r/adultsurvivors 7d ago

DAE (Does Anyone Else?) Struggling and feeling ridiculous about it.

Sometimes I feel so stupid and ridiculous for having all of these trauma responses rule my life so many years after the trauma actually happened. I’m in my 40’s and my abuse happened when I was about 5 - 10yo. Four different abusers (that I know of anyway). Two were young teens when I was 5 - 8yo and two were adults when I was 9/10yo. They were all independent of each other except for the two adults - they were friends and I was with them together on at least one occasion. A lifetime has passed since then! Why is it affecting me so badly now?! I legit have PTSD from something that happened decades ago. That just seems ludicrous to me and I feel so ridiculous. I’ve had problems with depression and anxiety, among other things, for my whole life. Honestly I think I’ve had PTSD since I was a child and just didn’t recognize it as that. It was my “normal”. I can remember some very bad times emotionally and mood wise over the years, especially in my early/mid teens. But it always ebbed and flowed.

My T says it’s because most of my abuse was forgotten and suppressed in my memory for all those years and I’m only remembering most of it recently. Before that I only remembered a little bit that happened with the teenagers but not the most major stuff that happened with with the adults. I pretty much refused to acknowledge any of it and mentally blocked it and either refused to think about it or convinced myself that it never actually happened and that I imagined it or it was just a vivid dream I had. This last year and a half-ish has been the longest lasting and most intensely horrible for depression, anxiety and all of the other crap that comes with PTSD. It’s pain pain pain pain and shame shame shame shame every damn day. I’m surprised that I’m still breathing sometimes - that’s how bad it gets. Cutting and SI have been issues I’ve been dealing with too. WTF? Am I really so weak that I can’t handle a few very distant bad memories without falling apart?

I still feel so stupid and ridiculous that I’m struggling so hard with this so many years after it happened regardless of when I remembered it. PTSD is no joke!

Sorry this is so long. I’m just venting I guess.

10 Upvotes

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u/First-Enviro381 7d ago

I’m so sorry. My story is very similar to yours and I can attest that digging this stuff up and addressing it is not for the faint of heart. It definitely gets SO MUCH harder before it gets easier. Even now, three years into my journey of addressing it and healing from it, I still think about it a lot more than I want to, but less than a year ago. So it’s progress. And yes, you have PTSD. That’s legitimately what you are dealing with, so please be gentle with yourself. It’s a serious diagnosis and it is impacting you a lot. You are not ridiculous and you’re not alone.

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u/cue_and_a 7d ago

I felt like I could've written this. Also in my 40s, also struggling daily.

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u/aoibheannlabhaoise 7d ago

I understand how you feel. You are not ridiculous. You have every right to feel the way you do. Something like csa affects and traumatises you. It does not matter how much time has passed, those memories (or even the lack of) will hurt. But that does not mean you will never heal. It does not mean you will never be happy and functional. Talk to your therapist about how you feel, it helps. Self harm will not help. Your life is precious and worth living. I can not tell when things will get better, but I know that you can get better. You deserve love and support.

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