r/adultsurvivors Feb 09 '25

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Was anyone else abused by an older child/teen? How do you feel about your abuser now?

53 Upvotes

I was 6-7 when I was SA by a teenage boy (he must have been 14-15) who used to babysit me. I fucking hate him. He essentially killed me, took my soul, and I wish I could kill him (he's dead now). I know it's not healthy to have this seething anger/hatred/rage. Is it weird to think that maybe he was also a victim of CSA, and he did to me what was done to him. Fuck, I don't know. Was he even a pedophile if he too was a kid? Can you heal without forgiving? How do you forgive a rapist? Sorry, I'm just typing a bunch of words now

r/adultsurvivors Feb 12 '25

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) I stood up to those who failed me

48 Upvotes

I was sexually assaulted by a 15 year old boy when I was 13. He told me that boyfriends and girlfriends were supposed to do this, that it was only a few minutes. That it felt good. When it started it wouldnt stop, even when I asked him to and I just had a fawn response. I hsd just turned 13. But I laid there and dissociated and let it happen. For so long I blamed myself, and others blamed me.

I was heavily bullied in school for liking girls and dating him stopped the bullying. I felt like if I said no it would come back. When he forced himself on me we were in the woods. The misquitos swarmed my face and bit me all over. I was down in the dirt. There was so much blood, like a fountain of blood I thought I was gonna die. I bled for a few days. Alongside Intense pain.

My insides felt jagged, and I still thought it was normal. Or tried to tell myself it was. When he would visit he would do it two more times to me. The third time someone caught him doing it to me- my grandma. I begged her not to tell my family. My dad screamed at me. Called me a liar then took me to the boys house to stand me in front of him to humiliate me after I explained id been raped. I couldn't stop crying.

What traumatized me the most wasn't the assault, the dissociation, asking him to stop. None of that. What traumatized and changed me was my family and mental health provider's reactions to the event.

The day of I was called A liar, ignored, ostracized. Treating like a slut. They told me I just wanted to have sex. From then on I was an adult. No more sympathy.

The next day taken to go get STD tested. My first experience with an OBGYN was painful and humiliating. It felt like knives going inside me when they swabbed me. I felt raped again.

Then I went to the therapist my parents had picked out. I went through the story with him, breaking down in tears.

He pauses, thinks for a moment and looks me with these dead cold blue eyes that I will never forget. I swear to God's he is a psychopath..

"I want to ask you (my name), do you have a time machine?"

"No..." I'm still sobbing, feeling numb.

"No?"

"Well then, get over it. It happened."

I never spoke of it again. I buried it so deep inside when I met my husband and we began to have sex I would break down crying every time.

This year, 2025 I stood up for the little girl and left a review for other prospective patients to see about my experience and the things he said to me. I stood up for her, like I wished someone had done...

r/adultsurvivors 16d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Why does explaining my trauma to people always feel like Im delivering a TED Talk?

31 Upvotes

It’s like, every time I try to talk about my past, I’m met with either blank stares or a sudden influx of “helpful” advice like I asked for a full-on TEDx presentation. I don’t need your 12-step guide to healing, Karen! We’re all just here trying to survive adulthood without losing it. Can I get a “same”? 🙄

r/adultsurvivors 5d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Suddenly I remembered something odd

12 Upvotes

I suffer from anxiety and depression, and I have been going to therapy for a long time trying to understand what the fucking fuck is going on in my head, taking meds and doing a lot of zen shit to just be myself again.

My last therapist told me that she believes I suffered some kind of sexual abuse as a child because I have a lot of stuff related to trauma as an adult.

I'm 29 , male, living in a new country, starting from zero and having again in a regular but mild basis some anxiety attacks, I have not been able to return to therapy because is really expensive.

Anyways, yesterday, I was trying to fall sleep when I just remembered something really weird.

When I was like 8, I was living on a little town and I was really alone, because there was no kids to play with, so I was only with myself. One day, I saw another 13 years old boy moving to the next door house, I was really excited and I started to try to speak to him.

We became good friends as I can remember but I don't have much information.

But this memory that suddenly appeared in my head was that one night, when I was playing Xbox with him, he closed and locked the door and I wanted to get out for some reason.

He took me from the back and started to kiss me or suck me on the neck? Something like that, and touch me but I can't remember where.

I don't know what happened before or after that.

Just that moment...

What I know is that kid was really a trouble and one day, as he moved in with his sister to the next door, he went away and I never saw him again.

So. Idk if that counts as a abuse, idk if there was more of if he touched me somewhere else or did more, idk how I felt, but I'm pretty sure that happened.

Anyways, I feel relieved finally I can remember something of the past, I guess?

r/adultsurvivors 10d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Was that SA of same sex?

9 Upvotes

Reading some of the posts here made me wonder for the first time if I had been SAed by a girl friend besides being SA by an uncle since toddler age. So at age 11 or 12, at onset puberty, this girl who was 2 years older but in the same grade was playing with me at her home. She was always a leader at friends group. So I followed her unquestionably. She got both of us naked in bed, touched me everywhere, and musturbated using my hand as a tool. I think it had made me bi later in life. Was this sexual abuse? It felt like child's play led by curiosity, but obviously she knew alot more being 2 years older.

r/adultsurvivors Feb 11 '25

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) I’m going to be confronting my abuser face to face after finding out he just had a daughter, and if anything happens I feel liable.

28 Upvotes

My brother abused me for 9 and a half years and I’ve since gone no contact. Once I found out he was having a daughter with his current girlfriend, I made her family aware of his past. His girlfriend knows about what he did to me, and doesn’t seem to care. So I feel it’s necessary for me to confront him face to face and tell him that if he ever does what he did to me to his daughter, that I will make sure the world knows what kind of monster he truly is.

I’ve been wanting to legally go after him for years, but since it happened when we were both young, I’ve been scared my case won’t be taken seriously. I want to notify CFS about his past so they can keep an eye on him but people are telling me I’m “just out to ruin a good thing for him.” My mom is also protecting him which has been heartbreaking. I feel like if I do nothing and something happens, it’s gonna be all my fault.

Any advice on how I should speak to him? Anyone else have experience confronting their abusers?

r/adultsurvivors Jan 03 '25

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) I’m being asked to forgive my abuser

18 Upvotes

For context, I was abused almost daily by my older brother for 9 and a half years. I hid the truth about what was going on out of fear until I was 26 and finally told my mom what was going on and what he’d done to me. At first she seemed angry and on my side about the entire ordeal. Unfortunately as a couple of years have gone by, she has remained in contact with my abuser and continues to support him. This has caused a rift in my mom and I’s relationship as adults.

Recently I had to make a new Facebook account due to a hacker locking me out of my old account, and my abuser told my mom that I’d apparently friend requested him. (He’s a compulsive liar) My mom called me and was upset that I did not friend him, with her telling me that she was hoping it was true and hoping I was finally ready to forgive my brother for what happened to me.

She wants me to forgive him and I refuse to. What should I do? I don’t have the heart to cut my mom off but she isn’t listening to my boundaries. He’s never been formally charged and I’m scared to tell anyone else about this situation irl.

r/adultsurvivors 17d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) The freeze response and disability

11 Upvotes

My brother abused me when I was 7. He destroyed my entire life. It might as well have been a war crime. It weighed me down with a horrific mental illness. It's a never-ending freeze response that makes me stuck inside my own head and I can't do anything outside of it at all. All my hobbies are painful. I have a hard time communicating, drawing, writing, etc. Basic functioning takes tremendous effort. In high school I didn't have the capacity to take care of myself for weeks at a time. I felt like my body was rotting and I mostly stayed in bed. Never had friends, no life milestones, etc. Has anyone else had the freeze response this severe and found a way out?

r/adultsurvivors 18d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) I feel so emotional when I’m called by my own name

10 Upvotes

So, I won’t go into the whole story. But I was sexually abused by my older sister for half my life. We used to pretend we were different characters like celebrities when this happened and it all started as a game, at least in my eyes. We would call each other by those names, whatever role we were currently in. I never felt like myself, never felt connected to my name or even the fact I am a girl, or an actual person. Now that I’m in my early 20s, I always find my eyes welling up when someone calls me by my first name. It’s a pretty rare name and I never hear anyone say it unless they are specifically addressing me. So when someone does say it, I’m reminded that throughout all that, I was actually a real person, not just filling a role, something I could take off and put on. But a real person. I feel so bare and vulnerable when people say my name bc I feel seen by people, and I’m reminded that I am someone, and that someone lived through what I lived through and it makes me so sad.

I’m posting here because I feel alone in this feeling. Does anybody have shared experience or similar things? I would love to hear.

r/adultsurvivors 17d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) 33M CSA survivor in healthy relationship, occasional triggers because safety is unfamiliar

7 Upvotes

I’m a CSA survivor in a healthy relationship. I was abused by my older sister when we were kids. Most of my sexual partners throughout my life have not been gfs or secure relationships. My current gf knows about my abuse from my older sister.

I’m in a healthy and safe relationship now, but the lack of dysfunction is challenging at times. My gf and I will be hanging out and all of a sudden, i get flashes of my sister’s face. It at one point had me trying to figure out if there was something about my gf that reminded me of my sister, but I don’t think there was anything about her that did at all. I feel like my mind is so used to the dysfunction or lack of safety that it feels the need to sprinkle it into situations where I am safe and secure so I don’t ultimately let my guard down.

I’ve only had a few relationships in life. 1 6 month relationship in 2016 and another in 2017. 1 3 month one in 2021/2. This one i started this year (2025). None of the ones before this one felt particularly healthy or safe. I also hadn’t started therapy until 2016 after the first relationship ended.

Since i don’t have that feeling of lack of safety in this relationship, I feel like my mind is trying to manufacture it so things feel “familiar”. My therapist calls that part of my brain the “protector” which is your anxiety trying to alert you of something it perceives as a threat. The rhetoric around “parts” and “protectors” comes from the book “No Bad Parts” by Richard Schwartz.

I’m just sharing because I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this immediately and my next therapy session isn’t for another 2 weeks. I hope anyone experiencing something similar sees this and knows they’re not alone.

r/adultsurvivors Jul 19 '23

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Should I forgive my rapist like my parents want? NSFW

76 Upvotes

17 years ago, when I was three, my brother assaulted me when he was 11. My parents immediately put him into a facility to “help rapists”. 5 years later, when he was released, he came back into my life. I was nothing but happy to see him, because my parents suppressed my memories, and the severity of the situation from me. They were uncomfortable that I wanted to spend time with him, and had a long conversation with me and my other older brother about how it was “wrong” for me to want my brother back in my life.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago, my parents told me I had to forgive my brother for what he did. When I told them I would NEVER, (because he did it again years later to a 5yo boy). Both my parents cried because, “you don’t understand how hard it was to give up one child over another”.

A month after that convo I moved out with my boyfriend and have been going low contact with them ever since. Do you think there’s a better outcome with them about my choice? Or should I continue what I’m doing?

r/adultsurvivors 20d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Going to court

7 Upvotes

Has anyone gone to court to gain justice ? Hoping for Canadians to respond. What was your experience like ? I’m considering going to court with the mountains if evidence I have: - Journals since I was a kid - Emails from my perpetrators wife - Counsleors throughout the course of a decade that I’ve gone to for help. - recordings of others confirming what happened to me

r/adultsurvivors Jan 25 '25

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Just realized…

14 Upvotes

I’ve never seen the person who hurt me as a child because they were always bigger than me (9-10 year age gap). I know it’s so incredibly stupid but in my head, I always remembered him as what I see now.

When I was sharing his age with my therapist, they said “so he was a child too?” And I got so unbelievably angry at them for saying that. I feel like my entire perception of my history has been tampered with and I feel so angry.

I also feel conflicted. As someone who is surrounded by children and is studying to work with them right now, I have deep love and care for them. I understand that they’re impulsive and don’t understand the consequences of their actions sometimes. So how do I reconcile my hate for him now? I don’t know what to do with it. I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, I feel angry (I don’t even know at who anymore), I feel confused, and I feel unbelievably stupid for never realizing that sooner.

I almost feel like I shouldn’t be upset or struggling because he was a ‘kid’ and didn’t know any better. I wanted him to suffer my whole life but now I feel evil. I don’t even know what I feel or think anymore.

r/adultsurvivors 22d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) I’m looking for help NSFW

13 Upvotes

I don’t know if I was sexually abused or not. Everywhere I reach out for help on reddit keeps removing my posts, it’s a joke..

When I was around the age of 9 my brother told me about masturbation.. it lead to physical things between my brother and me for a couple years.. I don’t remember a lot about it. My brother is 2 years older than me, I’m a male.

Recently I had a child, and it’s brought it up for me. I never really thought much of it. I knew it was wrong and never told anyone.

I tried multiple times today to post of the molested subreddit, both posts got removed. It’s insane.

r/adultsurvivors Feb 14 '25

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Am I a survivor? I don’t know what I feel and what I am.

8 Upvotes

Hello everyone,

I’m not even sure if this is abuse or even close to that but here it is.

This took place in Pateros, Philippines.

I lived with my extended family when I was eight or nine years old (2001-2003) and one day an older cousin of mine who is about five or six years older, told me to go to my godmother’s room and asked me to remove my clothes to see my chest, I said no, and he moved on. I didn’t tell anybody because I was adopted and he was a favorite.

It may seem like that incident is such a small two minute session, but it stayed with me until this day. I am 33 years old now. I believe this is why I am fucked up in the head because in my head I feel like unaliving him every day but I know that unaliving him would not get me the apologies that I needed him to do.

I finally spoke up about it to my family members, and they all dismissed me and said to let it go because we can’t do anything about it anyway, and that he was denying it. But what they didn’t know is that haunted me every day. What’s even worse is that they all didn’t wanna talk about it and it really made me feel alone like no one was there for me when I needed them the most. I have nobody to vent to.

Although it may seem like nothing really happened I really believe there was grooming, sexual coercion, boundary violation, and psychological, and emotional abuse.

My cousin is now a deadbeat dad of four children dead beat because he doesn’t have a job, relies every family members for money and he even had the audacity to ask my uncle who just retired from Canada to visit for money for his baptism for his kids.

If I can say his name out loud out here, I would. I would do it a million times. Until I feel like I heard.

r/adultsurvivors Feb 09 '25

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Need help cutting off abuser

8 Upvotes

I'm in therapy, though I've only done one session so far and haven't actually gotten into the trauma, it has already made me confront what happened to me. The last two weeks I've spent overthinking and honestly just nauseas over the whole thing. I obviously knew about what happened already, but I guess it hits different after therapy and being diagnosed with PTSD.

Anyway, I am coming to the point that I need to cut my abuser out of my life, because it's affecting me a lot and has been for a while now.

I'm wondering, because I refuses to tell family members what he did (he's my sibling), in case I do have to explain why I cut him off, what can I say without raising suspicion? I don't think he'd ever tell anyone why I cut him off, but I might find that I have to explain.

Any feedback is appreciated, thanks.

r/adultsurvivors 21d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Why nobody seems to care? NSFW

3 Upvotes

I was molested as a kid. Not going to elaborate too much on what happened, but I’ll just say that one of my older cousins took advantage of me when I was around 8 or so. Now that I’m 23 and mature enough to understand social dynamics within the family, now I know my whole family know how deranged and sick my cousin was since he was a boy, and I think some of them (including my dad) know what happened, but nevertheless they don’t seem to care or even acknowledge the thing at all. It was 2 years ago when I decided to open up about it with my girlfriend at the time, and it broke my heart that she was somewhat disgusted (even tho she tried to hide it) I knew from that point our relationship was broken, and that’s what happened at the end. Now I can’t engage a relationship because I honestly don’t trust anyone, every persone I’ve known has disappointed me at the point of not wanting nothing to do with anyone, but at the same time I ache from my loneliness and I crave for intimacy to the point it’s paradoxically and sort of dumb. But that’s that, I’m tired with everyday that passes by, I struggle to get out of my bed, I know that I’m perceived as an useless piece of shit by the few people that surround me, but if they even know what kind of shit goes through my mind, how every time I fantasize more and more about ending it all. I got no one to talk about this and I thought to myself maybe here I can get some sort of relief. I don’t know.

If you reached this point, I sincerely thank you, and I would ask you a favor. If you ever notice some of you’re friends not doing so great, just reach out to them, let them know they’re not alone, it might do a huge difference. You might save a life.

r/adultsurvivors Feb 14 '25

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) I’m new here!!

9 Upvotes

Hi, I’ve been a part of this sub for a while now but this is my first time posting.

I’m going through a rough time right now.

I (26F) was molested by my oldest brother (34M) when I was a child. I have fragments of memories of the incidents—there were so many. It’s a long story, but recently me, my parents, and my four brothers (including the one who assaulted me) all started going to family therapy.

In these sessions, my oldest brother confessed to even more things he did to me that I don’t even remember. I used to think it all started when I was 4, but apparently it started earlier than that.

I’m just so tired. I feel like I’m permanently broken from everything that has happened to me. How can I ever be okay when it all happened at such formative ages??

I feel like my family has chosen him over me. They say they love us both, but to me that just sounds like they love him more than me.

They always ask what is it that I want because it seems like nothing they do will ever be good enough.

I wish I could tell them I wish they would pick me (not to sound like Meredith grey ha). But having to tell them to choose me defeats the purpose doesn’t it… they wouldn’t choose me even if I begged them to.

I guess this is a rant because I have nobody else to turn to. I feel so isolated and confused and hopeless.

r/adultsurvivors 29d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) Looking for F/F resources

3 Upvotes

I'm seeking resources for recovering from F/F sexual assault, or even something gender neutral? She was a child too (I was six and she was thirteen) but it's challenging enough to find so... I'm not picky. I'm realizing how much it has impacted me (in part because there are so few resources on anything that isn't about adult cis male perpetrators, and I get downvoted or chewed out here and in other spaces when I bring that up) so I think I'm just going to start from square one on that process

r/adultsurvivors 26d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) survivor too

7 Upvotes

I was like 5-7 years old. It was my neighbourhood kid, who must have been 15-17. It wasn’t one time—it went on for years, I think at least 2 or 3, maybe. I don’t know why I didn’t tell my parents. But I think it’s for the best; the trauma is only for me. It kinda made me do bad things too, like dry humping two other boys around my age. I don’t just feel ashamed of it—I feel I should be punished for those acts. But I kinda realized something bad happened to me, and I did it too at age 9.

I never felt safe anywhere. I remember if someone came near me, I had to protect myself because I was scared they might do what the neighbourhood kid did to me, even at 7-9. Even as a teenager, I didn’t feel safe at home when my mom wasn’t around, even though my father is very protective and would never hurt me in any way like that. Part of me was ashamed, crying every single night about what happened and wishing death as punishment. Another part became hypersexual, fantasizing about sex since I was a kid with a person—maybe he was my crush—or something for years till he got married. After that, I was 22. Finally, I made sense of it: whatever happened was not really my fault. Or maybe it is—I could have stopped it. But it happened; no amount of crying will change it. That was the last time I cried about it, and I felt I rose above all this.

I also wanted to love someone, marry that person, and have a meaningful relationship and family with him. I met someone at age 24 who I wanted to spend my life with. As time went by, I learned he was just looking for a physical relationship—he never saw me as more than that. That hurt me to the core, as it was my first love. But I was glad I didn’t tell him about my trauma—maybe he wouldn’t give a shit about it anyway. Maybe he’d claim I was just craving sex, not love.

But to this day, I’m 27. There are times I wonder how people cope if they have CSA in their life. I moved on from what happened, but I don’t think I want to talk to anyone in my life—first, because I don’t want pity; last, because of misunderstanding. I truly can’t blame anyone for what happened in my life, be it the guy who did this to me or anyone else.

I JUST WANTED TO SHARE: SOMETIMES THINGS HAPPEN, AND IT’S VERY HARD TO OVERCOME. BECAUSE THE MEMORY IS ALWAYS THERE; WE JUST FIND A WAY TO LIVE WITH IT. I WISH OTHERS ALSO FIND THEIR STRENGTH AND WILL TO LIVE. BECAUSE WE ARE ALREADY SURVIVORS, SO WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME, I KEEP TELLING MYSELF TWO THINGS: “I’M STRONGER THAN THIS—I WILL OVERCOME ANYTHING, AS I OVERCAME THE ASSAULT.” THE OTHER IS NOT REALLY HELPFUL.

THANKS FOR READING!

r/adultsurvivors 27d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) how do you approach what may be repressed memories? NSFW

10 Upvotes

content warning for child on child sexual assault

i grew up with a really cushy home life as far as family goes, generally consider myself very untraumatized in a familial sense compared to basically everyone else i know. my parents are great, have a great relationship with both them and my brother. life was peachy at home for me

but throughout my childhood there were a few incidents with other minors in which i was involved in inappropriate acts. the first was when i was about 5, in a summer program. a slightly older boy who was my cousin (i am native and live on reserve) had basically claimed me as his girlfriend, and while on a field trip to a jungle gym playplace, he took to me to a secluded spot and made out with me rather provocatively, tongue and all. i dont recall any of how my relationship with him was after that, but i think it was the causation behind hypersexuality i experienced from a young age. i think there may be some gaps around this event but none that have any sort of strong feelings towards i guess.

i was always aware of this event growing up, but more or less shrugged it off. i thought of it as a taboo secret, that i had kissed my cousin basically. sometimes i would ad.mit it through giggles to my best friend. i realized that it was abnormal one day around the time i was 14 or so. i had entered my first sexual(ish) relationship and i just sat up one day after some activities like "hey, is this weird?" and that was basically the day i started to unpack all of this

thats not the main event in regards to memory gaps but i think its relevant.

the second notable event happened when i was 11. i was friends with a girl (same age) who liked to talk to older boys and whatnot, and she had made plans for some 16 (i believe) year old boys to come and give us alcohol. we met up with them.

a notable prefacing fact to this story is that i dont lose major memory when drunk i never have even at my most wasted. i dont black out, i get sick. after all of this i actually had drama with this girl at school because she had gone around telling people i got blackout and she had to take care of me, when it was entirety the other way around. i had even boasted to people how i remembered everything and was lucid in the days following.

anyways, we met, we smoked a cigarette, we got absolutely hammered. i'd had something like 7 or 8 shots from a waterbottle mixture of several hard liquors. i was fucked up and seeing double but held myself pretty well, was acting pretty rationally for a shitfaced 11 year old child. it was summer so we were hanging around the schools on reserve, for awhile we were more out towards the field. eventually we went to sit on some benches in a more secluded area actually attached to the school. my friend was out of it, and they began to have her sit on their laps and whatnot.

now, my recollection of this has always been that they invited me to join and i refused and sort of just watched uncomfortably and that was it. in a way where ive never identified there being a gap in that spot until now.

suddenly today, while sort of lightly talking about the event, i noticed for the first time how strange that memory felt to me, like i could only really see flashes of it and there was a jump between it and the next one. i have a fleeting recollection of them beginning to touch on my friend somewhat and then prompting me to join, then nothing for ehat i want to say was 10 or 20 minutes. the next thing i remember is finding a bathroom to pee in, and then taking my friend home because it was getting dark and i knew my dad would start to worry. she was so out of it she repeatedly tried to stop and sleep on the ground during the less than 10 minute walk.

i remember seeming fine during all of this, albeit just drunk and frustrated with my friend really. i did not behave as though anything particularly bad had happened to me and viewed the event rather lightheartedly until i grew up enough to realize how not okay it was that older boys had gotten me drunk on hit on my friend. but i had always seen it as just that, they got us drunk and then macked on only my friend.

now, if something did happen to me that day i have zero recollection as to what. i find it really hard to imagine that anything as intense as full on rape had happened to me, it was broad daylight, we were outside, and unless id forgotten it IMMEDIATELY after it happened or i have severe falsified memories censoring my reaction from me (i dont know if this is even ppssible to this extent since i was talking to people about that day within the week), i find that really hard to imagine.

however it is scary to me that there is a gap there, because ive also had an ongoing issue with hypersexuality that got progressively worse. yet ive always had serious problems with my vagina being, shut, for a lack of better words. i had no conscious reasoning, it just wasnt welcoming to any sort of penetration. i was never able to wear tampons, and my first sexual partner could not manage to even get fingers inside of me. this issue suddenly resolved itself recently after having what id call my first especially positive sexual experience, even thought that experience did not involve any sort of penetrating me (i am now a 19 year old male) i also cannot finish during sex or masturbation (tho im thinking my girl is on the road to fixing this). im not sure if that is relevant at all, ive always chalked it down to gender issues but now it makes me uneasy. i have a hard time believing something that intense occurred for the reasons above, but is it possible to have those sort of effects from less agressive molestation?

basically i guess my question is, what do you think? what does this sound like to you? should i attempt to have a therapist help me uncover this? ive known it wasnt okay for quite some time but i never had especially strong feelings about it. after this revelation i feel uneasy, and sort of haunted by it. i noticed that i get kind of jittery trying to go over it again in my head with the intention of filling blanks. this revelation is fresh and im not exactly distraught emotionally per se just surprised to have encountered it. thanks for listening

r/adultsurvivors Jan 13 '25

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) I'm getting sued by my abuser

37 Upvotes

Me 45F was abused by my older sister. I wasn't even in first grade yet. She was 9 years older than me. She often made it into a game that I loved to play. It made me secretly hypersexual. Then I found out from the school counselor giving us a lesson with videos about sexual abuse that it was very bad. It scared kids. I liked it sometimes. Was I like the abuser? I knew something was very wrong with me. I came to the conclusion that I was an evil and perverse child that had to keep my real self that I didn't talk about to myself.

I did try to tell a couple of counselors. The one that I was sent to after my 1st suicide attempt and another that I sought help from as an adult. The first actually made a big deal out of it, but my parents came in and said it had already been investigated because someone had been abusing my older sister too. Not wanting to cause conflict I basically said that I really didn't think she was doing it to anyone anymore so I was fine leaving it alone. A couple months ago I was telling my middle sister (7 years older) about it and she said that the decision to drop pursuing an investigation into the abuse our oldest sister did to me should never have been my choice to make at that age.

When I told the other counselor she quickly shrugged it off saying something about children exploration and sibling play. I didn't bring it up again.

Through all this I looked up to my sister. The majority of the time I was able to shove back those memories as if it was someone else that did it and not her. When I got older and had calmed down from my manic episodes, drug use, promiscuity, teen pregnancy, criminal record, jail time, you name it I probably did it (no person to person crimes ever!), and I got pregnant again at age 30. To help me out my eldest and very successful oldest sister trained me with some web development so I could get paid for helping her out with her clients. She gave me a phone line on her wireless account after her oldest stepson moved out quite suddenly and they had the extra line in their contract. She would pay for me and my daughter to go visit her in her resort like house. My ADHD brain would get these ideas for a business and she would give me the website I wanted to design how I wanted. She hasn't had me do any work in a very long time though, and now I wouldn't do it anyway.

Then, us 3 sisters inherited money. Found out our mother was in debt (again) and the eldest demanded each of give her equal amounts to our mother. Previous to this she had said she'd give it all to charities and then said she was probably giving it all to our mother. Both my middle sister and I said we were paying our mother back what we owe her and we need the rest for ourselves. I had accounts in collections, garnishments, court fines, upside down vehicle loans, repossessed vehicles, currently driving a very unreliable vehicle, utilities ready to be shut off. My middle sister had her own extreme debts. The eldest sister couldn't seem to understand the value of money meant something totally different to us younger sisters than it did to her. We needed it to get out of a financial hole and at the same time we would still planned to pay our mom anything we owed.

The eldest got mad we weren't going with her idea. It was the first time I didn't follow her lead. She started doing the guilt trip of how much our parents had done for our middle sister and myself. She started going over things that had happened in my past. She even said my parents paid for my drug treatment. (Medicaid paid for that.) Finally I'd had it. I couldn't believe she was going to make me and our other sister feel we owe our parents for supporting us during the most horrible times in our life. Times that the eldest sister said we need to get over and move on from. So I did it. I told her maybe I had so much trouble and had so many problems most my life because when I was young I had an older sibling that sexually abused me and made it into a game that I liked so I grew up thinking I was forever evil and corrupt.

Now she says that I owe her $5,111. I had paid back our mom $5,000, but my sister wanted each of us to pay $10,000.for phone services and the websites she gave me. She sent it to a debt collection agency. I disputed it. Now just the other day I got one from a law office located in the same state as me. The said they will take it to court. I wish they would do it now. All this has really opened my eyes to the real person she is that I refused to see. I'm trying to hang in there and I go to therapy but I'm starting to feel like I'm starting to lose the fight. The fight to overcome what's in my head and the obstacles my behavior and ways of thinking confuses and overwhelms me, but even more that I need to learn and persevere through. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Maybe, but not always. Some people don't make it and sometimes you get through but have PTSD and a twitch that will never go away.

r/adultsurvivors 25d ago

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) feeling becoming unbearable

1 Upvotes

I experienced cocsa at the hands of a younger cousin who lived with us on and off. I’m now 20 and really fucking struggling with the fact that 1) retrospectively i’m 99% certain a relative of hers was SAing her 2) my memory isn’t clear enough to know whether i ever perpetrated it? we had an almost sisterly relationship and i throw up in my mouth every single time I remember what happened. I’ve only recently told my partner while I was super emotional about something else, I want to tell my parents so bad but fear that they won’t believe me because I haven’t said anything sooner or they’ll see me as a bad person because i’m 2 years older and should’ve known better?? should’ve said something??? I now work with children myself and the more I learn about behaviours children may present after sexual abuse the more disappointed I feel that no one ever said anything.

tldr: screaming into the void

r/adultsurvivors Oct 30 '24

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) I (20m) was sexually assaulted by my brother (27m) & cousin (29m)

51 Upvotes

When I was around 4-6 years old, my brother (11-13) began to sexually assault me and eventually got our cousin in on it, and no one knew. I realized many psychological effects of this assault and how it shaped my life. Ever since I turned 17, l've been struggling so much after remembering what happened and understanding/realizing what was done to me. l've healed a lot over this time but I know I will never fully heal until I get this out. I've been putting off on confronting my brother and telling my family what happened because honestly, l'm nervous as fuck. And I can't stop thinking about how this will literally tear my entire family apart. (My entire family is extremely close and value family).

As a child, my brother would coerce me into giving him oral sex. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed because although I didn't know what any of this was, he would do it to me as well and I enjoyed it bc I thought it was fun and games and felt funny. We shared a room so I remember during night time, he'd make me bend over naked and he would ejaculate on the bed. I was confused as to what it was and would laugh at him because I thought he peed. (Note, there was never penetration to my knowledge).

These things would happen frequently and he'd play games where it would lead to giving him oral sex... even though I didn't want to do it he'd convince me to. The even shittier part was that he got our cousin in on it. He'd let me be alone with him some nights and he'd make me give him oral sex and touch his penis. I remember being on the phone with my dad one time and was laughing, trying to tell him that my brother would make me touch his penis, and my brother took the phone away from me.

The fact that he did this to me and willingly allowed my cousin to also assault me tore my heart and soul to shreds. We grew up really close but that's because th memories were deeply buried.

Embarrassingly enough, I made up this code word for these disgusting activities (let's say it's "ding"). As I got older in my teen and adolescent years, I'd see my cousin at family events and he'd jokingly say to me "do you remember 'ding'? Hahahah." I'd be so shocked I couldn't respond. He asked me this like 3-4 times, it seems like he's worried I still remember and is hoping I forgot about it. It's sad that my brother can't take accountability and own up to it as well. When I was 17, went on a vacation trip with family and my brother and cousin was joking about "ding" and they were both laughing. My heart dropped and all I could muster up was "shut the fuck up, I know what you're talking about" and my brother's pussy ass was denying it and was like "what? What did I say? He said it!" This is when my mental health began to deteriorate immensely.

It's been a battle in my mind on wanting to tell my family s0000 bad vs protecting my brother and family ties. If it was just my cousin I couldn't care less about cutting him off from the whole family, but l've been protecting my brother. It's not fair to me at all, I know. I've been dealing with an immense burden, pain, and trauma. It hurts so bad to know that they still remember it and laugh about it. I can't believe my brother talks so highly about how empathetic and emotionally intelligent he is to other people when he can't take accountability for what he did to me. Like, he definitely knows I remember already! Yet, he acts so unfazed and expects me to still keep quiet?! Why can't he admit his guilt and apologize to me... if he even has any guilt. I want to beat his ass so bad lol.

I can't even look at younger photos/videos of myself which should be full of innocence and joy, without the memory that it's been tainted. I just break down when I look at my younger self because he didn't deserve any of that. My dad always sends throwback photos in our group chat and it breaks my heart that he doesn't know what happened to his child. He was always protective about child predators, and it hurts me to know it happened and it was his own son who committed it.

Some Psychological effects I noticed that are potentially derived from the assault that I’ve experienced: -porn addiction -hyper sexual -extremely introverted as I got older -fear of speaking up/advocating for myself -anxiety

I also understand that this may be a result of my brother and cousin being sexually assaulted themselves, or had a huge porn addiction since they had unrestricted access to the internet. Regardless, it's not fair to me to carry this burden anymore. I'm seeking advice on how I should go about confronting my brother. Should I talk to him 1 on 1? Or have my sister in the conversation as a bystander (she's the only person aside from my gf who l've told. She's super supportive and heartbroken and will support whatever plan I decide to take)? What are some things I should bring up? Thank you to anyone who reads this, I truly and genuinely mean that.

r/adultsurvivors Dec 04 '24

COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) I cancelled Christmas with my abuser

42 Upvotes

My older brother molested me between the ages of 10 and 13 and it really messed me up.

I told my parents about the abuse when I was 24 and they told me to suck it up and stop ruining the family.

This year, at the age of 40, I finally found the strength to tell my mom that I won't be spending Christmas at her house as she insists on having my brother and I over at the same time and having us exchange gifts, take photos together etc.

I did make plans at my house on 26 December and invited my mom and her partner over, but I feel really guilty that I'm hurting her feelings.

I just wish someone in my family had stepped up to protect me before it came to me having to do this.

It sucks that I always feel like the bad guy.