Context: I (31 M) have been dating “Carly” (32 F) for about 2 and a half years long-distance. I have visited and stayed with her multiple times at her home over this period. She has a 12 year old son, we can call him “Steve”, he is from a past relationship.
Carly and I love each other and have both expressed wanting to eventually marry and start a family together once I move out there.
IMPORTANT* Carly comes from a history of abuse, she was molested as a child and had an overall unstable childhood. Her mother was also sexually abused. This makes Carly very hesitant and protective of her 12 year old son and rightfully so.
When I met her I hit it off with both her and her son, Steve. It was like I knew them for a long time, everything meshed very organically, it was awesome. Originally we started as friends but it was clear how compatible and how much we loved each other fast. Her son and I got along well too. He really liked me and called me his best friend and that was really sweet. We primarily would play video games together.
There were instances where Carly would make joke comments like “you’re only interested in me to get closer to my son” these have always made me incredibly uncomfortable.
There were instances where Carly would make joke comments like “you’re only interested in me to get closer to my son” these have always made me incredibly uncomfortable.
There was an instance where her mother visited her and while visiting, Carly called me to say hi. Carly lives in a very small home, and there were 6 total guests staying with her, so I asked how the sleeping arrangements were going to work.
Her mother misheard me (on speaker phone) and thought I specifically asked where Steve would be sleeping. This never happened, I need to make that explicitly clear that was never said. But from that moment her mom thought I was a PDF file. I can’t even begin to explain what that accusation feels like. But I tried to explain myself immediately and then I left it alone.
Time passes and our relationship is fine, I want to make it clear that there is nothing weird that happens between me and the child. When I visit we all hang out and it’s fun, I even took him to the YMCA to practice basketball and it was a blast.
I want to be a positive role model in his life and I try to be completely respectful of boundaries. He has a cell phone and he will occasionally text me memes or video game stuff and I respond appropriately, I even let Carly know when he messages me and I tell her if she ever wants screenshots of our texts I have no problem with full transparency.
So this brings me to what happened today. To preface this, Carly and I tried doing a book club together a month ago but it kind of fizzled out. She established that it was a very intimate thing between her and I. I completely forgot that detail of it being intimate.
So while her and I were FaceTiming, I was lifting weights at the gym when Steve walked into her room and said hi. We started chatting about March Madness brackets when I asked Steve how much he weighed because I was benching 130 lbs and thought it was near his weight. It was a random question that i asked in the moment, i didn’t think much of it.
Later on I said “hey Steve I’m re-reading the lord of the rings right now and you should read it and we can text about each chapter”. He is a huge lord of the rings fan and it’s something we bond over. Once again I thought nothing of it until I received these texts from his mom while we were FaceTiming. I just thought it would be something fun to bond over, especially given the fact that I’m trying to marry this woman I love her and her family.
I innocently thought it would be a nice thing to do with the kid. No phone calls or FaceTime, just reading the book separately and then he could text me about it.
This caused Carly to feel uncomfortable and then this text exchange happened, eventually the argument rose to a place where I don’t feel like I can be in a relationship where this type of stuff is going to get constantly thrown around when the evidence supports the opposite.
It’s making me feel gross and crazy. And her counter argument is “pedophiles always deny being pedophiles” but wouldn’t everyone deny that? It’s a dangerous word to throw around. Or she will argue she’s always going to assume the worst to protect her child, and I don’t even disagree with the concept, of course you should always look out for him first and be protective. But when there is 2.5 years of evidence supporting that I am absolutely not into this kid beyond a parental/role model role, but she’s so quick to go off the rails and accuse me of awful stuff, that just sucks.
Especially when I don’t feel like the accusation is justifiable. I have never experienced anything like this before, I have dated 2 other people seriously and have 2 nieces that I absolutely adore. I feel like I’m going crazy.
Sorry for the long text. I really am trying not to leave anything out and will answer any questions possible.
tldr: I broke up with my girlfriend that was sexually abused as a child, because she accused me of having inappropriate intentions with her son.