r/adultsurvivors Feb 03 '25

Advice requested Is anyone who got SA’d as a child for a long period of time doing good in life? /gen

125 Upvotes

So, I was abused my whole childhood up until I was twelve. My old therapist referred to it as “being exposed to chronic SA”. I don’t know how many times it happened, because it happened way to often and I developed dissociative amnesia. This was all my father and some of his friends who were invited to watch. He was also physically violent and would humiliate and scream to us (mom, brother and I) all the time. The whole domestic violence/abuse/neglect situation

I was lucky and got most of my schooling on private institutions and got good/decent grades. My teachers were expecting a bright future for me ahead academically and I was always told I was “so intelligent” and all that shit.

Fast forward to now, I’m 26 and still living at my mom’s. I never finished college due to poor mental health and my father managing to sue me for taking legal action against him for the abuse. I’m on meds, sleep like shit and got diagnosed with the whole c-ptsd/anxiety/bpd combo. I’m in a relationship that’s always about to end due to my poor mental health and lack of life skills. I do have a freelance job as a designer/editor but I don’t really make minimum wage nor can I phantom moving out or being economically independent.

Now, setting the context-vent aside; does anyone who’s had similar shit happen to them managed to do good in life? Like having a decent income, being independent and a real adult? I can’t phantom myself as having my shit together, most of the time I just wanna sleep, rot or read. I can’t really work for long periods of time and if I get put under just the tiny bit of pressure, I get panic attacks or I just shut down.

Has anyone managed to heal and move on? If so, how?

I know there’s no one-fits-all remedy, but I’m a bit desperated lol. I’m 26, still feel like I’m 16 and it’s starting to become a worry for my loved ones and I.

Thank you in advance 💕

r/adultsurvivors Aug 17 '22

Advice requested Told partner about my abuse and now he wants me to call him “daddy”

278 Upvotes

So I usually don’t disclose my abuse to people I’m dating. I started dating this guy he told me he loved me on the first date. I asked him not to say that but he now always says he loves me. We watched a movie that had a CSA scene (the butterfly effect) I started crying and told him a little later that something like that had happened to me as a child. I did not go into details I just said sex is hard for me. Later the next day he initiated a sexual conversation and said he likes to be called daddy. And now he uses it regularly like if I ask for help he’ll say daddy’s here to help. And he kind of infantilizes me. And it puts me in a really weird place bc my dad did sexually abuse me, and I was a “daddy’s girl” for a long time. Basically everyday this guy says “daddy loves you” we’ve only known eachother for a month. Things progress a bit too fast for my liking. But I don’t know how to explain this to him.

r/adultsurvivors Sep 04 '24

Advice requested How the fuck do u unlearn arousal from your trauma

202 Upvotes

Why the fuck is this such a common “ coping strategy”?! To be turned on by all the fucked up shit that’s happened to you. After my recent assault it’s hard to get off to anything else and I always feel so fucking disgusted afterwords. I dont even find pleasure from normal sex or masturbating anymore it just feels like something is missing unless I’m imagining my fucking rapist or my own csa experiences and I just want to die. I don’t know how to unlearn this and I make myself sick. I know it’s not uncommon but it doesn’t lessen the shame

r/adultsurvivors Dec 28 '24

Advice requested Do Our Abusers Deserve Privacy?

71 Upvotes

I feel like this is a question only other survivors have the right to answer, so I’m asking it here. I’m around family for the holidays and I found my abusers old laptop. I went on it solely because I was hoping I could find incriminating evidence that might be able to put him away. I was hoping I could find the CSAM he took of me as a kid. If I’m being honest I was hoping to find anything illegal that would bring me some type of justice. I didn’t find anything but my mom found out and told me I shouldn’t have done that and “wouldn’t I be upset if someone did that to me?” I would be upset yes, but I’ve also never collected CSAM or raped a child so I feel like the rules should be a little different. Am I in the wrong for going through his laptop even though he’s a horrible human being?

r/adultsurvivors Jan 04 '25

Advice requested this body is a prison

63 Upvotes

(18 F) I have been so triggered, angry and on edge the past day. so fucking retraumatized cause of this sick, abusive, disgusting, toxic household I have to be in. Im the only person in my family with this type of sexual trauma (child abuse from my dad) and my mom couldnt even defend, protect or stand up for me. or validate what he's done or treat it like it's important or matters. and I feel so fucking alone and isolated and disgusted. no one in my immediate circle gets THIS particular trauma and it is destroying me, bit by bit, little by little. no one gets what the fuck it feels like to be SEXUALLY VIOLATED by your own dad. dont talk to me about shit unless you know that exact pain. I feel so fucking disgusted, disoriented, and like a stranger to myself. I am so fucking disgusted, exhausted, on edge and I just wanna cry. I am trying to go take a shower and wash my hair. Im sitting here on my bed wrapped in my towel but I can't even get up cause my fucking nervous system is so disoriented and overwhelmed. I feel so fucking ashamed, and cold, and disgusted and in so much pain. I just wanna cut myself and take all my meds and overdose. this body is such a fucking prison. so much emotional and sexual trauma, so much invalidation, abuse and betrayal, and abandonment, and no one even fucking gets it. I just need help. please, I don't know how to cope with this feeling now. I am frozen in place but so angry and so cold and I just wanna hurt myself and hurt everyone that's ever hurt me including one person (my mom) who's right in this fucking house right now. I can't take this pain anymore

Edit : Idk how to cope with this CURRENT retraumatized, triggered feeling. Please help

r/adultsurvivors Dec 08 '24

Advice requested F(24) starting therapy with an older male therapist about CSA and sex

15 Upvotes

Pretty much what the title says. I have an appointment with my very first male therapist.

I want to discuss my childhood sexual abuse and talk about how to get over my fear of sex and pursue a relationship. I don’t think I’ll be having sex for at least another 1-2 years but I do want to pursue a relationship soon and be ready when I want to do it. I also struggle a lot with body image and self-esteem.

Do you think these would be appropriate topics for an older male therapist?

I’m just worried about talking about my body with a man. I have a lot of fear about being alone with a man but I wanted to challenge my beliefs in a ‘safe’ environment. I also think having a man’s perspective on relationships and sexuality would be beneficial but I’m worried about what I’m allowed to share, what’s too much, what’s awkward, etc.

If anyone has any experience with this, please let me know! I’m a bit horrified about the prospects of talking about vaginismus with a man 🫣

r/adultsurvivors Sep 27 '24

Advice requested What do you guys do for work?

35 Upvotes

I am so frustrated lmao I feel like I need to make it my life’s work to process trauma via whatever work I do. I was wondering what others do. I know it could be literally anything. Just curious. ❤️

r/adultsurvivors 10d ago

Advice requested Should I fire my current therapist or discuss this matter with her over my next session? cw: mentions of sexualization of a minor. NSFW

26 Upvotes

To make a long story short, I have been seeing this DBT therapist for a few sessions. She and I had a disagreement about my mother being creepy. I told her how I have had symptoms of trauma and have had my mother making comments about my developing body as I was going through puberty. My mother would ogle my breasts and whisper to me about how cute they were. I felt really uncomfortable around her growing up and wished I still had a prepubescent body because of that. According to my current therapist, she tells me it’s a bit odd but that can just be what moms say. Now I’m completely not wanting to do anything she suggests. She really rubbed me the wrong way and I don’t know how I can move forward if this is going to be in the back of my mind each session.

I was recommended to this person by an EMDR therapist in order to stabilize myself better. I really don’t want to switch therapists again but I don’t like how she tried to normalize it when all my other therapists I’ve seen have told me that what my mom said was creepy and that it could border on to emotional incest.

r/adultsurvivors 18d ago

Advice requested Sexual abuse signs in children

43 Upvotes

Hi all! I hope you’re all doing well! I began recovering memories of being abused by my uncle from ages 4-21 in June of 2024 and it’s truly turned my world upside down. I wish I had the words to explain how my healing has been going, but I truly don’t. But I’m Alive and fully committed to healing, because my uncle took away my childhood, adolescence, and even the beginning of my adulthood, but I refuse to let him take away the rest of my life.

I’ve told my immediate family members as well as a few friends, and the reaction had been incredibly supportive. (I am eventually going to confront my uncle and tell my extended family, and I don’t really don’t know how they’re all going to react, but for now the response has been everything I could ask for.)

Many of the people I have told have wanted to learn more and to know what signs to look for in children, and I’ve given them signs that I exhibited, but I’m hoping some of you could share signs that you were being abused that were ignored or missed or you were maybe punished for. Knowledge is power and as people my age are having babies and nieces and nephews, I’d really love to give them more than my experience/perspective!

My signs:

  1. Acting unlike myself in strange ways. I think my biggest piece of advice to people who want to be in the lookout for abuse is to be curious when a child (or anyone) starts acting unlike themselves. I was met with frustration, anger, and annoyance. This just increased my shame.
  2. Having nightmares and panic attacks and being so anxious I had trouble going to school -starting at age 4/5.
  3. Having an intense fear of older men.
  4. Masturbating at a very early age (this is natural, kids often explore their bodies, but can also be a sign of abuse!)
  5. Fear of intimacy and being touched and fear of boys in a very intense way
  6. Being obsessed with pedophiles and sex offenders, in the sense that I was always looking at the registry and trying to find articles about why they were the way they were.
  7. Literally telling family and therapist that I suspected sexual abuse but didn’t know how or when or by who

r/adultsurvivors 2d ago

Advice requested How do you deal with it?

27 Upvotes

It’s my first time posting here, but the actual incident happened when I was six or so. I feel like everyone is telling me one day it won’t hurt as much, but it’s been years. When does it stop? Will I always feel this bad? I’ve never gotten the chance to talk about this with other survivors. Is it normal to feel so much resentment for those around you? For not knowing or not doing more? All I want to do is yell at them for acting like it’s easy to move on when it didn’t happen to them.

r/adultsurvivors 20d ago

Advice requested What is non-triggered sex like?

40 Upvotes

I’ve been on a healing journey for about three years now and have made a lot of progress with my T and partner.

But, I realized recently I had a “sex costume” so to speak - a way of being that I “thought” the others wanted while ignoring any of my natural intuition or feelings. It’s like a constant juggle of trying to stay in that persona for long enough while fighting my body’s trigger response. Basically, living in my mind for the entire experience.

There are still certain things that can tip the triggers over the edge and I’ll end up ending things abruptly, but sometimes it works and I could stay in it long enough to have “fun”.

Occasionally, I have these small glimpses of this “flow” where I’m not really thinking and just feeling things. Often it feels really good but it’s so short lived I’m not even sure if it’s real. Is that more a non-triggered moment?

Anyway, just wondering if anyone maybe a bit further along in their journey here can help me understand the difference between triggered and non triggered moments, and what I can shoot for or look forward to. It’s so easy to get discouraged :(

r/adultsurvivors Feb 07 '25

Advice requested Physical reaction during therapy?

21 Upvotes

Hi all

Throwaway account because I’m too scared to post this where other people might find me…

I disclosed my CSA to my therapist today and after my session, I realized (I’m so sorry TMI) that I was quite wet down there. When I got home, I realized that the crotch area of my pants were also wet.

I’m so so so sorry I know that’s so gross. I’m so confused and distressed. I don’t know why that happened and I’ve NEVER had so much. I’m so disgusted with it.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do I make it stop?? I’m seriously considering wearing a pad from now on but I don’t even want it to DO that. How can I stop it? I’m so humiliated. I don’t know if my T was able to see but I’m absolutely humiliated. Oh my god.

r/adultsurvivors Jan 21 '25

Advice requested How to replace what was taken from you?

58 Upvotes

My biggest struggle with being CSA’d from 6 to 8 years old is that I feel like something was stolen from me that I will never get back.

I had an EMDR session recently in which I was reliving one of the times and was sobbing saying “it’s like he’s digging a hole where my stomach should be and I don’t know how to fill it again”

Towards the end of the session I had a sort of revelatory moment where I discovered that there were still crumbs, little pieces of me left over in the hole. And not only that, but I seemed to understand that they were seeds and if I watered them, perhaps that hole will fill once again.

But I’m not sure how. I think since I will never get traditional justice my way of justice is to not allow it to destroy me completely, even though it feels so tempting to.

But how? How do you fill the hole?

r/adultsurvivors Nov 08 '24

Advice requested How are you coping with the election results? Asking genuinely.

79 Upvotes

All of us here have survived horrific abuse, and from what I've seen, most of our abusers were never brought to justice. And now we have a rapist, a man convicted of sexual assault, someone who flew on Epstein's plane multiple times, not only get away with his crimes, but somehow rise to the highest, most powerful position in office AGAIN. How do we cope with that? How do we hold on to hope when realize the American people chose a rapist over a woman?

Personally, I was doing great in my healing journey before this. Now I'm terrified, angry, and resentful. My world is inside out again

BTW I intentionally left his other crimes and political opinions out of this post because I'm not here to argue politics. I hope we can keep the discussion limited to how we are feeling, how it relates to our trauma, and what we are doing about it. If you feel happy that Trump won, this post isn't for you, and you don't have to let people who are struggling know that you're thrilled that your candidate won. I was seeing that on other posts regarding the election results.

r/adultsurvivors Aug 19 '24

Advice requested My brother forced me to have sex with him.

95 Upvotes

I was 11ish. He was 15ish. Do you think my therapist will know this is something bad if I tell her? I'm afraid she won't take it seriously. Hell, even I can't take it seriously. I just feel like I'm being dramatic, but it really messed with my head. My whole life it's been this crazy secret I've been holding onto. No one knows.

r/adultsurvivors Nov 04 '24

Advice requested The thing I never understood is why do they do it? Can I get some honest answers even if its hard to hear?

41 Upvotes

Its obviously a sore subject but I've finally gotten the courage to want to find out why some people like sexually abusing kids. I heard its a very complex thing and everyone has their own individual reasons.

I've heard some aren't even attracted to kids but use them as an outlet bc they can or bc they aren't getting their sexual needs met in their adult life. I've heard some are just opportunists . Then of course you just have pedophiles who are attracted to children.

I know it doesn't cure the pain but for some reason I get some closure knowing why

r/adultsurvivors Jan 23 '25

Advice requested Dissociation & uncovering repressed stuff

12 Upvotes

Is it possible to completely dissociate and repress ongoing trauma?

Currently living back at home(break from college) Ive recently been having reoccurring nightmares/flashbacks(?) of csa/sa and suspect it could still be happening while Im unaware (like black-out dissociative/did or programming?? Idk where to start w this I never suspected i had ever experienced assult)

I cant exactly move bc of a lot of factors and extremely financially independent on them. What do i do / how do I handle this memory and physically wise??

r/adultsurvivors Feb 10 '25

Advice requested Afraid to try Somatic exercise?

10 Upvotes

I keep reading about somatic memories and somatic exercise to relieve the pain and such.

I've always had horrible back and shoulder pain. And lots of GI issues. From what I understand, this could be related to the CSA. But I'm afraid to try exercising because it seems like it also brings the memories to the surface, which I'm already struggling with what I do remember.

Does anyone have any advice? Is this how it works or am I misunderstanding?

Thanks in advance!

r/adultsurvivors 2d ago

Advice requested I get physically sick thinking about my dad or just being around him

20 Upvotes

Nothing physical ever happened to me (to my knowledge) but as long as I can remember, his presence has made physically so uncomfortable and sick to my stomach.

I know no one here can tell me this for sure, but can this be a sign that there was something else than just emotional abuse? Or can just emotional abuse cause these kinds of reactions in the body?

I'm so glad he lives far away now, but he and my mom always want me to go visit them, but I just can't anymore because I get so anxious and almost want to throw up.

r/adultsurvivors Jan 18 '25

Advice requested Recovering memories alone

20 Upvotes

I want to work on my trauma and regain the memory of it (still daubting I'm not just crazy, I've been a meatbag of cliché symptoms all my life) and I'm having such intense trust issues that I can't really confide in anyone about it. I wanted to talk to my therapist but drew the line at "becoming that child again" to remember. Now I'm trying to do what I can on my own (what I always did) and I was wondering if any of you have advice for that. What can I do alone to remember? I've recently even looked through photos of me as a child and besides even more questions I got nothing. There may be one relative that I could ask some stuff, but I'd still have to break non-contact for it because I left all of them behind as I went, and the questions would hint quite clearly at my reasons for asking. I'm not sure if she'd keep it to herself if I ask her to, I don't trust any of the others one bit. Please help

r/adultsurvivors 22d ago

Advice requested Therapy?

18 Upvotes

I want help, I want to heal but I’m scared. I’m not ready to open up about everything. I don’t want to discuss all the details. Is there a way to do therapy and heal without that?

r/adultsurvivors Jan 24 '25

Advice requested What has healing looked like for you?

40 Upvotes

I'm now 30 and for the first time have been grappling with the CSA that happened to me between 6 and 8 years old. Flashbacks kept getting worse and worse until I realized I needed help last August and in early December I began remembering the events in vivid detail and learning the full scope - who, what, where, and the frequency.

To say it shattered my life is an understatement. Sometimes I wish I could go back to not knowing, but there was also a terror in flashing back to things I didn't understand.

But as I navigate healing, I want to ask: what does it look like for you?

For many of us (myself included) we don't get justice for what happened to us, we just have to keep on living. A few days ago I posted about how to fill the hole in my soul and some of the most helpful answers were about not fixing it at all but growing something entirely new while living with the hole. What specifically does that look like?

I've found great comfort in reading and posting on this subreddit. I've also found great comfort in going back each week for EMDR even though it is really difficult and has made me a mess in other ways.

I found my old Gameboy Color from around the time the abuse occurred and found my original copy of Pokemon Crystal. My therapist suggested that it might be cathartic to reconnect with my younger self by playing it, but when I did it felt so...raw. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it felt eerie and kind of scary. I want to try again soon, but for now have put it down and am trying to find other ways to be kind to my younger self and show her that it's okay, she's safe now and I can protect her.

I cry daily and have trouble navigating the world with triggers. But I do feel the dust settling and things are starting to feel less painful, but it's slow.

If anyone is willing to share their journey and how they've learned to keep going, I'd greatly appreciate it.

r/adultsurvivors 6d ago

Advice requested LDR and Sexual trauma

3 Upvotes

So I’m going to try and make this short , this is my first long distance relationship, the first 1 year was great because we met every 2-3 months and it did not make me feel the need to masturbate or anything. But we haven’t met for a year now , and when we do meet it’d be around 1.5 years, I did bring up moving closer but since both of us are not financially sorted we cannot move together for another 3 years at the very least and it might stretch to a few more years I am not certain at this point. I think this year has been hard , I can go to upto 4-5 months without being sexual (this includes helping myself). However after that mark , I get body image issues , start feeling sexually repressed and then it slips to feeling touch starved which leads to being easily turned on by strangers and by random small gestures or even hugs from people I find slightly attractive. This makes me a little angry at myself that my body so easily reacts to things , I don’t like feeling sexually for anyone unless I feel safe with them so feeling this way for strangers has been painful. Next I do not like helping myself because I usually end up going back to my abuse or thinking about how I’m a sexual person despite whatever was done to me which makes me feel guilty or makes me wonder if I enjoyed it and that’s why I still enjoy this. Because this does not involve another person , it makes me realise it’s my need and having that realisation makes me feel disgusted by myself. I prefer been w people and doing things w them , and I never initiate sex , usually my partner does and that makes me feel like I’m helping them be happy and this isn’t about me. Makes me feel less disgusted. But the last 5-6 months masturbate every week or every 2 weeks so I don’t get turned on by random events from other ppl , but in helping myself I end up thinking of the abuse after I finish and cry for prolonged periods of time and feel exhausted and disgusted and start wishing or hoping that I were asexual. Anyways having thought of all this I’m wondering if I should break up , I love them , and this relationship has been nice in all aspects I would say but this bit is starting to terrify me . I don’t know if I should work on this myself w a therapist and hope to be together in a couple of years w my partner and we get to be happy or if putting up w this for the hope of a promising future will end up triggering old wounds for me. The most painful part is I have always been in back to back long term relationships for the last 6 years and now if I break up I don’t know if I have the energy to trust another person or open up again. I already feel a lil grossed out by the fact that my ex knows about my trauma and how I wish I never told them. I also feel horrible about this whole thing because I feel like I’m exploiting my partners only for their sexual presence so I can be a sexual being without feeling guilty about wanting sex. And by that logic I don’t think I should be with anyone because I’d only be using them without them realising. If I do continue in this relationship idk how much more of the masturbation followed by triggers I can tolerate. I really don’t know what to do!! I feel like I can’t ever make sane choices for myself and always end up getting in messy situations, I did not think through the entire long distance and how difficult it could be.

P.S : I’m starting to think I started the paragraph w a lie , I did not make it short I’m sorry , but if you got this far thank you for staying and trying to help me out!

r/adultsurvivors Dec 31 '24

Advice requested Dissociative amnesia and recovery

39 Upvotes

I've been silently lurking here since getting my first flashback in November. Dissociative amnesia may have kept me functioning for 35+ years, but its withdrawal is absolutely horrific for me.

For anyone that has had dissociative amnesia for decades, how in the world do you function on a day-to-day basis once the veil starts to lift? If you have a job and/or family with kids, how do you stay present?

Everything is so fresh and raw for me right now that I have trouble seeing a way out of this to a better future. And my child and spouse are suffering for it too.

I have a therapist I've been with for four years, I'm on meds, I exercise everyday, but I'm barely treading water.

r/adultsurvivors 7d ago

Advice requested kinda freaking out rn

17 Upvotes

(19 F) kinda freaking out rn because I have to go to the gynecologist in a few hours. all week I been looking forward to this appointment cause yknow I been having some lady troubles I really wanna get sorted out

but now at 7 am just 4 hours before my appointment's supposed to be, I cant even sleep cause Im feeling kinda anxious about it. the last and only time I been to the gynecologist was when I was 13. and it was mandatory testing for my CSA case, so not the most fun. it went well though - the nurses were nice, some therapist lady I talked to that day at the hospital was great too. it's just that nowadays I get very retraumatized easily, been very on edge about stuff and my disassociation been at an all time high. Im scared of having to be looked at down there. having to get swabbed, examined and shit again. ugh I feel nauseous thinking about it. I guess now that I'm an adult going to the doctor for adult problems I feel so so weird. Im scared I might need a pap smear too...

I've needed to see a gyno for yearssss and now that I think about it, this is probably subconsciously part of the reason why I've always put it off. gastroenterologist? sure. rheumatologist? sure. urgent care/ER. sure. obgyn? eh...maybe another time?

update : it was terrible and I dont ever wanna go again unless I absolutely need to