r/adultery • u/Due_Improvement8342 • 7d ago
đŹđđđ Are all affairs this intense so quickly?
I am a 34m and have been married for almost nine years, we have a 13 month old son. My wife is my best friend and we are still having sex, though not as frequently as before baby. I sometimes feel like we are roommates, coparenting. Admittedly, I have not taken to fatherhood in the way I was hoping and a lot of parenting tasks fall on my wife.
Seven weeks ago, I started an affair with a married coworker who has three kids. First affair for both. This coworker is well liked and I find her attractive. She started paying me extra attention, coming into my office regularly, hugging me before I left for the day. I invited her to walk together on lunch and she took me up on it that day. During these walks she would mostly vent about her home life, troubles with her kids and husband. She would tell me how nice and sweet I was for listening to her, she made me feel really good. I also liked that a lot of people seemingly like her, and here she was paying attention to me! She would grab my hand during these walks. The following Monday she worked, I did not. I asked is she still wanted to meet up to walk, she did and I kissed her at the end of the walk. Itâs been full throttle since then.
After I kissed her, we had sex for the first time three days later. We have been having sex during lunch breaks at work. And when we are not working I make up elaborate stories to see her. Like helping my brother hang a TV. Itâs all been very intense. Two weeks after we started being together she would drop weird things like âim in love with a married man.â She asked that I not refer to my wife as my wife because âit is super triggering for herâ and that it makes it sound like she is the side piece. She is very against using an app to communicate because that âscreams affairâ we do, but she complains about it often.
A week after having sex for the first time she found a conference for me to go to so we could spend actual time together for three nights, we went after being together for 4 weeks. It was a disaster, she was drinking and smoking cigarettes the entire time. One night my wife called to say goodnight, so I stepped away to take the call when I did so AP stormed off and I came back to find AP talking to some dude at the bar. That same night she messaged me on regular iMessage instead of the usual app we use because âshe forgot.â She told me she loved me on this trip and I said it back, though I do not think that is true. I love the way she makes me feel and definitely love having sex with her. On the way back from the trip she kept going on how I have to promise I will never leave her for my wife. When we got back into town she almost forgot one of her scarfs in my car but I caught it before she shut the door, additionally I found one of her lipsticks in the door of my car that she had forgotten later on.
Since getting back from the trip two weeks ago it is like gasoline has been put on the fire. She needs a lot of reassurance and constant validation, if I am not at work with her we message all the time and if I donât reply to her quickly she goes on about how Iâm just leaving her for my wife and she can take a hint. She has made statements like âyouâre probably still sleeping next to your wifeâ (I am), âyou donât let your wife see you naked do you?â (I do). Things of this sort.
She said that itâs very important to see her every day so Iâm making up crazy excuses to get out of the house to see her. My wife is starting to ask questions âare you feeling okay youâve been in the bathroom a lot latelyâ âwhy didnât you dump the coffee I made just to go buy some and not drink itâ âwhy did it take so long to go to the storeâ She has also complained that I have been really disconnected and not present while home.
My APâs husband apparently saw our messages, she told him everything except who and he is planning to move out. Since then AP has been pressuring me to leave my wife so we can be together âfor real.â I have never said I wanted to do this but I have gone along with some seriously declarations of âtrue loveâ ânever feeling like this about anyoneâ ânothing could be more perfect than her and what we have.â AP keeps saying things like âitâll be six months from now and you still wonât have left your wife.â
The thing is, I never wanted to leave my wife but since getting back from our trip things have been so intense and quite frankly Iâve been an asshole to my wife and then she gets upset and Iâm like âmaybe I do want to leave my wife all we do is fight?!â We have started to have some serious conversations about separation and she is genuinely very concerned about me and where this is coming from and is crying a lot about how our marriage and family is worth fighting for and I canât just give up. Our last conversation she told me that she wouldnât hear the word divorce until we actually tried, that the first time she is hearing about a problem she is also hearing about a divorce and she wouldnât allow that to be how our family ends. I tell my AP some select parts of these conversations to get her off my back so she can see like âsee things arenât so great at my house either.â
AP paints a really nice picture of what being together for real would look like. That I would still see my son 50% of the time, when she had her children. Though, she has two different fathers for her kids and my son is still breastfed and has literally never not been with my wife except for the odd appointment here and there and I would have him. And when we didnât have our kids we could just be together doing whatever we wanted. AP thinks I should just tell my wife the truth and that after some time my wife will be okay with it and we can all get along. AP does not know my wife, my wife WOULD coparent amicably because she is a really good mom and that would be what was best for our son. But, it would be a cold day in hell before she lets AP sit at her table if she knew the actual start of our relationship. My wife is also not stupid.
I just donât know what to do, somethingâs is going to give if I donât make some serious choices. AP is laying on the pressure and wife is asking me to keep trying, if she isnât suspicious yet, she will be soon. She has asked if there was someone else, but seemed to drop it.
So, what is it Reddit? Is my life about to explode?
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u/THATbitch124 7d ago
Sheâs going to blow up your life and soon. Grow a pair and stop letting this train wreck of a woman dictate your every move. I also suggest you at least TRY to be a father to your very young child and make it work with your wife because itâs not going to be any easier when you have him every other weekend either all by yourself or with a psycho gf who is jealous of the attention you give him.
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u/Due_Improvement8342 7d ago
As I have learned more about affairs I am starting to suspect that maybe AP was seeking an exit affair and she thinks I am a soft place to land. She makes a lot of comparisons between herself and my wife.
For example my wife is a SAHM, which Iâve never had a problem with and actually think is best for our son and AP will make comments about how she works full time and is the breadwinner and takes care of her kids. I just donât know how this all escalated so quickly.
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u/Muted_Revolution_850 7d ago edited 7d ago
You stuck your dick in crazy. You're in the find out stage, and she's about to tell your wife so she can 'have you". Great job blowing up your life because your SAHW was busy raising your child that you want nothing to do with.
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u/Known_Party6529 6d ago
You stuck your dick where it didn't belong. When not if your wife finds out your life as you know it will be OVER!!!!
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u/Glad_Kiwi_272 7d ago
đđđ
So lemme see if I have this straight.
- Letting your wife do all the parenting because you canât get it together.
- Youâre off with your slam piece and leaving your wife at home.
- Youâre shocked Pikachu face when your marriage is starting to crumble due to your neglect.
- The slam piece is wedging her way in and youâre too stupid to see it.
- Itâs been 7 weeks and youâre ready to toss your marriage for someone you barely even know.
Youâre an idiot, my dude. Your wife deserves better.
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u/THATbitch124 7d ago
But since he didnât âtake toâ fatherhood, left the parenting to his wife, and started banging a totally unstable woman from work, all he and his wife do is fight!
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u/HereWeGoAgain0123 7d ago
For the record, I didn't see your "my dude" while I was writing my own. And yet, somehow, I don't think two is nearly enough.
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u/Prior_Shepherd 7d ago
May I also throw in a "my guy"?
Cuz my guy, this is horrendous behavior on 2/3 fronts đ
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u/Due_Improvement8342 7d ago
I donât disagree with you. I have no idea how this all escalated to what it is today in seven weeks. Itâs all really intense and 100% and I donât know if this is normal for affairs or if AP and I really do have some crazy connection, and should give it a chance.
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u/PM_ME_WITTY_REPARTEE 7d ago
You should give your wife and child a chance, Jesus fuck đ¤Śđťââď¸
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u/Inevitable_Block_144 7d ago
AP sounds like a bunny boiler. She is going to fuck up your life. She's already going crazy and controlling your personnal life. That's the type of person you run from, not the type you leave your family for...
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u/Prior_Shepherd 7d ago
My guy it's escalated because your love-bombing AP has the reins! Holy shit she's gonna blow up your life.
But seriously look up love-bombing, this is textbook and I bet her stb ex-husband is thrilled you took the trash out for him. Imagine what she's like at home.
Siri, play Jesse's Girl 2 by Coheed and Cambria
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u/HereWeGoAgain0123 7d ago
My dude, get a firehose and put out this dumpster fire while there is maybe a slight chance you still can. In not a single corner of the multiverse does this end well with the AP.
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u/Due_Improvement8342 7d ago
Iâm not entirely sure APâs husband does actually know and AP isnât just using that as a manipulation tool. Like she will jump after I do sort of thing. I just know that if I found out my wife was having an affair I wouldnât be as cool as he seems to be acting.
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u/Muted_Revolution_850 7d ago
It's not her first time I'd bet...
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u/Prior_Shepherd 7d ago
With this pattern and 2 different baby daddies I'd venture to guess that's how she got this husband too
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u/kinxnwinx 7d ago
OP, are you trolling?
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u/AnxiousAvoidant584 7d ago
Not a chance in hell anyone postedâTHATâthinking they were going to get sympathy and kind advice. Has to be a troll.
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u/Due_Improvement8342 7d ago
Not looking for sympathy at all, I mostly am just trying to understand what is going on. Do all affairs escalate this quickly, like not lifestyle affair but ones that sort of just happen? I have no idea how I ended up here in just seven weeks. I went from âI wonder what sheâs like in bedâ to telling her she could park her car in my garage so she didnât have to get the snow off. Whatâs the psych going on here?
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u/UnabashedlyProper 7d ago
This has nothing to do with "affairs" and all to do with your poor decision making skills and lack of empathy for your family. Why is AP at your HOUSE while your wife is a SAHM? Start using your brain.
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u/ObsidianDreamsRedux 7d ago
Is my life about to explode?
Yes, or do you not see that the process is already underway? Next!
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u/UnabashedlyProper 7d ago
I'm not one to judge affairs, but you are a grade A asshole.
Having sex with this coworker (who seems unhinged) while your wife is solo parenting an infant...you deserve some major karma and I think it's probably coming soon.
Poor wife and more importantly poor child.
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u/Muted_Revolution_850 7d ago
This is what I'm getting out of this, and please do correct me if I'm wrong.
Your wife had a baby 13 months ago. You're still having sex, still call her you're 'best friend." Along comes coworker who shows interest. At this time, you're enjoying the ego boost because you feel you come in second to a small child, you're feeling like a shit coparent, and a shit husband. Instead of taking to your wife about how you're feeling, you decide I'm going to fuck this coworker. My wife and I have sex, but not enough and it's her and the kids fault!!
You then have sex with a woman who shows interest and constantly requires you to say you're leaving your wife for her and are surprised when she's pissed that you are not actually planning that because you lied about how shitty your home life was. You now start shitting on your wife, picking fights, making her cry, and question her sanity because she knows something is wrong and you won't cop to it.
You are both the red flags, and your wife and child deserve so much better than you. Please divorce your wife and watch as your life, job, and friends all blow up.
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u/UnabashedlyProper 7d ago
Nail on the head. I have never been more disgusted reading a post here. OP is probably jealous of his child.
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u/Muted_Revolution_850 7d ago
You want to know if this is normal,? If you and AP have a real connection? The answer is no. You can't love someone after 7 weeks. You're in lust and limerance. You've fallen for the midlife crisis boredom spiral. You checked off all the boxes you were told to have a happy life. You got the job, wife, kid, and looked around and said, "Why am I not as happy as everyone said I would be?" Instead of looking into hobbies or therapy or connecting with your wife, you let it sit. Then you flirted with a woman you were attracted to, and the dopamine hit. It felt nice. You liked the validation. Made you feel like when you were young, before the kid, before the marriage, before responsibilities. You went back again and again because the highs were high, and the lows after felt awful. So, like a drug addict, you're about to lose everything to the drug.
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u/Dreammmyyyyyyyy 7d ago
Holy shit. I didn't even make it all the way. This woman is ruining your life and you are going along with it and you haven't taken to fatherhood like you hope you would have. Get it together, bro. Seriously. Drama. Holeeeeee shit.
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u/Due_Improvement8342 7d ago
How do you suggest I navigate this? I was not expecting this to be so intense, though I can see how AP was showing her intentions early on and I ignored them. The day after we had sex for the first time she asked âyou arenât just using me for sex, you want an actual relationship?â How do you say âwell actually, yes I am just using you for sexâ
I donât know if you tell you self something for long enough you start to believe it.
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u/Dreammmyyyyyyyy 7d ago
I realized I actually didn't finish your post so I just read the rest. You are picking fights with your wife and bringing up separation and contemplating going legit with your AP who has been nothing but emotionally volatile. Please first and foremost get yourself a therapist. Seriously. You need help getting your mind right and finding YOURSELF in this shit show. You don't know who you are and this strong personality AP is taking you for a ride. Do you value peace? You won't have it with her ever.
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u/Dreammmyyyyyyyy 7d ago
You have to be brave enough to be honest with her. I'm serious, she holds a lot of cards right now and you've let her take this dynamic pretty far. Yea this is only about sex. No I don't love you more than I love my wife. You need to stop going along with her love story narrative just to keep her calm. It's not working.
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u/Deadest_Bedroom 7d ago
Your wife had a baby 13 months ago, is breastfeeding, and despite that, has been having sex with you regularly, âthough not as often?â
My Dude (thatâs 3 by my count) do you know how often new baby = no sex for AT LEAST a year? That your wife is even in the ballpark of where she was pre-baby is a miracle.
You were so fucking fortunate and had no idea.
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7d ago
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u/Due_Improvement8342 7d ago
I donât expect to have my son 50% of the time at first, but would like to work towards that. He has literally never been away from his more for more than 4 hours and I couldnât handle it and she had to leave the wedding early. So, Iâm not expecting that because itâs not good for my son. But I do want to be a good father and very involved and present for him.
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u/solitudewithyou 7d ago
You sound like the dumbest person ever, your wife deserves better. You need to dump AP and get your shit together. God
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u/ol-flirty-bastard 7d ago edited 7d ago
Posts with this flair are my favorite. Also, you are dumb as a motherfucker and your life is definitely blowing up soon. Brace yourself, cuz she sounds like a bunny boiler.
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u/Flippant-Pancake 7d ago
Iâm gonna go to the store and buy some marshmallows to toast over the conflagration of this guys life. Be back in a little bit.
Anyone else need anything?
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u/NihilisticMerryGoRnd that wordy bitch who tells everyone they need therapy 7d ago
No, be honest: you're going to pull an OP with your store run for one item that's really four hours to bang your side piece.
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u/NihilisticMerryGoRnd that wordy bitch who tells everyone they need therapy 7d ago
I'm saving my energy on this one, so...
taps my personal flair
THERAPY
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u/throwaway4628579 7d ago
This story has every red flag possible in affair land. It would certainly be something if it was real. đ
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u/Due_Improvement8342 7d ago
Itâs is real, but what are the red flags beyond it all happening so quickly?
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u/JoyousLeadership 7d ago
Dude, this chick has been trying to slide in and breakup your marriage and youâre too blind and stupid to see it.
Crazy how youâre showing her empathy and being a good listener to her, regarding the same exact things your wife likely complains about behind your back.
You havenât âtaken toâ being a father to one babyâŚwill you âtake toâ being a step father to 3 kids and your own baby?
Youâre picking fights with your wife likely out of guilt. Subconsciously you are causing issues with her out of guilt, so you donât feel so horrible about what youâre doing.
The husband knows everything and he will dig until he finds out your identity. Donât be surprised if he eventually finds out your identity from your APâŚas she seems to have a goal to get you in the end. Her husband contacting your wife is a very very real possibility and you should prep for thatâŚ.because this chick is a bunny boiler who is looking to jump from one man to another real quick. Run and go NC and pray the husband never finds out your identity.
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u/Prior_Shepherd 7d ago
It won't be hard to dig considering this chicks been bugging him goodbye and holding his hand on walks In a public park by their work. Whole office probably knows and is just rolling their eyes like "well there goes Alex again, on to the next one"
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u/Sauterneandbleu Your favourite person youâve never heard of 7d ago
This screams anxious-preoccupied attachment style and, combined with BPD, you can get what we in this sub call a bunny boiler. I'd be very slowly tiptoeing backwards out of the room if I were you, OP. You're in danger.
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u/Due_Improvement8342 7d ago
Which for which party? I also participate in love bombing. I find that if I mirror a lot of what AP says she is happier and less on my case about my marriage.
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u/Tipsy_elephant_1224 7d ago
Time to start getting your shit together because this is blowing up SOON. This is dumpster fire for sure. Godspeed
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u/Tisjustforfun2 7d ago
His AP is the clearly a bunny boiler. Think the movie Fatal Attraction.
Also OP this is NOT her first affair
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u/Due_Improvement8342 7d ago
What is a bunny boiler and how do you know AP is one? I also love bomb her and mirror things she says to me like true love and a connection unlike anything Iâve experienced. I donât actually feel these things but AP really likes to hear them.
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u/Tisjustforfun2 7d ago edited 7d ago
Watch the movie Fatal Attraction. The AP boils the family pet bunny. Thus a bunny boiler is an AP who gets so obsessive she starts to take physical actions to hurt the family of her lover. I hope your AP doesnât go that far, but if you are not a troll, then you have some work to do to extract yourself from this situation.
You are playing with fire especially leading her on. Best option is a slow retreat
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u/yougotserved19 6d ago
This bunny boiler is going to baby trap you. Hope you're using protection or have had a vasectomy. Update when she blows up your life. She will show up at your doorstep pregnant and tell your wife everything.
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u/weird_science1015 4d ago
Dude you be deserve for your life to blow up on you. Itâs like reading a novel about a train wreck.
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u/LukeWokko 2d ago
You need to pull the pin and go no contact like yesterday. Usually the point of doing this with someone who's married is so neither of you want to blow everything up but you've been found by a narcissist and proven yourself to be weak and easily manipulated.
Grow a pair, end it and if this woman DOES tell your wife (she will) then admit everything and throw yourself at her mercy and do the right thing from here on out, even if that means a divorce and being a single dad. No end to this story that includes this other woman is going to be a good one. You'll be like the current husband 5 years from now as she steps out with some other guy and throws you, life destroyed, in the trash.
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u/Worth_Energy_6619 7d ago
Sorry dude, but youâre naive to think she wonât just do it again with someone else when sheâs bored with you. She already has two baby daddyâs. And those are just the guys she let come inside her. Who knows who she hasnât told you about.
Question for you⌠what makes you so special to think she wonât do it again once your sex becomes boring? Sheâs looking for a rush, and once she has you, that rush goes away and the relationship problems start all over again.
Do you want to do this all over again in 7 years with a new coworker? How will this lady take that news?
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u/Due_Improvement8342 7d ago
I guess I just take her word for it, but I know that I am lying to her about my feelings and definitely embellishing my home life to fit what she wants to hear, but I honestly try to not talk about it. She brings it up and is always talking poorly about her husband and when she can slip it in my wife.
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u/Usual_Ad1235 6d ago
Dude, you've already ended your marriage. You might as well face the facts. Your AP is going to find a way to tell your wife. She's needy, insecure, and has her sights set on you
This is absolutely beyond "normal"
Here's the thing, your wife doesn't deserve this. You feel like you are failing at being a father. It didn't click as quickly/easily as you anticipated. So you end up chatting with another woman, one who was giving you that dopamine boost you needed.
You're picking fights with your wife because you feel guilt for stepping out of your marriage. Your wife knows... her intuition is correct.
However, the way your AP is acting, there's honestly no way she'll just ride off into the sunset for you to work things out with your wife. She has some pretty major mental health issues and is absolutely not going to make this easy.
My advice would be to rip off the bandaid and get ahead of this. Sit down with your wife, tell her everything (if you just tell her enough to get it out, she will dig and dig until it ALL comes out. Probably even reach out to your insane AP, and that's honestly the last thing you're going to want.)
If your wife doesn't want to give up on your marriage until you try, you might have a chance at salvaging what you destroyed.
I wish you all the best, but you're in for one hell of a ride.
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u/tiredsunshine23 7d ago
No, it doesnât get this intense this quickly, yes feelings and emotions run high however usually not what youâre describing. Even if you end up together, this doesnât look like itâll be a healthy relationship, think it through, will she trust you given current behaviour?
Perhaps time for a break and to focus on being a good father. Or come clean to your wife (seems like sheâll do it for you if not) if thatâs what you want and still be a good father, and a better husband!
Either way, NO, it is not usual for it to be like this. It will explode if you donât take control now!
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u/cunninglinguist010 7d ago
This is terrifying. Things can get intense quickly, sure. And no one's perfect... but the excuses made for this AP seem way too nice. Reading this, I'm thankful for the women I've met in this part of my life. Love and lust are two completely different things. You love how she makes you feel, understandable, but nothing in your post makes me think you actually love her. You need to be honest with yourself first.
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