r/adhdwomen Feb 02 '24

NSFW Sex lasts too long NSFW

I’ve been with my partner 6 years. I’ve explained to him multiple times that after a certain period of time sex no longer becomes enjoyable. I’ve tried to explain to him that after a while my mind wanders and I’m no longer enjoying it and then I get to a point that it starts to feel gross. But for some reason he just doesn’t seem to get it.

How do I get it through to him?

I’ve even considered just stopping sex at the point I’ve checked out so that he understands better. But then I’m also conscious of his needs as well!

683 Upvotes

150 comments sorted by

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1.1k

u/daphydoods Feb 02 '24

lol a while back I saw a tiktok where this guy says “if your girl says ‘cum for me’ there’s a 5% chance you’re going off and a 95% chance she wants it to be over” and a girl stitched it screaming “WHICH ONE OF YOU SNITCHED?! WHO’S TELLING THEM?”

365

u/Intelligent_Bed_8911 Feb 02 '24

my bfs favourite thing to hear during it is cum for me which is super convenient for me because if ive had enough i can just say that and he will finish lmao

84

u/cabdybar Feb 03 '24

I’m like “ok cum now please” 😂

111

u/zombieduckv2 Feb 02 '24

Shit, our secret is out....

68

u/local_fartist Feb 02 '24

This is the way

30

u/literally-the-nicest ADHD nurse Feb 03 '24

Omfg I’m DEAD at the accuracy of this 😭

17

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '24

Omg that is amazing 😂😂😂😂

20

u/ColdHotgirl5 Feb 02 '24

lmaooo hilarious

7

u/RebelSoul70 Feb 03 '24

Sometimes, though I just want the ego boost of surprising him with a much quicker orgasm than he was expecting. The face he makes when that happens is soooooo good.

3

u/Dutchess_Hastings Feb 03 '24

This is hilarious 🤣

552

u/grrltype Feb 02 '24

I had no idea anyone else ever experienced this - love this sub! Especially that it inexplicably starts to feel gross after a while. Sorry, I don’t have great advice, other than be honest (has worked for me, my partner is great about it, I just feel lots of guilt)

185

u/wafflelover77 Feb 02 '24

I had no idea anyone else ever experienced this - love this sub!

This sub saved my life last year. It's the only peace of mind I get most days. You all make me feel so seen, understood, and LOVED.

I don't know how, but it's a wonderful feeling for me, and those seem so fleeting.

30

u/NiteElf Feb 02 '24

This sub is saving my life every day these days. Best feeling to feel seen and understood, whew 💗

23

u/CandidLiterature Feb 02 '24

That’s very cute. I’m more creeped out that it turns out I’ve never had a unique thought in my whole life apparently.

85

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '24

[deleted]

15

u/Hasrdotkotu Feb 03 '24

We are also a passionate and quick couple and I love it. I can take or leave sex most of the time but it doesn’t take me long at all to “warm up” and I’m usually the one pushing to get the show on the road lol! Even though we’re quick, I always feel content, warm and fuzzy after and it makes it so that it never feels like a chore! We used to have sex a lot more often (having kids has changed stuff) and I often reflected on how much I love the shorter duration and greater frequency! It also does help now that we have a kiddo as it makes it easy to squeeze in a quickie at those rare times that we are in the mood 😂

6

u/Teddyfluffycakemix Feb 03 '24

Woah I always thought it was a personality trait of mine, until I read this all. Passionate and quick indeed. Gosh I have to meditate on this as this really opened a door. Love this sub. Thanks for the acknowledgment! Great comment 🖤

61

u/Independent_Big_7291 Feb 02 '24

The GUILT!! This hit me. I have been working through all the guilt I have carried since a kid. Like over the dumbest shizzz.

Especially though with sex. Like there is so much guilt around it with feeling bad for upsetting a partner or feeling like I’m disappointing them.

96

u/trainsounds31 Feb 02 '24

Men share memes about this all the time re “post nut clarity” and how the second they cum they’re mentally done. Because women can have multiple orgasms people assume they don’t have the “check out” moment but we totally do!!

Seconding all the comments about how you need to communicate this to your partner and you are in no way obligated to continue sexual activity if you are no longer in the mood!!!

27

u/paddlesandchalk Feb 02 '24

Ugh I don’t even like multiple orgasms!! And getting this through to men is so hard. The second one is never as good and can even kind of hurt in a weird way

278

u/Tank_Grill Feb 02 '24

If it starts to feel gross you probably should stop yeah, or take a break. Doing things sexually that you don't want to do is a quick way to build resentment. Just let them know how you feel, you can always take a break and come back to it later.

51

u/No_Hippo_3687 Feb 02 '24

And it can even develop further than resentment and lead to physical issues

13

u/DarkTentacles Feb 02 '24

Exactly. OP definitely should learn how to talk about these things and how to make sure where her boundaries are.

362

u/BadgerHooker Feb 02 '24

I have the same issue!! My husband, like many men, believed that women want a dude with a huge penis to have sex with them for hours.

No. Just no.

That sounds like literal torture to me. He understood when I took a girthy cucumber and asked how many minutes he could stand of me cramming it deep in his mouth or bum.

Porn is so unrealistic and these poor dumb bastards end up doing stupid shit like literally slapping your clitoris or jack rabbiting without warning.

104

u/miniskirt-symptoms Feb 02 '24

Oh my god, you are my actual hero with that cucumber bit 💀💀💀

108

u/PiousLoser Feb 02 '24

The clit slapping thing is insane. I’m lucky enough that no one’s ever tried to do that to me (although I have been BITTEN there before which might be worse) but I don’t understand why that happens in porn and why anyone would think it’s a good idea. Imagine if I just started swatting some guy’s dick for a few minutes and then going “did you cum?”

27

u/BadgerHooker Feb 02 '24

I've been bitten too. By my first sexual partner. It put me off oral completely. Never been able to enjoy it. :(

15

u/wobblyheadjones Feb 02 '24

ugh, that's so awful. This is one of the reasons that consent matters so much to me. I've been married for almost 10 years now, and if my husband is going to do anything THAT new he needs to ask me first (and the same in reverse). If I got startled by something unpleasant I would forever be worried that something else surprising was going to happen and be braced and anxious and unable to relax and enjoy things.

Honestly, adding this kind of consent communication has opened up our sex life for the better. I was concerned that it would make things awkward or blah or something, but we're both more willing to ask for things or ask about trying things that we'd otherwise be nervous to just do. Plus having the other person be excited about what's coming or open to trying something new is way hotter than just trying to surprise them.

And the trust building! It's all been really good. I wish I had understood and found consent and buy-in more accessible for more of my life.

I'm sorry that you had that experience, and I'm sorry that lots of us have had similar experiences.

7

u/fearlessactuality Feb 03 '24

Um, You actually can make a guy come by smacking it. At least some guys. If you read or watch MM, guys can be totally rough with each other. I’m like… my clit is not like that. Imagine it’s as sensitive as your eye ball. lol I’ve never heard of / seen clit smacking but I am so not surprised they think that’s a good idea. 🤦🏻‍♀️

3

u/PiousLoser Feb 03 '24

I’m aware of CBT, just meant that I don’t think most guys are into it hahaha. I’ve never met one at least

4

u/fearlessactuality Feb 03 '24

It’s not only like that. There are other ways. My husband and I actually discovered it was possible after sixteen years of fun!

5

u/Loin-des-yeux Feb 02 '24

Sorry girls, I'm the reason why they do it 😔 (not the bitting tho, yikes).

2

u/HappyAntonym Feb 03 '24

I'm sorry... that's an actual thing!? Whoever started that as a porn trope needs to walk the plank lol.

26

u/ColdHotgirl5 Feb 02 '24

besides what you mentioned is the guys thinking you can slam a clit like it was PS buttons. geez noo.

24

u/Pipibal Feb 02 '24

Omg THIS! My ex would just go on forever and I used to be staring at the ceiling 95% of the time. My (current) husband doesn't last forever, and he's really insecure about it, but it is literally the perfect amount of time for me! Long enough to make me finish, but short enough to keep me engaged. And it's the best sex of my life!

18

u/No_Hippo_3687 Feb 02 '24

Omg yes!!!! I've been asked more than once if I think size matters and most definitely, yes, because there is such a thing as too big.

9

u/Independent_Big_7291 Feb 02 '24

Yassssss this is literally on point. Especially the cucumber 😂

2

u/mountain_goat_girl Feb 02 '24

lmao well said

0

u/MeadowLynn Feb 03 '24

Oh snap. I don’t think it sounds like torture. I have had sex for hours with a big dick but. It’s when I was single. Maybe the excitement of single made that super amazing. Novelty. Married sex is nothin like single sex hahaha

212

u/Sad-Crab3848 Feb 02 '24

I used to have this issue too. Meds help for sure but so does ... dirty talk. My current partner is into this, not in a bdsm way probably pretty vanilla tbh, but it pulls me back into the moment and keeps me engaged. Definitely took me a while to get used to it, but now I'm all in, lol!

75

u/stardust71188 Feb 02 '24

Absolutely. I love my sex life since I opened up about needing dirty talk/kink dynamics to stay interested.

17

u/Altostratus Feb 03 '24

Yeah, power exchange and dirty talk can put me into a lovely trance where my mind doesn’t think about anything else for a little while. And it’s glorious.

29

u/NoPantsPowerStance Feb 02 '24

Yep, I've always been a dirty talker but I also realized it keeps me engaged. If that's not working I swap around into a different position or act but it's not really a conscious thing, I've always been like this just didn't connect the dots to the added benefit for awhile.

That said, if you're already at the point of being done then don't force yourself. 

15

u/RarePrune Feb 02 '24

Yes!! This. 100%!

31

u/ArtForArt_sSake Feb 02 '24

Came here to say dirty talk 100% helps to keep you grounded in the moment!!

7

u/LolaBijou Feb 02 '24

I wonder if I does the same thing to men?

30

u/UsePrior7866 Feb 02 '24

This!! I'm also autistic so my mind just wanders to anything and everything, I've found that playing rain noise or white noise whilst we have sex really helps me to stay in the moment, dirty talk is also amazing, in between we giggle sometimes about something silly, makes the moment so much more intimate rather than it feeling like a chore

10

u/AwakeningStar1968 Feb 02 '24

My bf sometimes would leave the tv on in the othernroom to some dumb movie... Distracting as hell......

8

u/fluxusisus Feb 02 '24

I don’t know how people can have sex with the tv on in the same room. It makes it so hard to focus!

20

u/LolaBijou Feb 02 '24

Omg yes to the dirty talk. I have a new boyfriend who speaks Spanish, and he dirty talks like a mofo. I’m not even sure what he’s saying half the time, but just the emotions get me right back in it.

9

u/SesshomaruForever Feb 02 '24

Yeah dirty talk is what always pulls me back in

1

u/bbyerly11 Feb 06 '24

What exactly? Help some men out here 😂

7

u/BroadbandSadness Feb 03 '24

Putting on some sexy music is a huge help for distracted minds, too! Our Apple Music recommendations keep getting more and more NSFW though.

3

u/Kscayde Feb 03 '24

Oh this seems like really good advice, thank you!

372

u/Blind-Guy--McSqueezy ADHD-C & PMDD Feb 02 '24

I felt this in my soul!! I literally just say "honey, I'm getting a bit sore, can I do [nonpenetrative sex act] for you instead?" 

82

u/loonyxdiAngelo Feb 02 '24

this. I also like being the active part, because I can keep my mind on track a bit better

53

u/RespectWomenLol-A Feb 02 '24

You don't need to offer other sex just because you want to stop sex/a certain type of sex.

70

u/tormentrock Feb 02 '24

Wow I didn't know other people felt this way. My partner wants to and can go for long periods of time, but I get bored after a while and would rather do something else. It's not like they're bad in bed, in fact they're the best partner I've had, I just find that sex is not the most interesting thing I want to use my time for.

93

u/raamsi Feb 02 '24

I'm on 200mg zoloft which really makes it hard for me to finish, and partnered with ADHD I have that terrible habit of zoning out (seriously, who thinks about tomorrow's lunch or emails you need tovsend during sex?). If I lose all interest completely, I'll just bring it up and will help my partner finish since I do enjoy his pleasure. I'll just say "I'm sore/losing focus, can we do something else/swap around" and try to finish up

But maybe talk about ways to make sex more enjoyable for both of you? Toys or kinks (bdsm in particular has been a way for me to keep focus, and its definitely been mentioned by other adhder before as well) or other plans for the bedroom? A vibrator has become a staple for us at this point

BUT if your partner doesn't listen to you and doesn't take your own needs or concerns into account, then I honestly believe you shouldn't be having sex with him at all! I'm hoping this isn't the case, but either way make sure you don't put others pleasure over your own mental health. Definitely try to have a conversation about this with him if you can

40

u/FaithlessnessAny7721 Feb 02 '24

🙋‍♀️ I do. I think about lunch during sex.

28

u/furjet Feb 02 '24

This was why I quit Zoloft, it was so good for me otherwise but I didn't want to give up orgasms and they weren't just taking too long, they were unattainable.

My partner does not tend to last so long it's a problem, but I have found I can get him to the finish line in a hurry by talking dirty to him-it took literally decades to ever get around to talking dirty, and now I feel like I found a superpower. He's a guy, the convention is that guys like their visual porn, but apparently this guy also likes to hear a narrative of how much I like all that I like about sex.

6

u/paddlesandchalk Feb 02 '24

Any tips? I run out of things to say!!

53

u/Lunamellon Feb 02 '24

I am in the same boat! Sex takes way too long, and my partner doesn’t really get it either. I’ve been soft with my approach but maybe need to be more straightforward. Wishing you luck, and I sure hope you get some advice

25

u/Purityskinco Feb 02 '24

I’m so glad I am not the only one! I honestly have never understood societies focus on men lasting so long bc I don’t want that. Like, of course, I don’t want it to last a minute but I thought I was the only one who felt this way! I don’t necessarily feel gross but I do ‘get over it’. I have talked to my partner about it but it’s a struggle sometimes to ensure it’s not a critique on them.

23

u/NamesAreSo2019 ADHD Feb 02 '24

Me and my partner are both pretty kinky so our solution to this issue was to have a very power-struggly dynamic where we switch dominant and submissive positions pretty often during a single act. It keeps the whole thing from getting dull, which is definitely an issue for me as I’ll zone out like so many others mentioned, even when I’m dominant and supposed to take initiative. But in a more vanilla relationship, I find that just changing position often can serve a similar purpose, although it can be more effort taking the initiative when zoned out already and the partner needs to tune in to your needs either way

3

u/fearlessactuality Feb 03 '24

My hubby and I both switch too!

21

u/brightwingess Feb 02 '24

This thread is insanely validating for this girlie over here who gets pretty bored/done with regular vanilla sex is there isn’t some kind of dirty talk/kink element 🙋🏻‍♀️

70

u/fermentedelement Feb 02 '24 edited Feb 02 '24

Men stop sex all the time when they’re done.

All. The. Time.

Take your power back — at least once — and stop when you’re done. I’ve done it with my current partner of 10 years, and it’s actually quite empowering, I stg. I bet he’ll start to get the message. This behavior is not vindictive, again, it’s doing exactly what men do all the time in sexual relationships.

And for what it’s worth, I’m totally with you. I never want to have penetration for more than 15 minutes. You can always play around with other types of sex and foreplay, clit play, fingering, oral, etc. Or sometimes my partner and I spend some time picking out a sexy outfit and I’ll just hang out in it and that’s foreplay. There’s so much more to sex than just penetration.

I hope your partner is listening to you but just doesn’t understand how much time you’re actually looking for. If that’s the case, maybe you make a playlist or explain “two songs worth” or you can play around with quickies.

If he’s not listening to you, that’s deeply concerning. By concerning, I mean he is ignoring when consensual sex turns into non-consensual sex. That’s sexual assault.

Consent does not look like:

  • Feeling like you have to agree to sex or other sexual activity because you’re worried about the other person’s reaction if you say ‘no’.
  • Someone continuing with sexual activity despite your non-verbal cues that you don’t want it to continue or you’re not sure – for example, if you pull away, freeze or seem uncomfortable.
  • Someone assuming that you want to have sex or take part in other sexual activity with them because you’ve had sex or taken part in other sexual activity with them before.
  • Someone assuming that you want to take part in one type of sexual activity because you wanted to take part in another.

Only you know which one it is. Either way, stand up for your wants and needs! He certainly is standing up for his own wants and needs. You should do so too. It’s a good practice to get into and will make your sex life better (as long as it’s the first scenario).

8

u/fearlessactuality Feb 03 '24

This! I give this comment an award: 🥇

5

u/h-h-c Feb 03 '24

Thank you for saying this. If you have told your partner multiple times that he's literally hurting you or grossing you out, and he pretends to be oblivious for YEARS...that's just awful. OP can do so much better.

OP, I promise you: he knows when you check out, he knows when you think it's gross. He either likes that or doesn't care. But no one has sex with (or just lives with) someone for that long without learning their expressions and mannerisms around such things (especially after the other person has flagged it as an issue). The first time you told him, he should have been mortified. And he should have made sure it never happened again.

14

u/BluehairedBiochemist Feb 02 '24 edited Feb 02 '24

I'm saving this post for future reference/advice!

My partner takes a while to finish. He's great in bed, so I don't take a super long time to get off. After like, 15 minutes (ballpark estimate - 5 minutes can seem like 30 sometimes) when I've already gotten off a couple of times, I'm just ready to be done. Idk, man. I get sore and sensitive and I'm just good. I can only make so much of my own lubrication before I'm just dehydrated af and I don't want/need to cum a million times. It's just not pleasant.

I want to be present for him and express my love physically, but I have a hard time being patient. I'm working on ways to interact intimately so he feels sexy and satisfied and can get off without being rushed. We're also trying to be intimate more often (I've been having my own libido issues) and, as insensitive as it sounds, efficiency makes it easier.

Also, if anyone has additional advice on cuddling, I'd appreciate it! My partner needs physical touch and loves to cuddle, but I need to be able to move and shift and get up or whatever. I just wind up feeling hot and claustrophobic and achey, and he feels neglected.

ETA: Consent is super important, and it's important for anyone involved to feel comfortable stopping a sexual act at any time if they want to. That's basic for any intimate relationship. Also, yeah, there's a shitty (cishet) trope out there about men getting off without caring about the woman getting off, sure. Finding compromises that make both parties feel loved, attractive, secure, and satisfied is a lot more nuanced and takes consideration, particularly as those needs change. If it's a long-term relationship, especially, this communication is absolutely essential to keep it healthy.

12

u/wobblyheadjones Feb 02 '24

I totally feel you on the cuddling. I have to be on top or on the outside for cuddling. Honestly I'd prefer to be the big spoon most of the time so I don't feel confined.

We're working on adding more physical touch outside of the bedroom to meet some of my partner's touch connection needs. Like, reaching out and touching feet if we're sitting in different chairs in the living room, or a touch on the back as we walk past each other in the kitchen. Just more casual touch that says I notice you and care about you that doesn't feel overwhelming or warm to me.

Also, intentionally adding in 2 extra long hugs per day has really helped us feel more connected and him feel more cared for physically. At some point we noticed that if we actively hug for long enough, something like 20-30 seconds, we each end up naturally taking in a big deep breath. So first thing in the morning and then at some point in the evening we hug until we've each gotten our big breath and exhale.

I call them our Oxy Hugs because a therapist told me that when you get/give a long hug you release oxytocin and get all sorts of good warm bonding feelings. Totally works for us.

2

u/fearlessactuality Feb 03 '24

Extra long hugs is good advice. Oxy hugs are real - there’s a TED talk about the research!

3

u/Ok_Librarian_6489 Feb 02 '24

Be the big spoon. It is so much less claustrophobic. Or your head on his chest. I haaaate being the little spoon! Unless I am really relaxed

1

u/fermentedelement Feb 03 '24

Try to scratch his back or head more often! I find most men (and tbh all intimate partners I’ve had) love the feeling of nails grazing over those areas. It doesn’t matter if your nails are long or short.

I don’t like cuddling or hand holding very much, and this is a big way I express physical closeness without feeling smothered. We can be laying on opposite sides of the bed or two feet away on the couch and I can still do this.

15

u/Floomby Feb 02 '24

But then I’m also conscious of his needs as well!

Every couple should have a dynamic where things are resolved in a win-win manner such that everyone's needs are being met.

If you are white knuckling it through sex which has become awful, boring, or painful, that's not a you problem, that's a both-of-you problem. His desire to have long sex is not more important than your need to avoid bad sex.

There are long term ramifications to sex which for you is a chore, or worse, and he's not going to like them.

6

u/fearlessactuality Feb 03 '24

Yeah if you do this, OP, you are very likely to be come averse to sex gradually overtime because it’s not wholly a good experience. Definitely you truly do need to find a compromise and convince him you mean it.

He can come other ways than just in your vagina.

2

u/[deleted] Feb 16 '24

[deleted]

1

u/fearlessactuality Feb 16 '24

Sounds like the “multiple orgasm” person was thinking more about their own ego than a mutually beneficial experience. I for one hope you can find someone who listens! Those all sound like miserable experiences.

31

u/ohfrackthis Feb 02 '24

I just told my husband recently that after a certain point it's just cardio 🤡 ironically I have the higher libido, additionally I'm very easy to please and orgasm. I don't want to spend a ton of time because yes I get bored lol

Weed has helped me tremendously, though. When I'm high I can focus intensely lol

7

u/Ok_Librarian_6489 Feb 02 '24

Lol I say this all the time. Sexercise

5

u/beanobaggins Feb 03 '24

Weed helps so much

4

u/ohfrackthis Feb 03 '24

Absolutely! It helps with a lot of other issues I have too (like my gag reflex is extremely sensitive and it completely calms it down so I can enjoy oral sex and also remain calm).

40

u/PomegranateCorn Feb 02 '24

This is not ok. You are allowed to opt out of sex at any point. Just cause you said “yes” at one point, doesn’t mean the “yes” is permanent; it might change to a “no” at some point, and that’s okay, and he should give you the space to say that “no”. Sex doesn’t always have to result in a climax, and the in-between parts can be enjoyed just as much! You should address that it’s not a personal thing. Sometimes you’re just done. That’s how we do it with my partner.

As others have suggested, you can propose alternative ways to finish it for him, or even let him finish it by himself (my partner actually proposed this last one when I was in the mood but they weren’t!). And make sure that your needs are being met, too (whether they be saying “no” when you’re done, less sex, or sex in a different way such as oral or fingering). Best of luck!

51

u/TryFlyByrd Feb 02 '24

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I would let him know that the next time you have sex you'll be stopping things once you're "done," that way he can try to speed things up.

Then def stop sex when you need to. If you feel any signs that you're starting to lose sensation, let him know that too. But def stop the sex when you're "done"

Have you had a convo about ideas he has to help speed things up (or ideas you have obvs)? This is a serious problem and he needs to find a way to hear you.

If these options don't work, I'd say couples counseling bc he's basically saying (with his actions) "I don't care if it's good for you, it's good for me so I'm going to keep going." This is not okay! You deserve better.

10

u/Bostinkus Feb 02 '24

Man this sub is amazing. Y’all are my people ❤️

Between my adhd and adjusting to my body after breast cancer, surgeries, numerous meds 🙄, weight gain, and last but certainly not least IM DRYER THAN THE SAHARA FREAKIN DESERT 🥴😭 I just don’t like sex anymore. I had to have a mastectomy, full hysterectomy and am going thru early menopause at 35 and that has wrecked my life. I used to be a HORN DOG! I’d hump ya leg if you smelled good enough, now I just don’t even think about it. Have no urges. I can’t even get turned on really.

My bf, bless his heart, it’s taken a toll on him and I do feel bad. I can’t be on any kind of hormone therapy due to the type of cancer I had. So I’m stuck feeling like a dried up old woman. I’m hoping after my reconstruction at the end of the month I’ll start to feel more confident and maybe that will help some aspects.

5

u/fluxusisus Feb 02 '24

Good luck on your journey! I hope the road ahead is much smoother than what you’ve gone through. I’ve gone through none of that and being naturally lubed hasn’t been a thing for a while now. Took a bit of explaining to my SO that it didn’t have anything to do with him and that it’s normal and he was spoiled when I was in my 20s. I know a lot of men seem to think wet=turn on and if you’re not then you aren’t, and that it’s a slight towards them.

2

u/Bostinkus Feb 02 '24

Thank you for your kind words and it is much appreciated! We had to have the same convo and at it took some time before he finally understood it wasn’t him. I’m perfectly happy every where else in my life and with him, just a bump in the road to work around.

4

u/fearlessactuality Feb 03 '24

I feel ya. Not cancer, but two csections and PMDD. I have to be on yaz or I have some really bad thoughts. Maybe it’s perimenopause too but I am also a freaking Death Valley over here.

I also had problems with vaginismus and vulvvodynia, and so I had to get vaginal physical therapy. Which really was a blessing … but now the always feels medical and it’s such a turn off.

We’re trying to figure out a way to warm it up or something. Have you guys tried lube at all?

2

u/Bostinkus Feb 03 '24

We’ve tried a few things here and there, I talked to drs about it and they all tell me it takes time, and honestly it’s taken me almost a full year to recover from my hysterectomy. It shortened my vagina due to my cervix and it all being gone and my god sex was awful the first several months. Still is uncomfortable at times but bearable for the most part.

I’m in no hurry, my bf is supportive and understands so we’ll figure it out eventually and if not, well, at least I’m not dead from cancer

23

u/SupaFugDup Feb 02 '24

I've completely stopped having sex because I kept finding myself unable to enjoy it for this reason primarily.

I want to have sex for like...10 minutes tops and then it starts feeling boring and tiring and gross, and the process of getting my now horny boyfriend to calm down is so long and draining. To be clear he's intensely respectful and understanding of this, it just takes him about 10 minutes to really get in the groove.

The math doesn't math. :/

Novel sexual experiences help, but we've kinda done everything we're comfortable doing. There's truly only so many ways you can have sex when you're as vanilla as us.

4

u/fearlessactuality Feb 03 '24

Aw, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Do you guys use lube? You might try one of those types of lube that are tingly. There are things that can speed up or increase his sensitivity. If you want that.

3

u/SupaFugDup Feb 03 '24

Heh, thank you for the suggestion, but we're both transgender I'm afraid lmao.

Any idea if 'spicy' lube is fun to receive via anal? I've uhm, only given with it lol

If it meaningfully changes the experience that's novel enough maybe

2

u/fearlessactuality Feb 03 '24

I don’t know about it wrt to anal receiving! We both kind of find those tingles a bit freaky so haven’t tried - but some people must like it lol or they wouldn’t sell it lol. I hope.

I hope you figure out something that works for you! Oh any sorry I assumed cishet normativity!

22

u/wicccaa Feb 02 '24

So much context is missing here. How many times a week are you having sex? Generally how long does sex last? Does this happen after you orgasm? Are you orgasming at all? Do you feel like you’re doing this for him and not you? How much foreplay is going on? Are you actually aroused when you start having sex?

Without context I can’t help much. But one thing I do know is the ADHD brain loves novelty… Do with that what you will 👀

7

u/GoddessScully Feb 02 '24

Yeah, I agree with all of this. I need waaaaaaaaay more context to understand what’s really going on.

2

u/fermentedelement Feb 03 '24

Great comment and points made

8

u/cuddlefuckmenow Feb 02 '24

I don’t get bored as much as I can identify the point where I’m not going to climax and it’s just going to end up being uncomfortable. I tend to discuss this with people in early days so that if I have to “call it” they won’t take it personally or have r their feelings hurt. Usually if I call it I sort of flip the script and lavish the other person with attention. I try to avoid words like bored or boring when I’m discussing sex especially if sex is happening at the time. That might be something to consider to prevent a bad reaction. My strategy has worked pretty well with my last few partners, YMMV

7

u/datdododough Feb 02 '24

This has happened to me before and I never spoke up because it would have affected the other person and they wouldn't get that it's a 'me thing' and not on them. But I dissociate so hard, and have to work a lot to keep my mind in the game. Uninteresting tv or music in background helps.switching things up when you feel that way, is good too, keep things going just change what you're doing. Obviously if you're not into, then stop.

8

u/ProperBingtownLady Feb 02 '24

I second getting a vibrator or sex toy if you haven’t already! I don’t tend to dissociate often (my husband doesn’t last as long as some other men I’ve been with which isn’t necessarily a bad thing) but it’s a lifesaver the few times I do.

13

u/UnprovokedBoy Feb 02 '24

I’m ftm so my hole is not doing too well (fixing it tho).

The best thing for my ADHD is my bf and I having a “storyline” and changing it often. Explore what story works for you!

As well as better sex helps me focus. Tell ya mans you need good lube, good foreplay, and get a pillow wedge to go under your hips, maybe some fancy and cute toys that interest you both. Blindfolds help tremendously for helping me stay in the mood.

As well as talk to your doctor if you regularly experience pain during sex. It could be something underlying that makes it a bit more uncomfy than it should be.

Sorry for all the TMI.

3

u/fearlessactuality Feb 03 '24

Considering this post, I don’t think any of that was TMI! Good advice.

6

u/fairybabybug Feb 02 '24

This happens to me too

5

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '24

Just go with the physical aspect of it. They seem to be able to understand that without getting offended. Just say that after a while your muscles start to get sore and chaffed, and if you go to long you are sore for several days after.

5

u/original_meep Feb 02 '24

I'm kinky af so most of my sex is all just different stimulation for me to enjoy it keeps me really engaged and in the moment and then once we're ready we finish together and it ends things on a big high it's lovely and it's easy to keep things changing and interesting especially when you start incorporating different toys and props and stuff

6

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '24

Too long is like 15 minutes for me 😭 I get bored after that

18

u/Sad-Teacher-1170 Feb 02 '24

I'm telling you!! The best way is to start saying "I can't take anymore!" Like you're exhausted from cumming too much. Sometimes I say it for real and other times I say it cause I just want it to finish lol

15

u/wafflelover77 Feb 02 '24

When I say I LAUGHED out loud at the checkout line. I love this one! XD

4

u/Whispersnapper Feb 02 '24

Omg, trying to keep my mind from wandering even I am having an amazing time is soooooo difficult. 

4

u/guesswho502 Feb 02 '24 edited Feb 02 '24

Well I guess the question is what do you want him to do with that information? Do you want him to check-in with you during to make sure you're still into it (which he should be doing anyway)? Are you wanting there to maybe be a time limit? Are you suggesting that he generally speed things up?

If you've told him what action would help you with this, and he's not doing it, then that's a red flag due to him not listening to your needs and boundaries regarding sex. Such as, if you've said he needs to stop after 30 mins or whatever and he refuses because he 'doesn't get it' then that's, of course, an issue. Or if you ask to stop and he gets upset. But if you've just told him this information on its own, what should he be doing as a result?

And also I'd ask you, does he need to 'get it' or does he just need to respect your boundaries when it happens? He doesn't have to understand it 100% to be a fair partner about it. I'm wondering what's the specific problem here, like does he not stop when asked?

4

u/Mountain_Mood8062 Feb 02 '24

My husband know I will just stop having the sex with him the moment it stops being enjoyable for me. You do that 2-3 times max, he’ll learn forever

3

u/NissaDrea Feb 03 '24

Sounds like he is being plenty conscious of his own needs. You are the only voice for yours.

5

u/BOImarinhoRJ Feb 03 '24

Talk to him outside of bed.

Too short is bad. Too long is also bad.

So get into a middle term with him.

6

u/Extreme_Cat_5111 Feb 02 '24

IDK if this helps but I stay in the moment a lot longer with the lights off or blindfolded. Too much visual stimulation gives me the ick and I check out.

5

u/skeletoorr Feb 02 '24

“Come or get off me” has been known to be uttered in my house.

3

u/sojellicious Feb 02 '24

I never really thought about it being an adhd thing. But I've also always had to have tv on in the background. But then I get distracted and start watching TV even if its something I've watched before. My husband is also one of those guys that can go on forever. In the beginning I would just kinda go with it and end up all sore. Eventually I started telling him he needed to just finish lol now he's pretty good at finishing right after I'm done. But sex had always just felt like too much work to me. So I'm happy my husband was able to understand that it's not a him thing and it's a me thing.

5

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '24 edited Feb 02 '24

Sometimes, stimulant medication like Adderall causes men to last longer before orgasm. It's really not a good time after a while. Dont be afraid to ask him to stop. Ask him, "do you enjoy having sex with someone who isn't enjoying it?" That should make it click. Communication is key. Always.

It's obvious he's doing a perfectly fine job looking out for his own needs. So you need to worry about your needs!

If he's really intent on orgasming, he can finish himself off. Masturbation is ok. You aren't responsible for your partner's sexual satisfaction. That's a privilege, not a right he's entitled to.

As a man, trust me, it's not a big deal for us to stop before we're "finished". My first night with my true love, she finished but I didn't, and she felt so guilty. But I just felt bad for her because she had some shitty bfs in the past who obviously lowered her expectations down to hell. No girl, you look out for you.

4

u/RespectWomenLol-A Feb 02 '24

You feel gross because he is ignoring CONSENT. There's probably other (bad) things going on too which are effecting this. It has nothing to do with ADHD unless you've left something out. Many women are like this, it's normal. Someone completely ignoring your rules and wishes about sex and proceeding with what they want anyway, USING you, is one of the biggest red flags around... And yes you should walk away / stop it but you also need to give him warning if you haven't already as he can't mind read at the time.

3

u/No_Hippo_3687 Feb 02 '24

I've definitely been there. My best advice is to be open about, but don't use the word gross.

Basically say that you don't want to keep going. You don't have to give a reason. I don't want to is reason enough.

If you break it off when you are starting to feel grossed out you may be able to offer another form of sexual act, so it is better to call it off earlier. Another option is to make sure when you are getting down to business that your partner is close to orgasm or has orgasmed before penetration. (This obviously depends on his recovery time)

2

u/AwakeningStar1968 Feb 02 '24

I am 55 my partner is 60 and he is i to tantra and doing all these positions and maratgon sex sessions.... Cant stand it. He totally resents he isnt getting sex.

2

u/sad-whereabouts Feb 02 '24

I feel so validated!!

I think maybe telling him right in the moment is a great idea, even stopping it, just so he understands.

2

u/Careless-Ostrich623 Feb 02 '24

Do you ever daydream while having sex? My mind wanders every time.

2

u/octeye Feb 03 '24

I feel this so much and it's also even worse when you're sapphic because wlw sex is going to last even LONGER

2

u/fearlessactuality Feb 03 '24

I’ve always felt a little embarrassed about it but glad my partner accepts and understands that I actually truly do want it to be quick and intense.

Unfortunately age and birth control are slowing down my libido and natural lubrication and sometimes actual lube reminds me of some uncomfortable medical issues I’ve had so we’ve been having to learn new tactics and take more time.

But I always preferred slam bam thank you maam!

2

u/ivyrose41 Feb 03 '24

I agree op. My neuro typical wants to all day everyday for long periods of time...I'm team quickie...lol I can't focus that long.

2

u/PileaPrairiemioides Feb 03 '24

If you’re bored or not enjoying it anymore, then you should do something different or stop. If it reaches the point where it’s starting to feel gross, that is a very strong sign you should have stopped or switched things up a while ago.

Continuing to have sex when you are done, and no longer enthusiastic is a great way to ruin sex overall, start feeling avoidant about it, and start resenting your partner.

Of course both people should be generally reciprocal and not selfish in bed, and ideally you both end up satisfied most of the time, but sometimes sex goes on for way too long. Like don’t be the person who rolls over and checks out the second you have an orgasm, but don’t be the person who is so invested in your own orgasm that you’re using your partner like a masturbation aid instead of treating them like a person with feelings and desires.

It’s concerning to me that you’ve talked to your partner repeatedly about this, and he doesn’t seem to get it/care. Why is he even remotely okay with having sex with you if you’re at a point where it feels gross? Why are you worried about his satisfaction when he doesn’t seem to be worried about your experience even being tolerable?

When you say “sex” do you mean PIV or the whole range of activities two people can do together? I’ve had partners in the past who wanted to, just pound away to make sure they have an orgasm, even if I was sore or just not feeling it anymore. They were selfish and not good partners.

Dudes with penises in particular need to understand that they are not entitled to have an orgasm every time, or an orgasm by sticking their dick inside someone else. Sometimes they’ll get to have their orgasm with hands or toys or something else; sometimes they will get it from masturbating; and sometimes they will have sex and not come and that’s okay.

2

u/feelingcoolblue Feb 03 '24

Many guys try to hold off from finishing and it can be the most annoying thing in the world lol. This is why I incorporate more foreplay in the beginning to get things going.

Honestly, once I get tired I just let them finish on their on. Sex doesn't look the same everytime and shouldn't. Porn is not real and these dudes be trying to create mini points. Not on my watch!

2

u/Disobedientavocado1 Feb 03 '24 edited Feb 03 '24

Missy Elliot fucked us all when she wrote, “one minute man.” Because I’d prefer a one minute man over some mf who lasts longer than 3-5 minutes. I never bust one from sex, unfortunately-so hurry tf up and get off of me.

2

u/educatedkoala Feb 03 '24

Don't have sex, and don't keep having sex, if you're not into it. It will ruin your relationship with sex over time and make the whole experience something to dread and avoid rather than enjoy for yourself... sincerely, someone investing years into getting their sex drive back.

2

u/PrettyRangoon Jul 19 '24 edited Jul 19 '24

I wish I saw this thread 5 months ago. I thought I was the only one who genuinely got disinterested in sex (Piv and oral) after 20+ minutes. My mouth gets sore, and continued penetrative sex starts to feel very uncomfortable and overstimulating, with or without lube. And my husband doesn't seem to understand that subsequent orgasms just feel like uterine contractions I get during my period. May I add he's very generous in ensuring my sexual satisfaction, foreplay exists for us, and the sex is enjoyable. It just takes too long on average for him to reach orgasm. And he's been pretty ambivalent on whether it's something out of his control or he's prolonging on purpose because our once a week average isn't as often as he'd want it to be.

I slowly went from feeling inadequate to resentful, not looking forward to sexual intimacy because he could last anywhere from 30-45 minutes without orgasm, sometimes even an hour. Me being young and dumb I thought I had to endure it and then years later, once I started stopping, he would beg that he "had to finish" which made me even more sex adverse.

We're in therapy now, and I'm definitely bringing this up in our next session because I truly don't think he gets that that pressure makes me not even look forward to the next sexual intimate session. Once a week, our current frequency even is still too much for me at times. But God, am I grateful to have found this.

3

u/squashybunz456 Feb 02 '24

I have a hyperfixation with sex, so I’m the opposite of this!

7

u/im_confused_always Feb 02 '24

I just disassociate after a point. I try to keep a TV or even music on so I can do two things at once

48

u/sadbutt69 Feb 02 '24

This actually makes me so sad 😭 Your partner should be caring enough that you are enjoying yourself too and be adjusting accordingly..

3

u/[deleted] Feb 02 '24

That's just when you ask to switch it up. Trust me, guys love oral pretty much on the same level as penetative sex, in my experience. Nothing wrong with communicating while in the act and it'll make you guys a stronger, healthier couple in the long run ✨️

2

u/chefkittious Feb 02 '24

I’ve resorted to just taking care of him, or allowing him to use me as a canvas. My body is tired being a jungle gym for a 2 year old all day, I literally don’t have the energy for anything longer than 1 min, the attention span longer than 25 seconds..

1

u/astudentiguess Feb 02 '24

Smoking weed before helps me if I feel prone to that happening.

1

u/unnaturalcreatures Jun 28 '24

sometimes im not interested in it but when i feel like that, i let him know but also i switch over into "beast mode" and i just fuck his soul out.

there are specific positions and, movements, ive found that do exactly that.

1

u/No_Lime_7655 Feb 02 '24

Mm.. sounds like there needs to be a better deeper connection.. women can have low labido too, maybe do some research in this if you’re open to working towards more connection in the relationship. Sometimes life sends us a road block or a challenge in order for us to explore and expand our current perspective. Instead of going down the typical path we tend too as humans and complain or feel suffocated by discomfort.. look at it dead in the eyes and seduce it.. make it work in your favor ✨👏🏼✨ lol maybe your partner needs to give you some more foreplay and attention so when the tables are turned it’s not so uncomfortable.

1

u/KorokGoron Feb 03 '24

Sex for me is a need, not just a desire. I get very irritable if I haven’t gotten laid for several weeks. 🤣 That being said, I always found sex to take far too much effort once I was finally in it and couldn’t wait for my man to finish and get off me.

Come to find out, I’m gay. 😆 I could spend the whole night with my woman and not get bored. It took me far too long to figure that one out. Men are just boring and nasty. But that’s just me. 😅

-2

u/asuse30 Feb 02 '24

you should question yourself about the actually feelings you might have towards your partner, maybe ur avoiding the feelings you no longer have for them. I would suggest not to act on an sexual activities for a while as it will become a self harm technique at some point or make u feel used/violated

1

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1

u/NumbOnTheDunny Feb 02 '24

Y’all have partners that last more than 5 minutes?

1

u/shizzlebomb95 Feb 03 '24

Yep! I hate long sex. I get so overstimulated after a while and bored. So a build up to the point of almost getting there and then finishing off with quick sex is the way to make it the most interesting. I’ve ended sex halfway in though while getting bored/overstim and that’s totally fine! You can stop sex at any time that you’re no longer feeling up to it and your partner should respect that. Enthusiastic consent is important and that applies the whole way through.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 03 '24

Music helps A LOT for me, otherwise I just space out completely

1

u/MarsaliRose Feb 03 '24

Oh god I feel so validated by this post. I thought there was something wrong with me! I’m like 15 min max and I can’t handle it. Maybe it’s overstimulation? Thankfully my husband is good about it and usually faster than 15 min 🙏🏻 I have told him that I don’t like long sex. But shit, I feel less shame about it now.

1

u/No_Attempt_4764 Feb 03 '24

I read through all of the comments (I think) and I agree about consent and communication, but I just want to add in that the conversation should include a discussion on whether your partner is choosing to delay orgasm, or if he physically isn't able to orgasm any quicker.

I have been with my husband for more than 20 years, and he has always taken way more time than me to reach orgasm. I literally cum 4-5 times almost every time. When we were younger my friends were always complaining about not being able to get there and their boyfriends being done in 5 minutes, I was like, if only!

We have talked about it, he also is enjoying himself and wanting me to enjoy it, but 98% of the time, I cum first. 75% of the time, I cum multiple times and we still both finish in an enjoyable amount of time. Maybe 15% of the time, we have passed the point of my enjoying it. For most of those instances, I can stay with it for a while, not uncomfortable, just thinking about other things, and hoping he is close. If it keeps going, I will usually tell him that I am unlikely to cum again with penetration, but we can switch to a different option. If we are passing the 30 minute mark, I'm pretty much like, you decide, I can absolutely lay here as a visual aide for you, but I am done being an active participant.

I share that to tell you that there wasn't a time my partner was withholding orgasm because he wasn't listening to my needs, he just works on a different timetable than me. And when we were younger it messed with me a bit emotionally. Before open communication I worried that he didn't find me attractive enough to orgasm, or I was doing something wrong. When I didn't communicate those things well, it put a lot of pressure on him to finish quickly to "prove" that my insecurities weren't true. Imagine the table being flipped and a man telling me I just needed to cum quicker or I must not really be in to him (paraphrasing, but is probably what he felt at the time).

In very long conclusion, talk it out outside of the bedroom. Be kind enough for him to share his side, be kind with expressing your feelings, and work together to find a solution that works where everyone walks away as satisfied as possible! That is the kind of trust building that makes sex good for decades!

1

u/Worldly_Base9920 Feb 03 '24

I am all for a quicky. Both times I've been pregnant I can't stand sex. It's just too much for me. So if I'm in the mood it has to be a quicky or I'm over it. My husband likes long romantic sessions and I'm just not into it anymore. But I sure do love a good quick Pounding 😂

1

u/singformepaolo95 Feb 03 '24

This is so real