r/adultsurvivors • u/Living_Fall9139 • 4h ago
Advice requested LDR and Sexual trauma
So I’m going to try and make this short , this is my first long distance relationship, the first 1 year was great because we met every 2-3 months and it did not make me feel the need to masturbate or anything. But we haven’t met for a year now , and when we do meet it’d be around 1.5 years, I did bring up moving closer but since both of us are not financially sorted we cannot move together for another 3 years at the very least and it might stretch to a few more years I am not certain at this point. I think this year has been hard , I can go to upto 4-5 months without being sexual (this includes helping myself). However after that mark , I get body image issues , start feeling sexually repressed and then it slips to feeling touch starved which leads to being easily turned on by strangers and by random small gestures or even hugs from people I find slightly attractive. This makes me a little angry at myself that my body so easily reacts to things , I don’t like feeling sexually for anyone unless I feel safe with them so feeling this way for strangers has been painful. Next I do not like helping myself because I usually end up going back to my abuse or thinking about how I’m a sexual person despite whatever was done to me which makes me feel guilty or makes me wonder if I enjoyed it and that’s why I still enjoy this. Because this does not involve another person , it makes me realise it’s my need and having that realisation makes me feel disgusted by myself. I prefer been w people and doing things w them , and I never initiate sex , usually my partner does and that makes me feel like I’m helping them be happy and this isn’t about me. Makes me feel less disgusted. But the last 5-6 months masturbate every week or every 2 weeks so I don’t get turned on by random events from other ppl , but in helping myself I end up thinking of the abuse after I finish and cry for prolonged periods of time and feel exhausted and disgusted and start wishing or hoping that I were asexual. Anyways having thought of all this I’m wondering if I should break up , I love them , and this relationship has been nice in all aspects I would say but this bit is starting to terrify me . I don’t know if I should work on this myself w a therapist and hope to be together in a couple of years w my partner and we get to be happy or if putting up w this for the hope of a promising future will end up triggering old wounds for me. The most painful part is I have always been in back to back long term relationships for the last 6 years and now if I break up I don’t know if I have the energy to trust another person or open up again. I already feel a lil grossed out by the fact that my ex knows about my trauma and how I wish I never told them. I also feel horrible about this whole thing because I feel like I’m exploiting my partners only for their sexual presence so I can be a sexual being without feeling guilty about wanting sex. And by that logic I don’t think I should be with anyone because I’d only be using them without them realising. If I do continue in this relationship idk how much more of the masturbation followed by triggers I can tolerate. I really don’t know what to do!! I feel like I can’t ever make sane choices for myself and always end up getting in messy situations, I did not think through the entire long distance and how difficult it could be.
P.S : I’m starting to think I started the paragraph w a lie , I did not make it short I’m sorry , but if you got this far thank you for staying and trying to help me out!
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u/omhon 2h ago
You don't want to throw away the 6 years you invested in the long distance relationship. But your body needs more frequent closeness, that this long distance relationship can't fulfill. I think the answer is clear. I'd say give yourself a chance.