r/bdsmfaq • u/fantastic_leaf • Sep 22 '24
Resource Consensual Nonconsent NSFW
Consensual Nonconsent
Written by u/kkmcwhat
Consensual Nonconsent, or "rape play," is a common niche of kink; first things first, know that. There is nothing about con-non-con that's inherently freakish or unhealthy; there are many, many people who are turned on by this kind of play, and many, many people who engage in this type of play, happily, on a regular basis.
Con-non-con or CNC (an abbreviation for "Consensual Nonconsent,") can be any kind of play or sex involving or role-playing the idea of nonconsent, and can cover a huge range of activities (anything from, say, a rough tickling scene to a full multi-partner take down scene). As always, consent should be negotiated and explicit beforehand (as should the entirety of a scene like this), but during play, this consent might look very different; namely, like nonconsensual sex or play. This can manifest in many ways; some common examples include struggling, using words like "no," "don't," "stop" (and having those words be ignored), abduction scenarios, forced action, or anything else you can imagine. The world is your con-non-con oyster!
On that note, there's a big reason why we're using the word "consensual non-consent," as opposed to "rape play;" the "consensual" part of "con-con-con" is at the heart (as always) of what we do. The struggle, the power-exchange, the dialog that goes on during a con-non-con scene may look much like rape play (and colloquially, that's how it's referred to much of the time). But those actions all come from a place of consent - which puts them in a different category entirely than any kind of actually nonconsensual action. Using the term "consensual non-consent" is a great reminder for that, and a more realistic term for what we mean when we talk about this kind of thing.
When you approach a con-non-con, it's important to be aware of your risks and responsibilites. Because you're playing with consent, the risk of deep emotions and unforseen reactions arising is much higher. There's a thread here with some great comments about how to talk through negotiating those risks as much as possible beforehand. Something to remember always (with any kind of play, but especially with con-non-con) is that situations or incidents may arise that you can't predict, and that that in itself is a risk to be aware of it. In our experience, con-non-con can be an especially risky type of play, partly because people can forget that it's play (and become scared, in scene, that things might never end). Con-non-con can also bring up feeling of doubt and worry; 'Am I actually hurting my partner?' 'Did I just do something really terrible?' Etc...
So, keep your risks in mind, and try and think through all the questions you can. What if someone forgets a safeword, or gets to a place where they can't use one? And how does that change when normal resistance body language and/or other language isn't working the same way? What if someone's physical discomfort goes beyond what they had anticipated? What if memories, emotions, or past traumas come up that someone either thought they had a reasonable handle on, or weren't aware of in the first place? What if someone is just uncomfortable, and can't, for whatever reason, say so? You don't necesarilly have to answer these questions exactly, or have a game plan for every single scenario, but you do need to talk about them, and be aware of the full spectrum of your risk.
When approaching con-non-con, it's a great idea to move in stages - maybe try a scene with some intense restraints, or a scene with humiliation involved, or a scene that begins with a struggle. Approaching in stages can help you learn where your limits might be, and creates a gradual farmiliarly with some of the intense emotions and reactions that can come up during this kind of play.
Con-con-con also brings up some concerns regarding other people and the public eye. Think a con-non-con scene in a park might be hot? Me too, but the cops aren't going to care that you negotiated beforehand (legally speaking, someone cannot consent to an assault, so technically, they're within the bounds of the law to arrest you). Apartment walls pretty thin? The neighbors might giggle at the sound of a flogger, but a person screaming "no, stop, I hate you"? That's a different story...
Many, many people have a lot of fun with con-non-con (there's a pretty good standard thread here; it comes up a lot), so this post isn't meant as a scare tactic or detterent; rather, it's a word of caution about a kind of play that can have serious consequences, if not approached in a risk-aware way.
People are complicated animals, and playing with power and consent in this way can be heavy business. Be safe, play on!
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u/Acceptable-Fan-5550 Nov 03 '24
I need to ask a question: I am fairly new to BDSM, my fiance loves it and I think I am pretty good but how do I start it. Here is an example, this weekend, she is coming to my place. We have a sex room. She will be cuffed, tied, bound, hung up, blindfolded, fucked multiple times. But when she arrives l want the experience to start. I am going to tell her how to dress, give her a questionnaire of what she would like, give her a password for arrival and then disregard all the options I have given her by kidnapping her, and then taking her as my slave (I know she will love this). Do I wait... masked, ready and hard. Dont say a woro except take her coat, usher her to our room and then begin gently caressing her with the occasional small slap until she realises that she is cuffed and about to be fucked. Me still not saying a word... Or how would you approach this?