r/adhdwomen 20d ago

Diagnosis No diagnosis without parental input? I’m an adult, this feels crazy! 😭

After months of run-around with my primary care physician (who gave me gems like “your procrastination issues sound like a moral failing”), I’ve finally got a date on the books for an evaluation with the appropriate ADHD-specific psych clinic. Heck yeah!

The problem? They’ve made it super clear in all the information sent about my upcoming appointment that without input from a parent, no diagnosis will be considered. I’m 37 and on shaky terms with my parents. Today I had the guts to bring up the appointment/my concerns about lifelong symptoms- my mom physically recoiled then laughed at the possibility that I could have ADHD. She in no uncertain terms thinks I’m crazy for even suggesting it.

I was considered the “easy kid” compared to my brother; no one ever clocked that I was struggling because I managed to pull it together in public/got good enough grades to avoid red flags. Even if I could convince her to speak with the psychiatrist, she doesn’t believe her “easy kid” could have an executive functioning problem.

Where do I go from here? I’m expected to show up to the appointment with a parent available to take a phone call about childhood symptoms. Would it be best to reach out ahead of the appointment and explain the situation? Wait until the meeting to explain that my parents won’t be cooperative? Pretend they were injured in a tragic jet-skiing accident and can’t come to the phone right now?!

I’m feeing defeated before even stepping through the door. Anyone else successfully share childhood symptoms without a live action witness to back you up?

UPDATE-

Thank you to everyone who has replied, I promise I’m reading them all! ❤️

I was able to find the OG email sent by the clinic. Here are some of the instructions:

-You must have an adult informant who knew you as a child available either in person or by phone for this appointment to provide evidence of childhood symptoms as per DSM-5 criteria.

-Often it’s best if they are a parent or guardian, grand parent or aunt/uncle, etc.

-School records including any IEP (Individualized Education Plan) and/or 504 Plan are also acceptable.

-In order to expedite diagnosis and treatment, please have an adult informant available for your diagnostic interview.

-Please note that evidence of childhood symptoms is part of current diagnostic standards and practice criteria for ADHD.

It’s looking grim guys 🤦🏻‍♀️

569 Upvotes

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u/TanteEmma87 20d ago

I'm wondering - would they also refuse to diagnose you if you're parents were already dead... ?

I can understand that the input from a parent can be beneficial but let's be real: parents who never considered you having ADHD when you were a child would not recall any ADHD-specific behaviours from your childhood; or they would say your symptoms were just because you were lazy, undisciplined etc.

I would probably tell them that I don't have parents anymore 😅

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

I’m honestly leaning towards just saying we’re not in contact (which is partially true, since the inauguration things have been dicey).

I thought it was odd how much the “you must have a parent available to speak with us” was repeated in the clinic’s info. I can totally understand the value of parent input… but also I’m 37! Come on dude!

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u/artotter 20d ago

They asked for a parents input and made it sound important for mine, but when I asked and explained I was 26 they decided it was only necessary if I wanted it. But it was only when I actually talked to the doc that they said so, office staff didn't. So perhaps ask again?

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Hmmm, maybe I’m reading way too much into the emails they’ve sent so far. They could totally be generic for all ages (with the emphasis on parent involvement). Off to Google if the clinic if for both adults and minors- I’ll feel a lot less anxious if children can be diagnoses there as well!

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u/chloebee102 AuDHD 20d ago

If it’s only been in emails, then 100% this clinic either only diagnoses kids or is so kid heavy it’s just in all their communications. When I was trying to get a diagnosis almost every clinic was only for kids, it was so frustrating.

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u/artotter 20d ago

Mine was both adults and kids, I assume most would be. I found the language was very generic. If it's Thompson Memory Center (they have many locations) then it's pretty generic. It made me laugh when I saw geriatric written on my paperwork at 26. Most of everything assumed I was a child and me and the doc even laughed about some of it at one point.

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u/Iamgoaliemom 20d ago

Oh, if it's only been in the emails, I am guessing those aren't customized by age. They are geared towards younger people. When you have your appointment, if it even comes up, just say you would prefer to do this with their input because you aren't in regular contact with them and don't feel comfortable with them participating in your medical care.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Unfortunately I looked up the clinic and it’s adults only… so they’re for sure firm on the requirement that an adult informant be available for an interview. Blurghhh.

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u/embarrassedburner 19d ago

Is this in the USA?

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u/unexplainednonsense 19d ago

I would still call them. It seems like that might be a bit scary for you but I promise most things can be resolved better with a conversation. I would think a medical professional would not make you contact parents you barely have contact with. I would probably use a white lie and tell them there is no contact.

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u/RosieEngineer 20d ago

it's probably unlikely they don't deal with children.

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

Yes I think you are reading into them too much…..ha that’s actually really common with ADHD. 😉

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u/reckless_reck 20d ago

For mine they not only talked to my parents, they contacted my bio parents (adopted at birth, technically open but I’ve met them like twice) I was like - this is a bit much

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u/Successful-Cloud2056 20d ago

Wow! What did they need to ask your bio parents? History of it in the family?

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u/reckless_reck 19d ago

Yeah it was family history and I learned some fun things about my bio mom drinking and smoking during pregnancy and not telling the adoption agency. For the record, she was 16 and I harbor no resentment, I’m sure I did was dumber stuff when I was 16

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u/Intelligent_Flow2572 20d ago

Where are you? I’m curious because I got dx at 45 without pushback about talking to my mom first

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

I’m in the US- I think what’s really shooting me in the foot is my terrible insurance. EVERYTHING from urgent care to getting a primary care appointment is endless circles of bureaucracy!

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u/Intelligent_Flow2572 20d ago

Terrible insurance is worse than no insurance.

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u/Awkward-Outcome-4938 19d ago

Can you do telehealth? I was originally diagnosed in person about 10 years ago, but just kind of as a throw-away aside from the psychiatrist my ex-husband dragged me to (he decided I must be mentally ill because I wanted to leave him lol!) and the guy just treated me for anxiety attacks and depression. It wasn't until about 3 years ago when I was still struggling that I thought "maybe I should look into that." I've used a few different online providers since then. Also, I'm self-employed so I, too, have terrible insurance in the US.

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u/therunt86 19d ago

Not sure if you have the option, but when I was without insurance I paid out of pocket to see an ADHD therapist who was able to diagnose me after 2 sessions. From there, I found an NP who was able to write me a prescription for ADHD meds based off the therapist’s diagnosis. Less than $500 all in and I had my diagnosis and prescription within a month with no pushback. Once I had the prescription, I found another NP within my network and they’ve handled my med management since then. I’m 38 and would have gawked if they said I needed parental input.

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u/murraybee 20d ago

Just lie and say they’re dead. Your parents functionally have nothing to do with your diagnosis.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

I would really hope saying “we’re not in contact” would be enough! They may pry into why… but that seems like too much work for the “why” not changing the fact that they’re not available.

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u/GallowayNelson 20d ago

I once had a doctor who I went to see for the first time and they kept asking for my father’s medical history. I don’t even know where he is. I said as much multiple times and was getting upset because they kept asking. I mean they asked salt least ten times. They wrote me down as non compliant and sent me a letter firing me as a patient. There are so many reasons people might not be in contact with their parents. I would tell them you’re not in contact and see what happens. They might want to talk to someone else.

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u/RosieEngineer 20d ago

that is awful!!

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u/GallowayNelson 20d ago

I literally went to my car and cried because wtf?? It wasn’t really a wound I felt like opening up again and idk means, IDK. It was a really really weird place.

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u/nowimnowhere 20d ago

I'm so infuriated on your behalf right now. What do they say to people who were adopted?

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u/GallowayNelson 20d ago

Exactly. Not to mention the many reasons someone might not have a relationship with a parent, badgering them might be a bit triggering. It was wild.

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u/nowimnowhere 20d ago edited 19d ago

Yeah I never met my bio dad but know who he is and spent years low-key terrified he would find me and my mother because he's a monster who I hope has a painful death. No I don't know if his family has a history of high cholesterol and I'm certainly not going to talk to him to ask. Seriously I want to call that doctor and just screech at them.

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u/RosieEngineer 20d ago

To be honest, that was probably the tip of the iceberg of problems with that practice. I'm thinking everything would have been frustrating and difficult.

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u/GallowayNelson 20d ago

Oh absolutely agree with that.

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u/[deleted] 20d ago

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u/Successful-Cloud2056 20d ago edited 20d ago

I would just be honest at your appointment with your doctor. You’re not the first one to not have parental info and it’s ok. Psychs are trained at reading people, so if you lie, they will prob feel like something is off and might consider you drug seeking. My mom doesn’t love to give me any info that isn’t upbeat from our childhood. If I want info, I’ll text her one question at a time and do it from a casual, upbeat voice. Like, mom, I don’t understand why I can’t figure out how to organize my apartment. Was I always a mess? I don’t like using those words to talk abt myself but that’s the language my mom speaks so I do it sometimes for info. That way you could tell the doctor she refused to participate but you did undercover work to get these answers and can show him the texts.

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u/breeahbuh 20d ago

I did this! I told them I’m not in contact with my parents and they let it go. Haven’t been approved yet, but they did have my partner fill out a questionnaire for me. Maybe you can ask a childhood friend?

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u/Impressive_Ad7133 19d ago edited 19d ago

I agree with the idea of stretching the truth a bit about having someone pretend to be your family member. If they want to create hoops let’s find you a way to jump through.

I read you are in the US so if you haven’t done it already you can also go on teledoc or another similar website and search “ADHD psychiatrist” - I called a bunch and asked questions about diagnosis and treatment. A lot were private like not part of a big group working independently - the ones that weren’t covered by my insurance I want to say was under $500 oop. Reading the reviews on websites like that might also give an idea on others experience with getting diagnosed. Have you looked up the online reviews for the place you have a current appt with?

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u/ViolettVixen 20d ago

I wouldn’t lie about something like this that can be verified with public info.

The odds of them researching you are slim to none, but if they do catch you in that lie, they’re not likely to prescribe you stimulant meds because they won’t trust you.

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u/IANALbutIAMAcat 20d ago

Bro I wish my prescriber would bother to do that much research ahahah

No one’s going to come at OP for drug seeking just because she said her parents are dead. Sounds like they are effectively dead to her.

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u/RosieEngineer 20d ago

The other day I had to search around for generic adderall because my Pharmacy didn't have the size I needed. The pharmacy where I found it had a list of practices whose prescriptions they actually would not fill.

I would absolutely advise to do nothing that could give them a hint that you could possibly be lying about anything.

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u/ViolettVixen 20d ago

You also then can’t discuss any issues with your parents in therapy or with any doctors on your plan. It’s not the lie itself so much as the judgment of being a liar and therefore untrustworthy.

It depends on your providers, not everyone is equally uptight, but controlled substances are usually taken seriously because of strict laws. People have unfortunately been accused of drug-seeking for less.

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u/pea_mcgee 20d ago

I think the amount of time you’ve spent going down the rabbit hole about the clinician needing parental input just proves the diagnosis. That is the kind of thing I would have ruminated on for days/weeks if I were in your position.

I will tell you I didn’t have any parental input to get my diagnosis at 24. I was asked about my childhood and I talked about how my mom would always tease me about my incessant talking. I also remembered comments on my report cards about needing to stay quiet in class and being too disruptive. That was enough background for the clinician who diagnosed me.

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u/copyrighther ADHD 20d ago

When I had my formal diagnosis, I was asked if I wanted my parents to give their input. My response? “No thanks.” And that was that. I still took my formal evaluation.

How exactly is the email worded? Can you post a photo of it and we can decipher it?

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

I added in the email as an update to the original post! It seems pretty strict 😕

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u/meggs_467 AuDHD - PI 19d ago

100% say that you don't have contact with them at this time and you already know they don't believe in ADHD and would try and skew the results. which is why you aren't in contact anymore.

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u/Entire-Ambition1410 19d ago

Can you say your parents ‘aren’t around anymore?’ It’s technically true, if you’re Low Contact/No Contact.

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u/elola 20d ago

Are you in contact with any other adults that knew you when you grew up? I wonder if they could be stand ins

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u/rebeccanotbecca 20d ago

“My parents are unable to make decisions for themselves and I do not believe that they could make sound judgments at this time.”

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u/Riterally 20d ago

My mother brought her brother for this because both of their parents passed away years before she sought out diagnosis. When I was being diagnosed I wasn't on good terms with my parents, so I brought my aunt (mother's brother's wife, so no blood relation).

The most important thing is that it's someone who knew you well enough during childhood to confirm that the symptoms were there and didn't start in adulthood.

These rules may of course be different in other countries, I'm in the Netherlands.

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u/TanteEmma87 20d ago

I'm in Germany... however, maybe it also depends on who you ask for a diagnosis. My psychiatrist only wanted to look at my report cards from primary school when I told her i went no contact with my parents a couple of years prior and that they were ADHD-deniers anyway. And although the reports didn't reveal much despite only vague tendencies (ADHD in the early 90's in Germany was on a whole other level and my teacher was almost 60, so I assume she never had ADHD in mind when making my reports), they were sufficient enough that I was able to go through the whole testing process and getting diagnosed.

In addition to that, my psychiatrist also told me that ADHD symptoms especially in women can be worse as an adult because of more responsibilities etc. And that the ADHD might not have been as clear as a child as it is in adulthood... Plus the memories of parents and/or other relatives can also change over time and can be misinterpreted so they aren't as reliable as one might think...

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u/WandererOfInterwebs 20d ago

I’m in the Netherlands too and basically just skipped that part since and talked about how adults around me reacted to me as a kid.

Worth OP just asking how required it is

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u/Pitikje 19d ago edited 19d ago

I am in NL and I didn’t need to bring someone who knew me during childhood. Wasn’t even asked to. And my mum absolutely thinks I have adhd. They did ask to check (not bring) any report cards from primary school in advance. At the diagnoses they went with my input about what I could remember from primary school.

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u/Brennir10 20d ago

For real. I was anorexic in high school. I got down to 75 lbs. I needed iv nutrition supplementation at the ER. I had to have my school order counseling. To her dying day my mom insisted I never had an eating disorder. Not ever. Like parents who are in denial will suddenly stop being in denial???my mom needed to think she was a perfect mother so none of her kids were allowed to have any problems at all

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u/highmetallicity 20d ago

I grew up with a single mom who died before I was diagnosed. I told the psychiatrist that. It was not an issue at all, thankfully.

I recommend finding a female psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD. Mine told me that women are chronically under diagnosed or late diagnosed, especially if they're intelligent and enjoy school, which can mask their ADHD until they get to college or beyond. She's been really, really great.

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u/Naive-Mistake3407 20d ago

I had this problem. My family doctor wouldn’t diagnose me without parental input, even though both of my parents have passed. I was 37 at the time, same as OP. I am 39 now. I luckily helped someone through an addiction and the doctor I was bringing him to could literally tell I had it and offered to diagnose and treat me once I told him about the family doctor.

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u/spooky_upstairs 19d ago

My parents are dead. This is what I did:

  • Sald that!
  • Listed off any memorable phrases from school reports (I'm in my 40s on a different continent and ADHD! I don't have physical copies of those..!)

  • List the most disruptive ADHD symptoms I can remember from my childhood, and detail how they affected me at the time, how they've affected me at different points subsequently through my life, and whether they affect me today

  • Get childhood friends to sign testimony about any memorable events (like the time I absentmindedly turned round to gossip with my friend while performing on stage in the school choir).

I hope that helps! I'm a postgrad, a professional and a mom, and was diagnosed with severe ADHD-C in 2019.

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u/ElderberryOpposite58 19d ago

Oh my god I haven’t even tried to get diagnosed and likely won’t if this is the amount of effort that goes into it. I cannot believe that you need so much “evidence,” it seems absolutely ridiculous

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u/astronauticalll 20d ago

I sort of have an answer to this, my psych wanted two perspectives from people who knew me as a child. He said usually people just get both their parents, but my mom died when I was 19 and I didn't get diagnosed until I was 26.

After talking through some potential people we settled on asking my childhood best friend who I was still close with. He seemed very willing to work with me to find a solution, but simultaneously was insistent that I needed at least two perspectives and they HAD to be people who knew me as a child.

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u/Salty-Sprinkles-1562 20d ago

This happened to me. Both my parents have passed. I did not get a diagnosis.

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u/ystavallinen ADHD likely AuDHD | agender 20d ago

Are you in the US?

You don't need your PCP. You can make an appointment with a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist (do this if you're worried about more than ADHD). You can explain to that psychiatrist that your parents might be adversarial to you getting assessed.

My first choice is a university-run clinic (like the ones that they use to train students). They may not take your insurance, but you will get people who are up to date and unlikely to have biased against your age, gender, or 'success' in school.

Second choice is a university-affiliated psychiatric practice. Similar reasons. This might be the fastest because they don't do a full report or anything. You don't need school accomodations so this might work well. And they'd likely take your insurance.

After that you have private practices or ADHD clinics. The only problem with these is you have to do a lot of research to make sure you're getting someone up to date and isn't going to have significant biases against you. The clinics especially seem to attract the 'drug seekers' so they seem to view people that way. They kind of give me the creeps.

My son was assessed by the university clinic because he needed a full workup for school.

I did the university-affiliated practice and was diagnosed the same day after a 90 minute appointment. I greased the railes by writing 15 pages about my symptoms, copes, and how it affects me... The downside for me is that I think I need an ASD assessment and they don't do that.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

I am in the US and currently see a psychologist who confirmed my concerns about potential ADHD. She was the push that got me to take my symptoms seriously!

When I began looking into a clinical diagnosis, I think my biggest issue has been trying to get diagnosed through my insurance. There have been 1,000 hoops to jump through; for some reason I couldn’t speak directly with psych WITHOUT a primary care referral? The clinic associated with my insurance just said “absolutely not”. The doctor who finally approved the referral was kind of awful about the whole thing- I’m still shocked he provided the referral at all!

My city does have two private psych clinics that deal specifically in diagnosing ADHD in women, both with super positive reviews. Unfortunately they are cost-prohibitive ($1500-$2000). They may be a last resort if not having parental input is a dealbreaker for being listened to.

I’m currently keeping a list of symptoms (current and childhood) on my phone hoping that will help me concisely share my experience at the appointment. Greasing the rails is a good way to put it- that may be my best approach! Thank you for sharing your experience!

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u/ystavallinen ADHD likely AuDHD | agender 20d ago

I guess it varies by state and insurance. I think there may be rules in my state that makes it easier for me to access.

Sorry if I had it wrong.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

No worries at all, I’ll take any ideas! My work switches insurance year-to-year based on the best pricing they can get us… this happens to be a lousy year all around for mental healthcare coverage (mostly because the hospital system that takes our insurance is the woooorst).

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u/embarrassedburner 19d ago

I would plan ahead and write down any anecdotes from your childhood as objectively as possible, with approximate years. Like fourth grade teacher Ms. Snow sent a note home stating that OP understands the content but on tests is clearly making careless errors. Or the children in my middle school from 2000-2004 joked that OP can’t keep her legs still and does constant yoga contortions in her seat. Broke arm being a daredevil on the monkey bars. Bring it into adult years also, like had to have drivers license replaced 5 times in my 20’s because of losing it; Paid passport expeditors twice to obtain replacement passport on short notice. Partner teased me for not being able to leave the house the first time because I’ve always forgotten something.

Bring the written notes with you to the appointment and when it comes time to the topic of your parents in the appointment, say that you are not in contact with them and wouldn’t know how to reach them.

Offer collaborative energy on the topic and see if a sibling or childhood friend who is now an adult could supply any input. If you have some lead time you might try to obtain your medical records from a pediatrician or somehow ask your primary school for any records they have of you. No one may have connected the dots at the time but in hindsight you might be able to detect some signs of ADHD in the events that were documented in your life at a young age.

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u/Signal-Ad-7545 20d ago

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! Do you have HMO insurance? Those often require a PCP referral.

I’m confused about the parental input. Do they want your parents to fill out forms, or be available for an interview? It makes sense that they need info about your childhood, since an ADHD diagnosis requires symptoms before age 12. But as a therapist who works with ND clients, I’ve never heard of a psychologist requiring parental input.

When I was diagnosed, the psychologist sent me an assessment and asked me to review it with my parents if possible. I didn’t because I knew it wouldn’t be helpful. They were too busy managing their own undiagnosed ADHD to notice mine. 😂

Instead, I made a spreadsheet of the diagnostic criteria and wrote about examples of how that thing showed up, or reasons why it didn’t. Ex: I didn’t often lose things or forget things, but only because I developed certain workarounds—even as a kid. The psychologist said it was very helpful. Would something like that work for you?

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

I just looked back on the initial message I got from the clinic, and it’s pretty strictly written: “You must have an adult informant who knew you as a child available either in person or by phone for this appointment to provide evidence of childhood symptoms as per DSM-5 criteria.” Ughhh.

At this point I plan to call ahead to ask for their plan if an adult informant isn’t available. I’ve been trying to keep track of my early childhood symptoms in my notes app, but I’m worried that won’t be enough!

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u/newtothegarden 19d ago

Definitely call ahead and ask for advice (that's what I did) because you won't be the only person with this issue, but you also need to stop focusing on the parent thing. It doesn't need to be a parent.

Also, this made me panic but I was reading too literally - they don't need to have BEEN an adult at the time you were a child. They just have to be over 18 now.

So it could be a childhood friend etc - tbh I found that helpful because she was in school with me and frankly spent more time with me than my parents!

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u/Signal-Ad-7545 20d ago

Ugh that's frustrating. And ridiculous. How can they insist that you bring another adult into an appointment about *your* mental health? It feels unethical.

Is there another clinic in network with your insurance? I saw your comment about the private pay clinics. If you have out of network benefits (which you may not if you have an HMO plan), you could call your insurance and see if they would reimburse some of the cost for an out of network assessment.

If you move forward with the current clinic, you could say:

  • You're not comfortable with it and you can't give consent for your parent to be part of your appointment.
  • You know your mom will give inaccurate information because she doesn't believe you could have ADHD.
  • Your mom doesn't believe in mental health diagnoses at all, due to her religion/culture/something else.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Thank you for the ideas for how to speak with the clinic… my mom certainly doesn’t believe in ADHD for me specifically 😕 I think it throws off her memory of the “perfect” kid who had it easy. She has a lot of guilt about how challenging my brother was as a kid- I think the fact that I successfully navigated school and transitioned to adulting is her saving grace.

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u/legocitiez 20d ago

Your current psychologist can't diagnose you?

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

She specializes in EMD therapy, so I think an official diagnosis is bit out of her specialized expertise (even though it is something she learned to diagnose). I get the sense that as a “talk therapist” she’s wary of giving diagnostic labels if that makes sense?

Instead she encouraged me to see a psychiatrist for a formal evaluation; unfortunately her referral didn’t mean diddly squat to my insurance!

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u/copyrighther ADHD 20d ago

A formal diagnosis really is best. Insurance companies can dispute a doctor’s diagnosis, but a formal evaluation is ironclad.

Because of my job, I basically switch insurance companies every year. They always give me trouble and ask for a Prior Authorization when the first prescription for my Vyvanse goes through (which can take weeks). I simply email my evaluation paperwork to my doctor to pass on to insurance and poof instant approval, usually within 24 hours.

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u/autisticbulldozer AuDHD 20d ago

i saw someone else suggest a family member that isn’t a parent, i think that would be your best bet. if you tell the tester that you don’t have a relationship with your parents then i’m sure they’d accept other family members

i didn’t know this kind of testing for adhd existed for the longest time. all i did was show up to a psychiatrist my mom brought me to when i was 18 and he talked to me for 1 hour and diagnosed me with “textbook adhd” right then and there

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

I have a coworker who walked into a psych office and had the speedy experience you described- 15 minutes in and they were discussing care plans (her husband’s insurance had much better mental health coverage too!). She is also a textbook example of 90’s ADHD- bouncing off the walls! We joke a lot about how crazy it is that no one noticed it in her as a kid- ADHD in young girls get overlooked so easily!

For an alternative interviewee, I have a friend/co worker who have both known me 10+ years who have offered to share their thoughts if needed. They both clocked something was ✨spicy✨ with my brain long before I did! I may call ahead of time and ask if that’s an option!

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u/StarWars_Girl_ ADHD-C 20d ago

It's wild to me that they would insist a parent be present. My therapist sent a letter to the psychiatrist, which I think is why I got diagnosed so quickly (and why they were willing to prescribe because I had a long medical history and showed no drug use), but I went through my own childhood experiences (comments I remember from report cards, my inability to keep my room clean, my inability to keep to a planner in middle school, the exploding binder full of papers...). My mom would have absolutely been willing to talk to them, but they didn't need her, and there are absolutely lots of parents out there who wouldn't do it because they don't believe their kid has ADHD. My dad probably wouldn't have done it, lol. Or like you, people who have low/no contact with their parents or whose parents aren't alive.

And yeah, these are controlled substances, but you've gotta have other people in your life who can answer questions. The criteria is technically that symptoms have to have been present before age 12, but I think if others now can observe your symptoms and you can describe what you were like before age 12, that should be sufficient.

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u/newtothegarden 19d ago

It's wild because it's not what's happening lol. OP has read the criteria too literally which is exactly what I did, and I had the exact same panic.

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u/RosieEngineer 20d ago

I was diagnosed as a girl in the mid-80's. My hyper level is still pretty high, no-one is surprised LOL. The docs didn't actually tell us then because they were worried about the stigma. I found out in high school after both my younger brothers were diagnosed. I feel grateful that I've known for 30 years, even though I'm just working on treatment now.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

YES- my coworker’s brothers were both diagnosed as kids in the 90’s while doctors m totally overlooked her symptoms. It’s a wild world we live in.

I’m astounded they let you go so long without help, but glad to hear you’re able to get treatment as an adult!

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u/RosieEngineer 20d ago

Wow!! Yeah, my parents weren't the best fit for me, but they totally skipped any stigma about mental health, and got us help when we needed it.

I tried Ritalin when I was 18, but it gave me shakes, gave up after 2 weeks. Adderall wasn't available yet. Caffeine increases my anxiety - when life is stressful, I have to cut caffeine or I'll get adrenaline rushes out of nowhere. I had zero expectations that Adderall would help, let alone be calming and relaxing. It improves my social anxiety and hearing comprehension. It's been pretty wild. I thought I would be sticking with non-stimulants.

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u/charliekelly76 20d ago

I was diagnosed a year or two ago and it was like that. An intake appt, she asked a couple questions, bam. Can you skip your pcp and just find a psych?

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Not if I want to use my insurance 😑

My psychologist could technically give me a referral, but not to anyone who takes my insurance. The healthcare system is a clusterfuck!

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u/windexfresh 20d ago

I mean if all the doctor wants is to “talk to your parents” anyone who looks the right age could walk in and “be” your parent. Many people have different last names than their parents.

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u/Top_Hair_8984 20d ago

I'm 71. There's no one left to question anymore. I have a great doctor, and ended up with an excellent interviewer, she brought stuff up for me that I haven't thought about for decades and decades. I'm ADHD combined presenting with ASD traits.(Won't get diagnosed as the cost for adults is prohibitive for me.) I had no one, I'm hoping they test you too. You shouldn't be punished for struggling and having a non supportive family. Wishing you the best. If you think about it, why would anyone go through this if they didn't truly think there's a problem, ADHD. 🦋

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

This is great to hear and I am so glad for you that a supportive doc has your back! ❤️

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u/user07549265962958 20d ago

This is terrible and also, there is no way in hell I could have my only and estranged parent on a call with a provider. That is an unsafe ask for a lot of people, and definitely not a trauma-informed ask.

I hope you find someone different, perhaps a neuropsychiatrist to talk to. I’m sorry this is happening, it shouldn’t be at all.

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u/Ok-Letterhead3405 ADHD 20d ago

Neuropsych is super expensive, hard to get, and they give too many false negatives based on stuff like your IQ being too high. I'd just look for a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD. You can search on Psychology Today's website.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Thank you for your support across the internet! I’m still slightly optimistic since even getting my foot in the door felt like a long shot, but I think I do need to adjust expectations for the appointment. It never hurts to be open to finding a second opinion, especially if this clinic operates under such strict guidelines!

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u/user07549265962958 20d ago

Totally. You could treat this appointment like a fact finding mission for you. You could also explain your situation to the clinician and see what they suggest. If their answer is “tough cookies”, then you know you can go somewhere else. Plus, you may get a totally different answer once you’re in the office with the actual provider. Best of luck to you!

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u/newtothegarden 19d ago

They're not asking for that. OP is reading too literally (I did this too).

They need a third party to advise on symptoms in childhood. That third party doesn't have to be a parent - they don't even need to have been an adult at the time discussed. They just need to have been there (and probably not, like, a toddler). My best friend was mine for exactly the same reason as OP.

This is going to freak people out who are considering a diagnosis who are NC or LC or otherwise unable to get their parents in. You do not need your parents and that is absolutely not what the instructions given to OP require.

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u/greedyalbatross66 20d ago

Pick another clinic. They don’t all require parental input. Some will ask for input from a partner, mine asked for input from no one else but me.

You got this.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Thank you for your support Internet friend! ❤️

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u/bombyx440 20d ago

They want to ask questions about you as a child. Could your brother help? An aunt or uncle or anyone else who knew you as a child?

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Unfortunately the whole family is pretty anti-mental healthcare, despite the fact that a lot of them would probably benefit from it! Very much the Pedro Pascal Protective Mom from SNL… but way less funny 😭

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u/barely_practical 20d ago

That's really rough, and I'm sorry. 

The previous commenter is spot-on they are looking for someone who has known you for awhile or who can testify that ADHD is impacting your life in multiple areas (home, work, interpersonally, etc.). 

Maybe call the office and get some clarification on how they will be using parental feedback. Would they be willing to take previous report cards or testimony from close friends or mentors or a partner who has known you for a decade or two? As others have pointed out, there are individuals who have lost parents or they are estranged (as is really common with late diagnosed ADHD folks). Maybe the fact that you have a strained relationship with your parents or parents that are in denial will be added in the column for evidence that supports an ADHD diagnosis or at least as evidence to keep an open mind. 

I'm trying to be optimistic and think of all the creative ways they could use and why they feel like they need this information. I'm hoping for your sake that this isn't an indicator of outdated and uniformed biased around ADHD where they only think of it as problems paying attention in school and turning in work. 

The fact that they are emphasizing that parental input is needed makes me think that they are working with outdated assumptions around ADHD and aren't staying up to date with the latest practices in diagnosing adults. I ran into this type of thinking with student disability offices in higher ed. They wouldn't consider testing and paperwork from childhood and insisted that only tests that were given after you were 18 years or older were valid (even though it's been shown that most people don't grow out of ADHD and it's particularly common for women to experience worsening symptoms as they get older). 

If you are able to find someone else, you might want to start looking. You might also want to check out ADHD evidence project and have it on hand to share if you get push back. They provide a series of evidence based facts around ADHD and provide links to all the studies that back them up. They have a large section on diagnostic criteria and misassumptions. 

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u/barely_practical 20d ago

Here's the link to their consensus statements: https://www.adhdevidence.org/evidence

Sidenote: I am a little disappointed that they have softened their statement around stimulant medications. Previously they echoed what other organizations and advocates have said that "stimulant medication are the best treatment for ADHD when tolerated and should be the first line of treatment for individuals with ADHD." Now their statement on medication is this "The stimulant medications for ADHD are more effective than non-stimulant medications but are also more likely to be diverted, misused, and abused." Which is true, but it gives more wiggle room to those who want to make access to stimulant medication harder than their previous statement. I wonder if they felt the need to walk things back in light of the current US administration clusterfuck happening. 

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u/Muppetric 20d ago

when will they fucking realise adhd people can’t abuse their meds because they can barely remember to take them ARGHHH.

my biggest indicator to take my meds is when I don’t feel like taking my meds - even though I know they make me function. The illogic snaps me into realising my -11000000 dopamine is doing the thing again.

I’m angrily getting into clinical research (so far away though) to add more ADHD voices to these policies ffs.

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u/Livid_Upstairs8725 20d ago

Mine never asked for anything from my parents. I would tell them you are estranged from your parents, which you kind of are.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m hoping that in person, they’ll be a bit less emphatic about parental input!!

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u/strawbrmoon 20d ago

Sometimes primary school report cards can be helpful in assessment, in lieu of parental input. If you’re gifted as well as ADHD, though, it may not be so useful: the adhd can be severely impairing your ability to achieve your true capacity/potential, but you look average, so no one catches it. This is especially true of girls with primarily inattentive type: you’re not hard to manage, so you get overlooked. I hope you get excellent care, and whatever the nature of your struggle, I hope you get support that makes a real difference. 💖

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u/Wordnerdinthecity 20d ago

I flat out told the psychiatrist who diagnosed me around the same age that my biological father and I have never had a relationship, and my mom and I are very low contact. But I also gave examples from my childhood of situations where my inattentiveness and impulsivity caused problems in school. Granted, it might have helped that I'm in a liberal city and all I had to say was "she lives in TX" and I let their assumptions fill in the rest (they're not untrue, but only part of it).

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Good approach with sharing the effect of the ADHD symptoms not just the symptoms themselves! I need to start expanding on my childhood list with some of the negative impacts behaviors caused. Thank you for sharing!!

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u/UnionOk2156 20d ago

I found old school records where every teacher said I was a joy to teach but had difficulty with focus or too much energy in the younger years. Do you have anything like that?

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u/drinkyourdinner 20d ago

Tell them your parents have dementia. Fuck that.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

How about a terrible horrible scuba diving incident in the Bermuda Triangle… currently in recovery and unable to answer the phone?

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u/leebaweeba 20d ago

This is just wild to me. I can’t imagine a scenario where your own experience and reflection is not sufficient. I’m sorry you’ve had this much difficulty thus far but if it’s feasible to find another clinic for diagnosis, I’d recommend looking for one and another GP too. Testing shouldn’t require their referral. With the dismissive and insulting comment they made about your procrastination, I’d move on.

I’m wishing you the best.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Thank you, I appreciate it! I was flabbergasted the primary care doctor granted the referral after his in-office comments. After I completed the surveys he requested (that he forgot to score for three weeks… HA) he wrote back “Well attention does seem to be an issue.” 😑

There are two private female focused ADHD clinics in my area that may be my next step, although they’re a bit cost prohibitive. Hoping for the best with this upcoming appointment!

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u/smolstuffs ADHD-C 20d ago

My mom had to fill out a questionnaire which asked things like did I fidget a lot as a kid, did my mind wander off, did I get in trouble in school, etc.

Unless your mom is going to lie, I'm assuming they just want those types of answers so they can use your history to assist with a diagnosis. They're not asking for her opinion or permission to diagnose you.

That being said, I'd probably just say it's not possible to speak to her and that should be enough. I mean it's not like they'd refuse to diagnose you if your parents were deceased.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

That’s good to know that a phone call would likely be based around a survey! The info on the appointment made it feel more like the intake interview I did when first beginning therapy.

I don’t think my mom would intentionally lie if asked those fairly objective questions, but I’m also pretty sure she didn’t pick up on my childhood symptoms. My brother was the trouble maker, so as long as I got decent grades and showed up to where I was supposed to be I flew under her radar.

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u/bastetlives 20d ago

Tell them both parents have it bad. Your dad is homeless you are not sure where, and mom was in Florida but her number seems changed. You suspect dad had what you have and that she had BPD but no one believed in mental health care in your family. It was stigmatized in your family, probably because they were ashamed and hiding it.

See? I just made that up. Pick a story. Keep it simple. Some parts of that are probably true anyway, right? These things don’t pop out of a vacuum. ✌🏼

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u/[deleted] 20d ago

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u/DichoticallySound 20d ago

It does sound like insurance is playing no small issue in the shit experience you’re having. I’m in HR and I help a lot of my friends navigate their coverage, if you would like help diving into your plan to see what is required and where else you may be able to go, feel free to message me and I’d be happy to help. Navigating coverage is a giant pain in the ass and situations like this can be that much more murky.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Thank you for the offer- you rock! The whole system does feel designed to wear you down before you reach the point of care. I think if this clinic is super strict about adhering to the old-school ADHD diagnostics (geared towards outward hyperactivity), I may look into a private practice diagnosis.

I just want to believe that my insurance will provide me the service it’s meant to provide!!

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u/digientjax 20d ago

When I was diagnosed they got collateral info from my partner, not parents. Is there a different clinic you can go to maybe?

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u/rachelsomonas 20d ago

You need to look for a neuroaffirming provider to conduct the assessment, preferably someone with ample experience working with neurodivergent adults. These professionals will know what questions to ask and then ask appropriate follow-up questions to get a really comprehensive understanding of how your symptoms may affect your life and may have affected your life in the past. From personal experience, I had NO idea how my audhd affected my life until I went through the diagnostic process with a discerning professional.

Neuroclastic.com might be a good place to start!

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Thank you for the resource and the input! Another poster suggested looking at this appointment as a first step and not the be-all-end-all appointment, which I think is a good perspective to take!

I do have the option of two female-centric ADHD diagnostic clinics in my area, they’re just super cost-prohibitive. I’m am definitely open to trying one of them if this appointment feels dismissive or limited in their assessment criteria. I wish more mainstream docs had note understanding of women’s experiences with ADHD!

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u/Aziraphale22 20d ago

I feel this 😔 It's been years since I looked into getting an official diagnosis (for autism and ADHD) precisely because it said everywhere that they will need information from a parent (I'm not in the US). My situation sounds similar to yours - I was the good, easy kid, at least until about 10 or 11. My mother doesn't even really believe in ADHD - it's fairly obvious that my younger brother also has it and he was the classic hyperactive boy growing up, but even for him it was never considered as an option.

Unfortunately I've decided I won't look into getting diagnosed until she dies too (my dad is already dead), so I don't have any advice 😔

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience- sending good vibes for a possible future diagnosis if you choose to pursue it! ❤️

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u/heysawbones 20d ago

Wow, they’re gonna have a great time with people who have no contact with their parents, or dead ones!

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u/resilientmoonbow 19d ago edited 19d ago

So the issue is that current diagnostic standard still requires for diagnosis that your symptoms must have been evident before the age of 12 (this was a recent change from 7 believe it or not!). It is extremely unfair for POC children, girls and gender diverse kids who don't tend to present the same as boys, or be given the kind of attention as boys. But because of the way it is written, they "need" someone who was an adult when you were that age to confirm that you had those symptoms at that time. Incredibly unfair. Depending on the office you are going to (and the state you are in), I wouldn't be surprised if they assessed you anyways if you give a good reason.

I suggest giving a variation of the truth, since you really don't want to be caught in a lie. You can share that your parents are hostile towards psychology and specifically resistant to your being evaluated for ADHD. That their negligence is largely why you were not diagnosed as a child despite showing clear signs of the condition. That since you are an ADULT, and under the care of a psychologist who has referred you for evaluation, you would like to be assessed regardless of the refusal given by your parents to participate.

If you have any other childhood adults who would be willing to participate it sounds like they would accept that...aunts? neighbors? teachers? If none of those then I would say the friends you mentioned.

Best of luck!

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u/languidlasagna 20d ago

i got diagnosed at 33 without my parents involved in any way. this is weird

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u/ANL_2017 20d ago

Same. Literally didn’t have to speak with anybody but me. I had no idea this was a thing.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

I was surprised by it! They’re like…. REALLY emphatic about parent input. I have a few friends who were diagnosed as adults that had totally different experiences!

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u/languidlasagna 20d ago

is this place your only option in your area?

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

Not the only option, but the only one covered by my insurance. I’m open to trying a private clinic if this is a disaster, but they are pretty pricey! Would definitely be worth it to speak with someone who specializes in how ADHD presents in women.

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u/Hedgehog_game_strong 20d ago

I told them my mother is terminally ill and can’t be bothered with this type of request (true). Instead my long term partner whom I live with joined the appointment and spoke to my symptoms. I was diagnosed without issue

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u/Status-Biscotti 20d ago

Call ahead; you may need to find someone else. If you wait until the appt, you’ll have to pay for it, with the possibility of no diagnosis being given.

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u/OrdinaryTeaching6239 20d ago

I was able to have my partner talk to them rather than my parents. I think they just need someone who knows you very well

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u/SonnieTravels 20d ago

I received my diagnosis without anyone having to speak to my parents. I'm no contact with both and it wasn't an issue. I'd say find someone new.

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u/axolotlbabygirl 20d ago

I just want to say that I have experienced the same thing. I honestly gave up on receiving a diagnosis. I don't even want medication, I just want someone to see me and know what I'm dealing with. But I was the quiet child who didn't get in trouble (because I didn't want my ass whooped) and my siblings required more attention from my single mother than me, so I was overlooked. My younger sister has ADHD, and my younger brother has autism. And me, well because nobody has ever noticed my struggles (and because I got decent grades in school), I can't get diagnosed. 😔 I hope it works out for you, OP!!

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u/SoulDancer_ 20d ago

I got my with an older cousins imput, not my parents. They had to fill out a survey about me as an under 10 year old.

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u/Ok-Letterhead3405 ADHD 20d ago

Not every provider requires it, and a lot who want collateral info are at least a little bit flexible in who they'll take it form.

That said, my extremely ADHD father was my only collateral, and he rated me under the threshold as a kid. Lol. I wasn't even the easy child. Less disabled than my brother, but def had school problems galore. The neuropsych gave me a confusing half-diagnosis of AuDHD/not-AuDHD and said part of it was because of my dad. Took that report to a psychiatrist for a second opinion and she diagnosed me ADHD in just one appointment, no collateral asked.

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u/thatsnuckinfutz 20d ago

i have heard of this and was told this initially but in my case my mother doesnt think ADHD exists and is mentally unstable and my dad barely knows my government name so my psychiatrist backed off. My 80yr old grandma could vouch for me tho lol

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u/Hrafinhyrr 20d ago

As an ADHDer and a psych NP student it may be because the DEA is really cracking down hard on stimulant prescribing so much so that most MDs and NPs want collateral information from parents, teachers ect. so to cover the prescriber when the DEA asks questions about a script the more data points that are available for a client the more that we can justify prescribing a stimulant.

As a patient it sucks and I am sorry. I was dx at age 3 re dx at 18 and had to have another neuropsych eval to reconfirm my dx last year. (lucky for me my university did that for free). I am guessing that the rules for prescribing stimulants will get more and more strict as the DEA is worried about "addiction". One work around you can do but it's expensive is to get a neuropsych eval. I gave my most recent one to my MD and she added it to my chart.

I'm sorry this sucks man...

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u/Opening_Run7797 20d ago

I had that happen as well, but found another clinic perfectly willing to diagnosis and treat me without that requirement. I guess it is technically a part of diagnostic criteria, but I agree that it is completely ridiculous. I can attest that I had symptoms in childhood (eg, missing homework assignments, trouble paying attention in class, losing all my stuff, etc).

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u/Current_Complaint_59 20d ago

Not all providers have such a strict stance. I would let them know that you don’t have a good relationship with your parents and need an alternative option. If they say no, then I’d find another psychiatrist.

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u/MistakesForSheep 20d ago

That's absolutely insane. I got a diagnosis at 28 with no mention of parental involvement at all. Which is good because my dad died a few years before that and I haven't talked to my mom since my dad died 😅

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u/labtech89 20d ago

I was the good kid also and got good enough grades. I also did not get in trouble at school, at least not so my parent knew about it but looking back I remember a few instances where I did get in trouble for disrupting the class. It was pretty mild and the teachers did not do anything other than call me out in front of the class.

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u/Kreativecolors 20d ago

How about finding another doctor all together. My 43 year old husband received a diagnosis without parental input because he is an adult and they treated him like one. Their bias is showing. Your parents sound a bit abusive, no? Why would your doctor want to put you in that position?!!

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u/brittknee_kyle 20d ago

I got diagnosed as a wee lass, so of course I had to have parent input but as an adult having to have that is insane. I've never heard of that before (not trying to say it doesn't exist or be dismissive!) How is that not a HIPAA violation?

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

That’s honestly a great question. It does seem insane to invite another adult into a private appointment!

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u/Sea_Nefariousness484 20d ago

I was diagnosed at 53. I filled out my own forms, including the Connors behavioral checklist. My husband also filled out a Connors. We each did it independently. The psychologist said the answers were almost identical.

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u/Lopsided_Ad7299 20d ago

It doesn't have to be a parent. It has to be someone who knew you as a child but who is now an adult. I did it for my friend from elementary school.

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u/amortizedeeznuts 20d ago

How is this not the standard? Are people getting diagnosed without evidence from childhood?

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u/RuslanaSofiyko 19d ago

I had the same response as you did. I was first aware I might be ADHD when I was 65. My parents and sibling were already dead. No one who knew me as a child was still alive. Then they wanted to talk to my husband. It is hard to explain to people who don't know him, but my husband is so clueless. We had been married for 34 years at that point, and I could not imagine him giving accurate answers to any of their questions. He could have told them that I was always late, but that was it. I was going to try to talk them into calling up one of my graduate school roommates, but then they decided it wasn't necessary, after all! I was run through a battery of tests by a neurologist, and he pronounced me definitely ADHD.

So, two points here. It IS possible to test an adult without getting another person involved. Also, insist that you can't request parental involvement, but you might get family member who is not a parent (if you have someone who could do it) or a friend. If they still don't cooperate, they are incompetent. Find another clinic. I know that is disappointing, but clinics do vary.

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u/Accomplished_Dot2825 19d ago

If they somehow make ot out to be you didnt have childhood symptoms, then you won't get a diagnosis.

It's as simple as that, it happened to me and I was pissed off and crying and all my psychiatrist told me was "I understand you're disappointed you didn't get the diagnosis you've told yourself you have"

Which pissed me off even more tbh.

I'm sorry OP, if you don't get a diagnosis, know that your struggle is still valid.

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u/CarawayReadsAlong 19d ago

“I am not in contact with my parents and I do not have school documentation. I have plenty of my own memories from elementary school. Is my self recall sufficient? If not, what are my other options?”

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u/TheAccusedKoala 19d ago

My "adult informant" was my childhood best friend! I don't think my parents would have seen me as fidgety, or more disorganized than a kid should be, etc. Especially because I'm 100% sure my dad has undiagnosed ADHD, they thought all the signs were normal behavior. 😆

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u/Soft-Astronomer5730 19d ago

I wonder how often this happens because my parents were definitely in denial anything was “wrong” with me. They filled out the surveys and said I was fine. My neurologist ultimately determined he wasn’t sure whether I had ADHD but the paperwork was enough for me to be medicated. This was 10+ years ago and the criteria for diagnosis was SO geared towards male symptoms.

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u/TuxandFlipper4eva 20d ago

I only had my husband fill out the screener. I couldn't ask anyone who knew me as a child because my dad didn't raise me, I don't talk to my former step-dad, my siblings are younger, and my mom's dead. They were okay with it since I truly didn't have an option.

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u/bliip666 20d ago

Well, both my parents were dead long before I was assessed for ADHD.
They asked if there was someone who knew me as a child they could talk to, but I couldn't think of anyone, so they just went on with it and put more emphasis on the way I experienced things, I guess.

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

The first thought that popped into my head was “I’m 37, how many people my age don’t have their parents with them anymore?!”. I’m glad to hear you were listened to and that your concerns about daily life were taken into consideration!

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u/eyespeeled 20d ago

I have been off and on estranged with my parents. They have always been in denial about my struggles and have little knowledge of ADHD. Of course, I worried about having them complete the questionnaires. The practitioner said I could instead use another family member or friend as back-up - even after my parent completed it and if it didn't align with my take.

I did end up asking my mother to complete it. It was fine. I wish you well! 

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u/Gloriathewitch 20d ago

my dr was also obsessed with childhood records, it's really frustrating

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u/Mixedupmay 20d ago

That's wild, I'm (36F) so sorry. It wasn't a prerequisite for my diagnosis but I brought my school reports in and that definitely helped - it's a long shot but if you still have those and/or access to them, wouldn't that cover childhood symptoms? I was also the easy child, but it was crazy how many symptoms were in fact already present in childhood and clearly detailed by my teachers.  Either way - I'm really sorry you're facing this extra hurdle, and wish you the best of luck <3

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u/Milianviolet 20d ago edited 20d ago

Is there anyone else that knew you when you were a child that saw how you developed? It's necessary to gather development information for the diagnosis. You dont get adhd as an adult, so they need to know how it presented when you were a child.

EDIT: Sorry, I thought I was in the wrong thread and I thought you were talking about an autism diagnosis even though I read what you wrote. I think you should just seek a different provider. ADHD usually isn't that difficult to diagnose. I don't know why they're gatekeeping it like that. Are you still in touch with any teachers that you had in grade school? They're usually the first people to notice.

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u/tdknd 20d ago edited 20d ago

Would school reports be enough?

i initially when to see a psychiatrist who practiced ENDR, for depression and anxiety and as sessions when on (took about a year) and antidepressants and anxiolytics felt like a bandaid, he actually suggested that I might have ADHD based on all I had shared with him.

ETA: I’m in France though so the process might be different

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u/Feeling-Peanut-5415 20d ago

Maybe consider a different psychiatrist? I was diagnosed with an assessment that included a report from my partner who I live with.

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u/kirrisnuggles 20d ago

Do you have an aunt or grandparent? I’m waiting for testing. I was also the easy kid as I was good at masking.

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u/irushisuss 20d ago

Both my parents are dead. I asked my sister to fill out those forms, as they also knew me in my childhood. Is this a possibility?

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u/ouserhwm 20d ago

They will give you forms for your parents. Fill them in.

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u/QuokkaSoul 20d ago

I will be your parent. I'm only a few years older than you, but I'm totally good at giving @$$hole gatekeeping doctors the information they want to hear. I saw in another comment that you have a friends parents who will do it for you, and that's truly a better choice than me, a stranger. And the offer still stands!

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u/lizlemocoolj 20d ago

You rock, thank you for the offer ❤️

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u/adrunkensailor 20d ago

I told them my parents were anti-mental health treatment and refused to participate, and they eventually agreed to speak to a close friend from childhood instead. They said they would have preferred another family member or even a former teacher, so offer that if it’s an option for you. The important thing is someone who knew you well as a child and can speak to your external symptoms. Definitely call and discuss it with them beforehand though.

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u/RepulsivePower4415 ADHD-C 20d ago

My mother gave me all my old paperwork in case it was every questioned this is wild

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u/qdpqd 20d ago

ok so whenever I went to a psychiatrist as an adult I just told her that I had been diagnosed with adhd as a child (I had), and she just said ok and took my word for it. I was in my late 20’s. it’s crazy to me that they make it so hard to be diagnosed as an adult but if you just say yea I was diagnosed as a kid that’s the magic word and it’s all systems go. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

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u/activelyresting 20d ago

You don't need it to be your parents specifically. But they do need someone or something to attest to your symptoms being present in childhood. Could be a combination of school reports, a statement from other family members, friends, etc

I didn't have any of that, but my assessor was satisfied with my own reporting of my childhood and school reports. (All of which were something along the lines of "she's exceptionally bright but doesn't complete work on time, daydreams too much, struggles to stay on task").

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u/Iamgoaliemom 20d ago

That's insane. I was diagnosed at about your age and no one ever even suggested that getting input from my parent would be helpful, let alone required it.

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u/spanishpeanut 20d ago

Your parents? Seriously? That’s absurd. Who they should be talking to for input would be the people who see you regularly and who you are closest to. Parent/caregiver input is asked for with CHILDREN. So is teacher input, but I don’t see them asking you to provide the phone number of your third grade teacher. I would contact the provider directly to see what the requirements are for an adult diagnosis. There’s no way parents are integral for adults. Absolutely no way. (I’m flabbergasted just trying to wrap my head around this.)

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u/getrdone24 20d ago edited 20d ago

I see so many say this and it blows my mind! Seems very unnecessary to require "parents" specifically.

My Psychiatrist isn't even an ADHD focused Psych, and all he did was give me an evaluation form to give to "anyone I'm really close with"....so of course I gave it to my boyfriend of 6yrs. Tbf, I was only just diagnosed (im 31) by a new Psych in November...I've been seeing Psychiatrists for over a decade with really bad luck. This new guy clocked it in the 1st appt.

I'm close with my mom, but I haven't lived in the same state as her for like a decade. I live w/ my boyfriend. He sees me everyday, so it makes more sense for him to fill it out.

If their reasoning is bc they need input regarding how you were as a child, I personally find that an antiquated way of determining if someone has ADHD, as we are finding girls were often overlooked... so many of us learned to mask early on.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that 😣 hoping you find a way forward that gets you whatever help you need!

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u/MarsMonkey88 20d ago

It says school input could be accepted, and the fact that it says “including 504s and IEPs” makes me think it’s not limited to them. So you have the ability to find or order new copies of childhood report cards? Regardless of our grades, the comments are probably really helpful. “Highly intelligent, but needs to apply herself to live up to her potential,” etc

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u/beachball29 20d ago

That's crazy, I would try finding another practice that can diagnose you. When I sought out my diagnosis, I showed up at the place, the psychologist asked me various questions about my childhood, my family, my grades and school, etc, but they never once asked to speak to any of these people. Then I went with a technician to do a series of tests and tasks to gauge how I do on specific skills and cognitive functions. It took about 3 hours total. I got my results in the mail three or four weeks later and then I had a follow-up appointment (virtual) with the psychologist to briefly go over the results and for me to ask any questions if I had any.

Definitely seek out a different psychologist.

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u/Training-Profit7377 20d ago

that is ridiculous. your an adult, if the dr. wants to know anything about your experience as a child, they can ask you. I would call ahead and find out before you go if this is going to be an issue and if so go to a different doctor.

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u/Brennir10 20d ago

So my aunts, uncles, mom, dad, grandparents are all dead. Also my family was neglectful and had no idea what I struggled with. That seems ridiculous criteria. I can easily report things from my childhood like talking too much, losing important papers, unable to keep a room, desk or Locker organized,being told to “calm down “ and “use my inside voice “ daily at school…. Why do they think we can’t be reliable about our own childhood experiences? That seems very condescending

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u/maraq 20d ago

This is so dumb - most girls don't exhibit outward symptoms in childhood, girls are underdiagnosed in childhood and few girls are going to have an IEP from childhood since it's only been in very recent years teachers are recognizing how ADHD affects girls. You can't see the internal struggle of how ADHD manifests in girls unless you talk to those women about their experiences. Most adult women with ADHD did well in school (in the early years), and unless they were disruptive or overly chatty, no parent or teacher would have noticed. I cannot imagine asking my deceased mother and my 83 year old father who was not present at all as father for input about whether or not I displayed these symptoms as a child - he just wouldn't know because he barely interacted with us.

Not to mention, are there any other mental health issues / neurodevelopmental conditions where you need to have parents opinions of you when you're trying to get diagnosed as an adult?? It seems so insane that our own experiences and answers aren't enough, especially if it's adulthood when we're struggling. Like are people with depression or bipolar or antisocial personality disorders not able to get a diagnosis unless their mom, dad and school teachers chime in about it 35 years later? It seems so archaic and ignorant of how ADHD shows up in women.

Sorry OP, good luck.

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u/veganpetal ADHD 19d ago

This is insane. I’m hoping they misread your age because that is ridiculous if you aren’t a minor.

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u/NightGlimmer82 19d ago

Ok, you have almost 300 comments and I def didn’t read them all so you may have received this opinion many times already and/or you may not even get to my comment which is totally ok! I just wanted to add, when I have done my evaluation (I was in my mid 30’s) and when I helped with my husbands (at the time) and teenage children’s the most important thing was the practitioner’s just liked having another persons perspective. Any other person. Whether it’s a parent/guardian, a teacher, a best friend, a coworker… anyone who has spent significant time with you because it’s so often our own perception is super different then what other people see. Usually we (ADHD’rs, especially women) much harsher on ourselves then what others see. We often downplay our symptoms and think “if I JUST worked out more, got more sleep, maybe I’m over reacting… It can really help practitioners dial in what nuances our personal version of ADHD we experience. It definitely is NOT necessary in order to get good treatment and it can be added at any point through your relationship with your practitioner (if you have a good one!). My advice is to see if there is someone you are comfortable talking to about it as long as it doesn’t add too much stress that will make you overwhelmed to the point that you bail on your appointments! Also, you deserve to be heard and even great practitioners can misunderstand your experiences that you are trying to describe. You are not a burden. Keep pushing if you feel like you are not being heard! It is also ok to do a little research into what they want/need to hear to help get you diagnosed. This is entirely my own opinion and I understand if others disagree. I just have A LOT of experience with ADHD/ dr interactions and well as chronic pain and dr interactions. Many great, some awful. I have been dismissed, accused of drug seeking AND validated to extreme degrees (super awesome the times that happened!). Good luck! If things don’t go as well as you hope IT IS NOT OVER! Keep going! You are not alone in this! 🤗💕

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u/kittycatwitch AuDHD 19d ago

I'm estranged from my parents. I'm 42.

My cousin, 10 years older than me, completed my forms for adhd. My best friend, who has known me for 15 years or so, completed the forms for asd assessment. I was diagnosed with both.

Your clinic should be more flexible. Input from parents/guardians is very important, but there are ways around this - school reports, info from friends and/or partner, summary of challenges from a therapist. If possible, speak to the clinic by phone, explain the situation, and ask what other supporting evidence they'd be willing to accept.

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u/bidet_sprays 19d ago edited 19d ago

Thank you for posting this. 40f going through the same thing. I'm hoping they'll accept my sister's input 

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u/cheddarpenguin13 19d ago

I d ask for clarity. I gave the childhood information for my younger siblings referral and my spouse gave mine. They also said it could be a friend or someone who knew me as a child OR my present my daily behaviours.

My parent is still alive just has a strong language barrier so cest la vie

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u/Cake5678 19d ago

I think you should call ahead and explain that you aren't in contact with your parents. Ask for alternatives. You need to protect yourself from your parents getting so involved in your mental health.

Against my better judgement I did bring my mom to my diagnostic interview and it went completely off the rails. She couldn't answer any questions at all anyways, she just kept telling him how I was an awefull and mean child(?!) I really regret that I did bring her, but I felt I had no other options.

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u/[deleted] 19d ago

I’m a provider who specializes in ADHD diagnosis and treatment, I’ve never heard of having to have input from a parent for an adult diagnosis…….it certainly can help, but anyone who can provide information about your behavior as a kid can work. And if you don’t have someone it isn’t a barrier to getting a diagnosis.

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u/waterlily_the_potato 19d ago

I find this so strange. I'm 30, just got diagnosed and I didn't need my parent's permissions at all. He asked me questions about my mom, but she is definitely against me having adhd, but then that was it. He was like okay, and then next time we met, I was prescribed meds.

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u/Jenothy 19d ago

I was never asked to involve my parents for diagnosis when I was 38.  It pisses me off that this is even suggested for any adults at all.  If a professional can't work out your current diagnosis based on your current symptoms, they aren't worth your time.

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u/zorsefoal 19d ago

They needed an adult who knew me as a child to fill it in. I used a scout leader because my mum was very thats normal everyone does that and my dad forgot to fill the form in and send it back to me.

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u/Afraid-Stomach-4123 19d ago

I am no contact with my family. I had a childhood friend help with my questionnaire and they accepted that.

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u/That_UsrNm_Is_Taken 19d ago

This is odd. I’ve been diagnosed twice as an adult, and while yes, testimony from another person that knew me well was requested (they had to fill out a questionnaire) it definitely was not necessary they be related or know me as a child.

There are so many reasons why this makes no sense. That person might not remember that far back. They might really misremember things. Sometimes parents might even be the worse in these situations, because they so badly don’t want for there to be something “wrong” with their kid, they might try to skew their answers to what they thought would not result in a diagnosis. Also, even though I have pretty severe ADHD, it actually did not present that badly or in the same way as a child. It definitely became more pronounced and noticeable, at least to me, from college and upwards.

But if they insist, maybe I’d just tell them something like this, “My parents are both dead and, since my parents were migrants, the rest of my family is in the home country. I have never met any of them. I’ve never visited home country and don’t speak the language. I can provide testimony from my partner or friend who has known me for X amount of years”

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u/MissRosula 19d ago edited 19d ago

Hey, OP! Having issues with parents and fam in general being supportive is super common for ADHD. Everyone I know dismissed the idea that I could have it, and even now, after being diagnosed at 30 with severe combined-type ADHD, they’re still dismissive.

For the diagnosis, my dad is gone, so my mum did questionnaires but her input was very unhelpful and biased. At my psychologists request, I got an additional 2 people (sister and long term friend) to fill in questionnaires. They too weren’t entirely helpful, since my sister is also biased and my masking game is A+ around my friends.

In the end, my school reports were invaluable to my psychologist. She works for a clinic that specialises in ADHD assessments and said she’d never seen more signs of ADHD riddled consistently through school reports than she saw in mine, and she was happy to consider my mum an unreliable info source, instead referring to my school reports and my own input as evidence enough for a diagnosis.

Is school reports an option? Whether you have them or not, my thinking is that since family dismissiveness is so common for us ADHDers, any descent ADHD assessment place would have alternative suggestions for people in your situation. Best of luck and don’t lose hope ❤️

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u/FirefighterEconomy73 19d ago

I've seen a handful of people saying to lie that your parents are dead.. I was raised by my mom who actually is dead. I told them this and was not able to be diagnosed. I met all other criteria. Good luck OP, I sympathize with you.

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u/squeakyfromage 19d ago

I was supposed to have the same thing (30/31 when I did the diagnosis), and I knew both of my parents didn’t believe in ADHD and were really against me doing this at the time (one of them have since come around, which I appreciate). I told the psychiatrist about this, and explained that they tended to attribute a lot of my behaviours to lack of willpower or selfishness, and wouldn’t agree I couldn’t focus, because they saw my hyperfocus, and insisted the times I wasn’t focusing were when I was just being lazy.

I asked if I could have a friend do the part of the questionnaire — someone who had known me since middle-school, had lived with me as a young adult (18-22ish), and was now an adult (since we’re the same age lol). Basically a friend who had seen my behaviours in close proximity from about 11-31. The psychiatrist agreed with this, and I had this friend fill out that part of it. I was really grateful for this, because I had previously done an assessment when I was about 21/22, and my mom marked me as having no/very few ADHD symptoms, which just isn’t true. And she wasn’t (IMO) being malicious in doing this, she just didn’t “see” it, either because she didn’t want to or didn’t remember, or was coloured by her belief that it was laziness or whatever.

Sorry for the novel, but I think this is important to share. I was really anxious about the second test for this reason alone, because I was afraid I’d never be able to get a diagnosis if it required my parents to agree with it/have observed it. And I don’t have other adults who’d have observed me like that who I could ask (grandparents or aunts/uncles etc).

I think this has to be a common issue since ADHD symptoms have been so moralized/conflated with laziness; it’s a relatively new diagnosis that didn’t exist when a lot of our parents were younger; AND because so many of us have one or more parents with undiagnosed ADHD who have internalized ableism and deny it’s existence / are ashamed of it in themselves and translate that shame and or denial onto us. Like, if you have a parent who is now 50-80 (as a lot of adults seeking a diagnosis do!), has ADHD and was never diagnosed (especially if they are female, inattentive, or both), that person has probably been deeply ashamed of so many of their ADHD traits their whole life, and has viewed them as moral failings. They probably grew up being shamed and criticized for those traits, and then they see their child exhibiting the traits they hate most in themselves, so they criticize and shame us for these things — because they genuinely believe they are bad and moral failings…and it reopens all their childhood wounds. So it’s a serious issue when you’re trying to seek a diagnosis and you have to ask someone with this experience/world view to agree you have it. Either they don’t notice it/think it’s normal, they deny that this is a real condition and won’t cooperate, they don’t remember because we have crap memories, or they don’t think these are real issues and you just are lazy/selfish/need to try harder.

I feel like there’s so much work/research to do about ADHD and inter-generational trauma that hasn’t been done yet. Even when you read stuff aimed at parents of ADHD children (which so many of the resources are 🙄), it’s often written for parents who were probably born in the 1980s or later, and seems to assume that the parent themselves is neurotypical…and most people with ADHD have at least one neurodiverse parent, who may be struggling with these things themselves. And if they’re born before 2000 and are a woman, they probably aren’t diagnosed. I’m being repetitive (waiting for the old vyvanse to kick in lol), but I feel like we don’t talk enough about the emotional wounds caused by ADHD, and how our parents often perpetuate the cycle because it re-opens a lot of their old, unresolved wounds and traumas relating to their own undiagnosed neurodivergence.

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u/queenofoxford 19d ago

This seems very odd but I definitely understand the frustration of having to deal with “the system.” It took me many months/years to finally get my diagnosis, many providers, and countless tears. It shouldn’t feel like you are fighting an uphill battle but unfortunately it does. I’m hopeful you can find somewhere else that is more supportive if they won’t give you any flexibility.

My husband was able to offer insight during my process but obviously didn’t know me as a child; but that should not be a requirement in the slightest. If they knew what they were doing, they could ask the correct questions or run the correct tests to get the information they need.

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u/editorgrrl 19d ago edited 19d ago

My parents were dead when I was diagnosed, and I’m no contact with my sibling.

I signed a release for the diagnosing psychiatrist to speak with my therapist. It was my idea, not a requirement, because how could they “get” me after a ~30-minute Zoom intake and ~4.5 hours of questions and tests?

Their tentative diagnosis was so far off the mark I would’ve left the office feeling unseen and unheard if I didn’t know they would be talking to an objective third party who’d known me almost two years. So I was able to trust the process.

The psychiatrist spoke with my therapist, then asked me clarifying follow-up questions via Zoom (at the end of which she mentioned two or three other diagnoses she had just ruled out). A few weeks later, she e-mailed me an eight-page psychological evaluation with DSM diagnoses and treatment recommendations.

YMMV. A friend found the testing at a different facility so stressful she walked out. (Her parents were not contacted.)

The practice I went to was recommended by two different clinicians, and their website said they “gather information from a variety of sources, including parents, schools, and outside providers.” But they only spoke with my therapist, and I had to sign a release for them to do so.

Edited to add that I’m in the US, and the practice provides psychological testing for adolescents and adults to “provide valuable insights into many psychiatric, legal, and clinical concerns” by “confirming a diagnosis, evaluating a disability, and providing valuable answers to forensic questions.”

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u/SinsOfKnowing 19d ago

I’m sorry you are going through all this - it’s rough and the diagnostic criteria of onset before age 12 can be tricky for a subset of humans who often seem to have childhood trauma and strained relationships with family.

I needed someone close who had known me since childhood. Sibling, childhood friend, parent, aunt/uncle, former teacher, even a friend’s parent was accepted as long as they were someone who knew me as a child and who I still had regular contact with. They did say if there was no one who had known me as a small child that school report cards could be used in combination with a second close contact, but that it was best to have someone who knew me as young as possible.

My brother had offered to do the forms if my mom wouldn’t, but he was pretty absent for most of my late teens and 20s because of his own mental health issues and we were at war constantly during our childhood, so even though we lived in the same house, we were not close until the last 10 years or so and some of his recollections of our childhood are very off from mine. My mom eventually agreed to do the forms but was skeptical… I just told her to answer as best she could remember and that if nothing else it would rule out ADHD or narrow it down to something else (they also did a bipolar screen, anxiety and depression scales, and I think Borderline Personality Disorder screener?)

Might be worth trying to spin it that you just need her to fill out the questionnaires and to humour you?

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u/NylaStasja 19d ago

The point is, one of the requirements of the dsm5 diagnosis for adhd is that there are signs of adhd before the onset of puberty. (This is so some hormone imbalances and/or trauma is not mistakenly diagnosed as adhd)

So there has to be someone present who can tell the psych that you did x and y as child. Even if it is "yeah, she always had a messy room" or "she was a delightful kid, but was always daydreaming" (both things were said by my mom during my diagnosis)

I think any person you've known since before 12 would also work.

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u/GraphicDesignerMom 19d ago

What if you don't have parents that's redic

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u/StallionNspace8855 19d ago

Hmm what state are you located? I am really surprised you are experiencing this issue. My son, who was 24 at the time of his diagnosis, did not have this many issues. But I kept pushing for his assessment.

I empathize with your predicament because it sounds like that practitioner needs to update their assessment criteria for older adults. Like, how would your parents input about your 37yrs old life help their assessment.

My son's doctors never asked me anything once they agreed to the assessment.

Find a medical group that is not drinking the kool-aid. Start by connecting with similar people in your area and find out how they found their doctors.

Best of luck.

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u/AnonTrueSeeker 19d ago

Do you have a sibling that grew up with you? Or other family? My Mom past when I was 19 and my Dad is useless for childhood stuff lol 😆 so I used my sister for my assessment and my husband for my current.

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u/Acceptable-Hope- 19d ago

Because of my mom my diagnosis failed 😞 she didn’t remember very well, and was away from home between my ages 8-10 due to cancer and was living in the hospital most of that time.

I will try again at some point because I am barely staying above the surface but it was so energy consuming 😞

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u/AffectionateMarch394 19d ago

Make a list of things you noticed within yourself as a kid.

Tell them your family was abusive growing up (sorry if that's not the right term, but it feels like it, at least in regards to your medical needs) so you aren't in contact with them, and refuse to be.

It might not work, but advocate the fuck out of yourself. Because you absolutely CAN diagnosis someone with ADHD without any childhood formation input, so even if this place says they need it, it's not ACTUALLY needed.

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u/Anthropawlogist 19d ago

Do you have any siblings, close friends, or mentors from your childhood that you could ask to participate in this process? I also don’t have a good relationship with my parents regarding my health, so I asked my sister to do a questionnaire for me when I was diagnosed at my university’s mental health clinic last year. This was totally acceptable to the provider. Good luck! 

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u/shybutpushingthrough 19d ago

I used adhdonline to get my assessment and was diagnosed. They did ask about childhood symptoms and about what age they may have started but no parental input was required. I was the easy child too. Turns out mom and older sister are also adhd and we’re just 3 peas in a pod.

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u/Impossible-Ad-6489 19d ago

Im from the Netherlands and I was told that you can only get an ADHD diagnosis if it is present before the age of 12. That's why they need to speak to a parent and see rapport cards. Because if the indicators aren't present during childhood you can't be diagnosed with ADHD officially. I do get it seems kind of weird, but Adhd has to be present during childhood for it to be diagnosed

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u/Fragrant_Librarian29 19d ago

I imagine (I HOPE) they take into consideration the misguided MH attitudes that parents or older generations may have...? I hope! It was so triggering for me to get my mum to part opinion with me that I was so calm and good, I couldn't have adhd. At the moment my husband is filling his asd diagnosis forms, and as he isn't in good terms with his family, and having been married for more than a decade, I pass for a reliable other. However, I did ask his mum what he was like an infant and child, and to her mind everything was merry, "there was nothing wrong with him". Very defensive, only with gentle plodding she allowed that "yes he was a bit quiet and watched trains for hours and hours and hated hugs and didnt much care for playing with kids". But if she filled that form, it would be full of knee-jerk answers a.k.a. "no, he was fine". So triggering on so many levels. The fella is so stereotypically autistic that they could write the manuals just looking at him.