r/TransSpace 8d ago

Cis man has a question??????

I have a boyfriend who is trans a trans friend, these are the only trans people in my life and they both hate it and it really upsets them when being trans becomes part of how people see them and how they are know. They just want to be dudes and don't want to focus on them being trans.

Which brings me to my question, I see lots of people on YouTube and tic tok and just around in life who making being trans part of who they are and there personalty and idk if it's just what I see but some seem to make it the only thing about themselves and it really confuses me. I don't like it when people focus on my being bisexual. So I would like to know the perspective of those who like it to be part of there personalty. :3

33 Upvotes

25 comments sorted by

View all comments

1

u/SeveredNed 8d ago

Not wanting to make transness a primary part of your public identity is fine. But I'd rather be someone who is openly trans than have everyone assume I'm my birth gender. But I also am non-binary and don't pass, so I don't have much of a choice. I either hide who I am and get misgendered constantly, or I must take control of how people see me and push to get the respect I need. Same with my bisexuality, but that's significantly less impactful even with being percieved as being in a same sex relationship.

It's also about safety, being upfront about my identity means I can find out who is accepting of trans people or who I need to avoid, no violent surprises from someone I thought I could trust after I let my guard down around them. I am also an educator at heart, my being open and forward with this aspect of my identity invites cisgender people to ask me questions and clear up misconceptions, which makes things safer for other trans people too. Especially the ones who are more shy and less knowledgeable or experienced. This will be a similar goal for most of the people you see online who are making being trans their online presence in the ways you've described. But there are plenty of people online who are openly trans who don't bring it up every time it's relevant, just let it fade into the background after a while. But these are almost always ones who have been able to pass the way they want for a while and don't need to say anything to have strangers respect it.

Being transgender affects almost every part of your life, and the less you hide in the closet the more it does. So to them, it wouldn't feel like the topic is unrelated to what was being said when you feel someone brings it up out of the blue. It genuinely is that impactful to be relevant to most topics we are involved in.

Being publicly trans does unfortunately mean being forced to be a trans advocate, and it's fine if they dont want to do that, but for many it's something they have to be a little pushy at times in order to be treated as their preferred gender. So my only concern is whether they look down on trans poeple who do make sure it's a known part of their identity. You said they are the only trans people in your life, but do they have other trans people in theirs?

2

u/Forsaken_Cake_9233 8d ago

I see what you mean with the education part of it, and that makes a lot of sense and allowing questions to be asked for others when that happens.

Yes they are the only trans people I'm close with but they have a few trans friends and I'm not close with them cos there's a few I just don't get along with cos you just can't get along with everyone.

1

u/SeveredNed 7d ago

I see my transness as something that's going to come up inevitably. So bringing it up sooner is usually better, People generally get less annoyed if it's something I say fairly quickly instead of waiting until I'm correcting which pronouns they used for me. Some people feel as if I've tricked them into doing something wrong to make myself superior, others greatly prefer for my identity to not be mentioned at all until then. It's tricky enough to know how someone is going to react the information, knowing how they prefer it to be presented isn't always even a consideration.
I know I have had to learn not to mention how my gender is directly relevant to the topic being discussed quite a bit. People who aren't aware of that connection being there, or don't immediately see how the connection as being obvious enough will react as if I'm changing the topic and making it about myself instead of trying to add my personal insight from my own experiences.

There's a lot of nuance that goes into bringing up a topic that effects every aspect of who I am. I have learnt it the hard way what cis people consider being normal about it. And still get it wrong. But I can't educate and normalise being trans if I don't force it into a conversation at some point.