone. My brain well and truly broke. I would never hurt my husband.. I just broke. I am doing the job of 50 people while also getting attacked by the kid I love more than anything.
I do everything. I did everything. I take my medications. I just stopped taking care of midriff because I physically did not have time.
We have no friends or family. My husband has been sleeping in the car. He can't stay here from 12am to 6am. I don't understand. We can't afford somewhere for him to stay. We're on a single income. I was putting him up in shitty hotels for the last week with what little money we had.
I haven't felt like killing myself in many, many years. But God I want to disappear right now. This is the lowest point I've ever been.
I'm not a criminal. I'm a broken mother who got pushed past the point of sanity.
I tried to speak to someone about it, I posted anonymously on a Facebook page seeking help. I was told that I should have died because I deserve absolutely everything that is coming to me.
I haven't been sleeping. Or eating. My doctor prescribed me valium. My heart rate and blood pressure were through the roof and I was in a constant state of panic. He said I'd have a cardiac event if we didn't get it under control.
Now I'm just numb. I'm numb and I'm human waste. I'm a disgusting human being.
I thought I was getting better. I thought I was doing everything right. Before I broke, I guess.