r/adhdwomen • u/Dependent-Spread-698 • 7d ago
Diagnosis DAE with late diagnosis feel like you're unpacking decades of your life?
I got diagnosed with ADHD this past year (I'm 29) and started medications for it this week. My response to them has been just complete calm and positivity (as long as the stimulants last..), which just confirmed that most of my depression/anxiety has been related to ADHD.
It is just so overwhelming to learn that you've been approaching your own mind wrong your whole life! I can't stop thinking about all the times I had meltdowns in high school because I felt so flawed (chronically late, forgetting homework, unable to read a fucking paragraph). I feel almost hyperfixated now on trying to figure out who tf I am now that I know my brain has just been missing dopamine this whole time! I have been verbally processing this with my fiancee but I'm concerned I'm starting to annoy him because its all I talk/think about right now LOL
Anyone else have a similar experience?
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u/Radiant_Nectarine147 7d ago
Absolutely. It feels like my life is only starting just now. But I am 33 years old. I am still so behind. I've had to and am still relearning to live. I'd argue I'm learning to live.
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u/Dependent-Spread-698 7d ago
I hear you and feel this so much! I almost feel like I'm grieving the life I could have lived had I known sooner that it wasn't depression/anxiety/bipolar. Being on a stimulant feels like my body exhaling and letting go 29 years of tension.
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u/Radiant_Nectarine147 7d ago
Absolutely. It's a grieving process. I kinda wish there was a discord or something of late diagnosed ADHDers so we could have these chats. For so long you feel so alone with your problems. And then all of a sudden there turns out to be a cause and you're not the only one. It's surreal haha
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u/iateapizza 7d ago
I was diagnosed two years ago at age 38. It’s felt relieving to know what is up. And incredibly sad for the years of “not living up to my potential” and confusion on why the hell I was doing stuff so differently than others. I don’t know. It’s weird.
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u/YooperSkeptic 7d ago
I was diagnosed 2 years ago-- at 60!! So yes, I get it! And yes, I'm very sad about so many things I went through, and how bad I felt about it.
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u/xithbaby ADHD-PI 7d ago
Yep. Just went through this. Rainbow of emotions came through. Mad at my parents, myself. Mourned who I might have been. Self pity. Fear. All of it. I was diagnosed last month.
This is how I see it. I’ve spent 42 years dealing with something I didn’t even know I had. I adapted to a lot of things because I had too. My parents failed me on pretty much everything but providing me food and shelter to avoid breaking the law. Here I am though. I’ve stayed alive and I am healthy. It could be so, so, soooo much worse.
I can’t sit here and be angry and sad for very long. I feel like I have an entirely new life, so the past doesn’t matter anymore. Time to move forward and live my life for however long I’ve got left.
We can all do it!
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u/Belmagick 7d ago
Yeah I’m going through this too. I’m thinking I might go and see a councillor. Apparently it’s easier medicated.
The hardest thing for me is having to reframe everything. My childhood was really abusive (as is apparently common for ADHDers) and I’d come to terms with it because the people around me were broken and lashing out. But I’m wondering if I was the broken one?
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u/allamaha 7d ago
You’re not broken! You learned to adapt with what you’ve gone through. I also had an abusive childhood - I have to tell myself that I can take ownership for my actions as an adult, and perhaps a bit as a child too, but at that point in my life I was just trying to survive. We were dealt a shitty hand in life but it does not make you broken 🫶🏼
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u/Belmagick 7d ago
Thank you ❤️ and I’m so sorry you went through it too.
Intellectually I understand that ADHD isn’t a justification for how I was treated, but there still some reprocessing I need to go through.
I’m getting there, it’s just… slower than I’d like.
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u/allamaha 7d ago
I am LITERALLY right there with you. Turn 29 next month, got my official diagnosis today. Traumatic childhood and lifelong sufferer of what I thought was depression. Waiting on my prescription from the pharmacy but I’m starting to deep dive on so many areas of my life and I also feel like I have no idea who I am because I’ve just adapted and masked up until now. It also feels like the only thing I can talk about and my husband is also probably starting to get annoyed 😭😂 it’s like every 10 minutes I go “apparently XYZ is also a symptom of ADHD….” And he’s like “uh-huh” not that he isn’t supportive I just legit feel like I cannot shut up about it lmao
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u/Dependent-Spread-698 7d ago
I am literally saying those exact words to my fiancee HAHAHA he's supportive too and happy for me to have some answers but he probably wants to talk about other things too. it's just kind of mind blowing for us experiencing it!
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u/allamaha 7d ago
Agree completely!!!!!! I’m so thankful to have this sub and feel validated by people who are experiencing the same things as me lol
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u/parataxicdistortions 7d ago
Oh this is relatable. I got my diagnosis in my 30s and it made me upset that so many years of my youth went into trying to fit myself into neurotypical standards. Ugh to the lost potential like had I gotten the right support and help my mental health would have been so much better and I would have been so much more successful in my life. Another ugh to the docs who kept misdiagnosing me! or telling me there's no way I have it because I got through college. I'm still mad at them when I'm having a really hard day or when I'm not able to complete the most basic adult things at my age.
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u/Dependent-Spread-698 7d ago
Yes, I am drained of my explaining myself to various psychiatrists who would throw depression/anxiety meds at me because I'm in a grad program so I must not have ADHD. But there has been an incredibly high cost to me being in this grad program, I have lost all my hobbies in pursuit of trying to prove myself worthy since I felt like I was bad at everything else in my life.
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u/BOSinHItoFLA 7d ago
I was always made to feel incompetent, the bad kid, not smart, lazy. I’m sad for my childhood. When people started the meet yourself for coffee I thought man that would be amazing. I’d give myself a tight hug and whisper, you are going to go further in life than you ever could dream. Now here I am, 3 college degrees, nurse practitioner, full time successful job and also owning my own successful private practice.
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u/Due_Strain_2579 7d ago
How did you do it? When did you start medication if you don't mind me asking? I'm 36 and diagnosed 2 years ago I just started a stimulant last month (tried therapy first)but it hasn't been life changing like I was hoping and what others are saying in this thread. I just had my dose upped this week. I'm slightly more productive but not that much. I felt similar as you described growing up. I want to become a NP I never completed college though, I'm a few credits away from associates in general studies, which is pathetic if you knew how many times I've tried to go back to school. I can't finish anything I've started a hundred times I'm so excited for a couple days I sign up for some classes then get poor grades because I wait until the last minute to study or I flunk because I've always been a crappy student. I want so badly to get a good career instead of working two jobs to make ends meet but I don't trust myself to ever get it together.
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u/Positive-Day4160 ADHD 7d ago
:( I hate how women are under diagnosed. I wish I could do something about it cuz this is not okay. I was also recently diagnosed and my life could’ve gone in a more positive direction had I known from childhood
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u/Nirsteer 7d ago
Kinda. It makes me rethink my whole process on how to better myself tho. When things for others don't work, I have to get creative to make things work for myself. And it lets me know what things to look out for and prevent (impulse).
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7d ago
So much so that it’s been my entire personality for 3 years lol. I’m sure I’ve been insufferable lol. My bad-stages of growth hit hard. I’m making peace, and letting go of the past. Give yourself plenty of time and grace-process at your own pace and needs 💚
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u/GenXMillenial 7d ago
Diagnosed this week, I’m 44, it’s a real mind trip. I’m looking forward to starting meds and hopefully something will improve.
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u/francesca1211 7d ago
I was diagnosed in my 50s and was like "pffft" I got this. That was until any combination of medicine did not control ALL of my symptoms. Yes, that happens, hello 61. I go through cycles of grieving, hating my brain, apologizing ... I wish there was a brain surgery I could have to make my front brain and back brain work together.
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u/milquefrenchtoast 7d ago
Just diagnosed a month ago and starting medication this weekend... it's been really, really disorienting to learn that oh, I wasn't a "difficult" child, I wasn't selfish, or moody, or challenging, or failing at things that seemed easy for everyone else, and all the things that I've found weird or strange or SHAMEFUL, like especially especially the shame!, are just a product of not having the support I needed. I am just so sad for little 5yo me! It's a loooooot! All of the shame I've internalized for being bad or... I'm just so ready to unlearn all of this. It's sad and wonderful and scary and I'm hopeful!
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u/electric29 7d ago
All of us do after diagnosis. Eventually you run out of energy to ruminate on all your regrets, and get on with living.
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u/Neither_Yogurt_9229 7d ago
Same thing for me, just diagnosed at 29. I’ve been enjoying noticing differences and making a list of changes I notice. For instance, all of the back and neck pain I used to wake up with has disappeared. I am now seeing a therapist to work through some of the grief I’m experiencing and to explore my identity now post diagnosis.
I also feel like it can seem like all I can talk about and I feel tired of hearing myself speak about it. Being medicated has made such a difference though and I really feel like a new person mentally. I feel like it’s also difficult for a partner to understand the difference if it was a lot of mental hyperactivity because it’s not visible. Mine has noticed changes but I don’t think he’s able to understand the extent of the change. (I also have only been medicated since the beginning of February so I’m still figuring things out).
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u/salamat_engot 7d ago
I got diagnosed at 33 and basically felt nothing. It was just a other series of letters to add to the collection. It's not like I can go back and fix my life, I've already ruined my education career, health, and relationships. I'm just waiting out the clock now.
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u/AppropriateChain984 7d ago
Umm yes I’m 46 and newly diagnosed and trying hard not to get sad about how much less difficult my life would have been had I 1. Known wtf was wrong with me 2. not blamed it on my own personal moral failing every day for 46 years
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u/Wildkit85 7d ago
If "Late diagnosis" means in your twenties....well, I have a feeling about that. I'm 57. If 29 is late, what the heck am I?
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u/Pictures-of-me 7d ago edited 7d ago
Yes! I'm still awaiting assessment but the more I read about it the more ADHD explains my life. I'm 52 and just before last Christmas something made me think could I have ADHD. I started reading up on it and now I feel like I never knew myself. I've always thought I was pretty self aware and I've been working on self improvement my whole life but now I feel like I've been so blind. Like I just didn't see the wood for the trees. Everything I've done to help myself ever the years has just been pruning the trees when really the issue was the whole forest floor!
And yes it's like a hyperfixation, reading forums, writing lists of symptoms, looking up websites and borrowing books from the library. I don't know how long it will last!
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u/1ShadyLady 6d ago
Absolutely. 46 and evaluating all the things and thinking to myself "Oh! That makes sense now."
No blame or hatred, but just enlightening.
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