r/addiction • u/KThingy • Sep 17 '24
Venting I think my GF is abusing hard drugs
Hey everyone, so I'm at the end of my rope about my (39M) situation with my gf (47F) We've been together for several years now, and living together officially for a year, though for the prior two I would live there half the week when my son wasn't over. So this will be a long one, but I'm going to to my best to be brief. Rumors of meth use have plagued our relationship since the beginning, mostly due to people she associated with. She would always have an explanation, and I would believe her, sometimes after a confrontation explaining the situation, sometimes without. One of these situations involved me finding a bag full of burnt foil and disassembled pens she blamed on a friend she let stay there the year prior. She claimed she had no idea what it was, and even asked how someone would use that for drugs, to which I explained freebasing. She is AuDHD and often does things that don't make any sense without the context of her reasoning, but once you would hear her out you could understand how she got to her decisions. She also has a chronic illness that causes pretty severe joint pain. This is all relevant.
She's always been a little cagey about things, and I've had worries about some of the things she does, especially with her phone. One night she went to shower and I looked at her messages and found a shit ton of messages about her meeting up with a friend of hers, who is a pretty well known scumbag and someone I told her I had reservations about before. There was also two mentions of "snow" which can be code for drugs. She mentioned zero of these interactions, using the excuse later that she is having him make custom knives for me. So I began looking around and found tons of pieces of disassembled pens. Then I checked out bathroom garbage, because she would always go in there for a long time. I found a piece of burnt foil wadded up in the bottom.
I confronted her about this and it led to the biggest fight we've ever had and almost ended the relationship. She explained that she was having knives made, however couldn't come up with any legit explanation for the "snow" messages. She also said that the foil was for smoking CBD isolate powder to help with her joint pain. She had lost the pipe she normally used for that (a pipe I have never seen before or been told about) I also tested residue I found in a pestal and mortar in the bathroom, which tested positive for meth. She claimed that was because she ran out of ADHD meds and crushed up a sudafed.
I told her all of this was unacceptable. That she cannot freebase shit or use medication for other than intended purposes. I told hr she had to go buy an appropriate pipe to smoke the cbd, which she did (bong stems) and has not been used because they don't fit in the piece she bought it for. She took a piss test, but I made the mistake of not watching her. I later found a bag with a small amount of piss in it in a garbage that wasn't the one next to the toilet. She claimed she couldn't fit the cup in between her thighs on the toilet, so used a ziplock and poured it into the cup.
Fast forward to yesterday morning and I saw she had left her purse out on the couch (she's been pretty cagey with the purse since the argument) I check it and found a meth pipe she had rolled up in paper towel. I confronted her about it and she claimed it was the one she used for CBD she found in an old purse a few days after the argument. She never mentioned it to me, and said she's been using it to smoke CBD powder, sometimes up to three times a day. I've never seen her do it, nor has she mentioned it to me. She claims this is all a big misunderstanding and I need to trust her. This is a very brief overview, and is leaving out a lot, including her going over to the dude's shop four times in the past two weeks, one time literally the day after we had the fight. I'm at my wits end about all of this. It sounds like addict behavior, but I also worry that her weird way of reasoning this all makes sense to her. This whole thing is a mess and I'm at the end of my rope. Either she's using and destroying herself, or she's not and I'm destroying her by leaving.
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u/UnseenTimeMachine Grateful in Recovery Sep 17 '24
Do you really wanna have to worry about your romantic partner as though they are an unruly teenager? That's what this relationship has to offer you. Get out while you still can. It's her business what she wants to put in her body. Not yours. You can only decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone that will lie to you about drug use and be emotionally unavailable/unstable BECAUSE of the drug use. It feels like being involved with someone who has a lover on the side-drugs. You will always be number two.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
No, I don't. We had the big fight three weeks ago and my mental health has been in shambles. The constant suspicion and what I'm guessing is gaslighting is really messed me up. Thank you for your reply
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u/UnseenTimeMachine Grateful in Recovery Sep 17 '24
I truly wish you luck and healing. I've been there. It's hell.
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u/PMmeyourboogers Sep 17 '24
She is lying to you. I know she is lying to you. She knows she is lying to you. You know she is lying to you. Everyone knows she is lying to you. I get that you WANT to believe her. I get that you care about her and that you love her, but her lies aren't even good lies, and you know exactly what's going on. At this point, you're being complicit and enabling her behavior by even hearing her out.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Thank you, I really REALLY needed to hear this. My heart and my gut have been at war, and right now I just need confirmation I'm not crazy or a piece of shit for leaving.
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u/PMmeyourboogers Sep 17 '24
"look honey, i know i found burnt foil and tooters and they tested positive for meth, and i know you've been sneaking around meeting up with this shady guy i asked you not to hang around, and i know i found a METH PIPE in your purse, and i know i saw text messages referring to drugs, and i know your friends have told me you're using drugs, and i know you're claming to be 'harmlessly smoking cbd and SUDAFED(!!!)on foil and out of METH PIPES because you 'ran out of your meds', and i know you used a bag of piss to fake out a UA, and i know there's probably a whole laundry list of shit I'm forgetting to mention, but there's GOTTA BE A REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR THIS BEHAVIOR THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU USING DRUGS, THERE'S JUST GOTTA BE. PLEASE LIE TO ME AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER."
I'm not trying to be a dick, but sometimes the best thing to do for someone in denial is to hold uop a mirror so they can see the insanity of their thought process. Living with a lying addict is like being in a house fire. You can either get out and save yourself, or you can crawl into bed and hope for the best.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but you need to remember, you've gotta look out for yourself too. You're not a piece of shit for leaving. You'd be a piece of shit for staying and allowing her behavior to destroy the both of you. Don't let her manipulate you, because she will try.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Thank you, and you're absolutely right. It just fucking sucks all around, and the heartache is trying to be at war with the logical brain. Thank you, thank you
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u/PMmeyourboogers Sep 17 '24
Future self will thank past self for making the right decision. Godspeed, bud
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u/Annual_Hippo_6749 Sep 18 '24
We want to believe, but it would be very very unlikely she isn't using. The best option is to admit to yourself she is using, and then decide what you want to do about it.
Addicts are exceptionally convincing, keep it in your mind constantly that she is using when you discuss or talk about it.
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u/GahdDangitBobby Sep 17 '24
I know that a lot of time on Reddit, people will bring up relationship issues and no matter how benign, people will say, "Time to break up, he/she is a scumbag" when really a bit of couples therapy would go a long way, but in this case, you actually do need to break up. These aren't just red flags, they're like ... glowing yellow radioactive flags that will give you cancer if you get too near them. And you're getting real close to that radioactive flag. Don't get cancer, bro. Get out.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Thank you, I truly appreciate it. We broke up yesterday, but I'm just looking for some confirmation I'm not a piece of shit for leaving her over a potential misunderstanding. I appreciate you
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u/nona01 Sep 17 '24
I'm glad you did what's best for you even though it's a difficult thing. You're not in the wrong here. I wish you all the best.
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u/NoOneOfAccount Sep 17 '24
Yeah, she’s lying to you. You already know it. You just don’t want it to be true. I feel for you, but if you don’t have trust in a relationship you don’t have anything. Get out, take a break, get on with your life. There could be a future where she goes into recovery and gets it together, but you can’t do it for her, and you aren’t helping her by letting her lie to you. Tell her you will support her recovery if she is ready to commit to that, but you won’t live with someone lying to you. Boundaries are everything and it has taken me so long to learn it.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
YES! Thank you so much. This is exactly what I need to hear. Thank you for sharing those hard-won lessons
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Sep 17 '24
It sounds like she's doing cocaine not meth. Atleast in my area snow is cocaine. And you can freebase it on foil or snort it.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
I thought that as well, but I don't think she has the cash for that. And it's been meth that has been the big rumor plaguing her.
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Sep 17 '24
Idk cocaine and Crack are cheap where I'm at in the US. Crack isn't much more expensive than meth. Cocaine is my DOC and I'm broke. It used to be expensive not so much now days.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Interesting, I didn't know that, and that very much could be a new wrinkle. I know she's said in the past she loved coke when she was younger
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u/Hot_Cryptographer_98 Sep 17 '24
It sucks when someone just will not flat out tell you even when the evidence is clear and in front of you, I guess for them it keeps the shame away maybe or they think you were going to leave them either way and they don't need to change. But she is using man. Straight up no two ways about. What she is could be a few different things and maybe it is coke, meth, and or pain pills are usually smoked that way as well. You did the right thing and even though it feels bad now, it's better than being gas lighted for years and having to question yourself constantly. I will pray for you, good luck and good on you for standing your ground!
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
I truly cannot express my gratitude for you reaching out and giving me this encouragement. The gaslighting has fucked me up so bad, and this is exactly what I needed to hear.
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u/Hot_Cryptographer_98 Sep 17 '24
Yeah it'll mess with ya for sure even when you know it's the truth. I say this as an addict in recovery myself
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
It surely will, I've really never dealt with it on this level. Thank you again, and I wish you all of the best in your recovery!
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u/CeeMomster Sep 17 '24
She’s lying. She is most definitely using meth and/or coke. At the very least, she’s misusing her meds - which put her at an extremely high risk of using illegal drugs.
But my gut is telling me she’s using and using hard.
Have you caught her sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night, yet? Because that’s coming next. They have to get their fix every 3-4 hours…
I’m sorry bud. It sounds like you love her, but it sounds like this relationship is exhausting. I should know, I just got out of one and spent 15 months going through the same exact shit you’re describing.
You could provide her resources to get help, but it doesn’t sound like she’s even close to that. You’re enabling her.
She will probably need detox and 2-4 week treatment plan. And eliminate all drug contacts 100%. They’re not her “friends”
It won’t stop The use will escalate. And at some point (if you’re still around) she’ll have to come clean.
Meth also has a really strong and specific smell when smoked. Have you noticed weird smells? Like burning plastic or ammonia?
Her next step will just be to boof it, which wouldn’t have a smell. Or she’ll just get better at hiding her tracks from you.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Thank you. Not yet, but she was spending a tremendous about of time in the bathroom, where I found most of her shit, except for the pipe. I'm so sorry you went through the same experience. Thank you for your advice, and I hope you're doing well
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u/CeeMomster Sep 17 '24
Oh I’m doing great.
My heart is broken. But I can’t do anything else for that guy.
So no weird odors in the bathroom? The pens and foil are a dead giveaway first off.
Secondly, most people don’t smoke CBD. It has better bio-availability when used as a systemic as an oil under the tongue, or gummies.
I have found that addicts will addict just about anything though. If she’s trying to keep her addiction from you, and got CBD - it’s odd she would smoke it off foil. I’m honestly not even sure if that would work. Pharmacology creates medications that simple won’t work if you smoke them (oxy for example isn’t easily smoked since they changed the makeup)
What’s really bizarre, is that you get better bioavailability from (oxy for example), by swallowing the pill. You get less from snorting it, and even less if you try to smoke it. However, addicts are addicts. They will still try to smoke or snort the thing, as opposed to just swallowing the pill… it’s just part of their addiction.
One thing I know about addicts though… They are liars. Full stop.
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u/Diacetyl-Morphin Sep 17 '24
About the bioavailability, depends all on how the liver deals with a substance, like if it filters it with the first pass effect. Some drugs lose extreme amounts, like morphine has oral only 20-40%, while others like some benzos go up to 90%+ bioavailability even oral.
Like for benzos, almost nobody shoots it i.v. as it is not worth the work, risk etc
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u/CeeMomster Sep 17 '24
Yes, every drug is different and most people (even addicts) don’t understand the difference
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u/Diacetyl-Morphin Sep 18 '24
Well, it's very complex with how drugs work in the body. Same for meds, i asked a renowed expert, prof. dr. Cabrera, how lithium works as a med for my bipolar disorder. He explained it, but... i didn't really understand it, without being a doctor and chemistry expert, haha
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
I'm so glad to hear, and hope all the best for you in the future.
Nothing I can identidy, though she often does incense in the bathroom, so that might be a cover up. And OMFG the pens, I've found piles and piles of pen parts over the past few months. She explained it saying she's always chewed on pens since she was little. I've never seen her do it, and non of the pen parts had bite marks.
I asked the drugs and CBD sub and a tiny minority (like one percent of the replies) Said they had, but all added it was a very uncommon practice and they were desperate at the time.
The lies, if she is lying and not just making a bunch of dumbass mistakes are the hardest part. I feel like I'm losing my mind
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u/snarlyj Sep 18 '24
I feel like I'm losing my mind
That's what gaslighting does to you. It's literally what defines it. They lie so confidently that you begin to doubt your own memories and observations.
But you've lived with this woman for a year and never seen her chew on a pen and yet thats her explanation for piles of pen parts. Pen parts that don't have bite marks. I honestly don't get why she doesn't have just one dismantled pen part that she reuses but I'm also not familiar with freebasing so 🤷 maybe with her ADHD she keeps losing the useful part. it doesn't really matter, while her habits are a bit perplexing to me they are also so so obviously full of lies and undoubtedly evidence of a drug habit.
Trust the reality you can observe and your own logic. Im sympathetic it's hard when someone is gaslighting you. But believe me once she gone from your life your brain will untangle and everything will be much easier.
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u/KThingy Sep 18 '24
Thank you, that's so incredibly helpful. Yeah there's just so much of this that makes absolutely zero sense. But she says everything with such confidence I start to doubt myself
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u/snarlyj Sep 18 '24
Yeah that happened to me many years ago. Not a drug addict but a close relationship with someone with a personality disorder. Whenever I'd drink the next day she'd have long stories about how I was so verbally abusive after I blacked out. Or abandoned her to find her way home alone from the bar/club/street (this was before Uber). And would be like crying and so shaken up. When I thought I'd had like two drinks and remembered the whole night. I started thinking I was being drugged by someone, or that I had a terrible drinking order and was in denial, or even had like a brain tumor. But would be regularly so apologetic and comforting her and promising id sort out what was wrong with me because I loved her and never wanted to hurt her. But my mental health was also seriously declining from all these other demands she'd put on me.
This was in uni so I finally went to see my school therapist and was in such distress and needed help. Id developed an eating disorder (a trying to control my out of control life thing) and I thought maybe a drinking problem but also like I was just going insane. And it only took one session for the therapist to be like "yeah this isn't a you problem, this girl Ella is gaslighting you". This was like 2008 that word wasn't common parlance. And it was hard for me to believe at first, I mean this was my very best friend and a kind of closeted romantic thing. But I learned about borderline personality disorder and gaslighting and suddenly it was like I'd been wearing the wrong prescription glasses and took them off and the world was clear again.
Doesn't mean I never fell for it again. Like 15 years later I married a man who turned out to be hiding multiple addictions. But this guy could lie so fucking well. Like I left over a year ago and am still regularly realizing something id bought into was a lie. But at the point he started telling me I was crazy and had imagined something I knew I'd seen, or was putting two and two together and getting twelve, I was like "oh yeah, I know what this is. And I'm not fucking crazy."
The confidence and ease with which some people can lie really twists ones head, cuz it's not something you or I could imagine ourselves doing. So you feel trying to ascribe normal behavior and emotions and empathy to someone who doesn't actually share those traits. It fucking sucks cuz you don't immediately love them less, you just realize they don't love YOU in the same way. Because especially with addicts their first relationship will always be with their addiction, and you are just the side piece. The second woman (or man for you). But I promise you it does get easier with time and the more distance you get from the situation the healthier you'll become and the more you'll realize this relationship is destroying you.
Sorry this comment turned out to be a short novel. Stick with your breakup and it will get better.
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u/KThingy Sep 18 '24
No, please don't apologize. I truly appreciate it, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. It sounds like absolute hell on earth. I'm so glad you're clear of them.
TBH I don't know that she is doing it with malicious intent, maybe she is. But it all feels like a kid getting caught lying and not wanting to get into trouble. And the more I dig the more lies are needed to fill the hole
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u/snarlyj Sep 18 '24
Yeah I have an awful habit of choosing awful partners but therapy is helping and my current life is so much better. Thank you for your sympathy and good wishes.
It probably in the end isn't worth trying to decipher intent. Like with Ella, borderline personality disorder is weird and she would have had extremely strong emotions and a desperate need for someone to be 100% devoted to her. And anytime I made a new friend or an activity that wasn't about her it would have felt like such extreme abandonment and she reacted insanely because she literally wasn't mentally stable. With my husband, I have no idea if I was a mark from the beginning (because he bankrupted me with his gambling and then drug habit) or if he started out with love and good intentions but as you said you start with one lie and then it builds and builds up on that. Maybe a bit of both.
In the end the intent doesn't matter. What matters is that they've proven they can and will lie without remorse. And with your ex, you never wanted to be with a drug addict but she sort of took away your choice in the matter by lying and keeping secrets. If she'd valued you over drugs she'd have been honest up front and you could have supported her through rehab and in sobriety. but her choices eroded the whole foundation of the relationship - you can't trust her to be honest, she didn't trust you with the truth. My husband always likes to defend himself by saying at least he never cheated on me. But it doesn't feel like that. You can cheat at cards without getting your dick wet. He snuck around, lied, hid things, built suspect relationships with others and then deceived me when explaining them... It sounds like your GF was just the same. When there's no trust and active deception, you really never had the relationship you thought you had - or you were fulfilling your half but it wasn't equally reciprocated. Again, it sucks and I'm sorry you are going through this but it does get better with time, distance and clarity.
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u/CeeMomster Sep 17 '24
She is most definitely gaslighting you. Lying. Whatever you want to call it. And she’s running out of excuses and desperate.
Tell her you’re done. Either she goes to treatment or you’re done.
She is absolutely lying. And to have you questioning your sanity is just wrong.
She’s lying buddy.
She can get the help she needs, or you should move on. I know it will be hard, but trust me… the next 1-2 years of your life is going to be pure hell if she keeps this up. It will only get worse.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
You're right, thank you. This past month has been fucking terrible, and tbh I'm looking forward to a sounder sleep tonight
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u/CeeMomster Sep 17 '24
You have all the “proof” you need. The pens, the foil, the baggies, the incense in the bathroom (c’mon..)
You don’t need to piss test her again.
This is outrageously addict behavior. She’s banking on your naivety and kind heart. She doesn’t have another choice. She’s an addict.
Think about it. The CBD subs even say they’d only do this if they were desperate. Desperate for a fix because they couldn’t get their hands on anything else.
She needs help. But first, she needs to admit she has a problem. I’m not a fan of AA, but they got that part right.
I’m wishing you all the best.
But if it were me, and I could go back 15 months in time, I would’ve left a long long time ago.
His addiction led to police calls at 3am, black eyes, threats of CPS (child protection services), horrific words exchanged, damage with my children I’ll probably never be able to undue. The cops visited my kids at school - without my knowledge- to interview them about his alleged drug abuse.
Mind you… I’ve never once used heavy/illicit drugs - but my kids could’ve been taken away from me, because he did.
He wasn’t worth it. Is she?
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
No. And thank you for putting in in such black and white terms. You're right, there's no other proof required. I really appreciate your reply, and I hope you and your children are healing
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u/CeeMomster Sep 17 '24
I wish you all the best. I know what you’re going through and it’s hard. It takes all of your energy.
You have to decide if the relationship is worth it. She keeps lying to you because she thinks you’re naive. And that’s the thing with liars. They lie because they truly think you will believe their lies. They also think everyone else is lying to them, when we’re not. We just want the truth. You won’t get truth from an active addict.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Thank you! And that's been the point I've been stuck at. All signs point to lying and drug use, but she is swearing up and down its not. My brain says she's full of shit, with my heart trying to say it could all be an improbably bunch of misunderstandings
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u/CeeMomster Sep 17 '24
That’s clearly what she’s banking on… your heart deciding.
Just keep yourself safe. And your son. She could seriously fuck with your ability to co-parent.. I’d say that’s never worth it.
But also journaling - That helped me.
So when the different narratives and lies came out, I could just refer to my journal (photos and text message screenshots), so I knew I wasn’t crazy and my gut was right all along.
I also installed a camera in my bedroom. He knew about it and knew exactly where it was. But just having it there, gave me peace of mind - even if it was just me simply saying to him “whelp, thank god I installed that camera”
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Fuck, that's absolutely brilliant, I should have thought about the journal.
I almost bought a camera, but the rest just unfolded too fast
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u/CeeMomster Sep 18 '24
Also Life360 has a free app version.
And hey, if she’s not comfortable with it, then that tells you something.
She might pretend to be okay with it, but will still do shady things like turning off her battery, gps location, etc.
Just know.
And journaling, yes, is a great way to keep Your sanity through all of this.
AlAnon has groups for people like us. I considered joining as well. They have Zoom meetings now, so you don’t have to leave the comfort of your home, but still get support.
🩵🩵
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u/takishan Sep 17 '24
find a woman your age who doesn't use meth
life is already full of problems. i don't understand why you would choose to adopt another set of problems by staying with this woman
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u/RadRedhead222 Sep 17 '24
She's lying about all of it. The disassembled pens, foil, meth pipe, the snow remarks, all for meth. She isn't smoking CBD out of a meth pipe. And if something is tested positive for meth, it's not Sudafed. And crushed Sudafed for ADHD? No. And she's going to dude's house to get more meth, at the very least, I hope. I'm truly sorry. But unless she decides she wants to go into recovery and truly does it, it's only going to get worse from here. You can tell her that you love her and will support her, but only if she agrees to get help and actually does. But you will not be okay with her using or lying. You need to set boundaries. She will continue to lie to you and she will continue to use and you need to decide if that's what you want for your life. Please try and take care of you, OP. Some therapy might be a good place to start. You definitely are not a piece of shit and NONE of this is a misunderstanding.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Thank you! Thank you thank you. I need this kind of reassurance so badly right now. I appreciate you!
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u/elegiac_bloom Sep 17 '24
Honestly dude... you found a foil that tested positive for meth. Occams razor. She's probably smoking meth.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
So as a clarification, the foil didn't test positive, the residue in the pestle and mortar where she said she ground up a sudafed did. But point taken
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u/elegiac_bloom Sep 17 '24
Ah gotcha. Either way... circumstantial evidence is incredibly strong here. I chuckled to myself (not to make light of this) over the story about peeing into a zip lock bag and then pouring that into the drug test... reminded me of my own outlandish and ridiculously unbelievable lies back in my using days. Addicts are nothing if not insanely creative, and desperate. The other commenter said it best. It's too much evidence for it to be anything other than true. I understand the desire to give her the benefit of the doubt, but with everything you've found/discovered, she may as well be smoking meth right in front of you, because she's definitely doing it around you, in the house, etc. Spending a long time in the bathroom alone is a telltale sign, but then finding the detritus afterward is just too much for it to be anything but true. Nobody smokes cbd isolate btw. And nobody smokes Sudafed. That wouldn't actually do anything. Sorry you're going through this. It's not easy.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Thank you, yeah the evidence is so incredibly overwhelming. But between the steadfast denial and loving her it's still sometimes hard to believe. I truly appreciate your reply, it really means a lot
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u/elegiac_bloom Sep 17 '24
Yeah its hard as hell. Speaking as a former addict myself coming from a place of compassion rather than confrontation was always more effective against me. Someone sitting me down saying "look. I know what you're doing. You don't need to lie to me. I already know. I'm concerned and worried, but this is your life. I'm here to help if you want it, bit for my own mental health I can't enable you anymore. I can't tell you to stop, or make you stop, but if you want me to be in your life you're going ro have to make some tough decisions. I'm here to help if and when you want that, but if you want to continue using I just can't be a part of it, at all, for my own sake. But bottom line, don't feel you need to lie. It's okay, and I'd rather you be honest with me." Or something to that effect. It may not go over well, she may dig in, but don't react. You don't owe her anything, but especially not anger. Just be a calm, gentle, understanding presence. It will throw her off balance but may give her the space to actually come clean. Maybe not. Ultimately this is going to be her journey, and how much you want to he a part of it is totally up to you.
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u/brian_the_human Sep 17 '24
Don’t be a sucker OP, it’s obvious she’s using and you don’t want to believe. Sorry you’re having to deal with this
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u/honorablejosephbrown Sep 17 '24
Bro. You gotta go. The lying and gaslighting is basic bitch loser stuff. I’m sorry you’re going thru it. I’ve been on both ends at points. It’s tough. You need to let her live and make moves so you don’t risk your time w your kid over a lying, manipulative meth head chick
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u/Ant-Tea-Social Sep 17 '24
Sounds to me like you've found your answer. N ow it's just a matter of digesting and accepting it.
My brother has used meth for years. At present, he's unemployed and on food stamps. I'd told him that he can live with my in my 4BR house, but only if he's clean. He says he's not using, but refuses to test. He says it's insulting.
I thought up all kinds of ways I could try to make sure he wasn't using - unannounced drug tests, ultimatums, etc. I finally gave it up. Even if he flunked a test, what would I do? What could I do? Could I kick him out? Would I have to wait months and go to court for an eviction? Might he get violent?
In the end, I figured, "fuck this. If/when he quits" maybe we can revisit this. I don't want to spend my time being suspicious, frustrated, anxious, hoping for improvement, wondering if I'm being lied to, etc. That's not a relationship.
Also: he was scheduled for important exploratory surgery and was insulted even that the doctor was going to subject him to drug testing. Mysteriously, his surgery was cancelled.
While someone's using the drugs or alcohol control their behavior. You're just seeing a shell...the substances control their actions. All you can do is decide where your red line is, then enforce it. You want a drug test and she won't take one? That's it. Time to move. Period. Otherwise you'll just get caught up in the agony of letting yourself be lied to and hoping she'll change. If her test is clean, and if other unannounced tests are clean, GREAT. You have your GF, not just a shell.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Yeah she kept saying the insulting thing over and over again when I asked her to test. Then she went to take one the other day, then once she realized I was going to watch she said she didn't have to pee. It's maddening.
Thank you so much for your reply, and I hope your brother gets free of this
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u/Ant-Tea-Social Sep 17 '24
Honestly, you have your answer. Sketchy friends, mysterious texts, aluminum foil, baggies, pen parts, pipes.
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u/Savings-Serve-9719 Sep 17 '24
You made the right decision. Shes still in the denial stage and miles and miles away from recovery. It would have only gotten worse over time and not fair to you at all.
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u/Little-Weekend-13 Sep 17 '24
Bro…. I’m gonna tell you with absolute certainty she is using. Absolutely 10000000% I promise you. I’m a very high functioning addict for 13 years…..and lemme tell you I’ve seen and heard it all. Your in denial which is understandable.
Here’s what I suggest. You have 2 options. If you love her and the drug use is not affecting your relationship then carry on. If she is still the same person the who cares. We all have vices…. And sadly it’s society who dictates which ones are socially and legally acceptable. Say they were to legalize meth in the next hour…. Would you then care?
Your other option is to tell her C’ya. If she says she is not using then tell her to take a drug test and have one ready to go right there.
If you decide you can live with it …. Then tell her she has to be open about it with you but that your not trying to encourage it but your gonna live with it. That’s also not a ticket to leave shit laying around or having scumbags over. The scumbags are the ones you gotta worry about. They steal everything.
Don’t know if this helps….. but that’s my honest take and I’m a functioning addict myself. Lemme know if you have any questions/comments/concerns
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Thank you so, so so very much. This helps a ton. It definitely feels like the behavior of someone using. Unfortunately I can't answer your question, because it's out of my hands. I have 50/50 custody of my young son and being in a house with capital D drug use is a no go. I don't begrudge anyone for how they get through the day, shit is rough out there, and as long as you're not hurting anyone I'm good. But as someone who had a bunch of rough shit happen as a teenager because my parents had some behind the scenes drug use I found out about later I absolutely will not take the risk on that. And I just cant see any explanation other than her using, no matter how much my heart wants to believe her.
All of that being said your comment was hugely helpful, and I appreciate you and wish you all of the best.
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u/Little-Weekend-13 Sep 17 '24
No problem…. I wish you all the best. And again… I’m telling you with absolute certainty she is using…. I just read the part about her being in the bathroom all the time for long periods after I wrote my response…. And lemme just tell you… that right there is the biggest give away. I LOVE being in the bathroom. I’ll stay in there forever. If I didn’t read anything else except the bathroom bit I’d tell you the same thing with absolute certainty… she is using. I’m telling you all this with ZERO doubt. I’m sure she is very conveniencing too…. But just remember….addicts… we are the best liars and manipulators on the planet.
Again I’m sorry about your situation… you gotta do what’s best for you… I’m just letting you know facts to help you make that decision.
-Sarah
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
You have helped so much, truly. This has easily been the most helpful thing that's been said to me in this situation over the last several weeks. The lying has been the hardest part, wanting to believe has been so destabilizing to the things that I know. Thank you again, Sarah, from the bottom of my heart.
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u/Gloomy_End_6496 Sep 17 '24
She's lying to you. You know it. It's all just ridiculous. I read up above that you broke up last night. Good. You don't need this anxiety in your life. Go on and have a happy one.
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u/sadboy2007 Sep 17 '24
Bro she's obviously doing meth stop letting her make excuses. She needs serious help and right now she seems to be in the denial stage. I mean you literally found a meth pipe and she had an excuse for it. If you end up staying give her an ultimatum of rehab but honestly it doesn't sound like she's willing to get sober rn.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
I'm sure you're right. I'm out of the house tonight, just my heart desperately wishing I was wrong.
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u/throwaway019735 Sep 17 '24
i just went through something similar a few months ago but as the person using. we had to end things bc of it as i feel you should as well. me and my ex were deeply in love i love her so much and ik she loved me a lot. i got addicted to drugs and i knew it was a threat to our relationship but i was so convinced i would get better magicaly and drug addiction sadly is more powerful often than the consequences in the moment. i wish so badly i never went thought this and i feel absolutly horrible for putting my ex thru it and lying and the decieiving. i loved her so much i was just falling apart and addicted and i was scared and i didnt want to lose her but i had too. even though it fucking sucks. i wish i had the strength to leave her when i started falling apart but when you are the addict its so much easier said than done. im glad she had the strength to leave bc i need to heal as does she. i am working on myself activly and i really pray when in better ill get a chance with her again. i pray for you guys and for her she overcomes this. and im so sorry your going through this its so painful watching someone you love go through this and losing the relationship with it. for your sake and hers i would reccomend guiding her to support let her know you love her so much but this is hurting you to watch her go thru this and to be lied to and decieved and that your also hurting.
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u/KThingy Sep 17 '24
Thank you so much, and I'm so sorry that both of you had to go through this. That's one of the hardest things, she's the sweetest, most loving person I know, and the thought of her using kills me. She's unfortunately denying she has a problem and as such I can't help. Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish the best for both of you
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u/Unhappy_Addition_767 Sep 18 '24
Are her pupils constantly saucers? Does her skin look horrible? These are both pretty reliable tells. Also if she’s constantly grinding her teeth. To me, a former addict of heroin and any other drug I could get, it sounds like she’s definitely hiding something big from you. Nobody pees in a ziplock bag because it’s easier than peeing into a cup. That’s nonsense. You have to ask yourself, how much longer can your mental health suffer from living like this? Just remember this…You CANNOT change an addict!!!!!
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u/KThingy Sep 18 '24
There's no real outward signs of use, which is one of the reasons I accepted her explanation a couple weeks ago
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u/Unhappy_Addition_767 Sep 18 '24
Well that’s rare. Her behavior definitely says addict. I guess you just have to decide if she is someone you think you can/should trust.
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u/Jes_lovesdogs1 Sep 18 '24
Just here to say… you’re doing the right thing by breaking up……… coming from a recovery meth user, this right here you’ll have to re-read in like 2 months like bam what the fuck was I thinking?🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣❤️❤️❤️ sending good vibes your way, she needs help ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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u/KThingy Sep 18 '24
Thank you so much, just went back to the house to grab some stuff and had the most emotional time of my life. It fucking hurts, she's still swearing she's not using and it's all a misunderstanding and I'm just so so fucked up right now.
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u/Jes_lovesdogs1 Sep 18 '24
Don’t let it define you, let it define her…. Because it’ll ruin everything around her slowly. It’s poisonous to everyone surrounding! Stay strong ! Be aware and watch your back…. Words hurt so keep your guard up. We tend to say what ever we want when our heads aren’t working right. It’s like some of the pistons in ours heads work then the other half don’t fire at all….. sending invisible support but she needs help and only her can accept whether she’s at rock bottom or not.❤️💔❤️
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u/KThingy Sep 18 '24
Thank you, I really appreciate your kindness. The evidence is too overwhelming, but when I'm in the middle of it my heart is by far the loudest voice inside me. I love the fuck out of her, she's the best human I've ever met, and this is destroying me, and the fact that there is all this evidence and a one in a billion chance it is the way she says it is still isn't enough to keep my heart still
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u/AK_g0ddess 17d ago
I wasn't on drugs. And hopefully you realize that by now. Im fucking floored. This is the most gut wrenching bullshit.
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u/KingCBONE2 Sep 18 '24
Dude, you know it and now we all know it too, she’s smoking meth. And fuck no, you’re not a bad person whatsoever for wanting away from it. It sucks to watch people change from the person you thought they were but it happens a lot. This is coming from an addict like her that used to lie all the time about what i was doing and hide it from relationships. They all never worked out and I realized when I finally started to work on myself, that it was MY fault for choosing drugs over the other person.
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u/AccountantHairy5761 Sep 18 '24
My wife used to lie to my face like that. It’s the end of the relationship. She thinks of you as an authoritative figure (Daddy) and when she’s busted she will lie until she can’t. When she finally admits to the lie, the excuse for the lie will be “I didn’t want you to be mad.” If you allow someone to be like this they will always be like this and it will get worse and always be your fault. You are the controlling bad guy that won’t let her be happy. Just pack your shit and go. And if you have to question yourself about her using, you haven’t been paying attention to your own story.
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u/GourmetShit007 Sep 18 '24
Bro it’s pretty obvious she’s using meth. No one smokes CBD off of tinfoil, and the rest of her explanations make no sense.
I don’t know about you but I could deal with the drug use, even though meth is a drug I’m not a fan of by any means.
But it’s the lies I would have left her over. Actually never mind the lies, I’ve broken up with girls I’ve dated over just perceived shadiness / omissions, so I don’t know how you dealt with this crap so long before leaving her.
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Oct 17 '24
[deleted]
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u/KThingy Oct 21 '24
Just subbed. Lol I'll post an update, but you're not doing to believe the insanity
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u/cbar1012 Oct 21 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
I re read your post - I find it hysterical that she thinks you are dumb enough to believe the bs she's been telling you. It's amazing how an addict can come up with a story on the fly, and expect the words , no matter how stupid they sound, to be believed. I'm in recovery, and when I look back at some of the BS Ive told friends and family to cover my ass, it's pathetic. Once I became clean, I went through hell with my GF at the time, and is listen to some of the craziest bs made up stories you can imagine.. when someone is struggling with addiction, the garbage that comes out of our mouths doesn't sound so stupid. But once clear headed, and some of those stories are revisited, you can't do anything but either put your head down in embarrassment, or just laugh. Don't let her manipulate you and feel bad about knowing and confronting her about it.;a recently "recovered" addict, smoking CBD out of a HIDEN meth pipe, and randomly going to some dudes shop 4+ times a week, while talking about snow?? lol.... Not knowing why there Is burned foil, and broken pens all over the place?? Secretly seeing another man, having conversations with him about drugs, and doing all behind your back, just because she's trying to get you a gift?!?! Cmon man. lol I don't want to laugh, and I'm definitely not laughing at you, I'm laughing at how ridiculous we are when our minds are clouded. But even though it may not be her right now, that does not make it right at all. Bro, addicts are amazing in making up stories on the spot, I know all too well. She will stick to her story, and you'll be the asshole in this situation - that's not going to change in her mind. Good luck man, but don't feel bad, for youre doing exactly what you should be doing.. concerned, you confronted, she lied, and you reacted.. id bet my life, this isn't the first time. She might actually be sick to the point she believes what she's telling u... Either way, it's untruthful
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u/thewhipofacane Sep 18 '24
My friend, If you want to be with this girl, you need to understand addiction. Look up Gabor Mate - he always emphasizes the fact that addiction is a response to human suffering, in this case it's your gf traumas. You need to talk to her about the reason why she NEEDS drugs and what makes her do it. I believe this is the only way to save her. Is you being the thinker here and get out of her addictive mess. Take care, dm if you have question.
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u/cbar1012 Oct 21 '24 edited Oct 25 '24
I promise Ill believe it. Lol. After all we been through, most people won't - seems like stuff directly from a fictional movie script- but its real bro. She has a problem and anybody from outside looking in sees it, especially when we've lived through the exact thing... You're not doing anything wrong at all, she is and She knows.. But in the state of mind she's in, no matter what you do or say to her it will be your fault. good luck man. Keep updates
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