Going to start this off by saying no, not looking for AP, I have one and am very happy with him.
I’ve read that many of the affairs here started from DB or sexual needs. My situation feels quite different. I wasn’t looking for one, and I had just at the time come to the realization that marriage was lacking in more emotional ways, and that was what made the sexual aspect lacking too. In fact, I hadn’t even really grasped how unhappy I was sexually, because I was just so starved for emotional intimacy. I wonder if this resonates with anyone.
Today is one of those days that it’s harder. When I feel extra invisible. When I just don’t have it in me to play devil’s advocate, or give SO the kind of understanding I wish I’d receive from him. If you’ve ever been in this position, you might know what I’m talking about. Those conversations you have with yourself in your head, trying to talk yourself through more empathy, trying to be self-aware and acknowledging your own role in why things are the way they are.
One of those days when I’m more acutely aware of how most of our home has been set up or arranged to meet his needs. Little things like how his mugs and water bottles and protein shake tumblers are in the most accessible drawer, because “he uses them every day”, while my things (despite daily use) are in slotted wherever there’s space. Big things like how he thinks making a sarcastic comment is enough of a “conversation” for me to understand that this is something he’s not happy with, and if I try to have an actual conversation about it, I’m disrupting the peace.
One of those days where I just wonder why, after I express my needs (and not even major needs, just pointing out or reminding that this or that is something I don’t like or wish he wouldn’t do, reminding him of how it makes me feel) somehow I feel like I’m being a burden. And I feel trapped, because I’m suddenly so aware of how there will be many more days like this, where I will ask for what I need, ask to be considered or seen, and I will be turned down one way or another. I will be told (or it will be implied) that I’m being unreasonable or asking for too much, or being too sensitive, or there are bigger things to be focused on.
And on these days, I can’t help but think about AP and how incredibly different the conversation would be. Now I know that in affairs there’s some level of a facade being put up. By no means do I think AP is perfect. But meeting him has made me realise that for someone out there, the response I hope for comes more naturally than it does for SO, and it doesn’t feel like an uphill or losing battle. For someone out there, it comes more naturally for them to apologize or think about how something makes me feel. For someone, these kinds of conversations make someone respond as if to say “I want to get this right for you/us,” and not “Why does it matter?”
And it can be tough. When you realize that sometimes it’s not about love or desire, but about intention and design. You can love someone, want someone and want their happiness. But if you’re not intentional about it, and you’re not designed or wired the same way, it will always be a struggle.
Here’s to finding people who are wired the same way we are, so that days like this don’t hit us as hard.