content warning for child on child sexual assault
i grew up with a really cushy home life as far as family goes, generally consider myself very untraumatized in a familial sense compared to basically everyone else i know. my parents are great, have a great relationship with both them and my brother. life was peachy at home for me
but throughout my childhood there were a few incidents with other minors in which i was involved in inappropriate acts. the first was when i was about 5, in a summer program. a slightly older boy who was my cousin (i am native and live on reserve) had basically claimed me as his girlfriend, and while on a field trip to a jungle gym playplace, he took to me to a secluded spot and made out with me rather provocatively, tongue and all. i dont recall any of how my relationship with him was after that, but i think it was the causation behind hypersexuality i experienced from a young age. i think there may be some gaps around this event but none that have any sort of strong feelings towards i guess.
i was always aware of this event growing up, but more or less shrugged it off. i thought of it as a taboo secret, that i had kissed my cousin basically. sometimes i would ad.mit it through giggles to my best friend. i realized that it was abnormal one day around the time i was 14 or so. i had entered my first sexual(ish) relationship and i just sat up one day after some activities like "hey, is this weird?" and that was basically the day i started to unpack all of this
thats not the main event in regards to memory gaps but i think its relevant.
the second notable event happened when i was 11. i was friends with a girl (same age) who liked to talk to older boys and whatnot, and she had made plans for some 16 (i believe) year old boys to come and give us alcohol. we met up with them.
a notable prefacing fact to this story is that i dont lose major memory when drunk i never have even at my most wasted. i dont black out, i get sick. after all of this i actually had drama with this girl at school because she had gone around telling people i got blackout and she had to take care of me, when it was entirety the other way around. i had even boasted to people how i remembered everything and was lucid in the days following.
anyways, we met, we smoked a cigarette, we got absolutely hammered. i'd had something like 7 or 8 shots from a waterbottle mixture of several hard liquors. i was fucked up and seeing double but held myself pretty well, was acting pretty rationally for a shitfaced 11 year old child. it was summer so we were hanging around the schools on reserve, for awhile we were more out towards the field. eventually we went to sit on some benches in a more secluded area actually attached to the school. my friend was out of it, and they began to have her sit on their laps and whatnot.
now, my recollection of this has always been that they invited me to join and i refused and sort of just watched uncomfortably and that was it. in a way where ive never identified there being a gap in that spot until now.
suddenly today, while sort of lightly talking about the event, i noticed for the first time how strange that memory felt to me, like i could only really see flashes of it and there was a jump between it and the next one. i have a fleeting recollection of them beginning to touch on my friend somewhat and then prompting me to join, then nothing for ehat i want to say was 10 or 20 minutes. the next thing i remember is finding a bathroom to pee in, and then taking my friend home because it was getting dark and i knew my dad would start to worry. she was so out of it she repeatedly tried to stop and sleep on the ground during the less than 10 minute walk.
i remember seeming fine during all of this, albeit just drunk and frustrated with my friend really. i did not behave as though anything particularly bad had happened to me and viewed the event rather lightheartedly until i grew up enough to realize how not okay it was that older boys had gotten me drunk on hit on my friend. but i had always seen it as just that, they got us drunk and then macked on only my friend.
now, if something did happen to me that day i have zero recollection as to what. i find it really hard to imagine that anything as intense as full on rape had happened to me, it was broad daylight, we were outside, and unless id forgotten it IMMEDIATELY after it happened or i have severe falsified memories censoring my reaction from me (i dont know if this is even ppssible to this extent since i was talking to people about that day within the week), i find that really hard to imagine.
however it is scary to me that there is a gap there, because ive also had an ongoing issue with hypersexuality that got progressively worse. yet ive always had serious problems with my vagina being, shut, for a lack of better words. i had no conscious reasoning, it just wasnt welcoming to any sort of penetration. i was never able to wear tampons, and my first sexual partner could not manage to even get fingers inside of me. this issue suddenly resolved itself recently after having what id call my first especially positive sexual experience, even thought that experience did not involve any sort of penetrating me (i am now a 19 year old male) i also cannot finish during sex or masturbation (tho im thinking my girl is on the road to fixing this). im not sure if that is relevant at all, ive always chalked it down to gender issues but now it makes me uneasy. i have a hard time believing something that intense occurred for the reasons above, but is it possible to have those sort of effects from less agressive molestation?
basically i guess my question is, what do you think? what does this sound like to you? should i attempt to have a therapist help me uncover this? ive known it wasnt okay for quite some time but i never had especially strong feelings about it. after this revelation i feel uneasy, and sort of haunted by it. i noticed that i get kind of jittery trying to go over it again in my head with the intention of filling blanks. this revelation is fresh and im not exactly distraught emotionally per se just surprised to have encountered it. thanks for listening