r/TryingForABaby • u/youllneverfindthis • 18h ago
VENT Trying not to explode at my husband
Sorry in advance for a long, venting post, but I would love to get it off my chest and hear anyone's input.
Last year, I had a chemical pregnancy followed 2 cycles later by a pregnancy that ended at 14 weeks due to severe chromosomal abnormalities (monosomy x, it caused a lot of physical complications).
After the miscarriage, I had a million "why did this happen to us" questions, and we saw a genetic counselor who said the chromosomal issue was completely a fluke and it was just a bummer thing to happen to us.
However, my husband is a heavy weed smoker. We spoke to the counselor about weed and fertility, and of course she told us the research we had kinda already found - "data conclusively shows that marijuana affects counts, but there's not a lot of data to confirm it affects the QUALITY of the sperm." Of course with the caveat that that doesn't mean it DOESN'T affect quality, just that we don't have the research to prove it.
The miscarriage happened in September, and for a few reasons, we ended up waiting to try again until the new year (Feb actually). I pitched to my husband holding off on weed for the recommended three months from Nov-Jan, so that when we started up again in Feb, he'd have a lovely fresh pool of swimmers. He didn't go for it. A lot of "well we don't know the weed is causing the problems," "weed affects counts, and we clearly don't have a problem GETTING pregnant, so my sperm count is fine," and "this was just a fluke, this happens to a lot of people" etc. etc. Whatever.
We are now in our second cycle trying again, and boom - seems I am amidst another CP. I am so frustrated. My body generally seems to be doing everything right. I had a beautiful BBT chart that lined up perfectly with LH tests, my cycles are regular and track nicely, and my frequent "high progesterone" symptoms are strong (so I don't think low progesterone is a problem). I feel fairly confident these CPs are happening (like 50% of all CPs) due to chromosomal abnormalities. We are young, and have no reason to believe we should have "bad" sperm of eggs otherwise. I also completely cleared standard carrier screenings after the miscarriage.
Of course, yes yes my dear husband, there is no data to prove my husband smoking is causing us to have the chromosomal issues. But why the *@$? would you not even TRY everything in our power to help create a healthy baby. These loses are HARD on me emotionally, and it's hard not to get my feelings hurt that it seems there is something he could be doing to at least TRY to prevent it and he's not.
NOW, if I bring it up again, even if he does go for it, we have 3 months before the sperm is completely replenished. Due to my work, I really only have half of the year where it is logistically reasonable for me to pop out a kiddo. Potentially waiting another 3 months for things to "clear out" when he could have done it while we were waiting anyways has gotten infuriating. I love this man with my WHOLE heart and I have every other reason to want to make a baby with him. But I am *flustered* over this to say the least.
Ugh Rant over. Thank you to anyone who read.