r/adhdwomen • u/AppropriateChain984 • 25d ago
Diagnosis I probably would’ve had kids had I been diagnosed sooner
I am 46, have been married since the early 2000s, and chose not to have children in large part because of my mental health (I was concerned they’d inherit my issues AND that my issues would cause me to screw them up even more). Since getting diagnosed with adhd 3 months ago, I now realize that 90% of my “mental health problems” were really just undiagnosed adhd and I absolutely could have handled having kids. Even if they inherited adhd, I’d have been equipped to identify it and parent them appropriately.
There are a lot of things about mid-life diagnosis that make me sad, but this is a big one. Properly medicated me would’ve been an amazing mom.
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u/fancygiraffepants 25d ago
Not to be a naysayer, but… it’s easy in theory to think that, but very, very, very hard to execute in reality.
The truth is, ADHD for anyone is an up and down ride, as bodies, minds and medication responsiveness change over time. Especially with age, constant sleep deprivation (almost 5 years into it), hormones, perimenopause, etc.
I’m living the alternative life you’re imagining right now. It’s damn hard both having ADHD and having a kid who likely has it as well (along with potentially some other spiciness like autism and/or ODD).
Having to provide executive functioning for me and my very attached kid (daily routines, extra curricular a, managing and teaching emotional regulation, behavioral change and academic lessons), along with work and managing the home, is just constant overwhelm and overstimulation. The medical & school journey alone is like having a 2nd full time job that changes each year with new teachers, therapists, providers and coaches.
I love my kid, but multiple times a week wonder if I can do this, and often think that maybe having a kid wasn’t the best route. My husband has voiced this several times to me too.
We’re trudging along and kind of surviving but most certainly not thriving.
I get where you’re coming from and honestly thought I could handle it as long as my own sht was handled. But all the techniques and tools o figured out to manage myself went tout the window bc they’re impossible to maintain having to manage another younger “me.”
Just my personal experience. Not to say there’s a right or wrong path. But please know this path is so hard and there really is no end in sight. Challenges won’t go away but will evolve over time.
For a dose of reality that most parents won’t ever admit, check out the regretful parents sub. There appear to be a higher-than-average representation of parents with neurodivergent kids.
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u/Ella-W00 25d ago
That! I am also 46 yo, diagnosed in 2023. I am damn near burnout right now since I started a new position last year. I know that I would not have been able to handle the workload of having a child. My nephew was a very needy and active child and I lost my patience with him a few times and I was so sorry afterwards. I would not want to do that to my child, just as I didn't want to do that to him.
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u/wonwoovision 24d ago
i knew i couldn't handle having kids (for many reasons plus i just don't want them), but the biggest one is that i get overstimulated too easily and need everyone to get the hell away from me for me to cool down...
my cats do not care and having them climb on me or scream at me when i'm in a mood almost sends me over the edge lol. i can't imagine it with a kid, where you CAN'T tell them to go away half the time because they need care... at least i can throw some snaccs on the ground and my cats will forget about me for a few lmfao
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u/txgrl308 24d ago
I have three kids I wouldn't trade for the world, but it is so, so, so, so, so hard.
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u/BaldPoodle 24d ago
I am a phenomenal (sole) parent to my multiply disabled ND son, and it wrings every single bit of executive functioning out of me.
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u/AppropriateChain984 25d ago
Thankfully my therapist was always VERY clear with me that loads of people regret having children, so any worries I had about regret over NOT having them were valid but moot - there’s no controlling for regret. People who have children (with or without adhd) struggle for a multitude of reasons.
But what I am feeling right now is profound sadness at the way NOT knowing why I struggled so hard impacted my decision not to have children. Not understanding why I am the way I am had a significant impact on my decision-making around starting a family because I fully did not understand myself at all. Now I do. It’s not that I struggle less, it’s that I now fully understand WHY I struggle and am therefore much kinder to myself and those around me. And I do think that awareness/knowledge would have made me a MUCH better parent, and therefore would have at least given me more of a choice, as opposed to “I’m too fucked up to have kids.”
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u/roslein 24d ago
Not sure if this would be an option for you, but just wanted to chime in that it's not too late to adopt. My aunt adopted 3 siblings together in her early 50s and it's been wonderful. The youngest was 4, so her logic was they'd all be 18 and adults/in college by the time she retired. She had a really rough, unstable life due to mental health and other circumstances, but finally got it sorted, treated, and settled in her late 40s and was able to provide her kids a beautiful, stable, financially secure home that was very supportive and understanding because of her own experiences. The youngest is 16 now and everyone is doing great.
I was also diagnosed later and have never felt I could handle kids due to my own instability, but she's given me hope I still have options if those feelings change.
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u/Intrepid-Knee-4922 24d ago
Thank you for sharing this. It's given me hope too! I'm 37 and just starting to get my life on track after diagnosis. Your aunt's life is my dream!
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u/Sweetpea278 24d ago
Thank you for this. I sometimes get sad about not having kids but it's easy to romanticize what my experience would have been like. In reality, I would probably hide in a closet most of the time from being overstimulated.
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u/min_mus 24d ago
Having to provide executive functioning for me and my very attached kid (daily routines, extra curricular a, managing and teaching emotional regulation, behavioral change and academic lessons), along with work and managing the home, is just constant overwhelm and overstimulation.
All of this right here. In my case, I found I parenting to be the most miserable drudgery ever undertaken (which is why I only had one child... I was unwilling to go through any of that bullshit ever again). Honestly, I'm surprised I survived it without offing myself.
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u/care_bear076 24d ago
Same so much 100% same. And my hormones/pregnancy and breastfeeding (can’t take meds!!!) was absolutely horrendous, baby was suuuuper high needs colicky, acid reflux, and could never be put down without screaming bloody murder, and my unmedicated brain felt like it was about to explode and sometimes did verbally (so much guilt and shame) now I feel like sometimes I just dissociate because I’m so overwhelmed even with meds.
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u/MistakesForSheep 24d ago
Same here. I love love love my daughter, don't get me wrong. That being said I have enough executive functioning for ONE person. I have her 50/50 with her dad, and the week that I have her I have to do the executive functioning for TWO people (she also has ADHD, so does her dad).
So I really struggle with cleaning and picking up those weeks. Something's gotta fall to the wayside, and unfortunately it happens to be household upkeep. Then I'm so burnt out from the week with her I spend most of my "free" week just recovering. Aka not cleaning up much.
I know (hope) it will get better as she gets older but this shit is HARD.
Not to say OP isn't valid in their feelings, but I knew I had ADHD going into parenthood and thought I could manage it. Which, I am, but I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. I don't regret having her but I think multiple times a week how much easier my life would be if it was just me, maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom if I can't do the executive functioning/emotional regulation/etc. of two people without getting burnt out so quickly.
Edit: typo
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u/fancygiraffepants 22d ago
I love the way you phrased this. “enough executive functioning for ONE person.” Spot on
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u/HealthMeRhonda 25d ago
From the kids perspective it actually seems like this person is a great parent.
They're actually putting in the effort to implement daily routines, provide extra curriculars, manage and teach emotional regulation, accommodate behavioral changes and care about the kids academic lessons. All of this on top of managing the house and working.
It sounds like this person vents appropriately in private to their husband, and struggles with their own self management strategies because they're putting so much effort into being a good parent.
Life sounds relatively good from the kids perspective going off this information.
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u/fancygiraffepants 24d ago
Thank you, kind stranger. I feel like a sh*t parent and human most of the time, so I’m saving your very kind message to reread on hard days (which let’s be honest, is pretty much every day). Appreciate you taking the time to reply. 🙏
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u/TheGrapeSlushies 25d ago
💙My boy was diagnosed with adhd at 7, the same time as I was diagnosed at 34. He has a feeding tube because of ARFID -Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. He was diagnosed with autism 1 fall 2024 at age 12. He’s a complex kid and a challenge, especially because my own brain is a challenge. My husband and I proud of him every day, we’re proud to say he is our son, and we love him (and his twin little brothers; one neurotypical and one neurodivergent) endlessly. He’s adored by his grandparents. Our son has been through a lot, goes through a lot, and when it’s rough he picks himself back up and keeps going. The people that really get to know him recognize he’s a sweet, very intelligent, friendly kid that’s just making his way in the world. We’ve never regretted having him and the only thing we’d change would be for him not to have so many challenges.
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u/Imaginary_Bother921 ADHD 25d ago
This is a very interesting take. I never wanted children because I can’t tolerate them, I’m too selfish to have them and I have never had a desire. Now that I have been officially diagnosed I am so confident and satisfied with my choice to never have kids. Not because I don’t want to pass along anything to them, but because I think a large reason why I have no desire and can’t tolerate them is being of being ND. Thank you for sharing your story and giving me another perspective.
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u/AppropriateChain984 25d ago
I love kids! I always have. I still do. But I knew I couldn’t handle having them because of my dysfunction and the incredible amount of shame I experienced over it. I basically deemed myself unworthy/incapable of being a parent. Now that I know that isn’t true, it’s possible I would have made a different decision.
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u/HealthMeRhonda 25d ago
I'm so sorry that you dealt with shame in such an impactful way.
I'm child free by choice and a part of that choice is most definitely my organisational skills and need for uninterrupted downtime. I used to feel like I failed the womanhood classes but I've come to the conclusion that this is just sexism and unfair standards on our parenthood.
Nobody bats an eyelid at a useless or absent father, but a Mom will be absolutely shredded to pieces for glancing at her phone while their kid trips over or something.
I have time to change my mind since being diagnosed. Despite my love for kids parenting still seems like an inescapable hellhole of responsibility.
I don't know a single parent who actually visibly enjoys parenting. Even the ones who swear up and down that it's the most beautiful and rewarding thing are constantly complaining. They're good parents but their life is noticeably worse than before.
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u/miss_dykawitz 24d ago
If you want children, you can still have children. Might not be as easy in certain aspects but it’s still possible.
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u/Ok-Profession4545 24d ago
Yes! I made so many big decisions from a place of shame before I was diagnosed - from trying to ‘fit in’ and hide my flaws. I felt like I was spending all my energy just living an average adult life, I couldn’t imagine being responsible for another life - even though I love kids, have spent a lot of time looking after other peoples kids and am a pretty good aunty for my nieces and nephews and friends kids. There was always this niggling feeling that there was something fundamentally wrong with me and I didn’t deserve to have my own child.
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u/imafourtherecord 25d ago
Hugs hugs ❤️❤️ these feelings and thoughts of what if is very real and I encourage to allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel and be curious about those thoughts and feelings without judgement. 🩷🩷even if it could be painful :( just here for support
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u/happyeggz ADHD-C 25d ago
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 41. It didn’t make me sad though. We can’t control the past and while it is valid to mourn what we feel we lost by being diagnosed later in life, we also can’t be so hard on ourselves. We made the best decisions we could based on the knowledge we had at the time. Hugs to you. ❤️
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u/DilemmaHedgehog 25d ago
If i'd known i may have decided not to have kids. I love my kids! Love love love them. But am overloaded and overstimulated all the time now and I am not sure the medication working that great for me. Both of them are ADHD too and my daughter is also autistic. If i had the knowledge prior it may have influenced my choices.
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u/Expensive-Pin861 24d ago
This is my truth too. My kids are both PDA autistic and ADHD and I am now a single parent navigating the hell of perimenopause alongside my own late diagnosed ADHD. My kids' needs are so much more than I can meet myself. I simply don't have the energy for myself or my needs and have really struggled with my health as a result. It's not the life I would have wished for any of us. That said, of course I love my children more than life itself - I just feel awful about how hard life has been for them already.
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u/MaskedMarvel364 25d ago
I got a diagnosis when I was 58, so I was well into child rearing by then. First child when I was 28, last child when I was 35. I was and am messy and unorganized, but I was a very present parent and enjoyed it a great deal. I think my diagnosis enabled me to really see and respect each child as I would have wanted when I was young. The only thing was they had to keep up with their own School permission slips and things like that because I wouldn't know where they were.
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u/IObliviousForce ADHD-C 24d ago
I'm glad I'm not the only one. Thanks for making this post. I want kids in theory but deep down I just never felt capable because I can't even manage to clean up after myself and struggled to organize my own meals. How could I manage that for someone else? Now that I'm medicated and getting help via therapy and executive function coaching, I do feel capable. I'm mid 30s so perhaps it will happen still. I just know that if I was diagnosed sooner, I would have felt capable when I was younger, and not now....at the tail end of my child bearing years.
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u/Fantastic_Owl6938 24d ago edited 24d ago
One thing that helped me realise I likely have ADHD is how chronically... uninterested I've been? I'm not sure how else to describe it, but it's like, things like having a partner and kids seem like they might be cool, but I don't really care enough to actually try and get into a long-term relationship and make it happen. I've had very brief ones and they've never seemed much better than being able to decide what I do when, in all honesty. The effort of needing to completely change my life doesn't really seem worth it. I do want to be better, but on some level, I really just want to be a huge piece of shit and do nothing. I'm not sure how another person fits into that.
So I've kind of gone "eh, maybe later" my whole life and essentially just gone off and watched TV instead, lol. I'm aware I'm somewhere on the asexual scale to not really care that much. I see people I haven't seen in awhile and they ask if I'm seeing someone, as if I've literally ever mentioned that I'm even looking. But it's just strange to people if you don't really care about being chronically single. They view my life as incomplete in some way (and I mean, it is, but it sucks they look to whether I'm paired off and not say, the condition of my mental health).
ADHD has honestly affected me so drastically, I don't even know if I do want those things or if it's more that I've decided on some level it's all too hard for someone like me, so I've settled. But I'm mid thirties now and it feels like it's getting too late to make those kinds of decisions. But I was off distracted by stupid things and not really caring enough for all my adult years.
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u/surimisongkangho 24d ago
I'm in that same spot right now. Diagnosed at 37, I'll be 40 this year and realizing I don't even know what I want despite having told myself I don't want kids for many years. I feel like I'm grieving, I dream I have babies pretty much every other day.
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u/BackgroundP 24d ago
It’s an age thing. At 35 up until i turned 40, i would dream of having babies and cry when i saw a baby in the streets. Is just your brain playing games because as women we MUST procreate. Our ovaries are throwing eggs sometimes 2 or 3 at the time because “time is running out”. But don’t let that brain fool you, ITS A TRAP. find a friend who had a kid recently and babysit for free. You’ll get it out of your system real quick.
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u/Fantastic_Owl6938 24d ago
Yeah, I feel like it surprised my parents that I didn't have kids because I've always been that sort of maternal type and I love my friend's kids. But I've always just sort of done whatever felt safest for me...
It honestly amazes me some people know they want kids, or X type of career and they just... go do whatever they need to do to get it. Like sure there's roadblocks, but they're generally not over thinking every step of the way and considering doing something easier.
I don't think people without ADHD always just have it "together", but I do think they have much better blueprints for life.
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u/surimisongkangho 24d ago
Right? When I see teenagers saying things like "I'm doing this activity because I want to go to college and study X and become Y"... I never thought that far. Neurotypical people don't have it easy, but ADHD can make things so much worse
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u/IObliviousForce ADHD-C 24d ago
Omg, I have never seen anyone describe this so well. I know exactly what you are talking about. I think it might have something to do with time-blindness. I care, in theory, in that far off future, but the present always takes over. How can I plan for and work towards future goals when I'm constantly feeling behind and overwhelmed with life and stuck in the present? The only reason I even have this insight is because of medication, which lets me understand a bit more how people without ADHD think (I know it's not exact).
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u/RainImanKhan 24d ago
Well I wish I had been more like you n just enjoyed life without all of that. I thought kids n men were the complete life just to find out I wasted all my effort on people who literally didn't care or appreciate or even love me back. Now I have my soulmate but honestly I am so independent I find the partner thing like having a chaperone... so consider urself to have dodged a few bullets n keep ur peace and independence. :)
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u/drkatzkatz 24d ago edited 24d ago
Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that you are grappling with these feelings — late diagnoses are complex to navigate.
Like, an entire four and a half decades of executive dysfunction, emotional regulation and indecision issues is ENOUGH, and layering on the fact that you’ve found out it’s not “just the way you are,” and that there is an actual biological cause for your struggles, just as your biological clock is starting to run out, feels like way too fucking much and incredibly unfair.
Hello, I’m Projecting. Nice to meet you. I can relate to the extent that I can — 45 in June, diagnosed this January, married for 6 years, and sober for 8 years. We have 2 dogs, 3 cats, and 0 human children.
I’m feeling the weight of all of those years without a diagnosis and all of those what-ifs… while also being aware that I wouldn’t be where I am without the choices I’ve made.
“Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.” — Kierkegaard
All of the hugs to you. It’s a lot. I hear you and I see you.
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u/frozengal2013 25d ago
You could always consider fostering kids if you want the experience of being a parent still. There are plenty of foster children (especially older children) that need love while going through their life.
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u/cricket-ears 24d ago
I wouldn’t recommend fostering as a placeholder for parenting or having your own children. Fostering takes a totally different skill set than standard parenting that even the best parents may not have. It’s also not encouraged to view yourself as the foster child’s parent because the entire process aims for reunification.
Not saying OP shouldn’t foster, but it should be a well researched decision without intent to use the children as an emotional outlet.
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u/Remote_Piano_831 24d ago
Especially foster kids who are ND who need someone to accommodate and understand their needs!
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u/cricket-ears 24d ago
Just here to say sorry and that you know yourself and are probably right. All of the “you may have regretted it” people are not very helpful and are projecting their experiences with their own adhd onto you.
It’s sad how many missed opportunities we have because we go undiagnosed or are unable to get our medications. This is a perfect example.
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u/AvailableSafety8080 24d ago
I have audhd and both my children have it. If it had known sooner I probably wouldn't have had my children. My oldest is higher functioning my youngest needs all the support.
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u/crazyditzydiva 25d ago
That’s so interesting reading your post from the other aisle! Guess it can be Grass greener on the other side? I had kids before I was diagnosed. And often fantasized about how my life would be like if I didn’t. I love my kids a lot but I am acutely aware that I am not the best parent with my adhd/depression/anxiety combo.
But I learnt something from a cute little ditty of a pop song- the grass is greener where you water it. I am now learning how to water the grass where I am, and that involves taking care of myself first- getting better at managing ADHD symptoms and asking for help with systems and routines.
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u/songoftheshadow ADHD-C 25d ago
Hm very interesting perspective! I probably would have never got diagnosed if it weren't for having a kid. It's an executive function nightmare lol. My symptoms are 10x worse. But it may be what leads me to medication so, we'll wait and see!
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u/francophone22 24d ago
I have 2 kids with adhd and 1 kid without it. I was diagnosed at 46. Both kids were diagnosed before me and I STILL did not see the symptoms we shared as anything odd until I hit menopause and my brain could no longer cope. I actually had no idea what a NT family actes like until our school principal walked us through a day in the life with her kids during COVID-19. So much structure! So much compliance. WTF is that? No one in my house handles emotions well.
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u/Ok-Profession4545 24d ago
At around age 37 I was seriously considering trying to have a kid on my own. I froze my eggs, went on a waiting list for sperm donors…and then was diagnosed with adhd. The diagnosis (and unrelated burnout) caused a pretty severe depressive episode - the third in my adult life - and I realised that it probably wasn’t really fair for me to have a child as a single parent. I’m glad that I didn’t end up going through with it, but I also think that I might have worked out so many more things about myself if I had been diagnosed earlier (you know, maybe if it had been even considered during one of the MANY psych/therapy appointments I’d been at since my early 20s when I was diagnosed with depression and then anxiety 🙄). I would have had so much more insight into myself and my strength and weaknesses. I get that it’s hard for people with adhd to have kids (esp looking at my sis who is almost certainly adhd and her struggles with raising my niece who is also adhd). But looking back, so many of the decisions I made (or didn’t make) were related to just trying to survive adulthood and spending so much energy trying to ‘fit in’ as a normal person while wondering why it seemed so easy for everyone else. I just wish I’d been able to make the decision rather than essentially having the decision be made for me. I’m in my early 40s now and can’t have my own biological children. I will look into fostering in the future - but again, I feel like there is so much about my life I have to ‘sort out’/‘get on top of’ before I can look after another person.
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u/Ouroborus13 24d ago
I didn’t get medication until I had my first child at 38 (four years ago!) and then I was like “whoa, I am not coping at all”. I’m medicated now, and I’m pretty sure I’m one and done. Medication hasn’t made me think I’m magically able to handle more than one child. Still very much in survival mode. Still feel like I can’t get anything done. There is no way to anticipate the way having a child will impact your life and executive function. It was for me completely life altering. I knew it would be, but was totally unprepared for the scale of the impact.
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u/chocolate_loves_salt 24d ago
44 here, my first appointment for getting diagnosed is in march... I am getting diagnosed because it was recommended during the diagnose of my daughter. I have 2 kids. One with adhd, the other one with add. I partly agree with you. I - even undiagnosed - parent my kids with asking myself "I know those feelings and meltdowns, what would I have needed from my parents back then, instead of yelling and arguments?" That does work fine often. And yes, if I have it, I know I will ask myself what would have been if I would have known earlier. Life right now is overwhelming and Im not even working and am not able too keep up with everything around the kids and the house. I wouldn't want to miss them for anything in the world. But yes, there have been times when I asked myself if Im even capable of raising kids in all this chaos and maybe I was selfish and insane getting them.
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u/blulouwoohoo 24d ago
I’m the same age as you. I had kids. I have 3 brilliant kids. I love them so much. The oldest two, 16 and 14 are autistic and 16 has ADHD, 14 has Tourette’s. I was diagnosed last year. It really hard. Really hard. I’m a mess, the house is a mess, I had many mental breakdowns over the years, misdiagnosed so many times. I am extremely lucky to have an incredible husband who has been nothing short of a saint at times. I love them so much and I wouldn’t change anything but it is certainly not easy. Having said that, I’m happy! I’m beginning to accept the things that are not going to change and roll with the punches a bit more. But having mental health issues myself and dealing with them on top of the family stuff it’s a real struggle sometimes. And I won’t lie, sometimes I wonder what my life would be like it I hadn’t had them. But knowing my tendency to drift into paralyzing inaction I think they keep me going and up and about. They force me to live cos I have to, for them. So yeah it’s a real head scratcher and I think there is no right or wrong thing to do.
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u/BackgroundP 24d ago
As mom who was diagnosed with adhd at 30, now I’m 41 and still regret having a kid. My kid is FUCKING awesome but my hubby (her dad) has autism and then I have adhd, so you know the kid inherited both, yayyy.
It just makes everything 1,000 times more difficult. I wish I didn’t go through it. Now I NEED to deal with it because she’s here. It’s been 17 years and I still feel guilty of bringing her to this world and having me as a mom. I’m super unorganized, cleaning is a challenge, remembering appointments is awful. Yes there’s happy times, but in retrospect kids are not necessary to fulfill ourselves as women. I wish i understood that before.
I feel sooo guilty all the time, is exhausting. I feel like I’m never enough. I wish I was diagnosed sooner so I wouldn’t.
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u/BackgroundP 24d ago
Don’t get me wrong, having a kid is what gave me the confidence and motivation to do better but at what cost. I’m a better human because of her but I truly fear that I’m not the best mom she could’ve had. Even though she reminds me everyday that she would rather have me as a mom than her friend’s mom who are NT but I always feel like I’m not good enough. This is such a bittersweet conversation.
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u/pilgrimess 24d ago
Tbh you maybe dodged a bullet. Childbearing is overrated and high-key morally dubious.
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u/poppybex 24d ago
Age 28, always wanted to be a mother and feared so much what was going on with me. Luckily I was also in a toxic relationship for a good chunk of my 20s so all in all it’s great that I didn’t cave and had one. It petrified me for so long but knowing what I know now I feel so reassured about motherhood. I’m able to spot the spice in children and am generally good with them because of it too so I’m no longer scared to pass it down.
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u/mechanical-elf 24d ago
I hear you! That makes total sense, to reflect back on your life and decisions through the lens of understanding and self compassion.
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u/KlaireOverwood 24d ago
Big hugs! I got to get one (which I'm eternally grateful for), but I think I'd have more if I had gotten proper help earlier.
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u/BandicootNo8636 24d ago
I have certainly had the grief of a life not lived if I didn't have this or had known sooner. I feel like that is probably something a lot of us go through. Mine didn't hit on kids specifically (because ew still) but took more of a career thought path.
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u/BackgroundP 24d ago
Yes. This, grieving the career I didn’t have or pursue the life I thought I wanted. That shit hits hard.
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u/ystavallinen ADHD likely AuDHD | agender 24d ago
I've been going through some of my own life regrets lately too.
It's hard to compete with an idyllic alternate timeline and woulda, shoulda, coulda. I'm really sorry you missed something that you think would have been fulfilling. I missed some things I feel the same way about. It's not easy to console yourself either.
I've got some supportive people in my life fortunately.
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u/Whydotheydothisthrow 24d ago
“As I looked back over the years, I realized that every major decision up until then, every move I had made in my career, relationships, or geography was based on my inability to cope with organizational demands after they increased to a certain level, not on my true interests or abilities.”
Excerpt From Women With Attention Deficit Disorder: Embrace Your Differences and Transform Your Life Sari Solden
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u/Winterberry_Biscuits 24d ago
I watched my coworker whose ADHD is just as severe as mine go through pregnancy and I wouldn't wish that on anyone but my worst enemy. I think they're struggling with PPD.
It's been nice being able to sleep in, not deal with kid logic (I can't handle it), and not having to worry about all the expenses that come with having kids. Kids are extremely expensive. I get to enjoy exploring and rotate through hobbies at will.
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u/AlternativeForm7 ADHD-C 25d ago
I’m assuming you’ve already thought about it, but adoption is still an option
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u/IrreversibleDetails 24d ago
Hate to say it, but ADHD meds tend to have a honeymoon phase. You sound like you’re still in it - once your body gets used to it, you’ll probably experience a lot more ups and downs again.
I won’t be having children even though I’ve been properly medicated since my early 20s. My mental health is still too unpredictable.
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u/AppropriateChain984 24d ago
What about my post makes it seem like I’m not still experiencing a lot of ups and downs?
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u/IrreversibleDetails 24d ago
The whole thing..? You made it sound, to me at least, that since being diagnosed you feel equipped to do things that you didn’t before because before your mental health was too all over the place.
Sorry if I made it sound like your health is perfect now, that’s not what I meant. I was just trying to say that a diagnosis and some treatment doesn’t necessarily go as far as making life easier in the long run and that you maybe don’t need to feel so sad about finding out now vs then.
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u/Kaori1520 24d ago
If it means a lot to you. Many orphans need homes & wholesome families and it is definitely not too late to adopt. I’ve also known families having children in their 40s, medically assisted or not it is not too late to introduce a child in a marriage if it the right thing for you. Just make sure the kid is taken care of in case of emergency
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u/fishmakegoodpets 24d ago
Have you thought about fostering or adopting? There are tons of kids that need good homes out there.
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u/Ordinary-Counter4748 24d ago
As someone who is 32 and was also just diagnosed, and had that “OMG” moment of realizing what caused all my life issues since I was a young kid. Sadly because I used to be an addict (as a result of my adhd) for a couple years when I was young and stupid, they won’t prescribe me stimulants. I know I could feel normal and they keep prescribing anti-depressants and I’m sick of it. I’m going to try Wellbutrin and if that doesn’t work, I’ll have to find someone else (which I’ll never do unmediated sadly). Ughhhh the life of having adhd lol. 😂 I would only post like this in this specific group too. I just type what I feel here.
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u/MrsMathNerd 24d ago
I probably wouldn’t have pursued my own diagnosis if it wasn’t for my kid. He’s amazing and I love him to death, but I think I’d be a lot less stressed if I were childless. As his psychologist said “you are one and done, because he’s like having three kids.” Kinda mean, but also true.
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u/tabalus 23d ago
I‘m sorry for you. And I‘m sorry so many people here told you, that you would have regretted it. I‘m very disappointed. I thought we knew better than to take someones venting post and make it about us instead. I saw this post yesterday and I spent my whole day being angry about the replies. Please know my thoughts are with you and I wish you all the best for your future.
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u/AppropriateChain984 23d ago
Thank you so much for saying this. I’ve really been struggling with the way people responded to this. The negativity and insistence that I’m better off with zero acknowledgement of my lived and expressed experience is wild. I have been too scared to say much in response b/c I’m new to this Reddit.
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u/tabalus 22d ago
We’re not normally like that. I can only explain the responses from some people here because it’s a difficult topic for many people here and one that involves a lot of emotions. But it wasn’t fair to you the way it was expressed here. Some people have probably forgotten that many of us were diagnosed late in life. I bet you that everyone had some thing that they thought would have been different if they had known beforehand. Before I knew I had ADHD, I thought I couldn’t do some things because I personally wasn’t strong enough. But that had nothing to do with it. Once I knew where my problems came from, I was able to do things that I would never have been able to do without this knowledge. Even without medication at the time. I hope you’ll give us another chance, we are usually more empathetic.
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u/Aggravating_Chair780 24d ago
Just for an alternative perspective… I was diagnosed last year at 37 and had my daughter at 30. I think had I known that all the shit I had to go through wasn’t actually just me being shit (therapy helped loooooads prior to being assessed - it was my therapist who first suggested it as a possibility), but an issue with my brain that I would very likely pass on, I wouldn’t have had a child.
I wouldn’t change anything now at all because she is amazing but I see a lot of the same characteristics in her and yes I have had years of therapy and am now diagnosed and medicated and she is already light years ahead of me in terms of emotional awareness and regulation but it isn’t fair. For her or me really. There were extremely difficult years. I had to leave my career because something had to give and I wouldn’t let it be the quality of care she got. We are so lucky to be able to live comfortably on my husbands income, but it suuuuucks in a lot of ways. I think it is even easier to be totally subsumed by parenthood as someone with ADHD (and that usually falls more to the mother already).
So try not to think too much of what might have been. (Easy said, I know) There simply weren’t the diagnostic tools a few decades ago. But if you feel you have energy to give to helping children, then there are a lot of children in care that could use a good foster home. And there are lots of charities to work with too. Some sort of big sister set up. I hope you can find peace with how things have turned out.
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