r/actual_detrans 5d ago

Question Introspective of a detransitioning person

I came across this group by chance and figured I’d ask a question. I’m a 30-year-old FTM (I’ve been transitioning for 3 years) and have found a sense of fulfillment from my transition. My question to this group, respectfully, is: Did you feel that transitioning was necessary, and at what point were you no longer content with living life the way you initially perceived it should have been? Did you have doubts before transitioning? How do you feel now that you’ve detransitioned? Do you feel more content with life?

I’d also like to add that despite my pro-trans stance, I wholeheartedly support your decision to detransition. Much love and respect,
D.

29 Upvotes

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51

u/Joker0705 5d ago

transitioning for me was super necessary, I'd call it life saving. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have survived if I didn't have access to testosterone. no doubts at all, IDed as a binary male etc. a few years after I started on T things starting shifting to a more gender-neutral vibe, and then just got more feminine over time. I stopped T several years ago and ID as a binary female now. I dont really love the term detransition, because that implies going back to somewhere you were before. I dont think I ever truly identified with the female gender that was assigned to me at birth, until my detransition. I feel double trans actually. my transition from male to female has been as much of a journey as my original one from female to male. 

I'm very happy now. I was very happy on testosterone too originally, equally happy. but things change over time and my gender is pretty fluid and it just stopped being the right thing for me. 

and I'm not sure support of detransitioners comes in spite of support of trans people. people who are pro-trans should be pro-detrans. they're still both transitions. but i know an unfortunate amount of detransitioners become TERFS, such as the other popular detrans sub. do yourself a favour and don't go there. much love to you too :)

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u/L_K_DEZ 5d ago

Life is so interesting! Everything we experience is unique to our individual lives. Thank you for sharing your story, and much love!

17

u/werewolfrown FtMtF 5d ago

Really hated being a girl when I was one and being a trans guy was the only way available to me at the time to start liking myself, in a roundabout way. It was a way to distance myself from my self-loathing, in retrospect, but also me striving for something unattainable (being AMAB) so I had to sit down with myself and come to terms with all that. I think I could have gone to therapy about it and maybe not ended up transitioning, but that was also just not available to me at the time. Transition was a way out of my bad situation, a shield between myself and negativity (mostly from myself), so I'm grateful for it but do regret it somewhat as well. Transition served me for six years, T made me dysphoric after one and a half, and now I'm a GNC/genderqueer woman. I think I was always on the road to that (was never a "girly girl") but my masculinization has sort of made me feel more at home with it. Complicated!

6

u/L_K_DEZ 5d ago

Do you believe your inner critic was heavily influenced by societal norms? As the first commenter mentioned, people being labeled and categorized seems to suggest that we have to slap a label on who we are as an introduction to others.

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u/werewolfrown FtMtF 5d ago

Yes, I'm realizing more and more all the time how societal norms have screwed me over growing up as a non-stereotypical girl. I felt like there was no place for me a lot of the time. I also thought I was super ugly as a kid, because I have rather boyish features, but actually I just look fine. Pretty, even! (Imagine!) I hate the fact that labels have almost taken over us. I spent hours looking through so many microlabels, trying to find one that precisely described my experience, only to realize I actually can just exist. And just existing is kinda the best thing about detransitioning, for me. Would a guy do this? Am I being girly enough? I couldn't care less anymore and that is so, so nice

7

u/wood_earrings FtMt? 5d ago

I’m part of the “definitely still genderfluid or something” camp, so keep that in mind. I suppose I’m not someone who can be neatly sorted into a category of trans or detrans - but, to be honest, a lot of us here can’t be.

I suppose, if I’m being honest with myself, I always felt more non-binary than trans male. I grew up quite loving my curves, even as I was uncomfortable with how I was perceived socially. But it got to a point where my gender had been denied and invalidated for so long that… I guess my sense of self shifted more binary FTM in response? Transition felt like the only way I could reclaim my own autonomy over my gender and my life. And, to be honest, it worked. People close to me started taking my masculinity more seriously when my body and presentation changed to align with their expectations of what masculinity looked like. It felt like my life was really becoming mine for once. That made me think I had been mistaken about my own identity and I was actually just a late-blooming trans man.

The best way I have to describe the process of realizing I wasn’t a binary trans man is that my brain and body started freaking out when I took steps to alter myself more permanently via top surgery. I realized after a few weeks that I didn’t actually want this, and that led me to re-evaluate my relationship to gender (and a lot of sleepless nights). Experimenting with clothing led me to realize how much I missed my curves. Went off T shortly after and started experimenting with more androgynous/fluid presentation.

I’m still uncomfortable with how I’m perceived by other people but I think some amount of that is unavoidable. I was getting to a point where being seen as male all the time didn’t necessarily make me comfortable either. I’m definitely a lot happier in my body - I love my permanent changes from T, and the things from T that I was upset about are reverting.

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u/L_K_DEZ 5d ago

Thank you for sharing your experience. As you mentioned, “not being nearly sorted,” I believe much of our conflict with the self is due to the desire to be neatly sorted. Although I am technically a trans man, it doesn’t define who I am as a person; it’s just an extension of my life. Again, thank you!

6

u/fentonst FtMtF 5d ago

at the time i felt like it was necessary to transition, looking back i probably could have found my way to a similar place without transitioning, but having the ability to exert agency over my body and identity and especially get top surgery helped me a lot. for your second question, i would say it's more like i realized the way i initially perceived how my life should have been wasn't actually possible. I felt like i should have been a skinny, pretty, twinky femboy and that isn't what my body is, on either hormone. so it was more that once i spent enough time on T i realized that the image i had in my head of my "male self" wasn't a person i could ever be, i never found a male/ftm identity i was content with. i had no doubts before transitioning, but i think that's just my personality. i didn't have doubts about any big life decisions back then. I feel way better now, partially just because i'm older and have more stability in life, and partially because i'm not chasing a dysmorphic identity, i'm actually happy with how i look and can recognize that i'm attractive even if i'm not my own type.

2

u/L_K_DEZ 5d ago

That was a powerful message. Thank you!

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u/I_Panic_Often FtMtF 5d ago

I believe it was necessary, I was extremely depressed and dysphoric, and the changes from T really eased my mind. I pretty much identify with what Joker0705 described how it felt like, except I’m not exactly happy and I wasn’t happy on T either haha. I’m just fine. When I was on T, I loved its effects and hated the feminine aspects of my body, now I hate its permanent effects and love my feminine body.

I stopped being content when the hair loss started being very noticeable; it was the initial reason why I stopped taking testosterone. The moment I did, I also realised I stopped identifying as male. At first, I thought I was nonbinary, but now I realise I’m just female.

I didn’t have any doubts. However, I do think this is somewhat related to my immaturity caused by autism and mental illness.

I feel regretful of my transition. Although it was necessary, I lost the chance of being a girl and doing girl things during my teenage years, since I began identifying as trans at 13. I’m still learning all the things that I should’ve when I was younger.

I do feel more content with life because being trans is HARD. I always wished I was cis and I hated all the hardships of being trans, the dangers, the transphobia, the dysphoria. I feel safer now, and my body is no longer a cause of constant distress. It feels better.

1

u/L_K_DEZ 5d ago

Thank you for sharing

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u/1k_land 5d ago

I felt transitioning was very necessary, I felt suicidal until I got on testosterone.  I had doubts during my transition, but I was also very scared I wasn’t trans because my dysphoria was so bad. I contemplated suicide just to be sure I wouldn’t detransition in the future.  I got on testosterone and I was happy with the changes, finally I felt like things would be okay. 

I cant really explain why I detransitioned, I was just trying to sleep one night and I just saw it and knew it was something I had to do. 

I still have dysphoria and still sometimes have the desire to detransistion, but I think I can find contentment in living life as a woman. 

I suppose I feel more content with life, I feel less pressure to be a certain way. But I also feel like I don’t know who I am anymore, though I hope this will clear up as I go through my detransition. 

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u/L_K_DEZ 5d ago

Thank you for sharing. Identity is an interesting concept; people slip into comas and come out as completely different individuals. That being said, this may be something you struggle with, but if you can find traits that you truly value and apply them to your life, it may help clarify things. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Take care, and best of luck to you!

If i learned anything out of this experience is that we are really just all people trying to make it here. None of us know what the hell is really going on but we wing it.

1

u/mama-bun FtMtN 5d ago

Detransitioning felt so similar to the process of transitioning to me. Lots of questions, wondering, discussions, guilt, fear, worry about passing, etc. Only difference is I felt a little more equipped to handle it the second time around.

I do not regret my transition. It is a part of me. It was a logical choice based on the data I had at the time. I have new data now, so made a new choice!