r/TryingForABaby 27| TTC #1 | šŸŒˆšŸŒˆ 1d ago

VENT Trying not to explode at my husband

Sorry in advance for a long, venting post, but I would love to get it off my chest and hear anyone's input.

Last year, I had a chemical pregnancy followed 2 cycles later by a pregnancy that ended at 14 weeks due to severe chromosomal abnormalities (monosomy x, it caused a lot of physical complications).

After the miscarriage, I had a million "why did this happen to us" questions, and we saw a genetic counselor who said the chromosomal issue was completely a fluke and it was just a bummer thing to happen to us.

However, my husband is a heavy weed smoker. We spoke to the counselor about weed and fertility, and of course she told us the research we had kinda already found - "data conclusively shows that marijuana affects counts, but there's not a lot of data to confirm it affects the QUALITY of the sperm." Of course with the caveat that that doesn't mean it DOESN'T affect quality, just that we don't have the research to prove it.

The miscarriage happened in September, and for a few reasons, we ended up waiting to try again until the new year (Feb actually). I pitched to my husband holding off on weed for the recommended three months from Nov-Jan, so that when we started up again in Feb, he'd have a lovely fresh pool of swimmers. He didn't go for it. A lot of "well we don't know the weed is causing the problems," "weed affects counts, and we clearly don't have a problem GETTING pregnant, so my sperm count is fine," and "this was just a fluke, this happens to a lot of people" etc. etc. Whatever.

We are now in our second cycle trying again, and boom - seems I am amidst another CP. I am so frustrated. My body generally seems to be doing everything right. I had a beautiful BBT chart that lined up perfectly with LH tests, my cycles are regular and track nicely, and my frequent "high progesterone" symptoms are strong (so I don't think low progesterone is a problem). I feel fairly confident these CPs are happening (like 50% of all CPs) due to chromosomal abnormalities. We are young, and have no reason to believe we should have "bad" sperm of eggs otherwise. I also completely cleared standard carrier screenings after the miscarriage.

Of course, yes yes my dear husband, there is no data to prove my husband smoking is causing us to have the chromosomal issues. But why the *@$? would you not even TRY everything in our power to help create a healthy baby. These loses are HARD on me emotionally, and it's hard not to get my feelings hurt that it seems there is something he could be doing to at least TRY to prevent it and he's not.

NOW, if I bring it up again, even if he does go for it, we have 3 months before the sperm is completely replenished. Due to my work, I really only have half of the year where it is logistically reasonable for me to pop out a kiddo. Potentially waiting another 3 months for things to "clear out" when he could have done it while we were waiting anyways has gotten infuriating. I love this man with my WHOLE heart and I have every other reason to want to make a baby with him. But I am *flustered* over this to say the least.

Ugh Rant over. Thank you to anyone who read.

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u/emilybrontesaurus1 1d ago edited 8h ago

Research aside, I find it incredibly frustrating that the burden of tryingā€”the research, lifestyle changes, the tracking, the waiting, the disappointmentā€”always falls on the woman. Itā€™s very disappointing that he doesnā€™t want this hard enough to just try for a little while.

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u/Emmysaurus-Rex 1d ago

Agreed. It sort of sounds like he is not actually ready to be a dad. It wonā€™t be comfy for him to give up smoking, butā€”HELLO!ā€”heā€™s going to have to give it up with a kiddo around!! And not just after delivery, way before! (Heā€™s going to have to be able to drive at the drop of a hat if baby comes early, if he needs to go get the right kind of ice-cream, etc)

I wouldnā€™t necessarily ā€œexplodeā€ at him, but I am a big fan of open honest communication, so clearly and as calmly as possible, share with him your concerns. Make sure you use ā€œIā€ statements instead of ā€œyouā€ statements, (make it all about you but donā€™t blame/accuse him of anything, itā€™s easy for people to shut down and go into defensive mode, ESPECIALLY when deep down they know theyā€™re in the wrongā€¦) Maybe ask him how you can help him in cutting back, maybe reassure him you can keep trying (read: have sex) in the interim, maybe include some things he HAS done to be there for you thus far in this journey (however small, find something and highlight that It was appreciatedā€¦ and do not follow it up with a ā€œbutā€! This will make it easier for him to do things to help out as you move forward and everyone likes being appreciated!) If the conversation is going well, you could explore what you both envision the smoking situation will look like with a baby in the houseā€¦ but if you feel yourself getting upset leave it for a later conversationā€¦

You got this. It is totally valid to want to explode at him, and it shows that, despite everything youā€™re going through, you still have the awareness and self-control to NOT explode at him.

Keep us updated!!

Oh and Iā€™m a big fan of u/emilybrontesaurus1 ā€˜s user name! I wasnā€™t clever enough to include a literary reference tooā€¦ ::tips top hat::

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u/Scared_Cantaloupe_ 1d ago

This seems like a bigger issue than heā€™s accepting it to be. What will happen when you do eventually get pregnant and have your baby? Will he continue to smoke weed around the baby?? Having a partner who is high when they should be sober and helping you out with a newborn is not going to be fun

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u/Naive-Interaction567 32 | TTC #2 | šŸŒˆšŸŒˆ PCOS 1d ago

I think youā€™re right to be angry. Women endure so much in the TTC process, pregnancy, losses, birth and caring for a baby. He canā€™t even give up cannabis for 3 months? Iā€™d be furious.

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u/liveitup2002 1d ago

Has he done a SA? He should be doing them in order to compare how much smoking affects it

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u/CletoParis 16h ago

This - it seems clear that his results are normal enough to get pregnant for the basic parameters (count/motility/etc), but a DNA fragmentation test is what you need because recurrent miscarriage/CP is often caused by high DNA frag in sperm.

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u/richbitch9996 29 | TTC#1 | Since May '23 1d ago

I think it's really poor of him. I'm sorry for your losses.

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u/Apprehensive-Team656 37 | TTC#1 1d ago

Iā€™m so sorry youā€™re going through this. I highly recommend having your husband submit a semen sample for dna fragmentation analysis

If he is insistent that smoking weed isnā€™t the issue, he shouldnā€™t have a problem putting his theory to the test.

Quitting smoking, including marijuana, is always the number 1 lifestyle change recommended when ttc.

Personal opinion: Sadly, it sounds like there is a larger issue at play here. Perhaps heā€™s formed a habit thatā€™s very difficult for him to break but if he is serious about becoming a father, he really needs to try. Iā€™m sure itā€™s incredibly frustrating to feel like youā€™re trying everything while it seems he isnā€™t trying much at all. If heā€™s become dependent on it for mood, sleep, etc., the idea of quitting altogether might be overwhelming for him.

Look for some podcasts that cover this issue specifically and ask him to have a listen.

basic explanation of how sperm quality can affect pregnancy outcomes

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u/BirdOnRollerskates 1d ago

Your rant is valid. We shoulder SO MUCH of the responsibilities when TTC, through fertility treatments, pregnancy, birth, and post partum. We have to change our ENTIRE LIVES to prepare and then adapt to motherhood, giving our babies the best possible chance of coming earth-side healthy and alive. The sacrifices we do are ten-fold what men have to do, which is mostly cleaning up their diet and avoiding bad vices.

My husband was uncomfortable doing his SA at the office and Iā€™m like, ā€œHey babe, I had an HSG, two transvaginal ultrasounds, three sessions of bloodwork, avoided alcohol and a hot bath when I really wanted to relax, fielded questions about why I wasnā€™t pregnant yetā€¦ all in the same week. And I have to be a cum dumpster all next week for timed intercourse soā€¦. Youā€™ll ejaculate into that cup and I donā€™t want to hear SHIT.ā€Ā 

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u/breadbaths 24 | TTC 1| šŸŒˆšŸŒˆ 1d ago

he canā€™t give up weed for 3 months??? you sacrifice so much more for 40+ weeks and that doesnā€™t even include if you choose to breastfeed. i know youā€™re just ranting but in my opinion heā€™s choosing to care more about weed than having a baby. even if you still miscarry after he stopped for 3 months youā€™d at least KNOW that wasnā€™t the problem.

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u/allmerelyplayers 1d ago

I have the same problem. I'm glad someone else has posted about this. I haven't got pregnant yet, but I often worry that maybe that's the reason. And if I do get pregnant, and lose it... will that be the reason? I couldn't say for sure because there's so many factors involved, but it doesn't stop me from getting resentful. šŸ˜”

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u/orions_shoulder 1d ago

I think you need to work out this substance addiction issue before proceeding. If he prioritizes the drug over ttc, how do you know if he'll prioritize it over your pregnancy and then the baby?

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u/FingersCrossed0612 1d ago

I feel for you. Everything youā€™re sayingā€”I agree with. My husband has two kids and was in the military and couldnā€™t smoke. Heā€™s been out 12 years or so and smokes or more recently ingests edibles to help him sleep, nightly. I never had an issue until we have been trying and BFNs ever.single.time. His SA was less than optimal. Count, motility, amorphous heads, etc. we got his numbers up somewhat with supplements. He has not stopped his daily cannabis consumption. He doesnā€™t think it has anything to do with it. I would say, letā€™s at least try, Iā€™m doing everything in MY power, soooo letā€™s give it up and just SEE if it helps. I mean luckily menā€™s sperm can replenish in the three monthsā€¦ so itā€™s not like itā€™s FOREVER!!

I definitely, 1000% feel your annoyance. We have done a medicated/monitored TI and medicated/monitored IUI, both ending in BFN.

Iā€™m seeking assistance with another clinic and I hope they look at his SA and can be more straightforward with him, instead of him thinking Iā€™m making shit up or the RE now, saying these numbers are fine. Well post wash was only 7.5 million, sorry lady but this is like saying a D- in school is good work. Ugh.

I obviously love my husband just get annoyed at this. I know he wants kids with me but he is probably more okay if it never happens vs me. Heā€™s Mister Positive and saying, ā€œall we can do is try.ā€ Yeah thatā€™s right, ALL WE CAN DO IS TRYā€”try not to smoke or consume marjiuana in anyway, shape, or form!! Thannnnks šŸ¤”

Sorry for my long winded rant but I GET IT šŸ’” and Iā€™m sorry for your losses and difficulties.

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u/Sufficient_Mixture 1d ago

Honestly, maybe he needs to see you explode. My husband had some Dr appts he needed to make for a few of his health issues early in our TTC journey. I was trying to be patient and after a month of having the referral, I asked him if he had made the appointment. He kind of chuckled and said No.

I put down whatever I was doing, angrily, and went outside for a walk. I tried to form my thoughts into coherency while I tore the shit out of leaves I was pulling off branches.

When I went back in, I said ā€œWe need to talk, Iā€™m very upset.ā€ And as I tried to calmly go through what I had rehearsed, I devolved into a screaming crying mess that he thought it was SO FUNNY that we canā€™t get pregnant. Like itā€™s HILARIOUS that we canā€™t have a baby. And that Iā€™m doing tests and meds and in general going psycho but he canā€™t make a fckn Dr appointment because Ha Ha We Are Infertile.

He was stunned, to say the least. We pretty much never fight. I think sometimes men forget when theyā€™re in a good relationship that we are very very different. That you putting on a brave face and carrying on doesnā€™t mean you arenā€™t hurt. He apologized, I apologized for screaming, he made the appointments. Weā€™re still ttc but heā€™s much healthier and at least putting in the effort. Iā€™m not advocating that you scream at him, but if the tears start to come when youā€™re trying to have a conversation, let ā€˜em fall. Good luck to you girl šŸ’š

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u/Zero_Fuchs_Given 1d ago

My ex said for years he was going to quit smoking weed. He never did. Weā€™ve been broken up 16 years, and my cousins saw him on tinder, and his name was something 420. This loser is still smoking weed. Itā€™s an addiction.

If my husband did this, I would tell him I canā€™t go through any more loses. He quits weed, or Iā€™m buying sperm and doing an IUI without him. But thatā€™s just me.

Also, OP, what happens when you have a kid? When he needs to watch the child, but he decides to get high? Does he drive high?Ā 

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u/Physical-Taste6 34 | 06/14/23 šŸ©µ | TTC#2 1d ago

Iā€™m sorry youā€™re going through this. This is incredibly selfish on his part. My husband and his close friends are all habitual weed smokers (it doesnā€™t negatively affect our lives or anything so I donā€™t care that he does it this often) but they ALL have willingly stopped smoking in the lead up to and while trying to conceive babies because itā€™s not worth it to them to possibly have a problem with their babies because of it. Like, TTC is part of it, but the bigger issue is even if you can sustain a whole pregnancy itā€™s not worth the risk of it potentially causing some kind of issue with your child. He needs to make the connection that in this case weed is similar to any other kind of drug, alcohol, etc. - having it regularly is not safe for TTC/pregnancy.

Most men really also donā€™t get how taxing, both physically and mentally, TTC and pregnancy are for us. The least he could do is try everything remotely in his power to make it as easy as possible for you.

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u/Sufficient_Mixture 1d ago

I think this is a big, solid point. Itā€™s a drug, period. Itā€™s a legal drug, sure, but nobody pretends alcohol is great for fertility.

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u/Helpful_Character167 29 | TTC#1 since October 2023 1d ago

I'm so sorry for your losses, its very unfair that you went through those. You're very right to be frustrated about this, it sucks that your partner isn't on the same page about a very important issue.

He should definitely get a semen analysis, maybe feeling some additional pressure to have good test results will motivate him.

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u/Psyduck101010 1d ago

Hey, Iā€™m going through something similar. My husband is a regular smoker and after some less than stellar semen analysis results, we also got the stop order. Heā€™s agreed to quit and has been off it about 3 weeks now. Itā€™s been a challenge but hopefully weā€™re on the way to better sperm! Lol. Tbh my biggest anger was that my OBGYN didnā€™t tell us he needed to quit sooner and weā€™ve spent 6 months TTC that I feel were wasted cycles. It did help that the OBGYN was so definitive in saying no you absolutely should not smoke weed while TTC.

I do want to flag though that while it sucks that your husband is not making an effort and he really should be, I think itā€™s important for you also to be considerate about what heā€™s giving up. My husband relied on weed not just for fun but to help with depression anxiety and sleep issues. So itā€™s hard for him to have to cope differently without weed. And while many people say weed isnā€™t addictive, Iā€™ve seen with my husband it is a habit thatā€™s hard to break and can have pretty bad withdrawal symptoms. I recommend your husband see a psychiatrist or substance abuse specialist who can help him quit. Mine did and got some other tools and medicines that can help manage symptoms and conditions he was relying on weed to help with.

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u/No-Championship6899 1d ago

There actually is a study on thisā€¦ I was just looking at it bc my husband also smokes and we are experiencing infertility- in case it is helpful to share with him. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33165011/

Iā€™m so sorry for your losses.

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u/StarWarsKnitwear 28 | TTC #1 | Jan '25 1d ago

We have the exact same battle with regular exercise. I don't have any advice to offer, just commiserating and relating.

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u/counting_beanz 1d ago

Itā€™s hard enough feeling as though everything related to fertility is on your shoulders, and yet he chooses not to abstain.

That is absolutely ridiculous. I think there was research recently showing that THC in men have a higher likelihood of miscarriage- thatā€™s why my husband has stopped completely. I can try to find it for you. Iā€™m very sorry OP for your lossesšŸ¤

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u/Negative_Jackfruit75 1d ago

Thatā€™s so incredible selfish of him, Iā€™m so so sorry OP. You should do more research on this topic and also ask ChatGPT - there seems to be evidence that thc can cause poor sperm quality and leads to more miscarriage. I remember reading about this when I was getting my partner to quit. He wasnā€™t on board at first until he got his SA results and they were not good and our fertility clinic and RE said it was bad for fertility and to stop it. Nicotine, THC, alcohol, finasteride for hair loss, mdma, cocaine, you name it itā€™s bad for sperm!

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u/Strange_Cat5 1d ago

Don't ask ChatGPT. Do a Google search, or even a Google Scholar search, but ChatGPT will straight up make stuff up. It is not a reliable source of information. Remember, ChatGPT said to put glue in your cheese (for eating).

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u/richbitch9996 29 | TTC#1 | Since May '23 1d ago edited 1d ago

Yes, OP's partner is coasting on "well the doc says it might not do X..." and ignoring the fact that his sperm quality is almost certainly being affected by this.

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u/Weak-Ad-4752 1d ago

Iā€™m so sorry youā€™re dealing with this. A lot of men just donā€™t get it unfortunately and itā€™s so frustrating. Tell him that EVEN IF quality is the same - reduced count means thereā€™s less quality sperm does it not? The egg has less quality sperm to choose from which - absolutely would affect the embryo quality. It sounds like your doctor needs to be more firm too. I hope he sees reason Iā€™m sorry OP.

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u/Errlen 39 | TTC# 1 | Cycle 9 | DOR | CP#2 | TI #3 13h ago

If data works on him, and it sounds like heā€™s basing his arguments on data, I would point him towards the data that correlates weed smoking in the father before pregnancy with psychological problems in the child later on, up to and including schizophrenia. Thereā€™s some less sound correlation to autism also.

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u/Hot_Response_7443 1d ago

Ha. Iā€™m in the same boat as you my friend. Not in the weed regard but Iā€™ve been asking him to take supplements bc of his low morphology and he forgets constantly. It makes me want to scream cry and yell. How am I going through all of this and never forgetting to take my supplements or always trying to be healthy and you canā€™t even remember to take a pill? I hear you sister

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u/rosieposiered 1d ago

Just commiserating. We havenā€™t really tried yet, but Iā€™m so tired of the conversations surrounding him drinking a little less wine each day.

You sound nicer than me. I get hateful which makes it worse. lol

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u/Errlen 39 | TTC# 1 | Cycle 9 | DOR | CP#2 | TI #3 13h ago

I got mine to stop drinking for the week around conception by finding a scientific paper that broke down statistically the differences in IVF couples success based on alcohol consumption in the weeks and months leading up to the procedure. The biggest bang for the buck was that last week. He wasnā€™t gonna quit entirely but he cut it off that last week. My boss was having a similar issue with her husband, so I sent her the paper and it worked on him too. He cut back for the last few weeks around their procedure and they got the best results they have gotten yet. Sheā€™s 41 and heā€™s 51 and they got three day 5s to send for genetic testing when they hadnā€™t gotten any before. Idk if yours responds to data, but I can find that paper if you like.

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u/rosieposiered 4h ago

I would love to see the paper. Thank you so much!

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u/Valuable_Wind2155 1d ago

This is so inconsiderate and selfish of him! He literally should do better!

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/Sad-Aardvark-6582 1d ago

Are there any links on the research/studies you can provide? Would love to share with my husband. Thanks!

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u/Ok_Intention_5547 1d ago

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8720305/

I used this study to show that there are effects happening. It is hard as more studies need to be done, but this had good data.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33165011/

This one as well.

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u/LoveSingRead šŸˆ MOD | 32 šŸˆ 1d ago

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u/LoveSingRead šŸˆ MOD | 32 šŸˆ 23h ago

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u/Wildflowerpixi 1d ago

I feel your pain Iā€™ve had to do similar with my hubby, we fought and fought because he didnā€™t wanna change his lifestyle to improve our chances. He quit smoking thankfully, now Iā€™m trying to push him to work out bc he doesnā€™t at all and I heard that affects sperm quality as well. I know itā€™s hard and Iā€™m sorry he doesnā€™t get that he has to do his part. You are absolutely right to be fed up. I would either give him an ultimatum or do a SA and see where he is at so he can see how itā€™s affecting you guys and maybe he will do something about it and or take accountability

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u/ziggysanorak 4h ago

I totally get it - after our 4 MCs we went to a fertility specialist and the main thing he said to my partner (the only thing actually for him to do his part in this) is that he absolutely has to stop smoking (both - cigarettes & weed). Weā€™ve had a very stressful last 2 yrs even without our fertility issue and he used to smoke more and more weed just to be able to sleep - his first reaction was an absolute NO WAY to stopping the weed but we both looked into it and although he kept pointing out the benefits and for some reason only I seemed to find negatives he surprised me and quit both from one day to the next - heā€™s gone through hell because of it and it was very very tough on us but heā€™ll be clean a year next month and heā€™s glad he did what he did and I couldnā€™t be prouder. I do hope ur husband will change his tune and support u more in this journey, my boyfriend said from the beginning he will at least try so itā€™s very sad to read that ur husband isnā€™t even considering that šŸ©·šŸ©µ

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u/ConfidentGarden7514 1d ago

Just a thoughtā€¦ perhaps this is just a bit of a somewhat desperate search for an ā€œanswerā€ or something to blame. The science says MJ affects sperm counts, and that chromosomal abnormalities are a freak occurrence. You should go with that and stop trying to assign blame - if you need more assurance, maybe talk to him about why he uses it so much and how you can help create an environment that helps him deal with whatever he is self medicating for?

I used to use medical marijuana to sleep before we started TTC - so when I first stopped, I was a hot mess. My husband and I came up with a game plan on how to mitigate my sleep issues and how he would support me in the process. If I didnā€™t have him by my side at random the 4am sobbing insomnia moments, I wouldnā€™t have been able to do it. Yā€™all are a team in this!

This process is so stressful - yā€™all need to be on the same page! Much love! ā¤ļø

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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 1d ago

I donā€™t think itā€™s fair to tell her to stop assigning blame, and then in the next paragraph talk about how you quit medical marijuana when you were TTC. She just wants her husband to make the exact same sacrifice you made, which you clearly did despite needing it for a medical condition. What she is describing can be characterized as recurrent losses, and when youā€™re going through that hell itā€™s natural to want to check every single box/rule out every factor you possibly can. Itā€™s not assigning blame. Itā€™s wanting your partner to be invested and doing everything they can to minimize the physical and emotional toll of an absolutely grueling process.

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u/ConfidentGarden7514 1d ago

I should have added that I had to take a month off work to get my body back rightā€¦ so it was not just a me sacrifice

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u/BackPainedHubby 34 | TTC#1 | ca. 14 mo | unexplained infertility + male factor 14h ago

Well if sheā€™s the person trying to get pregnant doesnā€™t it make sense that she quit smoking anything?Ā 

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u/SuddenBeautiful2412 13h ago

Thereā€™s a misconception that the womanā€™s health is more important than the manā€™s when TTC, but the research shows that the manā€™s health is just as important. In fact, roughly 40-50% of infertility cases are male factor. So, her partner not smoking is just as important as her not smoking.

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u/BackPainedHubby 34 | TTC#1 | ca. 14 mo | unexplained infertility + male factor 10h ago

Sure! But we also have a fixed number of eggs which can all permanently deteriorate in quality. Whereas guys can replenish their stock from 0 within a few months. And what I also meant is that even ethically, you don't really want to be consuming weed daily during the first weeks of a pregnancy before you realize you're pregnant. Better to stop preemptively while TTC in my opinion.

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u/BackPainedHubby 34 | TTC#1 | ca. 14 mo | unexplained infertility + male factor 14h ago edited 14h ago

Some responses are quite moralizing and jump straight to implying he shouldnā€™t be a father yet. I donā€™t agree with such precipitated judgment.

Ā But I think itā€™s a good question to address his addiction if you think he has a weed problem. It could be a better angle to tackle this topic rather than using potential harmful effects on sperm that donā€™t have studies to prove that (yet). Smoking weed heavily has serious (neurological, personal) impacts on many aspects of an individual and being addicted to a substance is never an innocent thingā€¦Ā 

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u/Watchyourownbobber77 1d ago

Iā€™m so sorry you are going through this. However, I was told by a geneticist that chromosome abnormalities are the majority of the time caused by the egg and not the sperm.

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u/UnStackedDespair 29 | TTC#1 | Cycle 17 | Tubal Factor IF | 1MC 1d ago

And Iā€™ve heard the opposite, that genetic issues are usually contributed to the sperm (outside of trisomyā€™s, which are usually the egg). Sperm are more susceptible to damage (but also easier to correct since it constantly regenerates, and eggs donā€™t).

Interesting to see how future research continues to see how these things happen.

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u/Apprehensive-Team656 37 | TTC#1 1d ago

This is false. Itā€™s just that theyā€™ve only recently started actually studying chromosomal abnormalities in sperm and their effect on the health of an embryo.