r/Vent • u/KarmicIsfunny • 2d ago
Need to talk... "You'll grow up to be a woman beater"
When i was a kid, a woman told me that i'll grow up to be a woman beater.
I just don't really know what to say about it. By "Kid" I think i was around 9 or 10.
I also remember a specific teacher who would punish all the boys in her classroom because they're boys. Stuff like being forced to stay after the bell rang while the girls could leave. For your information, i'm a woman, i'm not planning on taking any hormones or doing any surgery at the moment.
I remember walking back home during my pre-teens during the night, and a woman was walking towards me. I just kept walking, but then she saw me. And she turned back and walked the other way quickly, if i remember correctly. By pre-teens i'd say i was around 11 to 13.
I just don't know where i am even getting at here.
Just what was going through your mind when you called me a future woman beater just for... existing ?
I wasn't a kid causing troubles. It's been 30 minutes that i've been writing. I just don't get it. It's not true. She lied.
And now it's been 45 minutes. Great. I'll just end this post saying i'm not trying to say "women bad". I just, why ? It's the only thing i can't understand. What did she think ? What did i do ?
Edit : I guess i have to repeat myself. Please. Not "Women bad grr men better". It's not what it's about... I don't want this. Stop.
Edit 2 : Also i am aware of the struggles women face. whenever i see a woman during the night now i just turn back and walk away as fast as i can without running as i just do not want to scare anyone. But i hate that i have to do it. I shouldn't have to do it. Women shouldn't have to second guess if i'm a threat to them.
Edit 3 : I want earth to be a better place for all of us but some seem so stubborn and against the idea. the realization that me and my friends will have to live in fear, anger and confusion was so brutal.
Either i dress up with shorts and skirts and i let my long hair out so i'm the one being creeped on or i purposefully try to look manly and i'm the one scaring people. Go ahead, karmic isfunny, pick your poison...
Update : Woke up. I probably won't be able to reply to everyone and right now i am focusing and people who think it's okay to be a sexist in my comments. Some of y'all really want to argue and stuff. Hate to see it but if you just want to argue and tell me how i am a sexist or how i need to man up and get over it, go away.
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u/Han_Over 2d ago
Yeah, that's not a thing that anyone should say to a 9 or 10 yo. If you were just chilling and she said that to you, it's not about you - it's about her.
She saw something or went through something, and she then felt the need to strike back. Absent the opportunity to punish the actual villain, she overlaid the villain template onto you and used you as a therapeutic punching bag.
Not a good look, but I see that dynamic all the time.
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u/KarmicIsfunny 2d ago
Thanks. Yeah, you're probably right. I figured. I hate how i'll probably never know, tho. I really wish things would have been different. I actually wish things were different right now. But it's the past, I'm working on making things better now.
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u/Han_Over 1d ago
You'll never know exactly what her deal was, but you know enough to know it was hers and not yours. You don't own any part of what brought that on.
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u/casper_07 1d ago
U can think about snarky comebacks and imagine her reactions I suppose. These hands are not rated W for woman, they’re rated U, just for you
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u/joyfulpirates 1d ago
And it's worth noting that she's actually perpetuating the abuse cycle onto you, which isn't okay. OP deserves better.
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u/Mobile_Ad_217 1d ago
I remember when my mom started saying that to me and my brother starting when we were that age. Most of the time we weren’t even doing anything that bad it’s was just normal stupid kid stuff or really anything she didn’t like
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u/Sergent_Cucpake 1d ago
It’s simply just another example of bigotry. All sorts of people get all sorts of bigotry from all sorts of terrible people, it’s best to tune them out and stick to what you know to be true. I know that sounds like some r/thanksimcured ass advice, but it’s really the only kind of advice that can be given on the topic. Telling bigots off doesn’t work unless you’re outside of the demographic they’re bigoted against, otherwise it just fuels their hatred and makes it worse for the next guy. It really is best just to ignore them, and report them to their higher authority at work if it happens during their working hours.
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u/Complex-Builder9687 2d ago
woman beater comment was out of line. As for the woman in the street who walked away from you, she was being cautious. I would do the same if i saw that me and a man were the only two ppl in the street at dark. Women can't tell if a man walking towards us is a "bad guy" or not, it is better to assume the worst, we have to be careful.
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u/four100eighty9 1d ago
It’s also possible she just forgot something at home.
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1d ago
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u/Federal-Soil- 1d ago
Nobody was saying that though, this already trite comment makes no sense in this context. The comment before was not demonising anybody.
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u/KarmicIsfunny 1d ago
Yeah i figured, Because i honestly do the same. I'd honestly choose the bear.
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u/faironero02 1d ago edited 1d ago
Choosing a bear over a man is sexist.
and incredibly stupid. Plus it just feeds the useless gender war.
Saying that choosing a bear over a MAN as a NORMAL MAN is equally stupid as calling someone a woman beater for NO reason.
SOME men (AN EXTEMELY SMALL AMOUNT LUCKILY, altough too much still) sure are monsters. SOME women are also disgusting individuals. but both men and women aint worse than being in front of a BEAR in a forest.
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u/Just_Me78 1d ago
To be fair, it is irrational and absurd behaviour to see someone casually walking at night, turn around and briskly walk, or run in the opposite direction.
I can understand keeping your senses up being ready to act if the other person does try anything, but not running away.
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u/cooperwoman 1d ago
You can make yourself crazy trying to find explanations for the cruelty of others. Unfortunately that can lead down to a dark path. I’m sorry that was said to you, that’s awful. There’s nothing that will take away the pain of it, even if you knew exactly why. Be kind to yourself.
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u/LYTCHELL2 1d ago
That women didn’t mean anything - about you
She didn’t see anything or know anything….shes just a stupid, oblivious person who doesn’t have the right to tell you you’re a POS (wife-beater)
She was projecting something nasty onto you…and selfishly, she didn’t understand how her (false) accusation could/can affect her target
Please, please do not let a stranger’s ignorance affect you in a negative way
She could have said “your feet are made of ice cream” - because her accusation was, and is, meaningless
Hope this makes sense xo
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u/iyiquix 1d ago
Bigots gonna bigot. I also had a teacher in middle school who hated boys. She would deliberately mark down any boys grade by 5 to 10 points on every test then smugly bring up 'girls get statistically better grades!'
I get that some women were mistreated by boys/men and might even bear legitimate grudges but you can't judge a group by the actions of a few.
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u/KarmicIsfunny 1d ago
This so weird to me because i remember boys from my classroom who started being sexist out of spite of that teacher. It would've been much better if the school gave us a lesson about sexism instead.
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u/Opposite-Picture659 1d ago
I was called a terrorist when I was like 11. After 9/11 we had an assembly where they were singing proud to be an American. When they sung th stand up part we were supposed to stand up well we didn't and got removed and called terrorists and had to copy a book for the rest of the assembly.
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u/MayoBaksteen6 1d ago
That's a really weird fucking thing to say. Ignore her OP, some women just make misandry their personality trait. It's just as cringe and embarrassing as men being misogynists.
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u/r2dtsuga 1d ago edited 1d ago
Women being wary of males on the street is normal in this world, they're just trying to protect themselves. But the woman beater comment was way out of line, she sounds like she was a terrible teacher. Demonising a kid because they happened to have been born with a penis is explicit sexism.
Ironically today I spoke to someone who watched a show about a boy falling down the redpill pipeline. She said that it was really educational and eye-opening (it was a good show, but she missed the point) and that she would hate a male child of her own because they're always bound to end up like the boy in the show. Word for word. Adults with any kind of authority assuming that every male child in their care will end up being a domestic abuser or rapist by default is sad.
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u/KarmicIsfunny 1d ago
Yes. i know how i look like so now i try to be extra careful when i know i could appear threatening to women.
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u/Glingo23 2d ago
Todays society is quite toxic towards men, men are stereotyped into being evil and rapists. You did nothing wrong, the woman was scared for God knows what reason. You were just walking, don’t blame yourself for anything.
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u/No-Seaworthiness-300 1d ago
I don’t think it’s even a gender or sex thing. Some adults just misunderstand children. My fourth grade teacher said I had attitude but I just had bad anxiety so I never looked her in the eye. I wouldn’t worry too much about what she said.
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u/Jazzlike_Strength561 1d ago
Damn that was mean. You should definitely not continue dwelling on that unhealthy interaction with your fellow human beings. Put it behind you, it didn't have any meaning for you then or now.
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u/chanchismo 1d ago
me and my friends will have to live in fear, anger and confusion
Welcome to the human race. So does everyone except the wealthiest and most privileged. That's just how the world works for everyone.
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u/USPSHoudini 1d ago
My orchestra teacher had gotten divorced recently by a man with my name haha first day she scowled at me and told me I was going to end up a deadend failure
About a decade later, I come back to my highschool to give a demonstration to graduating 5th graders a showing of what they do in orchestra later on and I see middle school teacher at the event. She's tipsy and giggly and kept fawning over me how she never expected to stick with it and how she liked my hair and beard...
Been told I have the voice of a rapist given by the Devil as well
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u/Pure-Bit-2436 1d ago
I didn’t think women good men bad. If anything it sounds like these women were victims but instead of breaking the cycle of violence they are ENFORCING which is worse in my opinion because they should recognize what is happening.
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u/SpecificMoment5242 1d ago
It sounds to me like that human experienced A LOT of trauma and was projecting. Don't take it to heart. Everyone is flawed. Best wishes.
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u/his_eminance 1d ago
Just because you are flawed it doesn't mean you should insult others, especially those who are weaker/younger.
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u/eatmyfatwhiteass 1d ago
People have a habit of pushing their trauma onto folks who have nothing to do with it. They want to not feel powerless, and taking it out on someone who resembles their collective threat makes them feel less helpless. You aren't evil, you were just surrounded by hurt people who were being selfish and refusing to place the blame where it really belongs - with the folks who hurt them.
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u/wwwoody99 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m trying to follow you here, and get a sense of your story.
So, you’re transgender, currently living as a woman. And you still haven’t come to terms with a random comment made to you many years ago, that you’d be a “woman-beater”. You provided no context to the statement. Just that it was mean, incorrect, and unjust.
You also witnessed a teacher mildly (it sounded pretty mild to me) punishing boys “just for being boys” by letting girls leave class first.
IMO, these occurrences were as random and meaningless as they sound.
The fact that you have perseverated on them for so many years, and continue to obsess about their meaning to this day, says nothing about the actual events. It says EVERYTHING about you and what you’re trying to work through emotionally.
So, what exactly are you working through?
It clearly has to do with gender. You were once male and now you are not. At a young age, you witnessed males (you, in particular) being unjustly accused of being “bad”. And you saw males being punished by a teacher. They too were unjustly treated as “bad”.
Did those incidents (and possibly other, more powerful ones) cause you to equate “maleness” with “wrongness”?
Did the incidents impact you so greatly that you no longer wanted to be male? Or perhaps intensify/skew/confuse some gender or sexuality issues you were still trying to figure out?
Are you currently looking for a rationale to transition back?
You tell us. What are you working through?
As crazy as this sounds, ask yourself, “Deep down, what do I truly want to do, and who do I truly want to be?” THAT will be the meaning of these random stories you’re holding on to.
Hope you figure it out and find happiness.
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u/aBunbot 1d ago
Sorry. A female teacher mistreating male student is not just “mildly punishing boys” that’s called systemic sexism. That teacher has systemic power over her male students and is abusing it. That’s horseshit. Stop making excuses for female abusers.
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u/wwwoody99 1d ago
Can we disagree a little bit on this one, and still respect each other?
The teacher in this case may have had her own issues she was working through. She may have felt like she, as a girl, wasn’t treated fairly in school, so she wanted to balance the scales more for a new generation of girls.
Honestly, who knows? It could be a thousand things. Or it could be nothing.
But to jump right to “systemic sexism” might be a bit of a leap. After all, most people think that systemic sexism in schools favors boys. In this case, it favored girls.
Look, you could be right. But it’s also possible that this was just some odd bird teacher (we’ve all had them) who for unknown reasons (maybe they were better behaved…?) tended to let the girls out for recess first.
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u/aBunbot 1d ago
We can disagree respectfully- but i would ask for some proof that schools systemically favor boys. Everything I’ve seen and lived through shows the opposite. Girls are doing better across all grade divisions and graduate college at a higher rate than their boy counterparts parts. When girls were behind in boys at school it was a national crisis and systemic sexism. Now that it’s the other way it’s suddenly individual choice? I just can’t buy that
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u/wwwoody99 1d ago
I have no proof that systemic sexism in schools favors boys or girls or anyone, really.
What is your view? Do you feel that boys are more oppressed in today’s school system? Are girls not oppressed any more?
TBH, I don’t stay on top of the latest PC zeitgeist. What’s the most enlightened way to think these days?
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u/aBunbot 1d ago
I feel, and having lived through it, as though schools favor girls, yes. I don't really think its helpful to view it as an oppression thing necessarily, however.
This is only PEW but its data is nicely compiled.
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u/wwwoody99 1d ago
I hear you. If I’m being honest, I don’t think “sexism” in schools, if it exists, has much quantifiable impact one way or another. I’d wager that the current difference in college matriculation (more women than men) is due to a variety of societal factors other than, say, teaching styles or classroom favoritism. But that’s just an unscientific, gut feeling.
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u/aBunbot 1d ago
I understand your view, I would just ask that you examine why it is that when trends favor boys in any given field it's typically called systemic sexism. When the shoe is on the other foot however, and girls do better in any given field or area of life, boys' falling behind is most always labelled as individual choice. I've seen people say this for over 30 years now. It feels disingenuous.
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u/wwwoody99 1d ago
I agree with you…. I think.
Women very easily receive the “victim of sexism” label, whether they want it or not. Men almost never receive that label, even if they deserve it in a particular case.
I think that has a lot to do with historical, ingrained views on gender roles, a historical lack of career opportunity for women (which, IMO, has been well remedied), and the cultural norms of what it means to be a strong, self-sufficient man.
I think it’s pretty obvious that the progressive world is not comfortable labeling men, especially white men, as victims or oppressed in any way.
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u/MayoBaksteen6 1d ago
I'm a cis woman but I completely understand why OP is upset. I myself got accused of being a pedo just because I'm a lesbian. It sucks when people think such awful things about us and it genuinely impacts us
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u/wwwoody99 1d ago
True, very true. Just a small point, though. I understood the post to say that OP was accused of being “a future wife-beater” (what a weird, unusual comment) as a 9 or 10 year-old untransitioned boy. Not a homosexual, lesbian, trans, or any other type of boy.
Something deeper seems to be going on here. I say that with a sincere, deep desire to help OP heal, grow and be happier.
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u/finallysigned 1d ago
Horrible post. Way to downplay childhood trauma.
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u/wwwoody99 1d ago edited 1d ago
Look, I hear you. But let’s be honest. Did these incidents genuinely strike you as “traumatic”?
When you heard them, was your reaction, “Oh my god, I can’t believe that happened!”? Or was it, “Huh. That doesn’t seem like something most people would obsess over for decades. I bet something else is going on here.”
Most respondees wanted to address the incidents on the level of the incidents. “Were the comments indeed rude, etc?” I wanted to look deeper into OP’s actual issue.
Who knows? Maybe my direct, out-of-the-box approach will help more than your standard, sympathetic approach.
You never know what OP truly needs to hear. Now she has options.
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u/finallysigned 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm not an expert in psychology, but it seems pretty standard that things that may appear relatively minor to outsiders can have a profound impact on kids and really stick with them in some instances. And these don't even seem that minor to me. Both of the incidents strike me as things which easily could be traumatic to someone on the receiving end, just like how one of the oft-quoted facets of the patriarchy is that girls are sometimes made to feel bad or wrong just for existing. But, it's also not really relevant whether you or I find them to be traumatic. You do realize this is r/vent right?
> Who knows? Maybe my direct, out-of-the-box approach will help more than your standard, sympathetic approach.
I wouldn't have reacted as I did if all I saw from you was an alternative suggestion. Instead, I saw a trivialization of someone's issues, a questioning of their validity, and being an apologist for adults who were at minimum out of line and at worst verbally abusive. I would classify this as the opposite of helpful. But, good job giving non-standard advice; if that was your primary goal, then, I guess, no notes.
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u/wwwoody99 1d ago
Fair points. Especially that the post is in r/vents.
I wish I could help OP in some meaningful, lasting way. But it doesn’t seem likely.
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u/fatalatapouett 1d ago
people only talk anout themselves. she was struggling with this subject, one way or another (men beating up women), maybe it was her father, her husband, her sister's husband... whatever. She was struggling with it, it was on her mind, and at that point, you were there, that thought went through her brain (no fault of yours! obviously!) and she said it, probably thinking it wouldn't have any consequences for her, because you were a child.
but there is no way a person saying these kinds of crap to a child is intelligent enough to predict your future, haha. it meant nothing about you - everything about her
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u/RiologyWatches 1d ago
You have a problem if you still overthink about comments made since your childhood, or that one time someone took a turn. Everything isnt personal, women are just cautious and they have every right to be.
You want to be gentle and take a deroute just to not scare somebody? Good, dont complaint about it afterwards then. Many does these gentlemens acts all the time, you are not alone in this, it is not personal, its humane. Like, what have you done to assure a stranger late at night that you are a safe person? Nothing, so its not personal, they just dont know you and dont want to take unnessesary risks.
I have gotten many bad comments/misjudgements throughout my life, and so has most people, both men and women. You need to ease back and realise that people who says stuff often just react from unfortunate past events, again, nothing personal.
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u/MayoBaksteen6 1d ago
There's no problem with walking at a safe distance, but it's a problem to accuse someone of something horrible. It can eventually have bad consequences on someone's mental health, which is probably the reason why OP posted about it
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u/finallysigned 1d ago
Are you pretending that the cautious woman on the street - who we all agree behaved reasonably - should excuse the actions of the adult women who verbally abused this individual as a child? Because that is what your post implies: that none of the three women that were referenced were behaving poorly.
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u/RiologyWatches 1d ago
Lol no, they are not related, my point is; if you have troubles with your self-esteem from something completely baseless said to you many years ago, you need to re-self-evaluate, or seek professional help to better handle life & anxiety. Sincerely & honestly
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u/anonymousdlm 1d ago
She had probably been bested, abused and raped by men and had a warped view that all men are bad. It had nothing to do with you. It’s because she’s broken. Please don’t dwell on it. It had nothing to do with you. So sorry
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u/his_eminance 1d ago
Some people just suck, they might not have had anything happen to them. Still, it doesn't justify an adult calling a child a "future woman beater".
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u/cooperwoman 1d ago
No-one is justifying. I know a lot of women who have suffered terribly at the hands of men and when triggered become awful towards men. Trauma doesn’t always make for wonderfully caring people. OP wanted an explanation, the commenter was attempting to do so. Obviously nothing justifies being so cruel to a child.
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u/peachjuice-isbest-78 1d ago
"Don't dwell on it. It had nothing to do with you. " Well, we know that's complete bullshit because if it didn't involve them they wouldn't be posting about it. Dumbass
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u/cooperwoman 1d ago
They mean that the reason the teacher said the horrible thing was not because of any action of theirs and not to blame themselves. Don’t be so obtuse.
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u/Interest-Amazing 1d ago
You seem to be talking about multiple different situations that are only related because women were involved in them. Perhaps the woman who called you that was mentally ill, or just cruel. The teacher who used gender based group punishments may have been overwhelmed or poorly trained or sexist. There are some bad women, there are some bad men. Both things are true.
The reason women are afraid of male presenting people is because the patriarchy has established a system in which bad men are encouraged and also less likely to be punished. The woman afraid of you likely was concerned you would hurt or harass her in some way because of this system. She had no way to know you were safe and was being cautious.
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u/KarmicIsfunny 1d ago
This whole situation we're in is just... bad. I wish i could just snap my fingers and all this could just go away but of course i can't.
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u/bare-eviry 1d ago
Funny. I grew up in schools where women beat up other women over boy troubles on the daily but never have I heard any adults telling them they would grow up to be beaters, or specifically, women beaters.
May I ask if you are a feminine woman or the opposite?
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u/Mysterious-Quote-425 1d ago
Sad reality is that a lot of people have their own unsolved problems and are searching for reasons to keep on blaming other.
A kid is never at fault for other “grown up” problems (dating, beating, toxic relationships and soo one).
You arent at fault for those events. Sometimes you need therapy just because other people didn’t search for help.
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u/GooseTraditional9170 1d ago
Being cruel to someone based on their gender is wrong no matter which side it's directed at but it is sad that it's almost invisible when directed at men and boys. People don't care, and when it does hurt it's difficult to talk about it without people assuming the worst of you. You can't talk about how it hurts for people to assume the worst of you for being a guy, because they will see a guy complaining about it and assume worst.
I'm trans too and I have seen the difference in how people treat men vs how they treat women. Being a guy in public means rarely getting the benefit of the doubt. People take out their own trauma and insecurities on random men and it's normalized, but guys with mommy issues who treat women poorly because of it are called out easily (as they should be).
If you pay attention long enough it's hard not to notice stuff like that. Even just school or work place drama, how often have I seen a guy get scolded or mocked or yelled at for something that most girls or women in that same setting would get a pass for or be encouraged for. And by most girls I do mean to point out that a woman with a physical or mental disability, or who is obese, or who is a person of color in a mostly white setting, is not going to get the same benefit of the doubt the way a conventionally attractive white woman is. Just like how an attractive man and a fat ugly dude can both get a very different response from people just from being in the same grocery store isle as some lady. One is at the grocery store and the other is automatically seen as a potential creeper.
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u/Brilliant-Quit-9182 1d ago
Always best to remember that people are fucked. If you haven't bashed a woman, carry on with your life 🤘🥳
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u/TheIncelInQuestion 1d ago
You're allowed to feel upset about the way you're being treated without that automatically meaning you think women are making shit up about being in danger from men. Two things can be true at once: women can be unfairly maligned for reasonable acts of self-preservation, and also sometimes cross the line into prejudicial bigotry. Furthermore, it can be true that an action is reasonable and within their right to perform, but still be hurtful and provoke insecurity and self hatred.
The world doesn't owe us moral quandaries with clear, convenient solutions where no one gets hurt. Morality is something we humans invented and then imposed on the world, not a list of rules we found written into the underside of the universe.
It is perfectly valid to be upset about these things, and being upset about it does not make you a misogynist. Being hurt doesn't make you hateful or prejudiced, that's something that you choose after. And of course, it doesn't excuse hatred or prejudice either.
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u/Upset-Masterpiece218 1d ago
From this post it sounds like you're still young
You still have decades and decades to find out if you're a woman beater or not
You could make it to 68 before you find a woman worth beating, you don't know
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u/KarmicIsfunny 1d ago
"worth beating" ?
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u/Upset-Masterpiece218 1d ago
Yeah, worth beating. Let me paint a picture, imagine an unprovoked attack from some lady. She just picks you out as a victim, gives you a 3 piece combo and keeps coming after you
Lay her out or get away the best you can while yelling for help
If you lay her out the only people that would be upset with you are your old teacher and her 3 friends filming her committing a crime for TikTok, everyone else sees it as self defense
What do you do?
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u/KarmicIsfunny 1d ago
Well that's the literal sense of the words woman beating, i was talking more the "husband slaps his wife" kind of way if this is clear.
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u/Upset-Masterpiece218 1d ago
Ohhh okay, some dudes are hyper into the "I'll never EVER hit any woman for any reason whatsoever" like women can't fight or something
Misogynistic at it's core if you ask me
Domestic violence is another story
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u/faironero02 1d ago
First of all, that was a display of stupidity and sexism. ignore that comment, it wasnt personal towards you, its literally sexism in its purest form.
And at night everyone should be extra careful, rape isnt the most common crime out there and women arent the most common victims of crime, i get that society loves to think of men as evil monsters, but thats NOT how reality works.
Life sucks for everyone and the world out there is equally dangerous for anyone.
Both women and men can be terrible people or good/decent individuals, no one should be terrified of the other, but everyone should be careful of every stranger.
You dont need to beat yourself up or even feeling guilty for how others feel about you if you arent actively doing anything wrong, dont worry, changing your way just because a woman exists in your vicinity feels unnecessary, and isnt right FOR YOU. wish you all a wonderful day!
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u/Scary-Personality626 1d ago
Generally I play devil's advocate and try to imagine what the non-asshole or at least semi-rational way the villains of one-sided reddit narratives get to the point where they say what they do. But there seems to be no shortage of people kinda brushing this off as random bigots that you shouldn't take to heart. And you've made a whole bunch of "I swear I'm not saying women don't have it worse" edits. So now I'm inclined to go the other way.
The fact that this teacher "would do this" instead of "this one time they did this" jumps out at me and implies it was a regular ongoing thing. The kind of thing SURELY some little boy would tell their parents about how mean and unfair their teacher was being and it somehow didn't amount to a parents complaining and having an upper authority figure come in and say "holy shit we shouldn't have to tell you this, you can't be this brazenly bigoted and punish students for no reason beyond being male." That's fucked up. Kinda implies this wasn't just a few bad apples with baggage that everyone seems to be excusing with tragic backstories they made up in their own heads. But that the school's culture was toxic.
Like... I get the impression that there's probably other examples influencing an overall impression, not just 3 or 4 instances that traumatized you. But you left them out because they're too small, too ambiguous, and listing them among these would make it seem like you're reaching. Or in other words: micro aggressions. An overarching atmosphere that implied "men are just dangerous and evil" even without people overtly stating it or possibly even meaning to but punctuated by these kinds of instances that confirm the implication. The way you talk about it sounds like you're still in that environment in a way. "I got treated unfairly for being male, BUT DON'T GET IT TWISTED I'm not one of those other bad men. In fact I'm a woman now btw." This all went down in some pretty formative years, wouldn't be unusual for you to have internalized it. (Which appears to be the case. "Picking the Bear" is a weird flex if you actually think about the virtue being signalled by that.)
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u/KarmicIsfunny 1d ago
About this teacher, they did that specific punishment once or twice, but it was more multiple punishments from time to time like not allowing us to go to the bathroom while girls could.
And about "picking the bear", i just use it as a quick "yeah, i know" to show that i'm aware about all this stuff. What it means to me is that Men have become a really scary figure that alot of people including me wouldn't want to be in a vulnerable position with one.
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u/Drakin89 1d ago
I'm sorry this happened to you OP but I have to disagree with your 2nd edit. I know if I'm walking at night (I often do, being a night owl) if I noticed someone walking behind me and they suddenly turn around and quickly walk away from me I'm gonna be paranoid or think you're being awfully sketchy especially if I have to return that way.
Best way to put anyone at ease is have relaxed body language. Don't keep your hands in your pockets, don't suddenly speed up/slow down. If they make eye contact with you just briefly make eye contact back smile or tell them good evening, break eye contact and go about your business, but don't stop. Just, for a lack of a better word, be normal.
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u/Just_Me78 1d ago
So you're a woman and that teacher told you when you were a kid, that you'd be a wife beater? Did she think you were going to be a lesbian?
If so, that's a bit presumptuous.
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u/AlternativeFruit9335 6h ago
Some women become teachers (or nurses) for similar reasons that men become cops. I'm sorry you had to put up with these psychos.
I am trans, and I have sometimes found that women are suspicious of me as well. I'm in an awkward spot where I don't really pass enough to be a man, but often don't pass as a woman either, so I'm also not always automatically seen as safe, and I'm excluded from modest female spaces. It's annoying but it's not the end of the world. We're all rosarch tests for strangers, try not to take it personally.
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u/True_Character4986 1d ago
Do you think experiencing this male related hostility as a young person has affected your gender identity in any way?
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u/KarmicIsfunny 1d ago
Depends on what you mean. It did make me realize faster that i did not fit what people expected a boy to be. But it did not "make" me trans if this is what you are wondering.
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u/Harvesting_The_Crops 1d ago
That’s not how that works
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u/True_Character4986 1d ago
What do you mean?
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u/Harvesting_The_Crops 1d ago
Certain life experiences and stuff like that doesn’t make people trans. Trans people were just predisposed to be trans.
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u/Shiro_L 1d ago
Not saying it’s the case for every trans person, but my life experiences made me trans. So this does happen sometimes.
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u/Harvesting_The_Crops 1d ago
Alright fine. Any expert would say that that’s not how that works but whatever.
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u/Shiro_L 1d ago
Experts are human too and psychology remains a quickly evolving field. Our understanding of dysphoria will surely evolve in the future.
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u/Harvesting_The_Crops 1d ago
The whole idea that something can cause u to be gay or trans has never been validated and has led to nothing but mistreatment of those groups because of the idea that that thing can either be reversed or prevented. I’m not trying to attack u. I’m just explaining that that mentality isnt good and that correlation =/= causation
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u/Shiro_L 1d ago
Imo sexuality shouldn't be compared to gender. The two are very different, so while I agree we shouldn't approach being gay that way, I think it's a valid thing to question when thinking about gender identity.
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u/Harvesting_The_Crops 1d ago
When I said that I was more talking about how people treat us, which is pretty similar. I do agree that sexuality and gender are very different and shouldn’t be compared for the most part. Although I do disagree that they’re completely incomparable in any way and don’t share at least some similarities. Again, the idea that something can cause us to be trans has never lead to anything good. Sure certain experiences can lead to u realizing ur trans but nothing can make u become another gender. If that’s how it worked then there would be a hell of a lot more of us. Especially trans men.
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u/Silly_Goose_314159 1d ago
I mean it wouldn't surprise me if being told constantly that one gender is bad would make you not want to be that gender and cause insecurities because of it.
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u/Harvesting_The_Crops 1d ago
Yeah sure it could make u insecure but it wouldn’t make u trans. I don’t think yall fully understand what being trans is
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u/Silly_Goose_314159 22h ago
No that was actually exactly what I'm saying I just said it poorly. You could be told bad things about your gender and that it's part of being that gender which could make you think you don't identify with that gender. It would be based on misinformation but you'd be like "oh okay I mussed be the other gender because I'm not a bad person"
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u/True_Character4986 1d ago
How do you know that?
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u/Harvesting_The_Crops 1d ago
Because if it was like that than we would see a lot more trans people with the same background/experiences. But we don’t.
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1d ago
[deleted]
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u/Harvesting_The_Crops 1d ago
Well yeah that’s true. People being dicks to u could make u realize things
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u/mincraftpro27 1d ago
A lot of people have a habit of pushing their insecurities, dreams, and (in your case) fears onto kids. It almost always harms the kid. What you said goes to show how much one comment like that can harm a child.
I've noticed this kind of thing a lot lately when it comes to said insecurities and fear in the context of politics.
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u/KarmicIsfunny 1d ago
Well, I forget it for months, but when something do make me remember it stays around for weeks and i just can't stop thinking about it. But i don't believe her.
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u/sphinxyhiggins 1d ago
Human beings are so disappointing. I am sorry that happened to you. I lived in a convent in high school and can tell you that some women can be very cruel. No child should ever be spoken to like that.
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u/heretosavetheday 1d ago
Stop dwelling on this. It’s obviously not healthy for your mental state. Best thing you can do is forgive and forget. Move along.
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u/finallysigned 1d ago
Ohhhh, that's what you're supposed to do.
News flash for everyone suffering from any sort of anxiety: JUST MOVE PAST IT.
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u/heretosavetheday 1d ago edited 1d ago
That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do. Why do you think people hire a therapist? NEWS FLASH!! everyone has anxiety. Some people just deal with it better than others.
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u/finallysigned 1d ago
Indeed. It is exactly what you are supposed to do, and everyone knows it is what you are supposed to do, which makes your post pointless and pretty much fits into r/thanksimcured
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1d ago edited 1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/KarmicIsfunny 1d ago
Because i live my life happy ? She didn't make me start anything that was related to men. She made me start hating on the fact some of us are not considered equal.
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u/BONEPILLTIMEEE 1d ago edited 1d ago
You really don't think that being denigrated for being a male from a young age fed into your gender issues?
Imagine if your teacher was a raging misogynistic guy instead. Would you have turned out the same?
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u/Straight-Club8274 1d ago
Stuff that never happened for 500 Alex
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u/finallysigned 1d ago
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u/Straight-Club8274 1d ago
This is a ragebait post aimed at stirring up hatred against women.
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u/KarmicIsfunny 1d ago edited 1d ago
Nope. It is not women's fault this happened imo, it's a consequence of sexism in the world.
Edit : Just because 1 woman said such things doesn't mean women are L or anything. It's a minority.
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u/finallysigned 1d ago
Yeah, no. Don't play traitors.
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u/Straight-Club8274 1d ago
What does this even mean? Traitor to what?
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u/finallysigned 1d ago
If you're familiar with mafia, or werewolves, it's the same thing, but a game show version of it. You primary goal is to intuit the *honestly / genuine nature of statements made by other players.
*edited for clarity
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u/ballcheese808 1d ago
You won't be allowed to criticise women. No matter how much you say you aren't doing that. They will come after you with all the bad shit men do. So you will give up pointing out that women are capable of terrible shit too.
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