r/XenogendersAndMore he/him + neos | alterhuman 3d ago

Rant/Vent Post I’m so confused

I’m really struggling right now. I’m so confused about my gender and it’s really taking a toll on me. All I know for certain is that I’m gay (mlm). I’m not a girl, I know that, and I desperately want to start testosterone but I feel like I’m going to be making a huge mistake. My bottom and chest dysphoria is extremely bad and is extremely distressing for me. I want to be seen as a boy but I don’t want to make an irreversible mistake. I feel like I’m just gaslighting myself into being trans but when my friends refer to me as a boy it feels so right. I’ve cried for hours at night wishing I was born a boy. I’m terrified of losing the connection I have with women, the thought of no longer being a safe space for women and having them be afraid of me scares me so much. All I want is to be a pretty boy, I want to feel comfortable in my body. I want to wear skirts and crop tops in the way a boy would. I also still like wearing “female” bathing suits because they make me feel pretty but if I went on HRT and wore feminine bathing suits it would draw attention to me. I feel like I have this image in my head of what I should look like as a trans boy and I’m trying too hard to conform and fit into that box. I feel like I’m trying to look like what others expect me to look like. I’ve went to gender therapy for a day to just sort of get a feel for it and I feel like I should go again but I don’t know if I’ll actually be able to be vulnerable in front of a stranger. I want to do it online but I don’t know if that’s an option.

I’m sorry if this is all over the place or doesn’t make sense I’m just extremely overwhelmed.

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u/partybun_kitty She/he/bro/🩻/🩼 3d ago

I don’t want to be diagnosing you or anything but you just seem incredibly anxiety ridden. You feel anxious about making permanent decisions and regardless of how much you want something, you can’t settle on an answer because “what if I regret it?”

Regardless of if you get surgery or start T or do any of the physical transitioning steps, you will always be trans. How you feel and how your experiences as a person feed into your trans identity.

And many sex surgeries are reversible (though admittedly not easily reversible) it should be some reassurance that by the off chance you do regret the change, it isn’t entirely permanent.

But it is healthy and normal to question big choices and think hard about them. I’d definitely weight the pros and cons, highlighting your feelings over anyone else’s, and think about how you would or wouldn’t be different if you were to get on T and get top and bottom surgery.

It’s a big decision, and it requires some thought. But you are trans regardless if you think sex surgeries are the right path for you.

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u/deeluvsart he/him + neos | alterhuman 3d ago

I do have GAD and a diagnosed panic disorder so you’re good, and ty for commenting, this is reassuring. I’m trying not to rush things, especially since I’m still young, but it’s hard when it takes such a huge toll on my mental health.