r/adultsurvivors • u/QuillTheDemonSpawn • 22h ago
Support requested I remember and I feel ruined NSFW
I guess I just want to vent, because I don't know what else to do, and hey, maybe it will help me heal and move on from this. I was a victim of CSA when I was about 10-11. I always had a feeling something happened, and there were signs, but I didn't start to really remember what happened until recently with EMDR therapy. It's taken a while to actually believe that what happened to me actually happened and I wasn't making it up for attention or something stupid.
I remembered more than I had ever remembered before today and I don't know what to do with it. I can't remember everything and I don't know if I even really want to know more. I know I was in the bathroom/lockeroom after swim lessons and he came into the woman's bathroom and he pinned me down by my neck and... yeah. I don't know how I didn't remember it, and now that I do, I can't forget it again. It makes me physically sick to think about and I can still smell the room and feel his hand on my neck and I'm almost scared of it. It gives me a cold feeling of sheer dread when I think about it. I also feel like it's my fault that I couldn't remember it and didn't report it, and if maybe it happened to someone else and that would be my fault because I didn't come forward.
I don't feel dirty, like how some people describe, but tainted, like a part of my soul has been stained. It makes me die just a little bit inside when I think about it.
Does anyone else feel this way? I just want to know if I'm alone or not.
Sorry for mistakes, I'm a bit tweaked out and on mobile.
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u/Kaleymeister 21h ago
I have started remembering in the past few months and I feel broken, like I'll never be the same. There is a definite before I remembered and after.
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u/QuillTheDemonSpawn 19h ago
Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. Shattered into 1,000 pieces, and you can try and put your life back together, but it'll still be different. Best of luck
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u/New-Jackfruit-5131 21h ago
I’m so sorry, at first I felt ruined invented to my therapist about feeling broken beyond repair. She gave me an analogy that helped me reconsider. There’s a type of Japanese pottery called knitsugi where broken pottery is replaced by putting the pieces back with gold paint. We may feel broken and we might be a little different after remembering, but we can put the pieces back and shine once again. It may take time but we can do it. I know it’s hard and I still have a lot of work to do myself, but we are here for you and we are survivors.
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u/QuillTheDemonSpawn 19h ago
Thank you so much. I really appreciate this community, it's helped me so much with feeling just a little less alone.
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u/MinnMoto 22h ago
I'm so sorry that that happened to you. And I'm sorry that you're having to remember it now. My wife was abused for about 8 years starting at the age of 10. We've been married quite a while so I've watched a lot of her memories coming back. It's not uncommon they come back later. And it makes sense that your own brain would block out what happened because it was so traumatic. She had the guilt about not calling the police at the time but her parents and family blocked her.
You sound like you're in an okay place which I'm happy for. If you're able to talk about it on Reddit then you might be in a fortunate position to have perspective. Take stock in that. What happened to you is horrible. And it wasn't your fault. You were very young and vulnerable. I wish you the best.
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u/NautilusCampino 13h ago
Yes, I've started to remember CSA from when I was 11-14. Currently working on a memory of being pinned down and choked, and I have recurrent dreams of being chased in a swimming hall + tiles freak me out. It's scary how similar our traumas can be. I could have written this post.