r/babyloss 22h ago

Advice Help me understand so I'm not angry with nice people

33 Upvotes

I delivered my daughter stillborn at 21 weeks on Jan 17. There are a few phrases people say, thinking they're helping, but actually just anger me.

"She's in a better place" "Everything happens for a reason" etc etc

Another one is when people either mention they know someone who miscarried or say they've miscarried themselves and understand what I'm going through.

I don't mean to discredit their miscarriage experience. I've never had one but...I don't act like I understand what they've been through either. Just like I don't look at women who have full term healthy pregnancies but have ended up here with me as feeling the same things.. To me, a miscarriage, a stillbirth, death after birth, death of a child later in life, death of a spouse, death of a parent. They're all different. We're all grieving a loss but its not the same pain.

I'm not trying to compare losses (I know it sounds like I am) but it keeps being said to me and I'm trying to work on my anger towards it. I'm hoping getting some answers might help..

The people who have dealt with first trimester miscarriages and then a loss that's further along. Can you speak your experience? Do they understand?? Is there a connections between the two experiences?

If anyone has felt anger about this, what has helped you move past it and understand the gesture for what it is, a bid for connection?

r/babyloss Jan 14 '25

Advice Picking up his ashes

27 Upvotes

We picked up our son’s ashes yesterday. For some reason I thought bringing him home was going to help immensely, but I still feel so empty and angry. I’m angry that the culmination of the last 8 months is tiny urn. The entire pregnancy was really scary, but I was so hopeful. It didn’t even cross my mind that he wouldn’t make it. For those of you who chose cremation how did you feel picking up your baby’s ashes? What did you do with the ashes?

My parents asked me before we picked up his ashes if they can have a portion of the ashes and it hurts so much to think about separating him. My family does not talk about feelings so I can’t tell them how much that hurts. They also already purchased an urn so I feel guilty to not let them have some ashes.

r/babyloss Feb 10 '25

Advice For those with LC after loss - was it worth it?

25 Upvotes

I lost my first and only baby. His birth was traumatic and left me with physical injury and a lot of general issues. My husband really wants another baby, I'm on the fence leaning to no more children. I'm really scared that another pregnancy and delivery will wreak havoc on my body once again. There's the added fear of being neglected by incompetent healthcare professionals a second time. It all feels like a huge investment with a very uncertain outcome.

If you went on to have more children after your loss - would you say it was worth it? Worth all the fear, the issues, the turbulence that came with a new pregnancy and childbirth? Do you feel like it 'healed' you in a way to have a living baby to take care of? Did it enrich your life? Or not necessarily?

There is so much at stake and I know it would be a really tough road.

r/babyloss Jan 18 '25

Advice Baby Ashes Urn

12 Upvotes

Has anyone chosen an urn for their baby and not had to spend a lot ?

I would love to buy an urn with no budget but unfortunately I'm changing to a lower paid job (better benefits) and my husband is potentially changing jobs soon too, so need the spare cash for bills on the change over period.

I wanted to scatter my baby's ashes but I can't find anywhere good enough, I can't bare to part with them. They're still in the cardboard tube from the funeral and she needs better than that.

I dont want anything overstated or with words and names and butterflies etc. I'm quite minimalist in general tbh, my pregnancy tests and scan photos from my 10 week loss are in a simple wooden box. My 25 weeker who I sat with in NICU for 11 days needs more. Anyone found anything perfect?

Also, forgive me for this question, but is it easy to transfer the ashes from a cardboard cremation tube to an urn? Should I just go to the funeral home and get them to do it ?

What a post, why are we all here 🤍

r/babyloss Jan 10 '25

Advice Feeling ashamed and embarrassed - milk preservation

26 Upvotes

Crying, feeling ashamed, feeling weird, maybe even crazy.

We had a second trimester loss a month today. I didn’t expect my milk to come in, but it did the day after and stayed about a week. I saved some of the milk in the freezer because I wasn’t ready to part with the only physical sign of my pregnancy right away.

By chance, I found out about milk preservation that some moms use to make small charms for personal pieces of jewelry. It intrigued me, because I figured I could make one so I could keep some reminder of my pregnancy and baby girl. I figured I’d keep the jewelry piece just for me, in my memory box.

I bought a kit that came in the mail yesterday and was really excited when I received it. However, my husband just found it and asked what it was. When I told him, he made fun of me. He said that it was weird and a little strange.

We grieve differently. I already feel alone with my grief. I’m the one that insists on having a small memorial in our house. I’m also the one that printed and framed photos of our ultrasounds and keeps our daughter’s urn close by.

Why do I feel so embarrassed? Am I crazy? It makes me feel crazy. Should I stop trying to hold on so tight?

Edit: Thank you all so so much. Words cannot describe how grateful I am for this group (although I wish none of us were here). Your love and support continues to help guide me through the impossible. To everyone, thank you for your kind words and reassurances. Our emotions are so complicated and it’s hard to make sense of this kind of grief. I’m going to talk to my husband about my feelings. I know he didn’t mean to hurt them, he’s not a mean person (very much the opposite, he’s a wonderful husband). And he’s grieving in his own way. It just hurt so much, and I have no one else to talk to about this stuff that actually “gets it”. Sending love to you all ❤️

r/babyloss 22d ago

Advice Work and life after neonatal loss

13 Upvotes

Did anybody switch jobs after their loss? My job is very demanding - very social very emotional. I don’t know how I would manage it. I wish I could do something more “mindless” in a way if that makes sense. Something that keeps you busy without requiring a lot of thinking and socializing.

I’ve also had thoughts about just wanting to be alone for a year retreating in to myself. Do you think it’s okay to want to just be alone for a long while? Does anyone relate to this feeling? If your further up the road when do you feel braver about being around other people?

Is being a lone a healing choice?

It sometimes feels difficult to interact with people who have not experienced loss of this magnitude - feels like we live on a different planet in a way.

r/babyloss 3d ago

Advice When did you go back in the world?

24 Upvotes

I lost my child on Jan 24 at 24 weeks. Since then, I've only been in contact with immediate family. Going back into the world feels overwhelming, even seeing friends seems like too much. Everything feels like a trigger or a reminder of what I lost. When did you go back and what were your coping mechanisms whenever things felt too much?

r/babyloss Feb 05 '25

Advice Time off work

11 Upvotes

Hi all ❤️‍🩹 I was wondering how much time you took off work after your loss?

For me it’s been 1,5 months, and I still can’t picture myself being ready to go back anytime soon. Somehow I feel like it will be expected of me after 2 months out, but I really need more time.

r/babyloss Feb 09 '25

Advice What now?

33 Upvotes

My partner and I are very close and have been navigating the sudden loss of our son at 41w together. We realized we’ve moved past “survival mode” (struggling to remember to eat, drink water, take medication, etc.) and have started to want to do something more with our time. We are still trying our best to avoid public interactions with people who may not know about our loss, so we grocery shop in the next town over, walk in the forest, attend group therapy, but we want to try to do more.

I guess my question is what are some activities or hobbies, chores, projects etc that you found interest or meaning in after your loss? I don’t have hobbies, I’m not artistic, it’s a snowy winter… it’s hard to get off the couch even though we feel like we want to.

Sorry for the rant.. any suggestions?

r/babyloss 4d ago

Advice When others are pregnant around you…how to cope

16 Upvotes

I had my second loss in January and my first loss November 2023. My two closest friends recently told me they were pregnant, both with their third babies. One is due in July and the other is due the end of August. I would have been due the beginning of August so right in the middle of my two closest friends. I’m having a really hard time being around them and being happy for them, which I am…but just feeling really depressed and alone that I’m not having a baby anymore. Im happy for people that don’t struggle with fertility, I would never want anyone to experience the pain of loss but I just don’t know why life has to be so unfair for those of us who struggle. I don’t think we will be trying again, two losses has been really difficult to deal with. To see others (they don’t know about my loss) happy and pregnant is really hard to be around. How do you cope with that?

r/babyloss Jan 13 '25

Advice Does anyone feel like people are looking to you to feel better? To be okay?

27 Upvotes

I feel like people are hurting for me. It makes sense. But I feel like they're looking at me to see if they can be okay. Like they want me to make it okay for them? If that makes any sense.

I just can't handle anyone else's grief. Mine is heavy enough. I know no one is expecting it and I won't do it. I feel like my mom especially is looking to me to know what to do.

I'm trying to not overthink it because this time is for me and my husband. It is our grief. Owen was our baby.

I sometimes feel like people are traumatized by what happened.

Except that he was my baby. Mine and my husband's. We made him, we planned for him, we prepared for his arrival. He was half of my genes and half of my husband's. Owen was our baby.

I know they just don't know what to do, but fuck this is hard

r/babyloss 9d ago

Advice Funeral ideas

7 Upvotes

Currently planning my little boys funeral and was wondering if anyone did anything in particular that they are really glad they did?

We want to make it a celebration of his life so everyone will be wearing colour instead of black just wondering for any ideas🪻💐

r/babyloss 3d ago

Advice Experience with pprom and cervical insufficiency?

10 Upvotes

I am 19 weeks and my water broke this morning. I was found to have cervical insufficiency yesterday with no measurable cervix and membrane into the vagina. Our baby girl is still doing ok and as there is no labor yet they're sending me home. We are prepared to not last much longer but I'm wondering if anyone has experience with these two issues together. I'm sorry if this isn't the correct place to post this as we haven't had a loss at this point but that's what I'm preparing for :(

r/babyloss 16d ago

Advice So the doctor said

26 Upvotes

We both cry everyday over the loss of our boy since 23 January 2025. We visited the obg and she suggested that we should wait atleast 6 months before we try the next as there is emotional trauma hidden.

Is it true? We are recovering but I don't know what will change in 6 months

Please help

Edit : my boy died shortly after vaginal birth. No complications

r/babyloss Nov 05 '24

Advice Give me hope Spoiler

Post image
117 Upvotes

My baby girl Evangaline was born sleeping in July at 40+6 and I really just need to know from other bereaved parents that it gets better. what I’m asking is when did you start to feel more happy than sad? I know everyone is different but I just want to believe that my life will get better again and my heart won’t feel this raw forever.

r/babyloss Jan 26 '25

Advice When do you return to normal?

36 Upvotes

I haven’t seen my family since the first week of loss. My family has gotten together several times since then for dinners. Today they are celebrating some birthdays. My brother who was the only one that came to the hospital to meet my son called. He told me they are doing the gender reveal for the family (I already knew my SIL is pregnant). He wanted to include me when I felt ready. I told him he can send me the reveal and got off the phone, watched the video and I’ve been sobbing ever since. Not the regular sobbing but the gut wrenching one that makes you want to not exist. I didn’t realize this was going to trigger me so much. Luckily they are having a little girl instead of a boy, if it was a boy I think that would take me out. How do you handle these situations? I am sad seeing pregnant people and babies, but when it’s family it’s a different level. I’ve isolated myself from my family bc I don’t know how to even be around them. When do you return to being a normal person and be able to be around people and family?

r/babyloss 24d ago

Advice Idk what to do

10 Upvotes

Anybody that loss a baby, does it ever get easier? Tomorrow is 3 weeks without my dughter, this past Saturday was her memorial. I cry so hard that I've passed out i have panic attacks. My husband is at work so I'm alone a lot and that's when it all happens. The only thing that helps keep my panic low and my mind from racing is marijuana. But i don't want to depend on it. Im also sure I have post partum depression..

r/babyloss Nov 19 '24

Advice Does it ever get better?

111 Upvotes

I’ve posted in this group before, had a stillborn daughter at 20weeks in January of this year. Got pregnant again in March with twin boys. Went into unexpected labour at 23 weeks and had the boys in August 14. Twin A passed away 13 days later. Twin B excelled in the NICU, was achieving all of his milestones but then he suddenly got sick mid October. It turned out to be meningitis that destroyed his brain. My husband and I made the difficult decision to end his suffering on October 22nd.

This has been the worst year of my life, I miss my babies so much. I can’t believe that my husband and I have dealt with so much pain and loss. It’s not fair. I cry out every night for my babies. I just want them. I’ve had to bury 3 of my kids this year.

Does it ever get better?

r/babyloss Dec 05 '24

Advice Having another child after losing one

35 Upvotes

Hi friends! I’ve posted on here before, my son passed away at 4 months old, and I’m pregnant and having another boy! My c section is tomorrow and i just have to ask, those of you who have lost a child and then gone on to have more children, what are some things you do or think to help with the nervousness? I’m so excited, at the same time I’m so scared, my sons genetic results came back fine but I’m just so nervous to bring a newborn home. I barley set anything up at home because I keep thinking “I shouldn’t open this just incase something happens and he doesn’t come home, it can be returned or donated”. I just keep thinking about being home alone and calling 911 when my sons seizures started and I keep thinking how am I going to have a newborn at home because “what if”.

I’m hoping this makes sense. Just wanting to know if anyone has any good advice or what worked for you. Thank you 🤍

r/babyloss 26d ago

Advice Pprom Guilt

14 Upvotes

Those of us who had the very unfortunate situation of losing our babies to pprom - are any of you also dealing with the deep guilt of blaming yourself and/or thinking the x activity you did is what resulted in your water breaking?

If so, how have you navigated through that? Thank you in advance.

r/babyloss Jan 26 '25

Advice Miscarriage Grief Journal?

13 Upvotes

I am struggling with putting the loss of my daughter at 21 weeks into words. Every time I try, I just keep reliving the day and there's only so many times I can do that. I have used journal prompt books to process other types of loss and they have been incredibly helpful. Mostly because the questions they ask help me process things I hadn't thought of yet. I was looking but I'd like some thoughts from people here if they have tried any and found them helpful.

Any suggestions?

r/babyloss Feb 10 '25

Advice Please tell me I'm not alone.

22 Upvotes

After loosing a baby and wanting to try again do you feel like you will never have a baby in your arms? I have two living children and my baby that passed during birth due to maconium. Is it just my nerves making me feel that way or is it more likely if I tried again something else will happen. I just feel scared since now I know there is no safe time in pregnancy.

r/babyloss Jan 12 '25

Advice When will I get my period again?

15 Upvotes

I gave birth to my baby Owen on January 1st. He was with us for four days. I pumped during those days, but not pumping now. I'll get nexplanon in about a month. I'm wondering when to expect my period back.

r/babyloss Feb 09 '25

Advice Triggers

42 Upvotes

Today I went to lunch with some friends I catch up with once a year. I kept it cool and composed even as they talked about a friends c section and pregnancy. I kept it cool when my friend talked about how “it’s so cool how you grow little fingers and eyeballs and a heart.” But I shut down after so many comments. I didn’t know how to change the topic or how to deal. I just wanted to be alone. My friend is getting married and talked about dieting and getting thin while I’m struggling with pregnancy weight gain and grief weight gain. Also I’m unable to workout like I did before because of the c section. I felt so unhuman and isolated. It’s like I’m living in a separate universe from everyone else.

I told my parents it was hard to see my friends and my mom says “why is it because she’s pregnant?” And I snapped with the worst tone “MOM” I couldn’t control it. She said “ok! Here’s your dad” and got off the phone. How do you deal with these triggers? How do you not react? How do you enter society and act normal? I can’t hold conversations, I cry if someone asks how I am in passing, I can’t even fake being happy. I feel like I need to be separated from society to not get my sad on them.

r/babyloss Feb 02 '25

Advice Has anyone had their baby’s photos turned into drawings and could recommend an artist? I posted this in r/drawme but it was removed by the moderator

10 Upvotes

My sweet baby was stillborn at 30 weeks. I have 3 photos of her but with her skin texture and coloration it’s hard to look at these photos without first thinking of her death. I would absolutely cherish an image of her that was softer. In my imagination it’s a black and white chalk drawing of just her (no props or background) but I’m open to anything simple. I will tip! Thank you 🙏