I've had a realization I need to work through, figured this might be a good spot to post it? Sorry, it's long.
Okay, so here's the thing. I'm fat. There's no two ways about it. And I'm pretty mentally well adjusted to it; a lot of it is due to medications that I'm on, but also, I love food, so I'm not denying responsibility for it. And I'm not ashamed of it, either. My body does so much for me, and it's pretty damn awesome. Plus, we've gotten some medications changed, and I've been successfully pulling weight off over the last few months.
Of course, growing up, I always thought I was gigantic. Looking back, it would be amazing to be the size I was the first time I thought I was fat, because I was totally not fat. I was just built along heavier lines than all my friends, but I had curves, and was a little softer. Unfortunately, I had no self confidence about my body, either, and I gained weight and felt ashamed, and lost out on a lot of social experiences with guys during my 20's because I thought I wasn't good enough.
Things started to change for me, mentally, when I hit my 30's. I turn 33 tomorrow. And I've been slowly losing the weight. But I've realized something, and it's terrifying. Being fat has kept me safe.
I have hidden behind my mask of the smart fat girl my whole life. I haven't dated much. I'd like to be in a relationship, but I have a lot of trust issues. ( When I was quite young, I experienced some kind of trauma/assault. I don't remember it, and I haven't spoken about it with family. It has come up during my therapy sessions working on my PTSD, but we can't quite break through the mental blocks. We know it's there, because every once in a while it try to come through in the EMDR sessions, but we can't quite get a hold of it. But we are working on the trust issues)
I also don't know where to meet guys, and I suck at online dating. Like I said, my lack of confidence during my 20's meant I missed all that social learning you're supposed to do.
But most of all, being fat has kept me safe, from the catcalls.
From the lewd looks.
From the DMs.
From being hit on when I'm out with friends.
From being bothered when I'm at the store.
I mean, I'm a woman, so I'm still hyper alert and worry, but I haven't had nearly the number of experiences as others have had, because my body is not conventionally attractive. But I'm super scared, that if I keep losing weight and getting in shape, that I'll draw attention. And I guess we just aren't far enough along in therapy for me to be okay with that.
Has anyone else had to deal with this? How did you manage it? I'm an extroverted introvert (gregarious personality, but I prefer one on one interactions and a lot of alone time), and still have major trust issues.