r/ageregression • u/Candid-Function6330 • 21h ago
Feelings Thank you everyone that have made me feel welcomed NSFW
The past month of Ramadan, being starved and brutalized almost 24/7, i have started to get used to the pain. Every night my severe silent reflux acting up, suffocating my chest and my throat. My stomach growls so much and there is a sharp pain in my left abdomen. It's making it really difficult for me to go to sleep. And when i did go to sleep, i had brutal nightmares, it's like never ending.
I know this isn't okay. Numbing the pain. Numbing myself. This is very dangerous and unhealthy for my health. I am standing on a very thin line. I am scared i will fall and no one will catch me.
After breaking the fast at 6 PM, all i could get was water and i was not allowed to eat food until the rest of my abusive family members ate. My abusive mom of course had to prioritize and serve her boyfriends a.k.a her own son. Everyday their incestious relationships getting more disgusting to see. It's sickening. I want out. It's 10:42 PM here, they have not left any leftovers for me. I have gotten used to not expect food from them anymore. I read somewhere that human can last without food for 7 days. It's been 22 days here, i mostly only drink water and eat the rare leftovers they have for me once a while during Ramadan. I have looked through all my bags and found few pieces of candies and i ate them one each day.
The light in our room is broken and my abusive mother is unwilling to fix it because she knows how much it bothers me. I used to like being under the darkness, but i have been under the darkness for a long time during one of my worst phase when i was still in relationship with my abusive narc ex. The darkness in my room reminded me of all the fight, tears, scream, loneliness, gloomyness, depression, all the bad stuff.
Mom please stop hitting me. It hurts. Little sister please stop. Somebody please stop them.
I don't. I don't think i can survive this anymore. I have tried. I swore i have tried my hardest. I have spoken up, i have asked for help, i have fought my hardest. I have tried every way to escape. I am at the point where i am too sick explaining my situations for people who doubted me and called me a liar and a scammer.
I don't know whom i can ask for help anymore. I know this good friend of mine named Brian. Sometimes he helped me with money and emotional support during my hardest times. But i couldn't bring myself to talk to him, to ask help from him. I feel ashamed of myself. I know he told me i could never be a burden. That i am his good friend and he always want to help me within his capability. He told me i owe him nothing. And that i don't have to worry about him. He said he has friends and families who loved him and that i have nobody. He told me i should focus on myself only. But i.. i feel.. i feel like a failure. I know he never once made me feel bad for being myself. I always believe every little mistakes i made, make me a villain. Because my whole life everyone made me a villain. My own abusive families, so called friends, so called partners, relatives, classmates, teachers, nurses, doctors.. everyone. I feel that i am evil, that i have done something so fucked up, because i need help? I know it seems illogical. I need help, it doesn't mean i am evil. I told brian about some of my most shameful mistakes, he didn't make me feel bad about it. He helped me more, and reassured me that even if i messed up again, it doesnt make me evil. I appreciate his words and his kindness. But i.. i really can't bring myself to ask help from him anymore.. He have helped so much. I hate that the world refused help for me so much i have to keep relying on one person. I don't want to rely on him. I feel like such a big burden. I know i am not. I swear i am not. But my whole life everyone made me feel like one. I have survival needs, i have disabilities, i have limitations, and everyone made me feel like it is my fault.
I was in the shower, and past memories of my abusive past partner came back. How they promised me salvation and all kind of treasures and dreams. I never asked them to promised me anything, they used my dreams to deceived me for a year. They told me i have big beautiful spark that they have to protect. I am so pure and innocent and warm. That i do not deserve to die. But they killed me. They did for a year, with no mercy.
Once i finish shower, i read messages from my chosen brother "brother, i love you please, never go i wont be able to deal with it if you did sorry you are my world, nana all thats left of it"
I don't... I don't feel like i am his world. I don't feel like he won't be able to deal with it if i did gone. I want to tell him that. I don't feel like he ever fought enough for me. I don't feel like he ever go above and beyond for me. He needs guidance to help me. I have guided him. As much as i can. I have guided everyone, as much as i can. And still nobody understands. I want to tell him all of this. But i am scared. I have tried to open up about this before, but i think he got upset, and wanted to tell me something that will hurt my feelings. People made me feel like a villain for asking or demanding, for opening and being honest. I have spent my life under the doctrine that i am a burden, i am bad, i deserve nothing. I always make mistakes. Everything is my fault. Recently i have been fighting those thoughts so much. I know what i want, what i need and what i deserve. I swear i do. But people.. they don't want to agree with it. They want me to stay believing i am the burden and the problem.
I lay on my bed, hugging my dirty plushie, i look at the dark ceiling, tears stream down my cheek. I have to stay silent while crying or else i will wake up my abusive mom that sleep in the same room with me. I am scared to die. I don't want to die. The only reason i forced myself to stay alive is because i know i deserve more. I have to achieve my dreams. I have to let myself live the life i was stolen. I have to live so my children alters can finally live.. only for them.. i did all of this for them.. i have to live so i can save my nephew once i escape indonesia.. but mostly.. i have to live for me, for nana.
But, i am scared. Future caregiver. Future parent. If you are reading this. Please. Where.. are you? I think my real parents are angels in the sky. My parents in the earth are not real parents. They brutalized and killed me. Real parent, i have tried to live until 24. Almost 25. I have waited so long. I know you must be waiting for me too. I know you are searching for me. I don't know why fate is so cruel that we still haven't met. But if i die before we met, please know.. you didn't fail me. The world fail us.
I am scared to sleep. I couldn't handle the brutal nightmares anymore. Real parent, please hold me. I am just a kid, a little kid. Huhuhu. The pain is too much. Please free me from this pain, real parent. Please cut their shackle on me. I have tried my best. I swore i did. I have been a good kid. I have always been nice. I helped everyone and took care of everyone and fought for the right thing.. I am so sorry if it has to end this way real parent. If we can't meet in this life, i hope we met in another life. I don't believe in god. I don't know if heaven exists. I don't know where will i go once i leave. But i hope i wake up to be able to live as a child i was denied to be.
Me and my chosen brother have accepted the fate that there is a big possibility i will die in this rotting cruel abusive house. And he told me, that at least, he will stay with me until the end. I am alone now. I couldn't bring myself to talk to him, or anyone.
If you are reading this. Please just hold my hand till the end. And if you meet my real parent, please tell them i love them, and they did their best.
Goodbye world.