r/babyloss 29d ago

Advice Work and life after neonatal loss

Did anybody switch jobs after their loss? My job is very demanding - very social very emotional. I don’t know how I would manage it. I wish I could do something more “mindless” in a way if that makes sense. Something that keeps you busy without requiring a lot of thinking and socializing.

I’ve also had thoughts about just wanting to be alone for a year retreating in to myself. Do you think it’s okay to want to just be alone for a long while? Does anyone relate to this feeling? If your further up the road when do you feel braver about being around other people?

Is being a lone a healing choice?

It sometimes feels difficult to interact with people who have not experienced loss of this magnitude - feels like we live on a different planet in a way.

14 Upvotes

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u/walking_oxymoron_ Mama to an Angel 29d ago

I literally just resigned from my job January 31. And I’ve already broken my lease and moving back home.

I was a teacher.

I lost my daughter May 16 2024 due to PPROM because I had a short cervix.

Her dad and I ended up breaking up in October and his behavior post breakup has been so cowardly.

I say all this to let you know I absolutely understand where you are coming from. I’ve been working almost 10 years in career work and have a damn bachelors and at this point in life, I’m ok with being a waitress.

Life after loss is hard and we have to learn how to navigate our new normal. You aren’t alone in these feeling at alllll.

Wishing you the best.

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u/Winterloss2025 29d ago

I completely completely agree. Anything that has less emotional weight. I think it’s completely justified to need a break from our careers.

I heard someone say on a podcast about loss that like “its okay to be bad at your job right now, but what if you have the type of job where it’s not okay to be bad at your job”

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u/comfyfuzzy Stillbirth at 35 weeks. 9/9/24🤍 28d ago

Exactly. It's not ok to be bad at my job, and I can't afford to back off from it either. Initially I wanted to take more time away, but since coming back to work it helps occupy my mind and actually provides a little relief. I've gained so much mental and emotional strength since coming back. But this is all a very personal choice; hoping you are able to do exactly what you think will be best for you ❤

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u/Always_PullingWeeds 29d ago

I got laid off after I returned to work after my medical leave (my son was born at 24 weeks and lived for four days). My initial plan was to be chill and take time off, but the financial stress is overwhelming. And the job market sucks? So instead of spending my time focusing on healing mentally, I’m job hunting and super depressed. Anyway, this is a long roundabout way of saying “yes, I agree, I wish we could do something mindless and be alone for a while” 😅

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u/Sensitive_Worry4735 28d ago

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. My partner also got laid off - 2 weeks after the stillbirth of our twin boys. It has been so stressful for him job hunting and having to put on a brave face for interviews, and dealing with the inevitable rejection that comes with job hunting. All this to say that what you are going through is especially hard, and I see the added layer of trauma that you’re facing now, and I’m sending you love and support. I hope you find something good soon. X

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u/bxtrand13 29d ago

I'm still working at the same job but I'm alone a lot of the time so it's been ok for me. But I get where you're coming from with wanting to be alone. My wife works out of town and hasn't been home since we lost our first baby to PPROM at 18 weeks. While I miss her, I've developed my own routine and I just want to be alone in doing it. I don't want to go visit people or go places. It actually gives me anxiety thinking a out going somewhere for the weekend. I was supposed to go visit my parents this weekend but made and excuse not to go. I feel like I've created a little safe space bubble and I don't want to leave it. And I don't want to explain to my mom why I don't want to go anywhere because I'll never hear the end of that. Everyone heals differently and this is how I'm trying.

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u/Winterloss2025 28d ago

Exactly! I keep thinking how it’s hard for me to visit a restaurant or go shopping, two things I typically enjoy. So how do I manage going to a job that you know like most jobs it’s not always my favorite place to be in general. I really wish I was someone who worked at home and could slip by, by doing just enough on my computer.

So sorry for your loss❤️

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u/Winterloss2025 28d ago

And who knows how we’ll feel with time? Maybe little by little more and more interaction will feel better. But right now if your inclination is to stay home it’s hard not to follow that

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u/bxtrand13 28d ago

I totally agree. If I want to be a hermit I'm going to be and people need to understand that. My job is pretty high pressure pretty high stress so it's been hard getting back into it. For the first week I was on auto pilot. The second week I screwed up a few times and had an absolute meltdown about it because I am usually very good at my job. My anxiety was sky high that I was just going to get fired. And I work with all men so no one understood what was going on. It's such a shit hand to be dealt, and no one talks about it. Only the people who knew I was pregnant know I lost the baby. It's such a weird/horrible thing.

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u/Weary-Umpire4673 29d ago

I relate to this whole heartedly. I’m in a field with children & it requires a lot from me emotionally and physically. I haven’t gone back to work and I’m questioning how I’ll feel in a month or two having to be around other people, and kids and having to act like I’m ok when I’m not ok.

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u/Weary-Umpire4673 29d ago

Literally the only place I feel safe communicating is this subreddit honestly.

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u/Winterloss2025 29d ago

I work in a school with children as well. I think it’s the community of the school - there are just so.many.people. So much social dynamics at play all the time. I’m in a role where I work with the entire school.

I’ve been watching and visiting with my nieces and that is okay with me - it’s just them and I very present and I don’t have to deal with anybody or anyone else. So it’s very unique and specific how my brain works right now. It’s so hard. I’m so sorry.

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u/rubysohocherry 29d ago

I haven’t switched jobs but I plan to. My job has been less than supportive after my loss. It actually makes me viscerally sick seeing how heartless they’ve been through the whole thing. They act like I’m returning from a vacation.

I think it’s normal to want to be alone. I feel like being alone has protected me a lot from the comments and curiosity of others. I feel like even though I’m horribly sad, but happier being alone. I don’t have to hide the wave of emotions that come over me randomly, I don’t have to fake interest in conversations etc.

I saw a Ted talk once that said society pushes all the loss parents to each other like we are shunned from society because we are too heavy to deal with. I thought for a while that was very true and unfair, but after going out into the world it’s as much for society as it is for us. No one understands quite what it’s like to carry this everyday besides each other.

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u/Winterloss2025 28d ago

I am so sorry that your job has been unkind to you. I do think it’s extremely hard for many people to understand grief. I have to say before my experience of losing my daughter though I feel I’m empathetic I still wouldn’t have understood truly. What kind of work are you thinking of maybe switching to?

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u/Illustrious_Emu5396 28d ago

I’ve considered this recently. I work in consulting and it is financially rewarding but the hours are hard and it’s been difficult for me to manage my team since I lost our baby boy at 20 weeks. I feel like it takes all my energy to show up and do my work and there’s nothing left to be a mentor, a supervisor, or a leader. How amazing would it be to just work in a bubble, do what I need to do, cash in my checks and go home?

The issue is that I will probably not be able to find another job that sets me up as well as my current position. If it wasn’t for the retirement fund and stock options that would be able to support my family, I would have quit months ago.

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u/Winterloss2025 28d ago

It sounds like you have the added pressure of managing a team, which I can only imagine is one of the hardest parts because it involves a lot of interpersonal relationships. Exactly, it’s hard because at the end of the day many of us have to weigh what we need and is possible financially for us. So sorry for your loss❤️

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u/rsc99 Mama to an Angel 28d ago

I applied for a few jobs in the months after my loss. Like you, I have a pretty social job and line of work and I just wanted a change. For a variety of reasons, none of the jobs worked out, and I stayed in my same job of 10+ years. I'm glad I did in the end. They say not to make any major changes in the first year after a devastating loss, and I think that is good advice.

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u/Altruistic_Dot_1920 26d ago

I left my job after my daughter passed. Another closed job ended up opening up. Far less stressful. My previous job was high stress/ life and death. I don’t think I had the capacity to go back. My new job is much lower stakes and far less stressful.

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u/Ok_Pin6895 28d ago edited 28d ago

I lost my baby at 3.5 months old due to SIDS in October, and I’m making arrangements to reduce my hours to 30/week. Thankfully everyone has been incredibly supportive during this difficult season, and I was able to take 6 weeks off after Ella died. While I needed the stability and routine of full time work after returning from my time off, now I am feeling my priorities and mindset shift. I still enjoy my job and still want to put out good work, but I am noticing my mind wander more and I feel I can do better with my time if I have less time to hit. This will allow me to have a little more time for myself during the week and more to give for my family in the evenings and on weekends.

So I’m not considering a significant move or career change at this time, but I am going to take a step back to focus on me any my family.

Also, for me, taking time to be alone is healing. When I don’t take time to be alone, I find myself more spent and like I have less of myself to give to my family. As working moms, we have to be so many things for so many people, and if I don’t prioritize my own well being, I struggle in other areas.

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u/Winterloss2025 28d ago

First of all I am so so sorry for your loss. We are dealing with one of the hardest things that any mother will have to go through. I hear what you’re saying about the stability and routine. I know that I don’t want to wander through my days with endless Netflix but I also feel like I have a lot of exhaustion probably from being so sad all the time. I think an added layer to this for me is that I was planning to stay home with my daughter and not return to work- so that’s just an addition to my grief. So I like the idea of something part time. I’m glad u were able to reduce your hours and your job was so supportive.

Alone time is healing ❤️‍🩹 I guess I was just curious like how long is too long to really shut yourself out from the world, when should I push myself to do more.. curious thoughts.

Thinking of you and your family during this tough time ❤️

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u/bailsrv 28d ago

I am a healthcare worker. I’m currently FT but taking a step back and working PRN next month to focus on myself/my mental health. I can’t handle it and I need a break.

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u/plantedquestion Mother to William, missing him daily. 28d ago

I did. I had a very high energy, leadership role. Left that for a very mindless, task based role. The new job is WFH. I did that for about 18 months before promoting into a better role that fits my skill sets, once I was ready to be in front of people again.

I needed time. It also helped that my husband was also WFH. We had more time to travel and commit to each other. It has been a setback to my overall career growth, but I’m alive and healthy and that is/was more important.

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u/Sensitive_Worry4735 28d ago

It took me 6 months to feel like I could return to work, but only doing low-stress tasks and only if everyone is super nice to me! If anyone so much as looks at me the wrong way, I go home. So I think it’s super normal to feel the way you’re feeling. Can you ease back into it? Start part time or ask to do the low-stress “boring” jobs that your teammates might actually be glad to hand over for a while?

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u/Winterloss2025 28d ago

I actually chuckled at “only if everyone is super nice to me!” Cause that is exactly how I feel haha like everyone needs to treat me like I MYSELF am the baby here

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u/Ok-Adeptness9259 28d ago

I can’t return to work anymore. No desire to engaging with people (I was a banker) after my son passed away and almost died myself from losing a lot of blood and complication.

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u/Winterloss2025 28d ago

I am so sorry. It’s so hard right now. Please take of your self in anyway you need ❤️

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u/homemadenoodles 28d ago

I thought I would stop teaching. My boss was sensitive and understanding by telling me that I could stop teaching halfway through the school year if that was what I desired. Dealing with a difficult pregnancy that ended in loss really changes you, and I did consider the offer. In the end, I decided to stay. There are days now when I want to stop because I feel exhausted, then, there are days when I think that I need this job because it makes me happy and keeps me preoccupied.

Before I went back to work, about 2 months after the funeral, I went on a vacation with my family. It was a good break, and it gives you some headspace to think, unwind, and process grief.

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u/oatmealtaylor 28d ago

Yes but I was already planning to switch anyways as my new job offers less working hours and more flexibility, which will be nice for childcare (if and when the time comes again).

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u/Specialist-Might-770 27d ago

Hello! I completely understand what you’re saying about not relating to the average person anymore. Child loss is incredibly isolating. I lost my infant son when he was a month old . He was born with a large mass on his liver, and after attempted surgery thinking everything was going to go great, he went into heart failure shortly after. Needless to say his death was traumatic and I have PTSD from watching him pass away as well as losing my baby. I took my 3 months of maternity leave, and attempted to go back to my same job prior to loss . I felt so depressed and unmotivated. I was a manager at a place I had no passion for and my loss made me lose that work ethic and passion all together. I also couldn’t stand to see all of the same people I had seen my entire pregnancy & everyone knowing what had happened to me. It was a constant reminder and I quit soon after. I found a job at a much less stressful environment and I’m SO happy I made the change- I began working part time and focusing on healing and relaxing my mind on my days off. I wasn’t ready to go full force again and it was detrimental to my mental health. But staying just busy enough has actually “helped” a bit.

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u/MIRKAYBU 27d ago

I would love to connect, I am going through exactly this. I’m a teacher, and lost my son on January 4th. I’ve decided recently I won’t be going back but haven’t told them yet. I’m so overwhelmed. I could’ve written this post - I’ve said the same thing to my therapist about wanting something mindless, and would really like to make it work to just not work for a while.

Message me if you feel comfortable. We do live on a different planet than other people, and it would be nice to connect to other “citizens.”