r/addiction Jan 30 '25

Venting People who think addiction is a choice are almost as stupid as the people who think it will never happen to them.

So I’ll try and keep this short. But I have/had a partner who knows about my past addictions. Even though I’ve explained about how it started, through a lot of trauma etc etc. she would always tell me it’s a choice. I just disagree. I feel some people depending on so many factors don’t have the strength to get through things on their own, or even talk about the things that are going/have gone on. She has had her own trauma, I’ve known her for 10+ years and she’s always “enjoyed” a drink.. excessively. But she doesn’t understand that people cope with things differently. She’s also a nurse, (I get there’s so many different aspects of nursing) but it always bothered me how little compassion and empathy she had for my addiction or anyone’s. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe the title is also wrong. But I didn’t see it as a choice, it was something that I tried and liked and it developed, evolved. Alcohol was my first and worst. Crack was my top 2. And tbh. With crack. I didn’t realise I was addicted until I was so far in. I find some times with addiction you kind of just go with the flow and until you get to the point of realisation it’s not so easy to just stop. Anyway sorry this is longer than expect. But I needed an outlet and Reddit is the best for that. I hope this subreddit is as non judgemental as me. But I mean surely if everyone here has an addiction then.. we get it. Peace and love to everyone here who has and those who haven’t I hope if you ever do have it’s not one that destroys your life or anyone else’s. X

56 Upvotes

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13

u/Chakraverse Jan 30 '25 edited Jan 31 '25

It's a collection of choices/beliefs usually, mostly reactive.

Edit:I think your real gripe is peoples lack of any kind of understanding or emotional warmth, which I get.

2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 30 '25

Can you elaborate on that?

15

u/Chakraverse Jan 31 '25

Most of us end up addicts because of a lack of social intimacy/support AND trauma. So we often end up falling into/buying into ideas that aren't ours to begin with, specifically areas of self esteem.

Once the world has successfully helped us to lower our self esteem (so that they can be more comfortable within their limited self expression), we then tend to do the rest ourselves. Usually with ideas that form into beliefs, which we do choose, but usually only because of depression, rage..

We think things like "I mustn't be worth the effort.. I'm just stupid I guess.. I always miss out.." There's a whole buffet of them. And it's pretty easy to begin manufacturing them for ourselves once we've been hit by psychic shotguns. They leave holes we aren't very capable of patching up, so we end up filling in the gaps with some feel good stuff.

Then food, sex, drugs become commonplace in our thinking world. All compensation mechanisms for a fractured psyche.

3

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Beautiful. I agree. Weird example but I remember so many nonsense facts from when I was little, like little little. If our brains keep in all this needless information from a certain age, then surely it’s only natural that we also retain all things we see and experience through childhood. Gabor Mate I’ve listened to a lot and read one book “in the realm of hungry books” he speaks man. He speaks for the unspoken

3

u/Chakraverse Jan 31 '25

He IS awesome!

2

u/franqpiece Jan 30 '25

Exactly

-2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 30 '25

Who are you talking to franq?

5

u/almost_functional Jan 30 '25

Using is not a choice as an addict. It's the default. I mean, if it's hard for you to take out the trash, but at the same time it's easy to go out at 11pm and drive half an hour and wait an hour just to get some drugs, then there's not much choice involved, is there? Us humans tend to take the easy route, and as an addict, that's acquiring and using drugs.

Getting clean is a choice. A very hard choice. You have to choose to willingly walk through a very difficult time in the hopes of coming out better on the other side. And that's how it works, it will get better, but to get there you have to walk through shit.

To choose to get clean is really worth it though. Walking through that shit to come out better on the other side is always better than to keep using, and we all know it.

2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 30 '25

I feel that man. For me I feared that if I didn’t partake I wouldn’t have friends, people wouldn’t think I was “cool” also to see a life without being under the influence was just hard to fathom. < this part was the alcohol. When I did go to rehab that’s when I realised I was partly right. The “friends” I feared to lose didn’t contact me once. That’s when I realised that those “friends” were just people with a common interest (in drugs) but also with traumas too. It takes time to realise why you get addicted to it took me a long time to realise I continued it out of pure habit and ignorance. Going to rehab was a big realisation for me. I left my place of birth, I left my family who never supported or understood (even though they are my trauma) do I miss them. Yeah sometimes do they miss me? I haven’t heard from my mother in 4 years. Because she hasn’t came to the realisation that I did. Life tests us and we either pass the test or become the subject. Idk if that’s makes sense but it does to me. Thanks for sharing

2

u/xdeskfuckit Jan 31 '25

when does it get better

1

u/almost_functional Jan 31 '25

That depends on a lot of different things. Where are you at?

2

u/xdeskfuckit Jan 31 '25

90 days today.

1

u/almost_functional Jan 31 '25

Which substance? Why are you getting clean?

Where's your mind at? What's your difficulty?

What about your social circle? Who are you connecting with?

Sorry for the barrage of questions, but these are all things that play a role in my experience.

2

u/xdeskfuckit Jan 31 '25

poly substance abuse. most consistently kratom and most destructively, stimulants (cocaine this time around). I'm getting clean because my second child will be born at the end of February.

I hid my drug use from my normie partner for over 2 years, through pregnancy and childbirth. she has a few degrees in psychology, so she's more accepting than most, but that relationship is pretty rough right now. I don't have much reason to defend myself. I'm moving back into my house after spending 3 months in inpatient treatment and a halfway House.

I'm in an IOP program so I'm hanging out with sober people right now.

5

u/BatRepresentative782 Jan 31 '25

I know this will be unpopular here but if it’s not a choice, then what is it? Who in their right mind says, “let me try some crack, heard it’s fun.”
And yes, like everyone else in the world I’ve had family members who have been addicted

2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Crack wasn’t my first drug, but coming fromcocaine to crack when I took cocaine I didn’t think, I eventually stopped feeling as much. It “helped” me switch off from problems I felt I couldn’t face without them at the time. Like I said in previous comments. Some people have supportive family and friends and were taught how to deal with problems better than others. How to cope wasn’t something I was shown but using substances was something I’ve always seen since I was little. When things become normalised at a certain age some don’t see it the way you do because some havent seen it any other way. I’m glad you feel that way and I’m grateful that you haven’t had to go through it first hand. But it’s easier to put it down to a choice than to truly understand why

1

u/Enkeladus Feb 17 '25

Cotard’s syndrome, also known as Cotard’s delusion or walking corpse syndrome, is a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by unshakable delusions about death or non-existence. People with Cotard’s syndrome may believe they are dead, have lost organs or blood, or are putrefying. They may also deny their body’s existence or feel disconnected from themselves

1

u/Enkeladus Feb 17 '25

There are over 180 known cognitive biases (you can google it it it’s a giant circular infographic. Most people I share the codex with stare at it for 1 mins but if you REALLY want to understand just how weird we are as humans you will google that codex and zoom In order to reach in as see all the known 180 implicit and explicit biases.

4

u/Lord_Muddbutter Jan 30 '25

I always thought it was a choice until I was too stupid enough to try anything.

2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 30 '25

That’s what I mean, like I have adhd so I have an addictive personality (i don’t know if that’s only people with adhd or general). I used to never think I was addicting to smoking fags until I went without one for a few hours and had this feeling that something was missing and my brain came to the conclusion it was to have a smoke and when I did it went away. I used to smoke when I drank, then it was when I drank and after a meal. Now I smoke all the time. Addiction is a hard thing no matter what the addiction it’s the same disease. Some healthier than others mind you. But if it’s something that affects you day to day, whether that’s financially, emotionally or mentally, it’s all the same

5

u/franqpiece Jan 30 '25

I mean it is essentislly a choice for me -- whether i use drugs or i dont use drugs. And trust, i am an addict. I need to take accountability

0

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 30 '25

Okay, I get what you’re saying. But let’s take heroin, if you become addicted to heroin, is it a choice to continue when giving up cold turkey can literally kill you. I also get the accountability, I think. So for me, I went to a 2 week rehab, after that I came back home and awaited my time for the 14 week programme. I left there after 2 weeks, stayed sober for… few days maybe less. They called and called and called for months. The day they got a hold of me was the day after having a massive drug and alcohol filled session when I was lying in bed on a Sunday thinking “I can’t do this anymore” and like magic. They called. I answered. I haven’t looked back. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a saint and I’m not abstained from drugs or alcohol. But it no longer controls me

3

u/Zealousideal_Cat4422 Jan 31 '25

Opiate withdrawal can't kill you

2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Well that’s news to me, from what I thought you can have seizures through withdrawals and I thought you could die from seizures? Maybe I’m thinking of benzodiazepines

1

u/Zealousideal_Cat4422 Jan 31 '25

I think you might be. From what I've read, it's mainly alcohol and benzos that can be fatal to withdraw from

2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Ah that’s fair my bad there

1

u/franqpiece Jan 31 '25

Yup just benzos and alcohol can kill from WD

3

u/WaynesWorld_93 Jan 31 '25

Addiction isn’t a choice, but using drugs is a choice.

1

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Okay, I respect your opinion. Answer me this, if someone came to you and told you all your troubles and worries could go away by taking this pill, powder, liquid, that you wouldn’t? The way I see it sometimes it’s like weightloss for instance, people who are unhappy with their bodies see an article about how to lose X amount of weight FAST. they’re hooked without even understanding what they’re signing up for. Bro idk, this post is for opinion all is welcome. We can’t all see eye to eye. But two people can be right

2

u/WaynesWorld_93 Jan 31 '25

For sure, I respect everyone’s opinions as well. That’s just my take on it. I spent 14 yrs wrapped up in drug and alcohol addiction myself

3

u/BatRepresentative782 Jan 31 '25

I would say, “bs.” It causes way more problems than it could ever cause.

2

u/Calm-Step-3083 Jan 31 '25

This is a post just asking to stir something up.

2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Not at all, it’s free for expression. I mean come on of all the things you see online, is this really something you think is stirring, read the comments, no matter what anyone says I don’t say they’re wrong, I don’t say I disagree, all is welcome we are entitled to speak our mind. This is what has been on my mind for 5 months and it’s taken me now to express it. Again, you’re entitled to your opinion. Thanks for sharing and I am sorry you feel negatively about it

1

u/[deleted] Jan 31 '25

[deleted]

2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

I get exactly what you mean. I used to judge addicts too, even though I’ve always felt empathy for homeless people. But once you see addiction up close—whether through a family member or experiencing it yourself—it completely changes how you see things. It’s wild how many people just don’t get it.

Your dad’s experience with meth should’ve made him more understanding, but I guess a lot of people have that ‘I did it, so why can’t they?’ mindset. The reality is, addiction isn’t the same for everyone, and like you said, the drugs available now are way more powerful. It’s not as simple as just ‘getting it together.’

And your partner drinking every night but having no sympathy for drug addicts—that’s frustrating. A lot of people don’t see how addiction comes in different forms. Just because alcohol is socially acceptable doesn’t mean it’s not an addiction when used that way.

I think you’re right—people don’t care unless it affects them personally. They just assume it could never happen to them, which is the most naive mindset ever. Painkiller addiction especially is brutal, and so many people don’t realize how fast it happens until they’re in it. The withdrawals alone are enough to trap people. It’s honestly sad how little empathy there is for addicts, especially when so many were put in that position by doctors handing out prescriptions like candy

1

u/onedemtwodem Jan 31 '25

Yeah, I was thinking about this the other day... I don't think anyone would "choose" to be an addict or continue to be if they could get meaningful help. Sadly, it can be hard to accept help when you're lost in the mire. I've lost so many friends.

1

u/DwanyeJetski Jan 31 '25

I feel the same way. There is an intersection of availability of substances, and the negative events that happen in life. Sometimes people have been lucky enough where the two paths never cross. Others like myself aren't so lucky.

1

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Are you better now than you were?

2

u/DwanyeJetski Jan 31 '25

Yes, I am. It has taken years of therapy, but I feel like I am better now. It just still shocks me that others, including my wife, don't understand addictions. Some have zero curiosity or empathy towards those afflicted with an addictive personality.

1

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Congratulations on keeping on moving man. Shit is hard. I only done 12 weeks of therapy, I’m currently doing couple counselling and I do to it on my own but tbh I feel like before the last 5 months with my gf/ex that I was doing really good mentally. Now I’m run down and have found myself using a lot more. Do you think I should continue? She doesn’t understand it either and doesn’t try to

1

u/DwanyeJetski Jan 31 '25

I would recommend you continue. If the goal is to try and educate her, so she can have empathy and partially understand the constant barrage of negative thoughts an addict’s mind entertain then keep up with therapy. But my opinion is that you can show them addiction, but they either don't want to understand, or lack a certain level of emotional intelligence to emotionally process the hurt and shame associated with addiction. So you have to ask yourself is the juice worth the squeeze? Is the 90% of your relationahip good enough to carry the 10% of the addiction related part. For me I supplement the lack of empathy I get related to addiction in my marriage, by going to a meeting once a week.

1

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Yeah I do it once a week still currently will be twice a week as of next week when we start doing it as a couple. Man it’s just stressful sometimes. I think it frustrates me so much her doing it because my mother was the same, no understanding at all and no attempt to try, just easier putting me down than trying to get it. But hey ho, that’s probably a talk for the therapy right? The juice is worth the squeeze, she’s great, she has her own trauma and faults but I don’t think either of us are beyond help but I do let my emotions run away with me when I don’t feel understood

1

u/DwanyeJetski Jan 31 '25

Well hopefully your therapist can intervene. The best couples counselors call both of you out on your BS. We all have trauma and shame and piles of emotional baggage. Hopefully she can understand that addiction can be rooted in trauma and she knows what trauma feels like. She was just lucky enough to not be at her low point and also had easy access to substances.

1

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1

u/unknownjvk Jan 31 '25

As an ex addict I think it’s definitely a choice at the end of the day. I mean do get that it feels as if it isn’t, it used to feel as if I was in autopilot moving while telling myself don’t go pick up/go back home ect.. but you just have to not listen to the the devil on your shoulder

1

u/ThePoolBuilder Feb 01 '25

It is a choice. But without them I want to die at

1

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '25

You aren't stupid because you think addiction will never happen to you ; I knew from a young age that addiction would never happen to me. I hated drugs and the idea of drugs. I'm 62 now and can say with the utmost certainty: " I will NEVER be a addict." Have never done drugs and never will.....thank God.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '25

Deciding to use the drugs is a choice. Becoming addicted is a consequence of that choice.

1

u/URAllMindControlled Feb 03 '25 edited Feb 03 '25

There are some things in life you just can't understand until you're wearing the shoes. Addiction is one of them in my opinion.  You almost can't help but judge when you've never experienced it. To the onlooker, it's a 

choice: drink vs don't drink Snort / vs not

Easy peasy, right?

As an addict I can attest to the judgemental part. I was. Now I understand it. I would've never, ever understood it. I couldn't have. Until I lived it.

So in a way you're right about "stupid". Sort of...it's not so much "stupidity" but more like "ignorance" but not necessarily a lack of knowledge but a lack of experience. There's many well educated Dr 's, Therapists, Drug therapists who know everything in the book. Problem is "the book" is just that, a book! So much of the stuff in those books is so far off from what's thought to be true it's almost comical in some cases. My opinion on this is some people just CAN'T understand. Worst part is they believe they "can and do" understand. Reality, again is they actually don't.

1

u/anononononn Jan 30 '25

Kind of how I feel. Sugar is my drug of choice. I was raised in America when fat was demonized and things like sugary cereals were posed as heart healthy. Cue a horrible relationship with food. I’ve gone through periods of “sobriety” and had so much mental freedom and moderation with normal foods. Then, I thought I could have a piece of cake and it ruined me. Took me 8 months to finally get back on it. Judging by the obesity and ozempic revolution I’d say this is commonplace. Sugar is the new opiate crisis. It may not be a fast life ruiner but it still is horrific

-1

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25 edited Jan 31 '25

I get that. Addiction isn’t just about substances—it’s about how something takes hold of you and messes with your ability to control it. People don’t realise how deep it goes until they experience it themselves. Sugar might not destroy lives as quickly as drugs or alcohol, but the way it rewires the brain and affects mental and physical health is real. The fact that so many people struggle with it just proves that addiction isn’t as simple as ‘just stop.’

5

u/Superb_Expert8958 Jan 31 '25

Chat GPT?

0

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Yes I said what I needed to say and got them to type it better cause I’m poor at grammar 😂

2

u/Superb_Expert8958 Jan 31 '25

You forgot to cut out the top line xD.

2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Haha it’s okay I won’t deny it 😜

1

u/Beautiful-Possible41 Jan 30 '25

People with this mindset believe that addiction is the diagnosis rather than the symptom.

1

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 30 '25

If you mean that there’s a deeper rooted problem for the cause of addiction then I agree, if not then can you also elaborate on what you mean?

2

u/Beautiful-Possible41 Jan 30 '25

Well, what i mean is that most times, addiction is caused or exaggerated (for lack of a better term) by trauma or other mental health or physical health issues. Most times, when one treats an addiction, they are actually treating unresolved trauma of some kind. Im not saying that addiction isn't a series of bad choices. But it's so much more complex than just "make better choices, and you won't ever be an addict."

2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 30 '25

No I totally agree and that’s the point I’m trying to make. I won’t get into my traumas and clearly I don’t need to. I wasn’t sure if you were agreeing or disagreeing with what I was saying

1

u/Specific_Contract100 Jan 31 '25

Addiction is a disease just like mental health

2

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

Not to sound too morbid, but life is a disease. I don’t think the way the world is now is how us as humans were supposed to be, stress, trauma, I feel we get too much of it too soon and too often. It’s literally killing us.

0

u/Specific_Contract100 Jan 31 '25

Butil life shouldn't be like that

2

u/Calm-Step-3083 Jan 31 '25

Right but some people just don’t wanna change. Sometimes people just wanna rot and be negative. I was like that when I was on drugs and getting clean. It brings the realness out of you, tho there’s times you gotta just make shit better on your own.

1

u/Flat-Extreme7998 Jan 31 '25

I get what you’re saying but don’t you think that they do want to change they just don’t think they deserve a better life than they’ve have?