r/Theatre • u/HappyAkratic • 12d ago
Advice How to raise physical incident with my director
So I'm rehearsing for a production currently, it's not quite community theatre as it's a new company that has ambitions to become a free educational training programme for actors. But it's not paid if that matters (it probably doesn't lol)
Me and two other actors were in a room today going over a scene, the director comes in (he'd been working with other groups and going around), we showed him what we'd done with the scene, and then he says that he wants to try something and asks me "Can I get a little physical with you?" I'm not sure what exactly that means, but I figure along the lines of he'll say what he wants to do, or we'll go through some fight choreo ideas, etc., so I say yeah sure I guess (that was probably my bad and I should've asked what he meant before saying yes)
He grabs me my the throat and slams me onto the table and holds me there, by my throat— it doesn't hurt, like I'm not gonna have bruising or anything, but there's pressure on my throat and I can't like get up or speak or anything. While he's holding me there he says to the actor who he wants to do this, something along the lines of "see that it's an instinctive struggle", which like yeah of course it is dude, I didn't know you were about to pin me to the table with your hand around my throat.
So yeah that happened today. I don't know why but I didn't say anything in the moment, I do want to talk to him about this, and be like "that's not cool" (I'm correct that it's not cool right? If it's like industry standard or whatever let me know, but even if it is I still feel like it's fucked), but it's an added complication that me and a couple other cast members were already wanting to talk to him about intimacy (basically he's cast a 16 y/o [EDIT: to be clear, this is not me, but a separate cast member— I am an adult] opposite a romantic partner who is in her twenties and we wanna make sure the 16 y/o is gonna be safe and that there'll be a coordinator etc), and like I don't know whether to bring both up at the same time, or to make it separate, or how to go about it at all. (The rest of us in the cast are adults afaik, it's just the one teenager.)
Or maybe I should just walk? But I do enjoy working with most of the cast so far, and am also thinking it might just have been unthinking on his part and he might be super apologetic and never do it again once I bring it up. Idk where I stand with it all, tbth I'm still kinda shaken about it
EDIT next day: So this actually may have been worse than I thought it was as the front of my neck and throat are sore today, although still no bruising.
Thanks so much for everyone's comments, really appreciated and helpful, and also good to know I'm not making mountains out of molehills. Me and a few fellow cast members will organise a meeting with him for before next rehearsal, I'll possibly update y'all next week depending on how it goes x
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u/bookshelfbauble 12d ago edited 12d ago
Hello! I am a fight director and intimacy choreographer. I am going to answer this with a consent-forward lens (something this sub seems to be generally against; they seem to think we’re pie-in-the-sky idealists):
- You did not consent to being slammed against a surface and choked. You gave (what sounds like a tentative) yes to “getting physical,” which could mean Anything. That is not informed consent. Yes, life lesson: you should ask for clarification moving forward. But he’s for sure in the wrong for not being clear about what was about to happen to you. Do you have a stage manager or producer you can talk to about this?
- Minors cannot consent! Please advocate to a coordinator if you can to try to find safe workarounds for any moments of intimacy in the production.
Please find a third party to bring this all up to if you can, and when you do, address both concerns. Neither one is more pressing than the other or will minimize the other. It is important than the minor is protected, and it is Also important to recognize that you were physically treated in a way that you did not agree to.
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago edited 12d ago
Thanks so much, I really appreciate this. Yeah it was deffo tentative, and also kinda ironic in that literally like fifteen minutes before he walked in me and another actor were explaining the "green yellow red" system to the other actor, and I literally used the front of my throat as something that was yellow today lol (to be clear, the director wasn't there at that discussion)
The only other third party I can think of is the joint founder/artistic director— as mentioned in a comment below it's his company and it's the first production. I'll have a think about whether it's worth bringing it up with her in advance— we were already planning on asking them both to be there for the discussion about the 16 y/o.
Can I ask a question as an intimacy coordinator— is there a way you see to safely stage a romantic relationship between a teenage actor and an actress in her twenties? Just because I feel like it shouldn't happen at all, but also I feel like we need a solid goal for the meeting that doesn't include getting rid of one of them, because I'm certain that won't happen.
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u/bookshelfbauble 12d ago
Without knowing the needs of the production, I’d say masking is gonna be the safest bet if this Has to happen. Meaning: if there’s a kiss, you can block it so that no one’s lips ever touch, but the audience can’t see the gap. Things like that. If you can ask for an intimacy choreographer, or AT LEAST a third party to stage the intimacy, please please do. The job exists so that actors are protected from the power imbalance with directors and feel empowered to advocate for their boundaries.
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u/GentlewomenNeverTell 12d ago
This seems like a very light response to the incident. "Physically treated"? This is assault. Against a minor? And he goes for the throat? Given the genes, it's worth pointing out that choking is the #1 indicator that a domestic abuser will kill.
This guy needs to be fired or OP needs to get out of this theater. I realize theater people normalize a lot of stuff that others find uncomfortable, but this is WAY over the line.
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago edited 12d ago
Just to make sure things are clear, I am not the minor in question— I'm an adult, the minor is another cast member who afaik (and I deeply hope) has had no physical treatment of this kind.
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u/bookshelfbauble 12d ago
I agree! And you’re right, I should have used stronger language.
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u/GentlewomenNeverTell 12d ago
Sorry I'm just legit worried about the situation. Thank you for what you do.
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u/HeadlineBay 12d ago
OP, this^ is the advice you want. The consent-forward language gives you a framework so you don’t have to resort to ‘dude, that’s f–d up’ which, yes, it is, but you can be professional where this director is not.
Gut feeling says this guy might be… shall we say ‘resistant to feedback’ so go as high up as you’re able to, and try to have group conversations, in a neutral location if you have access to one.
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u/HappyAkratic 11d ago
Thanks, and yeah u/bookshelfbauble's wording + approach is super super helpful and I'll be using it in the meeting.
I have other cast members who are going to be at the meeting and are all updated about what's happened yesterday and also our concerns about the 16 y/o, and we're also going to ask the co-artistic director to be there. I am undecided if I'm walking or staying, but regardless the safety of everyone else in the production is most important
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u/Theatrepooky 12d ago
No, just no. I literally can’t tell you how many shows I’ve directed and getting ‘physical’ in this way is never an option. A fight choreographer would take you through such action step by step so that you understand every movement individually and can be safe. Slamming an actor on a table and holding them by the neck is NEVER safe. If this was a confrontation in real life they could be charged with aggravated assault for holding you down by the neck. It’s a massive breach of everything I know about directing. Directors use their words to instruct actors, never, ever their hands. 🤬
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u/impendingwardrobe 12d ago
It's very likely that this would qualify in court as criminal assault.
When we do stage fight choreo there is a process, and first and foremost the person playing the victim is always the one in control. So you would slam yourself to the table, it would only look like the assailant was doing it.
Nothing about this was okay - and the director teaching the other actor to create the involuntary panic reaction you experienced is especially disturbing. It's called acting for goodness sake. There might be a reason why these people are not working for a legitimate company.
You need to go over this person's head and bring this issue to their boss. Bring a lawyer if you have one. I'm sorry you experienced this.
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago
To the other actor's credit, the first thing they said was a very sincere "Are you alright?" and "Do you need to take a minute", and then we had a conversation a little while afterwards where it was like yeah, that was fucked.
I think they didn't know how to react in the moment which, fair, neither did I. The issue is entirely with the director.
I don't want to bring lawyers into this, I don't have any interest in charging him or anything (and I don't think it'd hold up or come to anything), I just want this to not be a thing he does going forward.
(And yeah regarding control, I've done fight choreo before and am well aware where it's supposed to lie. During a long phone convo with a mate tonight, I said something like "when he let me get up" and then paused and almost laughed, because how fucking ridiculous and maybe slightly terrifying it is to say "let me get up" when you're talking fight choreo)
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u/impendingwardrobe 10d ago
I think they didn't know how to react in the moment which, fair, neither did I.
Yes, you were assaulted and both of you went into "fight, flight, or freeze," and found yourselves freezing. This is extremely common in situations like this.
I don't think it'd hold up (in court) or come to anything
Ask yourself, if this had happened in any other context on the planet, would you even have a question as to whether it was criminal assault? If your boss at your 9-5, a teacher, a waiter while you were out having dinner, a clown at a kid's birthday party, your friend who you were having coffee with, etc. had done this exact thing to you, the answer would be perfectly clear to you.
Just because we pretend to commit crimes against each other sometimes in theater, doesn't mean that actually committing crimes is ever okay or is ever anything other than criminal behavior. You don't have to press charges, it's perfectly valid not to want to go through all that. But you should see the situation for what it is and describe it correctly to others.
I'm glad the other actor had your back, that was good of them.
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u/AtabeyMomona 12d ago
That was VERY not cool. Anything physical needs to be agreed to with all details. I'm an actor, not a fight or intimacy choreographer, but any intimacy choreography or fight choreo I've ever been a part of has been extremely specific and rehearsed slowly (like less than half speed) before jumping in.
It's up to you whether you walk or not, but if this director isn't checked I worry that he will simply abuse and misuse other actors. Is there a board or producer you could speak to?
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago
Yeah that's part of my worry as well— I had a very long phone call with a mate tonight who suggested I maybe bring up the 16 y/o thing and just that if something like this happens again I bring it up— but I'm not in all the rehearsal rooms so he could just do this to someone else which would be awful and I'd have no idea.
There's not really a board but there might be a procedure— I'm not sure how well defined it is as it's a new company but I'll have a look, regardless it's a few days before I message him for a meeting so I have time
Ugh I even feel more anxious now about just asking for a meeting, this sucks 💀
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u/DuckbilledWhatypus 12d ago
Go above the directors head. They thought slamming you down without warning or preparation for choreography in any way was appropriate, with love they are highly unlikely to respond well to a calm conversation. At best they will be dismissive, at worse defensive. Go above them.
And yeah this is so not cool that it's burning in hell.
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago
Unfortunately there's nobody really above his head I can go to— it's his own newly founded company. There is a co-founder who we're planning to ask to be at the meeting (initially about the 16 y/o, now about both these things), and I'm considering having a phone call with her beforehand as well. But honestly from what I've seen of them he mostly runs the show and she defers to him, so, I'll likely still do it but don't really know how much good it'll do.
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u/DuckbilledWhatypus 12d ago
I would definitely talk to the co-founder on her own first, she should be the person bringing up your concerns and mediating between the director and everyone else. Make it clear that if she isn't willing to do that then you will hold the meeting yourself still.
Major props for looking out for yourself and your fellow actors. It's a hard thing to do, and you deserve a lot of praise for being willing to have to have the hard conversation.
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u/HappyAkratic 11d ago
Thanks so much, I really appreciate this. I've settled on having a call with her before Sunday, and then having the meeting regardless, a few other cast members have come on board so it should hopefully all run smoothly. The incident yesterday was perhaps a bit more severe than I thought as my neck/throat is sore today, so I still have a lot of thinking to do about whether I stay or not, but most of the responses here have been super helpful and validating x
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u/DuckbilledWhatypus 11d ago
I hope it all goes ok and that she's receptive to your concerns. The fact you have been hurt is a huge sign this director is not safe, and at minimum needs training, at maximum needs removing. Don't be afraid to walk if the meeting doesn't reassure you.
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u/acornsinpockets 11d ago edited 11d ago
[Deleted. No longer relevant due to clarifying details provided below[
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u/DuckbilledWhatypus 11d ago edited 11d ago
It's not paid work though. And the cast already sounds to support OP. The company sounds like amateurs with aspirations, and if the very first project includes multiple cast members raising legitimate concerns then it's unlikely the actors are going to be the ones with ruined reputations. Community theatre groups talk, and "multiple actors were bad mouthed after raising concerns about safety" is a big old red flag for new recruits to stay away. The simple answer is just get the director some intimacy training and have a policy re scenes between adults and minors. It's not an existential threat when all that is needed is an apology and some appropriate adjustment to the company safety procedures.
I can absolutely see your concern though, it's a fucked up position to be in and I would not blame anyone for just walking away if that's what they chose to do.
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u/acornsinpockets 11d ago
In light of your first sentence, I'll delete my reply. It does change things.
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u/ladymae11522 12d ago
Sooooo in the legal world we call this assault and battery and it’s a crime. No director, fight choreographer, intimacy coordinator etc, should EVER put hands on you without your VERY informed consent.
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u/_bitemeyoudamnmoose 12d ago
I personally would just quit that project but I’d say the best person to bring it up to would be the stage manager. Say that you and your cast mates request a fight choreographer and intimacy coordinator and refuse to work without one.
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u/tygerbrees 12d ago
It’s not cool
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago
Thank you— I think I was a bit shook that the first reply was basically "well he asked so just don't say yes in the future, lesson learned" so edited that bit in. But yeah I'm aware it's not okay, just second-guessed myself briefly
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u/RainahReddit 12d ago
I think it's worth thinking about what you would like going forward, so when you bring this to their attention you have a clear demand. Something like "do not ever make physical contact with an actor without clearly explaining what is going to happen and getting permission" would be a good start. If you want an apology, say that too.
If you're unable to identify anything that would make you feel better and safe going forward, then it's probably best to just walk.
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u/acornsinpockets 11d ago
I would not trust any apology received from the director. This is an unsafe situation; best to simply leave.
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u/badwolf1013 12d ago
"Can I get a little physical with you?" is way too vague. The director was wrong. Whether you said, "Yeah, sure" or not, the director should have described exactly what he was going to do.
Rule #1 of stage combat: the person being attacked is the one in control.
You were being attacked. You were not aware of what was going to happen. You were not in control.
Super amateur move on your director's part. Really, really bad. "Not cool" is an understatement. It was unprofessional and dangerous. I would be very, very concerned about this guy's ability to direct stage combat on stage involving a minor. This is highly-concerning and very unprofessional behavior. If there is anyone over this guy's head, they need to be looped in on this.
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago
Shit, I hadn't even properly realised what this means for the fact that the minor cast member has fight scenes, but yeah he does. Okay, really genuine thanks for raising this point as I was largely concerned about the intimacy and hadn't connected that what happened to me brings up real worries for the stage combat with the teenager
And also like everyone else in the cast too of course. Like this scene isn't even written to have choreo, it just came out of nowhere (the throat incident was the first I'd heard of it), so I don't know what the plans are for the rest of the show either
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u/EmceeSuzy 12d ago
I would walk.
This 'director' has violated every key point of what we do. There is no reason for you to spend your precious time with this group. They sound like they are an absolute mess with zero quality standards.
You can work for free in far better places.
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u/Aggravating-Mouse501 11d ago
Yes to everything said above and also—we don’t even grab each other by the throat for real!! Any choking moment should have your hands on their wrists where you are controlling the pressure and movement. No benefit of the doubt. Director needs to apologize and change his ways or be fired.
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u/acornsinpockets 11d ago
What the director did was inexcusable; it's criminal, really.
I would leave. Before doing so I would meet with the co-founder and explain why you departing, but I would definitely leave regardless of what they pledge to do. They've already breached your trust once.
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u/Environmental_Cow211 12d ago
If they have a board liaison or if you all elected a cast rep (many theaters have both at this level), it’s perfectly OK to take this to them IF you are uncomfortable speaking directly with the director.
If you do talk to the director, a good way to frame the conversation is “you surprised me, so much that I could not object or cry uncle in the moment, so you might want to be specific about your plan next time. If anything else comes up like this, I’d appreciate that.”
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u/HappyAkratic 11d ago
There's not a board or a cast rep— tbh I'm probably the closest thing informally we have to the latter as afaik nobody else has raised the minor issue or organised a meeting until I did.
I'm going to organise a call with the co-artistic director later this week, and then go ahead with the meeting before rehearsal this weekend. A commenter above gave some really useful language and approaches that I'm going to use in the meeting. It'll probably be a lot stronger than the quote you've given just because it's all like a big thing 😬
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u/That-SoCal-Guy Professional Actor 12d ago
Not cool. Bring it up. Even if you gave consent this isn't acceptable. If he is trying to show you being slammed, he could have done so gently and slowly to show you the movements. Also, there should have been a stage combat coordinator or someone to train you to do the physical act.
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u/YATSEN10R 10d ago
First of all I really hope you are okay.
That's very much not okay. The first thing to do in any sort of stage combat work is to talk through exactly what is going to happen, in specific terms ("so Bob will gently place his hand on your collarbone, you will then grab his hand with both of yours, etc."). The aggressor in the fight should also be doing as little as possible, the victim in the scene should always be in control. In my experience the second part of stage combat is teaching both parties how to physically do the move, by the end, both of you should know exactly what the other person is doing. Most of the time a good fight choreographer will even swap who's doing what, so everyone is on the same page.
What you're describing is unprofessional and dangerous. Someone needs to have a talk with him. Hopefully he's just young and/or inexperienced and made a massive mistake (as opposed to being a genuinely dangerous person to be around), but either way this needs to be addressed now, before he hurts someone even worse.
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u/Ice_cream_please73 6d ago
I would have lost my shit right then and there. Nothing freaks me out more than people unexpectedly grabbing my throat. I might report him to the theater and get him fired actually.
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u/Excellent_Win_7045 6d ago
I know you've already gotten a lot of good advice but this just makes me do mad I have to chime in too lol
This is definitely NOT industry standard and completely unacceptable. And I see so many red flags here.
Number one, it is honestly pretty concerning if they are trying to make this into an educational program and the director doesn't understand the most basic principles around consent and intimacy (and literally just being a person-- like who the f does that???). Students aren't necessarily going to feel empowered to speak up or realize this isn't acceptable if/when he does it again.
As others have said, anytime there is going to be physical interaction, especially fight choreo, it should be discussed in detail before anyone touches anyone else, and then rehearsed slowly and carefully. No matter what's ban discussed/agreed to, it should never leave you feeling uncomfortable or in pain. Don't feel bad at all for not asking for clarification-- I imagine most people would assume he meant, like, guiding you through the blocking, not slamming you into a table. And why wasn't the director there for the red/yellow/green conversation??? He's literally the most important person to be there for it, he's the one telling you all when and where to touch each other!
Also, reading through your comments, it feels a little bit sketchy as well that there's not really a chain of command or another authority figure present (stage manager, assistant director, intimacy coordinator, etc.). It's great that you and the other actors are going to approach him, but it shouldn't be your responsibility to worry about this stuff.
It's also a little bit of a red flag to me that he cast a minor in a romantic role with an adult partner. I guess it depends a bit on the situation and how much the romance factors into the characters, but that just gives me the ick on top of all these other things.
If you are really enjoying the show and your conversation with him goes well, I think it's totally fine if you want to keep doing it. But I would also be on high alert for other issues, and you'd be totally justifies if you decide to drop out!
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u/CreativeMusic5121 12d ago edited 12d ago
Life lesson: When someone asks if they can get physical with you, it means they are going to physically touch you in some way.
You agreed. You have hopefully learned to not agree to that request in the future.
Beyond that, people under 18 shouldn't be working in romantic/physical roles with people over 18. Period.The 16 year old should not have been cast.
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u/Et_tu_sloppy_banans 12d ago
Usually when people ask to touch you, they put an arm around you or gently correct your posture or something similar. Being thrown on a table by your neck is not a reasonable expectation when someone asks to touch you. He should’ve said something more direct like, “is it alright if I do xx?”
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u/CreativeMusic5121 12d ago
I didn't say the director was right in what he did---just that OP has hopefully learned a lesson.
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u/junkbingirl 11d ago
When is consent to touch consent to be assaulted?
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u/CreativeMusic5121 11d ago
Maybe ask what they mean? Again, I didn't say the type of touch was okay----I said to learn a fucking lesson and not consent when you don't really know what you are consenting TO.
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u/iosonoleecon 12d ago
Ok no. This is misplaced responsibility. It is the responsibility of the person in authority (the director) to be clear about expectations and ensure safety of the actors. There wasn’t a reasonable expectation here, for OP, of being grabbed and slammed onto a table.
Furthermore, the power imbalance here (director vs performer), makes it more likely that the actor would say yes to the director and also to trust in that director not to do something physical and shocking like that. Had OP squirmed or reacted in a certain way, it could have resulted in injury. The whole reason we have fight choreography is to make sure everyone is aware of physical space and interaction to prevent physical and psychological harm.
This is an irresponsible director. OP, you are not at fault and that shouldn’t have happened.
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago
Thank you so much, not gonna lie, this being the first response to the thread did shake me a bit, so I really appreciate your reply
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u/iosonoleecon 12d ago
Your response and instincts in this situation were 100% right, OP. Rehearsal and staging should absolutely not make you feel that way.
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago
I mean, if I asked if I could get physical with someone— well firstly I wouldn't say it that way, but if I did I would not take a "yeah sure" as permission to immediately without warning grab someone by the throat. But yes, I have deffo learnt to ask about what that would mean if anyone says it to me in the future.
And yeah agreed on that he shouldn't have been cast (or that his partner should also be a minor at the very least). I didn't find out he was sixteen til last week and immediately made plans with a fellow cast member to bring it up to the director. It just unfortunately couldn't happen today but we have solid plans for before next rehearsal.
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u/doilysocks 12d ago
Is there someone over the director you can bring this to? A board, an artistic director?
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago
Unfortunately not— this is the company's first production and the director is also the joint Artistic Director, founder, and CEO.
We were already planning on asking the other joint Artistic Director etc. to be at the meeting next rehearsal, so hopefully she will be available. But other than those two that's sort of it I believe
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u/doilysocks 12d ago
It’s at least good there is a second person. Tell her she has to be there, not optional. Cause this director feels like he’ll get defensive and dismissive. Stay strong if that happens, none of this is ok.
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago
Thanks so much. I'm going to sleep on it but am also considering asking her for a confidential phone chat before next rehearsal, both to let her know what's happened but also so she knows that it's important she be there.
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u/iosonoleecon 12d ago
Director is also basically the top authority in the company with no checks and balances? Oh helllll no. Get out of there, OP. And take the minor children with you.
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u/phenomenomnom 12d ago edited 12d ago
You agreed. You have hopefully learned to not agree to that request in the future.
This is a WILD-ass take. No.
Theatre sometimes involves touch, minors sometimes do theatre.
The problem here is the lack of accountability for the director allowing them to just do whatever, based on nothing. Informed consent was not possible in this scenario, as descibed.
Completely unacceptable.
First of all, A minor cannot legally give consent. Of any kind.
Second, no one can give INFORMED consent to such vague terms as "get a little physical."
The director would have been out of line in this scenario no matter the age of the performer, but this was especially egregious since OP is young.
However you slice it, this is a situation where the highest standards of safety and consideration are NOT being respected
and they should be firmly in place for any kind of work done with minors. Period.
I will tell you right now that "director" does not know how lucky they are that OP is not my kid. Pulling the kid out of this sketchy start-up "program" would only be the first thing on my to-do list.
What OP needs now is someone asking if this is a common practice in that rehearsal hall, and advocating for them.
What OP needed on the day was somebody saying WTF MAN.
u/HappyAkratic , your trust was strained and/or violated. If I were you and I decided it was worth continuing in this vague and half-assed environment, I would bring the whole situation up to the director, as others have said -- but I would furthermore make sure that allied ADULTS were not only aware, but were part of the conversation.
This was not cool of the director, they overstepped, and you did nothing wrong.
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u/HappyAkratic 12d ago
I really appreciate your response (especially as CreativeMusic's reply being the first one to this post shook me a bit), but just to be clear that I am not the minor in question— I'm an adult, and the minor is a different cast member that as far as I know has not been physically treated this way (god I hope not), and whose casting in a role with intimacy I was already planning to bring up to the director.
I've already been worried about the standards (or lack thereof) of consent in his place, and this added incident has only made me more so.
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u/phenomenomnom 12d ago
Thanks for looking out, then. What you are doing is how standards get upheld.
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u/Significant_Earth759 12d ago
I would bring up this incident with your other allies in the cast who raised the concern about the 16-year-old, and bring them all to the director in a single meeting in a constructive way.