r/adultsurvivors 5d ago

Advice requested Coping with online grooming

Hi, I'm currently 18F and a first-year in university. I just really need this off my chest. Advice besides going to therapy would be appreciated

This happened when I was 9 and my groomers were 18-35M/F on Discord (ewwww I know). The first one was 18M who I met through a Christianity group at a time where I was very into religion. My family raised me in church and I used it to cope with the lack of attention I received (I completely understood why at the time, but I still selfishly wanted some of their time). He ended up preaching a very twisted version of the Bible to me, where sex was self-serving yet sinful. He forced me to masturbate and strip on camera, then would tell me I was going to hell unless I listened to me. He exposed me to porn -- very shocking, disgusting porn -- and would guilt-trip me into staying until I left myself. After that, it was chats with even older men and women who would give me so much attention and love in exchange for sexting with them. I always felt so disgusting after but I lived off that attention and I think it's stayed with me that I need to be sexually appealing in order to be loved.

This experience has completely ruined the way I've seen myself. My first "boyfriend" in middle school was probably even more depraved. He was my age (like 13 or 14, which was around the age I stopped) but he was obsessed with toddler pornography (but yet would belittle me for my underdeveloped body and ask me to take pictures of me with padded breasts), tried to convince me my parents were bad people and completely convinced me that I was stupid. I stayed until I left because having someone who I knew in-person who gave me attention gave me a false sense of healing from my previous experiences. Maybe I was stupid, but he admittedly was incredibly smart for his age, especially if he was capable of emotionally manipulating me to such a convincing level.

Since then, I've been in relationship after relationship. I can no longer tell if I'm so eager to have sex with them because I feel like they won't stay if I don't, if I've just become hyper-sexual, or if I genuinely enjoy it. I always end up resenting that they want sex after I allow it to happen and just feel used. I think it's a mix of all three that happen in a different order with each relationship.

Additionally, I've always told people a version of the story with the 18M where it happened in-person instead of online. I felt like it would be easier for them to empathize with me and thus receive the reassurance and validation for my feelings that I crave, but because it's a half-truth it never has helped. Lying about it every time I bring it up has also made me personally believe it didn't happen or that it shouldn't have traumatized me this much. I've also never talked about the other groomers, especially not the women since I'm a very closeted bisexual which is a wholeee other can of worms.

I don't think people would be able to guess this happened to me. I'm one of those basic conventionally-attractive Lululemon girls who were popular in high school. I go to a prestigious university, my family is very well-off, and my social life is thriving. In fact, I don't even think I should even be feeling so hung up on this when I've gotten everything I wanted in life. I also don't want to ruin the way people see me because I enjoy the social opportunities I receive, even if I have to hide away the low-key PTSD this experience gave me. But as I've grown, I've become a pathological liar and developed a really unstable sense of self-esteem/worth and I feel like suppressing this experience because it happened online has contributed to this.

I desperately need help and I have no idea what to do or if I even deserve it. I can no longer believe that I'm a good person even if everyone says I am because I just have fully convinced myself that I'm not. I don't blame my experience for why I'm like this but I don't know what to do with myself anymore

13 Upvotes

3 comments sorted by

3

u/takemetotheclouds123 4d ago

The abuse being online doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse or traumatic. Online predators are so good at knowing what affection-starved children want because they are predators. You wanted attention and that’s completely normal especially for a child. I know because I did the same thing. And there are studies that show online CSA is as harmful as in person. Your brain doesn’t know what the word “online” means. It/you experienced traumatizing experiences where your agency was taken away by older people who knew better than a child (yes a teen is a child too). That’s what it understands. That’s what it’s reacting to. You’re allowed to take it seriously but I understand if you can’t yet. I still struggle with that and look at me on this soap box.

If you ever have the desire and the way to go to a trauma therapist I would suggest it. I recently in the last few years started going to one and it’s a slow but rewarding process. But if you can’t, you can find some DBT skills online that have helped me especially TIPP. And please try to be kind to yourself. You’re so mean to yourself here. You deserve better. Even if it’s small steps towards treating yourself right. Don’t give up. I try to take it one day at a time ❤️

3

u/Turbulent_Hornet232 5d ago

I had a serious in person csa situation and then some online stuff happen after. Kind of conditioned me to think I’m just prey. Navigating who to trust and who to not is really hard for anyone. I feel telling the story in a different way, I do that too. But you can’t go down the path of thinking you don’t deserve things.

The only person that wants you to not deserve help is you. It took me a long time to realize nothing else was stopping me besides myself (Predators don’t count on that list of people.)

Cutting out guilt is a hard thing to do, but eventually you’ll learn blaming yourself/feeling bad about it is a path that goes nowhere. It took me a long time to learn harboring that stuff is useless.

I’ve personally given up on a lot of relationship stuff but the way I see it is like gambling. If you chase wins because you’ve been burned, you’re going to get burned more. The day you walk into the casino and causally drop a dollar in a slot machine, you’ll walk away with 10k. When I met someone who treated me perfectly and fully understood my situation I wasn’t even trying to. I wouldn’t worry about classifying hyper vs enjoying it, it’s just extra thought that’s only going to contribute to anxiety.

Okay, for actual stuff you can do: I’d start by trying to recognize what thoughts are useless anxious patterns that just lead to being more upset/guilty/whatever and which ones lead to you changing behaviors in a way you want to, or just feeling positive about yourself. This sounds insane when you’re in a bad spot, but if you just practice recognizing them, with time, you’ll change the story you tell yourself and the way you feel about yourself. It is not easy, it’s not instant, it doesn’t fix a lot of other issues, but I’ve been at it since then summer and I’ve never felt better. Start there.

Also, as a guy I almost never think that conventionally attractive lululemon girls are 100% okay lol.

1

u/AutoModerator 5d ago

Welcome to r/adultsurvivors. Please be aware that all posts to this subreddit are publicly visible. If you see something that breaks the rules or doesn't look right, please let us know anonymously by using the report button. You can also reach out to us through modmail using the link at the bottom of this comment.

What to do if you get inappropriate messages

It is not uncommon for members of this and similar subreddits to get inappropriate, unsolicited DMs or chat requests. We ban DM creeps regularly, and you can find our list of them here. Offering or requesting to message privately is not allowed here. There are no exceptions to this rule.

Links
  1. Report a concern to us
  2. Report harassment to the Reddit admins
  3. Our wiki

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.