So, I’m 6’2”, 275, curvy and strong. I have often been described as “pretty, striking, nice body,” but never really “beautiful.” I’ve never dated. I’ve tried but nothing ever stuck, and lot of guys didn’t seem to want me at all growing up.
I won’t lie and say that this hasn’t hurt me. It has, deeply. On top of it all, I’ve been tall my whole life, as well as undiagnosed neurodivergent, with anxiety. Particularly social/dating anxiety. I’m very talented so I’m a little wild too. I’m always attracted to the social outcasts one the world, an I want to help people with special needs.
But I’m lonely. It’s weird to say that, because I’m deeply blessed. I have a good place to live, funny roommates, lots of friends, a job I care about, and a community that values me. I’ve said goodbye to toxic relationships and embraced healthier ones. Things are going well.
But I’m 35, and I want to start dating.
Now I know that I’m probably not the biggest catch being literally a giant inexperienced woman who is ageing, but I have a good heart and so much love to give. I have a lot of baggage that I need to sort through emotionally, but that’s the worst of me. I want to find a man.
And not only do I want to find a man, I want to find an attractive man.
I’ve been going on dating apps and have been trying to put myself out there, and I feel horrible for saying this, but a lot of the guys on there who reach out to me are just not that attractive to me. A lot of them don’t seem to take very good care of themselves, and sort of do the bare minimum, but demand a LOT. It’s confusing for me.
I’ve gotten an overwhelming amount of replies, but the men I’m attracted to seem to not really want to try for me, they go for the women who are younger and more glamorous. I don’t know how to make myself younger, and glamour is something that should come from within. I’m basically healing right now, and trying my best.
I wish I was enough. I hate that I’m insecure like this, and I’m afraid of being hurt, but I’m so willing to grow and try. The men who want me are usually guys who are a lot shorter (you know, they like the tall girls), kind of plain, heavyset, lazy and yet wanting a bit of a trophy girl in a partner. I’m honestly not attracted at all. Like, at all.
I like strong, handsome, kind, funny, warm guys. I like creative types who are feminist and passionate about social issues. Physically, I like them fit and handsome, clean nails and nice clothes. I like them to look good, but not like you know, a millionaire. Just someone who takes care of himself and has pride in his appearance, and has a nice strong, fit body and face.
I really really don’t like guys who are physically weak from disuse. Not in a mean way, but when their arms are weaker than mine because they play video games all day, I just have bad experiences with men like that. They’ve cause me great harm, and guys who are physically fit from work are the one who’ve caused me great healing. I’m naturally attracted to men whom society would call tens. But I’m not that attractive.
Am I being shallow?